Phil : Traditional "first day of school" pancakes. Whipped-cream smile?
Luke : Dad, I'm in High School now. Just put it in my mouth.
Claire : Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Phil : Hey, save some of that bossing people around for the office, lady.
Phil : After a 20-year vacation, Claire is rejoining the work force.
Claire : Not a vacation. But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company. He's kind of grooming me to take over. I have a background in marketing.
Phil : I'm so proud of her. Oh, uh, speaking of marketing... we're out of milk.
Claire : I'm actually kind of nervous.
Phil : You're gonna be great. And remember, if you get into a jam, just do the impression I taught you. Hey. You can hang your clothes in me. Christopher walk-in closet.
Claire : I'm not doing that.
Haley : Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa. It's not even a real job. It's like that summer when I worked for dad. He was just trying to make me feel good about myself. He didn't really need my help.
Phil : That's not true. I needed your help distributing all those fliers.
Haley : And I did. Wink, wink.
Luke : How are you already doing homework?
Alex : It's junior year. I have to get good grades. Don't you know how competitive it is out there? Stop pressuring me!
Haley : You know, this is what happens to kids when they're not sexually active.
Claire : Don't you have some studying to do?
Haley : Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick.
Cameron : Hello. Yes, this is he... him... me.
Mitchell : Right the first time.
Cameron : I'll be right there. Mitchell, that was it. That was the call. I'm going in.
Cameron : Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has been eliminated, so I've been working as a high-school sub.
Mitchell : Ka-ching!
Cameron : I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kind of like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
Mitchell : Yeah, you found the one difference.
Cameron : I hate to miss her first day, but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Mitchell : Oh, Cam, today? I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie. I only get him for an hour between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Cameron : Okay, you need to confront him. And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis is making it impossible for you to do your job.
Mitchell : Because he responds so well to criticism. No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up having to get married in your family's barn.
Cameron : Oh, well, we need to book that soon. Because spring is hoedown season, and then you get right into summer stock, so...
Mitchell : I don't believe any of that. All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Lily : Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Mitchell : Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Phil : Buddy, I know a new school can be scary, so a little advice... every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Hey. Like, um, "I love your hair. Awesome kicks.You have a beautiful smile."
Luke : Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over there that he's got a beautiful smile.
Phil : Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.
Luke : Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way in?
Phil : What?
Luke : I've got it from here.
Phil : Oh. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a... Off you go. Alex! Hey.
Gloria : Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet? Are you nervous because of your first day in High School?
Manny : Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.
Gloria : Oh, my God, what did you see?!
Manny : Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now. I'm sophisticated.
Gloria : And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?
Manny : If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.
Gloria : Ay, I cannot believe that my little baby's going to the High School.
Manny : Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me.
Gloria : Ohh.
Boy : It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.
Gloria : Go!
Phil : Hey, Gloria.
Gloria : Hi, Phil.
Phil : First day of High School, huh? Is Manny excited?
Gloria : Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing. Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed, so now I don't know. How was Luke?
Phil : Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying goodbye. But, um, anyway, I think I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.
Gloria : Can I go with you?
Phil : Yeah.
Boy : Dude, I'm kind of working something here.
Jay : How many trucks would that take? Uh-huh. Give me a minute, Fred. New girl just walked in. That's disgusting. She's my daughter. Sweetheart, you look terrific.
Claire : Are you sure? 'Cause I have another blouse in... in here. It's the only thing in here, that and a pair of glasses. In case I need to read something or look smarter.
Jay : Relax. It's your first day. Impossible to blow it. What are those?
Claire : Oh, cookies... I made them for the office.
Jay : Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds I got a situation here. Put the cookies down.
Claire : Why?
Jay : You're management. Makes you look desperate. Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.
Claire : I do want everyone to like me.
Jay : You want everyone to respect you. You got to be tough. Keep your distance.
Claire : Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.
Jay : Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.
Mitchell : Look at you, my big first-grader. All right, I want you to make so many friends and have so much fun.
Lily : Got to go! I can't wait to learn!
Mitchell : Be careful!
Lily : What?
Mitchell : Nothing.
Principal : Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking good.
Cameron : Uh, uh, Principal Brown? Yes. Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker. I was called in to sub today.
Principal : Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.
Cameron : Hello.
Principal : She has come down with a sudden case of rehab.
Cameron : Oh.
Principal : So do a good job 'cause this could be a permanent position.
Cameron : Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest. Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.
Principal : I don't know what that means, but okay.
Cameron : So, what am I teaching?
Principal : A.P. History.
Cameron : Oh.
Cameron : I desperately wanted that job. There was just one problem... I don't know much about history.
Mitchell : Hmm. Do you know much biology?
Cameron : Not now, Mitchell.
Mitchell : What about your science book or the French you took?
Cameron : You're lucky I love you.
Mitchell : And I know that if you love me, too...
Cameron & Mitchell : ♪ What a wonderful world this would be ♪
Cameron : I really was in a jam, though.
Mitchell : Yeah.
Claire : My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers by being a cold, distant authority figure. Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this... why didn't I listen to him?
Claire : Hey. Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire. It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.
Man #1 : Oh.
Man #2 : Hey.
Man #1 : Hi.
Claire : Amazing. You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.
Man #2 : I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.
Claire : I'm... I'm so sorry. I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like... Anyway, um... My door's always open... to everyone.
Man #1 : That's Pritchett's daughter.
Claire : Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that. I'm... I'm a friend. I'm a colleague. I'm just like you. I'm Claire, you know... worker bee, just... Great to meet you. Sorry to interrupt, and see you around. I do... I got to do this one. Who am I? You can hang your clothes in me. Christopher walk-in closet.
Gloria : What is this?
Director : Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're shooting a commercial.
Gloria : So annoying.
Phil : Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.
Director : Actually, we're short a couple of extras. How would you two like to be in it?
Gloria : Yes!
Phil : That sounds amazing. Hey, um, I see a couple of old people. This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it? 'Cause if it gets too descriptive, I'm gonna squirm. I just did it to myself.
Cameron : I did my best to cram for my lecture. On the revolutionary war, but, ugh. All those names and dates... it's all so dry. Where's the drama?
Cameron : Good morrow!
Alex : Oh, boy.
Cameron : Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?
Student : Who are you?
Cameron : The 64-pence question. I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war. I spent a brutal winter in valley forge. Who am I?
Alex : I-I have no idea. I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
Cameron : I'm George Washington, of course.
Alex : Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover native Americans on the Eve of colonization.
Cameron : Yes. Native Americans. Indians! A majestic, peaceful people, who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.
Alex : The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti...
Cameron : Shifting all the time!
Student : So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?
Cameron : Ah! Yes. I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop. Uh, do y... nothing? Seriously, nothing? Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.
Charlie : Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour. I have my helicopter standing by on the roof.
Mitchell : Is it even built for that?
Charlie : No. That's why you only have a half-hour.
Mitchell : Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time. We have a ton to cover. We need to talk about new lease agreements and the workers' comp package.
Charlie : 29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.
Lily : Daddy, I'm bored.
Charlie : Whoa. Me, too. This is why I shouldn't come into work between vacations.
Mitchell : Why don't you sit at Natalie's desk and pretend to be my assistant, sweetie? Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick her up. Lily had an incident at school today where she...
Charlie : Hey, Pritchett, you're not some hot single mom I'm trying to seduce, so I don't need to hear about your kid.
Mitchell : Fair enough. So, lease agreements. Okay, I'm getting some push-back on the Miami location.
Lily : Mr. Pritchett, I have a Haley here to see you.
Mitchell : Oh. Okay.
Haley : Hi.
Mitchell : Hi, sweetheart. I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss, but thank you so much for helping me out.
Haley : No problem. My last class is a pass/fail. And it's community college, so it's pass.
Charlie : Hi. Charlie Bingham. Wow. Look at your eyes.
Haley : Oh. I-I can't.
Charlie : I like you. What do you think of these pants? It's part of our new collection.
Haley : It's, uh, a lot of zippers.
Charlie : It's too many, right? And they poke into my thigh when I'm in my helicopter. 'Cause I have a helicopter. It's not a big deal.
Mitchell : Okay, so, anyway, thank you.
Charlie : You seem to know a lot about fashion. I'd like to get your opinion on a few things.
Haley : Sure.
Charlie : Yeah?
Haley : Yeah.
Mitchell : Actually, no, she... she needs to stay and watch Lily.
Charlie : Yeah, you can do that. Hey, princess. Hey. I love kids.
Lily : Daddy's office. You sound like a little girl.
Claire : Hey, you wanted to see me?
Jay : Thanks for "bzzzing" by. I hope you weren't in the middle of a "thang."
Claire : Okay, that did get a little away from me. But to be fair, I broke the ice.
Jay : Everybody thinks you're a dummy.
Claire : Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact, one of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.
Jay : Don't say Todd.
Claire : His name is Todd.
Jay : Oh, no. You cannot go to lunch with Todd.
Claire : Why not?
Jay : You can't be associated with him. Up until an hour ago, he was the office weirdo.
Claire : But he was nice to me, and he helped me set up my computer.
Jay : Yeah, that's his job. For now.
Claire : What does that mean?
Jay : I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T. guy who shows up on time and doesn't creep out the office.
Claire : I can't cancel on the one person who was nice to me.
Jay : You can, but you won't, 'cause you're the type of person who brings cookies to the office.
Claire : Where are they?
Jay : Okay, we're done here.
Director : Okay, folks, you're just having a normal conversation, a typical day in a coffee shop, all right?
Phil : Roger that.
Director : Here we go, guys. And... action!
Actor #1 : How have you been, Roy?
Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
Actor #1 : Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
Actor #2 : What's that?
Actor #1 : Well, you have equity in your home, right?
Gloria : Mmm, this coffee is delicious!
Director : All right, you two in the back, we can hear you, so just mime your conversation.
Phil : Mime... mime... I knew that. I was already doing that, so just follow my lead.
Gloria : Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again. But everything else is okay?
Director : You haven't done anything else.
Phil : So, yeah?
Director : Back to one, guys. Action.
Actor #1 : How have you been, Roy?
Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
Actor #1 : Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
Actor #2 : What's that?
Actor #1 : Well, you have equity in your home, right?
Actor #2 : Sure, we do.
Director : What are they doing? Is she answering an imaginary phone?
Actor #1 : But you still get to live there.
Actor #2 : Oh, that sounds too good to be true.
Actor #1 : Don't take my word for it. Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.
Director : Okay, cut. Couple in the back.
Phil : Yep. No, I know. I know. Bigger?
Alex : The native Americans and the settlers had two completely different ideas of land ownership. Eventually, these differences would lead to war.
Cameron : Oh. Look, goose bumps. Okay, yes. Uh, class dismissed. We did it! Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise, tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared.
Alex : Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?
Cameron : Well, I don't want to be indelicate, but the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher.
Alex : I don't want you to be my permanent teacher.
Cameron : Oh, what? You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?
Alex : Listen to me. I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record, and I'm not going to let you screw it up now. I have an P.P. test in 160 days, and I need to ace it. Can you get me there or not?
Cameron : I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.
Alex : You do realize that all the men of the Alamo died?
Cameron : They all died!
Todd : Ruthie's older, so she thinks she's the boss.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Todd : But for a little guy, Stu holds his own. They can be a handful. But, God, they make me laugh so hard, you know?
Claire : Wow. I did not know you could even tell the gender of a turtle.
Todd : Oh, yeah. It's called "sexing the turtle," and it's an eight-step process. Now, let's pretend your hand is a turtle.
Claire : Okay.
Todd : What you do is you flip it over.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Todd : And then you have to look right into...
Claire : Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I think I get it.
Todd : Oh. I know. I'm droning on, aren't I? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Claire : Please, stop. Please stop!
Todd : Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Claire : You're not. You're not.
Todd : I am. But enough about my family. Tell me about yours.
Claire : All right, well, my husband Phil's a realtor.
Todd : That's funny. I'm buying a house.
Claire : Why? When?
Todd : Actually, we have the final walk-through today, sign the papers tomorrow.
Claire : Hmm. Th-that's a really big deal, Todd.
Todd : Yeah, and it's a bit of a stretch for us, too, but, uh, no, the time is right. We're just... we're gonna do it.
Claire : "We" is you and the turtles?
Todd : No, me and my wife.
Claire : A w... I'm sorry. You didn't mention your wife. That's great. I bet she's got a big, fancy, high-paying job, right?
Todd : Uh, she's getting her master's.
Claire : In?
Todd : Latin.
Claire : Oh, Todd. This may not be the best time to buy a house. I hate to be the one to break this to you...
Todd : Oh. No, no, no, no, I got this.
Claire : No, you don't.
Director : Stand by, everyone.
Phil : I really felt like I nailed that last one.
Gloria : I still feel so stiff. I don't know what to pretend saying.
Phil : You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life. Like, how was your day today?
Gloria : Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.
Phil : Okay, so use that. My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson, is also sad because his son wouldn't take his advice. And he wanted to be dropped off a block away from school. He expected that from his daughters. But thought his son would be different.
Gloria : That's so sad.
Phil : But Dr. Stephen Wilson is not going to let that ruin breakfast with his mistress.
Gloria : You know, maybe it's just time for us to... to accept that we have to let them go.
Phil : Maybe it is.
Director : Okay, everyone, here we go. We're rolling. And action!
Actor #1 : How have you been, Roy?
Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
Actor #1 : Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
Actor #2 : What's that?
Actor #1 : Well, you have equity in your home, right?
Actor #2 : Sure, we do.
Gloria : Please, no crying. You're gonna make me cry, too.
Actor #1 : Well, essentially the bank buys your house. But you still get to live there.
Actor #2 : Oh, that sounds too good to be true.
Actor #1 : Don't take my word for it. Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.
Phil : I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.
Charlie : It's a prototype. It can withstand the most extreme temperatures on the planet. It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.
Haley : It also repels women.
Charlie : I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight! Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.
Mitchell : Anyway, if we could get back to the lease agreements here.
Charlie : You're amazing. How would you fix it?
Haley : It's too boxy. Probably have to take it in here...
Charlie : Right.
Haley : ...and here.
Charlie : Yeah, I probably overdo it in the gym. Stupid 7% body fat.
Mitchell : Okay, so getting back to work.
Charlie : We are working. Why are we working?! I got to go to Cabo. Hey, you want to come with me?
Haley : Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.
Mitchell : Yeah, she's not going to Cabo 'cause she's half your age.
Haley : How old are you?
Charlie : Who cares? Pretty soon, I'm gonna look 20. I've been meditating in one of those pressurized eggs.
Haley : Well, if I went to Cabo, what would the sleeping situation be?
Charlie : Not much.
Mitchell : Okay, no, that is enough! No! No! She is my niece! Okay? This pathetic midlife crisis of yours is... is hurting the company, and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes. Y-you need to focus and you need to start acting your age... your... your real age, not your egg age.
Charlie : Huh. Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him. But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion. It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.
Mitchell : Just focus.
Charlie : You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.
Haley : What's that creaking?
Principal : Oh, hey, you're going the wrong way! That's the wrong way! No! Wait. I'm sorry. You're right.
Cameron : Uh, excuse me, Principal Brown.
Principal : Yikes. You know, most subs just play a movie. All right, do something different, guys.
Cameron : Uh, listen, I-I can't be your history teacher. Those kids work so hard, and they deserve someone who knows the material and can inspire them, so...
Principal : If you say so.
Cameron : Hey, I was wondering, what kind of play was that you were running? Was that supposed to be a slant?
Principal : Our freshman coach quit. I'm just a glorified babysitter.
Cameron : Well, your receiver needs to learn to run his routes, or the quarterback's never gonna be able to hit him. I-I played in college.
Principal : Oh. Okay. Hey, Tyler, you need to learn to run your routes.
Tyler : What routes?
Principal : Yeah, what routes?
Cameron : Um... Well, you're gonna line up here. Take three steps. One, two, three... plant right, open left 45 degrees up the field. Okay, why don't we try it again? Try it again! Tip! Put some zip on the ball, 18!
Boy : Hut, hut, hike!
Cameron : Hit him! Better. Better. Good job. Circle back up. All right, anyway, thank you for the opportunity.
Principal : Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team?
Cameron : Well, well, that's an interesting offer. How much does it pay?
Principal : Nothing.
Cameron : Are you firm on that?
Principal : Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available. It's all yours if you coach.
Cameron : Can I wear shorts?
Principal : Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.
Cameron : Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts. I humbly accept your offer. Huddle up, boys! Let's go! Hustle! Do you know what hustle means, 10?!
Claire : It really wasn't bad. Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him.
Jay : Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan?
Claire : Ruthie and Stu.
Jay : That's the name he picks? "Turtle stew"? Idiot!
Claire : Well, there was one little situation that came up, but I think I handled it pretty well. He's about to make, um, kind of a big...
Jay : Hold on. Margaret, why can't I log in here? What's wrong with my computer?
Margaret : The whole system's down. No one can access files. We can't get online.
Jay : Where's Todd?
Margaret : We can't find him anywhere, and his Yaris is gone.
Jay : Where are my files?! What the hell?
Claire : I-I might know a little something about this.
Jay : What did you do?
Claire : Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire him.
Jay : What?!
Claire : I had to. Dad, he's about to buy a house. But he was fine with it. He hugged me and thanked me and told me that it gave him time to make a plan. Oh.
Cameron : Gentlemen, today is a new beginning. And that can be scary.
Gloria : How did it go, Mr. Jet-setter?
Manny : Good. Really good.
Gloria : Do you want to talk about it?
Manny : No.
Cameron : I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now.
Matt : See you tomorrow, Luke.
Luke : Not if I see you first. There it is! There's that smile.
Cameron : But they will.
Luke : Hey, dad.
Phil : Hey, buddy.
Luke : We're at school.
Phil : Yep.
Cameron : Success is not guaranteed. It is not handed to you. Success is earned.
Jay : How's that data entry going?
Claire : Good. I am up to 1998.
Jay : Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the job 20 years.
Claire : So maybe I should listen to you?
Jay : Get you home a lot earlier.
Claire : Thanks, boss.
Cameron : Today, we are forging a new path, people! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
Boy : Wrong president.
Cameron : Just keep pushing!
Boy : Okay.
