Jay : What's all this? I said one suitcase.
Manny : I need choices, Jay.
Jay : Colombia's not one of your more formal nations. The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn chair.
Gloria : Ay. I cannot believe that my little baby's leaving me.
Jay : You know, I left the glass doors open downstairs. So right now, your actual baby may be leaving. Ahhh! One robe.
Manny : I guess we know what everyone will be talking about my second morning there.
Jay : Manny is visiting Gloria's family for about a month, I hope. I just have to get him on a plane before Gloria has a meltdown and changes her mind. 'Cos if he doesn't go to Colombia, Colombia comes to me. It's happened before.
Gloria's family : ¡Ahí está! ¡Gloria! ¡Gloria! ¡Gloria!
Cameron : Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Gloria : What?!
Cameron : Oh! It's Mitchell. We won.
Gloria : Ay, that's great! What we won?
Cameron : It's fantastic. We've waited so long.
Gloria : What did we won?!
Mitchell : The supreme court ruling. Gay marriage is legal.
Gloria : Ay! Congratulations!
Mitchell : Thanks, Gloria. Can I talk to Cam?
Gloria : Uh, yes. Hold on. Here.
Cameron : Thank you. Thank you.
Gloria : Yeah, it's Mitchell.
Cameron : Hi. Hey.
Mitchell : I gotta go. But can you believe this finally happened?
Cameron : I know. It's amazing. We'll celebrate tonight. I love you.
Jay : Celebrate what?
Cameron : Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat. But as of today in California, it's legal for a man to marry another man!
Lily : Ew. He threw up.
Jay : He just needs some time to get used to the idea, honey.
Gloria : It's so great, Cam.
Jay : Yeah, I'm happy for you guys. Gloria, Manny needs his birth certificate to re-enter the country. Any idea where it is?
Gloria : I don't know.
Cameron : Oh, that's right. He leaves today. You must be a wreck.
Jay : She's not a wreck. She's a rock. Now, I looked, and it's not in the safe.
Cameron : This one had her first sleepover last week. I just had to tough my way through it.
Lily : He picked me up in the dark.
Manny : I can't find that birth certificate anywhere, Jay.
Gloria Maybe it's a sign and...
Jay : It's a sign we need a refresher meeting on what goes in the safe. Here's a preview... no shoes.
Manny : Look, I looked online, and we can get a copy if we go to the courthouse.
Jay : That's what we're gonna do. In the car. We'll be back in an hour.
Manny : Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay marriage.
Lily : He did it again.
Gloria : Ay, sí.
Cameron : Okay. Well...
[OPENING CREDITS]
Gloria : So tell me, Cam. How does it work when it is between two men?
Cameron : Well, I don't really feel comfortable talking about that... in front of Lily.
Gloria : I know how that works. I rented the wrong movie once. Did you see "Glen, Garry, Glenn, and Ross"?
Cameron : Uh, no. Why don't you go play?
Gloria : What I mean is, who proposes to who?
Cameron : I don't know. We've talked about it, if it ever became legal.
Gloria : Okay, and now it is. So are you going to do it today?
Cameron : Well, it just happened. I haven't really had...
Gloria : Oh, you have to do it today. Every couple deserve a beautiful proposal story.
Cameron : Well, I have always adored my mom and dad's story. He plowed "will you marry me?" into a snowy field right outside of her window. And then he tried to re-create it for their 25th wedding anniversary. But there was no snow, so he burned it into a cornfield. Bad idea. You know, but mama did get a second ring out of it with the F.E.M.A. money.
Gloria : Ay, I wish I also had a romantic story. One day, we were watching TV before dinner, and Jay says, "Manny, hand me that thing." and Manny gives him the ring. I mean, I was very happy, of course, but it is not the best story. At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.
Claire : Soldiers talk about that moment when they shut off, when the war finally wins.
Luke : Get down!
Alex : Shut up!
Luke : I can't see the TV!
Alex : Turn the fan on!
Haley : Oh, stop yelling! My head's going to explode!
Claire : For me, that moment is four days into summer vacation.
Phil : Hey, honey. What's up?
Claire : Do you remember when summer meant fireflies and cutoff shorts and ice-cream trucks?
Phil : Well, one out of three. We'll get our time. They're all going away at some point, right?
Claire : Yeah, Haley's got her beach trip, and Alex is doing habitat for humanity, and Luke has camp. If I remember, I think we have six hours totally kid-free on... Oh, the 14th.
Phil : Hey, if we moved Alex's flight, we could have, like, 10 or 12 hours.
Claire : Dream bigger, hot pants. Step aside.
Phil : Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her.
Claire : Ohh.
Claire : 22nd to the 8th for Alex, Luke to the 14th, Haley gets a day there. Come on.
Phil : That's it, beautiful mind. Harness that crazy into something positive.
Claire : Shh! If I can get Alex to move her habitat for humanity from Oklahoma to Sacramento and Luke to move his camp session, they will both overlap with Haley's vacation, and I just bought us seven kid-free days.
Phil : Witchcraft!
Claire : Yes.
Cameron : I've outdone myself, Gloria. I booked the restaurant from our first date, the same table overlooking the ocean, and I'll do it at sunset, which I've recently discovered is my ideal lighting.
Gloria : That's so romantic.
Cameron : I know! Isn't it? Oh. Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, that's Mitchell. Gotta go.
Gloria : Oh, don't let him hear the excitement in your voice.
Cameron : You're right. You're right. What?
Mitchell : I'm at that coffee shop on 3rd, and I forgot my wallet. Can you come bail me out?
Cameron : Ugh. Isn't this convenient?
Cameron : It actually was. I was only two blocks away. But when I got there, I realized it was all a ploy so he could propose. But it was so sweet, I just decided to ditch my plans and let him do it.
Cameron : Mitchell, I'm so sorry, but there is a massive pileup on the 405, and, well, I have to go pick up Lily. And maybe you could just call Claire or something?
Mitchell : Cam, Cam, I got, like, 50 cents to my name.
Waitress : Have you decided on a tea?
Mitchell : Do they all cost the same? Yeah.
Jay : Look at that line. Probably everybody getting their gay marriage license.
Manny : I think it's just called a marriage license. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should go home and forget about it.
Jay : What?
Manny : I've been reading up on some of those tropical diseases... malaria, yellow fever, rabies. I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.
Jay : You're fine. You've had all your shots. And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any mosquitoes.
Manny : Jay, I'm scared. I'm not sure I want to go through with it.
Jay : We didn't drive all the way down here for that piece of paper for you to get cold feet at the last second. And what happened, anyway? You've been looking forward to this day for months.
Manny : I know. But maybe we should wait until next year. I'm still kind of young to be doing this.
Jay : We're not waiting. I already paid for you, and your mother signed off. This is happening. Great day, huh?
Claire : Hello!
Mitchell : Oh, thank God.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : I've had so many cups of tea, they gave me my own one of these.
Claire : Ohh. Here you go. So congratulations on the whole marriage thing.
Mitchell : How amazing is that, right?
Claire : Yeah. We gonna hear some big gay wedding bells soon?
Mitchell : Ah, well, just wedding bells.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've always talked about it. But, you know, it's just... just a matter of finding the right timing. And then there... there's a couple of other factors... the tax implications and estate planning.
Claire : Oh, stop. I'm swooning.
Mitchell : I'm just being practical. You're the same way. You... you told Phil to take back your engagement ring and buy you a washer/dryer.
Claire : Well, don't put this back on me. Come on. What is Cam's biggest complaint about you? You're not romantic. This is your opportunity. Mitchell, you should go home tonight and surprise him with a big, splashy proposal.
Mitchell : He would really like it if I proposed to him. I guess I could stop after work and pick up a card. And...
Claire : Oh, my God. You're hopeless.
Mitchell : I know.
Claire : Mitchell, okay. This is what you do.
Mitchell : Oh, boy.
Claire : It really should be your own idea, though.
Mitchell : No! Come on, come on. I need help. Please?
Claire : Fine. Okay. Tonight, you cook him his favorite meal. You open the best bottle of wine. And just as the two of you are sitting down to enjoy it, you break up with him.
Mitchell : What? Why?
Claire : Because then, as he is at his lowest, you pop the question. He goes from agony to ecstasy! It's so romantic.
Mitchell : You're kidding, right?
Claire : More traditional? Okay. Y... All right. You look into his eyes... And you say, "I saw a doctor. He found a small dark mass."
Mitchell : What are you?
Claire : And then just as he begins to cry, you pull out a black box with a ring in it. There's your small dark mass! It's genius!
Mitchell : Y-you're a disaster.
Claire : You could go the disaster route, too. Did you ever hear how I told Phil we were gonna have Luke? I said, "thousands of children die every day..."
Alex : Dad?
Phil : I'm sorry. Was I being proud of you too loud?
Alex : What are you doing?
Phil : Going off to habitat, helping all those people. Honey, I'm speechless.
Alex : Thanks. I just thought it was...
Phil : But are we sure about Oklahoma? There's so many needy people right up in Sacramento. And it's driving distance.
Alex : I already signed up for my work detail, and I've been e-mailing with my tentmate.
Phil : Yeah. No, you're right. I guess it's just... No. Never mind.
Alex : What is it?
Phil : No, it's stupid. I've just never been so far away from my baby girl before. Not now, waterworks. Not now.
Alex : Oh, daddy.
Luke : You okay, dad?
Phil : Oh, hey, buddy. Never been better. You're so thoughtful. I'm gonna miss that when you go off to camp on the 14th. Little wiffle golf?
Luke : Wait. I can't go to camp on the 14th. I have to go when Carly's going.
Phil : Who's Carly?
Luke : Shh! She's this girl I like, and she's here right now.
Phil : Well, all the more reason to change camp sessions. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's foolproof.
Luke : Not this fool. Forget it.
Phil : What about all the new girls you're gonna meet? You're only 14. Do you really want to be tied down?
Luke : Yes!
Carly : Oh, Luke, watch. I-I got it.
Luke : Nice!
Carly : Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy. Sorry we moved the furniture around. I was showing Luke the flip I did at tumbling sectionals. Oh, no. That's my mom. But I can leave you guys this old movie I brought over. It's called "Dirty dancing."
Phil : Never let her go.
Phil : Hey, Carly's mom. Phil Dunphy. Big fan of your daughter.
Carly's Mom : Thank you.
Boy : Get off me!
Phil : So, yeah, heads up. Luke's got to change his camp session. You guys may want to do the same.
Carly's Mom : No. My husband and I have been working the white board all week, and we just bought three days away from that.
Boy : It wasn't even me!
Carly's Mom : Bank it! Carly!
Gloria : Okay, Manny, remember, as soon as you land, watch out for Malaria.
Manny : Why? I got a shot for that.
Jay : Can we hurry this up?
Gloria : No, I'm talking about your cousin Malaria. She's coming to pick you up, but she might have Rubella.
Manny : What?
Gloria : That's her daughter. But make room in the car because she could have diphtheria.
Manny : Who's diphtheria?
Gloria : Ay, Manny, diphtheria is a disease. That's why I want you to be apart from her in the car.
Jay : Okay, let's go. Gloria, better say goodbye here. He's got to hurry to get through security.
Gloria : But there's no line.
Jay : For now. A senior tour bus just pulled up. You know how much private wanding that is? Half their skeletons are metal.
Gloria : Ay, Manny, please. Call me as soon as you land.
Manny : I'll miss you.
Jay : And we're walking.
Gloria : I love you!
Manny : Wait.
Jay : No. Up!
Manny : I forgot to give mom this card I wrote.
Jay : Uh, no, no, no. I'll handle it. Safe trip, buddy. Safe trip. We're out of here.
Gloria : No, let's wait until he gets to the top. Adio mi amor!
Jay : Who wants ice cream?
Lily : What if he never comes back?
Jay : Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily : I did.
Phil : Hey, honey. I've been mulling over your Sacramento decision.
Alex : It wasn't exactly my...
Phil : Of course I want my baby girl close, but I got to get used to you leaving. Because college... and knowing you, a great college... is right around the corner. Am I right? Now, Habitat will look good on an application, but does Sacramento really move the needle? I have another place in mind. Little hint... it starts with an "el."
Alex : El Salvador? Are you serious? They have an unstable government and... and earthquakes.
Phil : Boats. Looks like there's a h-hill. I'm just saying, you don't push yourself at this stage, you wind up at a second-tier college. Soon you've lost all your ambition. You're just drifting through life, hoping someone offers you an "M-R-S" degree. Is that who you want to be? Hey, princess. Second breakfast? Fun. So, big beach trip coming up, huh?
Haley : Yeah.
Phil : Can't get better than late July, unless it's early aug...
Haley : Save it, dad. I know you and mom want the house to yourselves.
Phil : Nope.
Haley : I'm the last piece of the puzzle, right? What's it worth to you?
Phil : Fine. How about I pay for gas and two dinners?
Haley : Mnh-mnh. Gas, all dinners, groceries, two new bathing suits, a boogie board, one of those...
Phil : Are you crazy?
Haley : No. I'm also not done.
Phil : Yes, you are done. You know why? You know another way this shakes out? You don't go. That's right. Overplay your hand, I pull the plug, you blow your last chance for a good time with your friends. Word gets out that you're not cool. Then school starts. You end up with your nose in a book all year. No friends, no dates, not caring how you look. Is that who you want to be?
Cameron : Turns out Mitchell really had forgotten his wallet, so proposing wasn't even on his radar. My plan was bulletproof. He was gonna be as blindsided as the fattest hog on founder's day, and I was...
Mitchell : Pretty darn proud of myself. I had the ideal proposal. Cam once told me that all he wanted was someone to sit in a rocking chair and grow old with. So while we're at dinner, Claire is setting up two rocking chairs next to the fireplace, with a bottle of champagne. Ohh. He is going to...
Cameron : Squeal like a berkshire white in a four-man pig toss. Gosh durn it, I miss founder's day.
Mitchell : This is a little bit fancy for just a quick bite.
Cameron : Well, who knows if they can even get us in? Let me check. Reservation for Tucker. Is everything set up with the table? Yeah.
Mitchell : The restaurant where we had our first date, the sunset lighting that Cam loves... He was going to propose. I-I-I was so touched, but at the same time, he was ruining the one chance I had for romantic redemption.
Mitchell : Oh, I'm feeling really queasy, Cam.
Cameron : No, no, no. You'll be okay once we sit down.
Mitchell : I think I need to go home. Sorry. Oh! S... excuse me. Sorry.
Cameron : No, no, no. We'll get you some ginger ale, some crackers.
Mitchell : Mnh-mnh. I'm... I got to run to the restroom. You... you grab the car.
Cameron : Well, you'll feel better after you throw up.
Mitchell : Okay, new plan. We're coming back early. Is everything set up?
Claire : You said two hours. We haven't even left yet.
Mitchell : Well, hurry!
Claire : Just stall. Tell him that... Haley had a hemorrhage, and you're her blood type, so you h...
Mitchell : I'm not doing that, you ghoul. Just get back to the house and...
Cameron : Gloria.
Gloria : Cam, how did it go? Did he...
Cameron : It didn't happen. I have to go with the backup plan.
Cameron : Fortunately, I had an alternate proposal scenario in case there was a problem. Jay and Gloria were babysitting, so I asked them to re-create the picnic under the stars we had the night we moved in to our first apartment. Mitchell would take one look and...
Mitchell : Sob like a Tony winner.
Gloria : I got the picnic basket. But you know what is going to be hard to find?
Jay : My interest in this whole damn thing?
Gloria : No, the blue-and-white tablecloth.
Lily : Here it is. It was in the occasions closet.
Jay : They keep their tools in a pillowcase, but they have an occasions closet?
Claire : What are you guys doing here?
Gloria : Oh. Cam is going to propose to Mitch, so we're here to help him set it up.
Phil : That is coconuts! Mitchell asked us to do the same thing for him.
Claire : Well, that just makes me want to stay and see how this whole thing works out.
Phil : Oh, we can. Let's set it up and then we'll hide somewhere.
Gloria : Ay, yes, in the occasion closet.
Jay : No. We do what they asked and leave. We never had these problems. This is what happens when they let men marry men. That cannot be a coincidence.
Cameron : Sorry about the detour. I was just worried about the pileup on the 405.
Mitchell : Oh, take your time. The drive's actually soothing me.
Cameron : Oh! Oh, my gosh!
Mitchell : Oh! What... what was that?
Cameron : Oh. I think it's a blown tire. It's okay.
Mitchell : Well, I know there's a spare. Do... do we have the tools?
Cameron : Yeah, yeah. They're in the pillowcase in the trunk.
Mitchell : Right.
Gloria : Why do you have to be so grouchy? We're giving them a beautiful story. Everybody deserves one.
Jay : I'm an idiot.
Gloria : Oh, you're not an idiot. You're not as romantic as some...
Jay : These things peel off on the back, and I've been gluing 'em.
Gloria : Why do I even bother? You don't care about this stuff.
Jay : What's that supposed to mean?
Gloria : Yeah, like when you proposed to me. "Hey, Manny, hand me that thing." That's my whole story.
Jay : Hang on. That wasn't my fault. I had something big planned.
Gloria : You asked him for the ring.
Jay : I was asking for the remote. He jumped the gun. He was supposed to give me the ring later that night at the restaurant. The waiter was gonna come by and offer coffee. I was gonna say, "No, thank you. It'll keep me up, and lately, I've been loving my dreams, and there's one in particular I hope comes true." Manny gives me the ring. I say, "Gloria..."
Gloria : Yes, Jay! Yes, I marry you! I love my new story.
Phil : Little heads-up... there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.
Claire : Phil, you cried on the way here.
Phil : I was on the brink already. I watched "Dirty dancing" before we left.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : Text from my dad. Oh, no. He wants me to come visit him for a couple of days, but it's right in the middle of our kid-free week.
Claire : Oh, that's too bad. I guess you could take two days.
Claire : I may have mentioned to Frank that Phil might be available that week. The only thing better than a kid-free week is a couple of days carved out just for mama.
Claire : Perfect.
Phil : Yeah. Hey, you remember the day I oposed to you?
Claire : Of course I do. I don't remember the exact date, but, yes.
Phil : March 19, 1994.
Claire : Oh. Yeah. I was in such a bad mood that afternoon. I was on day two of a St. Patrick's hangover.
Phil : I don't remember that. I just remember how crazy in love I was. I couldn't wait to ask you. I even ran a red light on the way to pick you up. I still have the ticket.
Claire : No, you don't. Why would you say something like that?
Phil : Are you kidding me? I was racing to my life. It's in a box at my dad's with a bunch of other stuff... the program from that concert where I met you... ...the matchbook with the fake number on it you gave me... the souvenir goblet from our first date. You really think I'd throw away all those beautiful memories... ...Milady? I haven't seen that stuff for a long time. I got to dig it out when I see my dad.
Claire : Okay, stop. Sorry.
Phil : What?
Claire : I told your dad to call you because I wanted some time for myself. Yeah, couple of days away from my perfect, romantic husband, who is far too good for this cold-hearted, bloodless wife-bot.
Phil : Hey, hey, hey, hey. You have blood.
Claire : Honey, I just put the chairs in front of the fireplace. You made it romantic. Mitchell's right. I'm a ghoul.
Phil : Come here. You're romantic, too, in your own funny way. We're just different.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : So what if I'm more sentimental?
Claire : Ugh. My mom.
Phil : I mean, sure... marriage needs romance. You know what it also needs?
Claire : "Spoke to Phil, and he suggested..."
Phil : Forgiveness.
Cameron : Okay. Spare, please.
Mitchell : Yes, doctor. I can't believe this has happened to us so many times, we actually have a system.
Cameron : Oh, I know. You've come a long way from the first time you ever saw a jack. Remember, you couldn't believe...
Mitchell : I'm sorry. This is amazing. I am lifting a car right now. I am the strongest man in the world.
Cameron : Oh, do you remember that time in Yosemite when it was snowing so bad?
Mitchell : Yeah. What was that, like six years ago?
Cameron : Oh, gosh. No, it was before Lily, so it was at least seven or eight.
Mitchell : God, it is... it's going by so fast.
Cameron : Yeah. You're telling me. You know, it's a different world down there than it was 24 hours ago.
Mitchell : Cam, tire. Tire!
Cameron : Oh, my gosh. Oh, my... oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Mitchell : It's gonna be a different world for the people in that yellow house. This is not at all how I saw the evening going.
Cameron : Ohh. Honey, you have no idea.
Mitchell : Do you remember our first apartment?
Cameron : Yes. What... what made you think of that?
Mitchell : I don't know. The stars. All right. Come on. Let's do this.
Cameron : Yeah.
Mitchell : Yes.
Cameron : Yes.
Jay : Hey, there, you with the stars on your thighs. Huh? It's an old song. I thought I would... Eh, why do I bother?
Gloria : What is this?
Jay : Oh. Oh, that's from Manny. I was hoping to wait and give it to you in a couple of days. But, uh, just remember that he's fine. He's only a plane ride away.
Gloria : Nice. I'm going to wash my face.
Jay : Okay.
Gloria : I hope that my cousins don't take him riding the horses or shooting the guns. I know that he's almost a man, but... Jay?
Jay : "Make sure you take care of Jay. Please call me after his checkup on Thursday. I'll miss you guys so much."
Gloria : Nice, huh?
Jay : Nice? I'm gonna mail him his other robe.
