Phil : Oh, my goodness, those hands are cold! At least buy me dinner first!
Luke : Boom!
Claire : Tell my wife and kids I love them.
Phil : Oh, my God.
Luke : That's kind of dark, mom.
Claire : What?
Phil : Wait, what's my favourite hospital food?
Claire : Ummm.
Phil : Jell-o! Hey buddy. No, today's still good.
Claire : Good for what? Who's buddy?
Phil : Yeah, just head on over the house.
Claire : Whose house? Who's buddy?
Phil : Ok, see you in a couple.
Claire : Couple of what? Who's buddy?
Phil : Kenneth.
Claire : Kenneth?
Phil : Kenneth!
Phil : If I had a son, I'd want him to be like Kenneth Ploufe.
Claire : You do have a son.
Phil : When we first moved in here, he was the sweet kid who lived next door.
Claire : Mm, the weird kid who lived next door, but Phil always had a soft spot for him because Kenneth sort of looked up to him.
Phil : I wouldn't say hero.
Claire : And yet you did.
Phil : Well, you weren't going to. Claire's always had some issues with Kenneth.
Claire : He would stare at me a little too long.
Phil : Can you blame him? You used to dress sexy back then.
Kenneth : Ten years. Can you believe it?
Claire : Mnh-mnh.
Kenneth : I feel like we ended that last hug too soon. Come on again!
Claire : Oh, wow, that's a lot of hugging.
Phil : Oh! She's right. Why hug when you can... Man-shake.
Kenneth : Man-shake.
Claire : I'm gonna get the coffee.
Claire : "Man-shake." Are we sure?
Phil : Roll up the curtain. Bing!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Natalie : I don't know what's worse... that he competes every Thanksgiving in a pie-eating contest, or that he's 9-time runner-up.
Andy : It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the contest.
Natalie : Yes it would.
Cameron : I think I have to tell my punkin chunkin story.
Mitchell : Oh, no, no, you don't have to.
Cameron : No, I kind of think I have to.
Mitchell : Once, Cam and his friends tried to slingshot a pumpkin across a football field. Three seconds. That's all he needs to tell that story.
Cameron : So the fog was rolling in over the mountains like an ominous blanket as we readied the giant slingshot. You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter, she was nervous because like I said, it was after curfew. She was a goody two-shoe. Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was. So we finally launch the pumpkin, and it sails through the air, goalpost to goalpost... past the end zone, into the parking lot, through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car. I turn to Cody and I say, "now what are the chances of that landing there?" He says, "where?" And I say... "The sunroof of a preacher man."
Mitchell : Wah-wah.
Manny : Okay, come on in! Voila!
Gloria : Ah!
Jay : Okay, what are we looking at?
Manny : My centerpiece for Thanksgiving.
Gloria : It is wonderful. You're so talented. I can't believe that you did this.
Manny : Yeah, my juices were really flowing on this one. I actually shot a making-of video. Hey, maybe we can watch it later at the party.
Jay : Well, yeah, that or football.
Gloria : Mi amor, I'm so proud of you. Is there nothing in the world that you can't do?
Jay : Centerpieces, for starters.
Gloria : Shh!
Jay : Why do you say everything of his is great, even if it isn't?
Gloria : Because I'm building him up. That's what parents do.
Jay : Too much, if you ask me. Kids cross the street nowadays, they get a ribbon. Manny's got plenty of confidence. He just needs a little reality check every now and then. And this thing is a horn of ugly.
Gloria : Shh! My mother used to criticize everything I did. And look at me now. I am a jumble of insecurities.
Jay : I'm not getting that.
Gloria : Do not say a word to Manny.
Jay : Fine. But trust me, if you told him the truth, he'd thank you later.
Gloria : Mm. Like Claire and Mitch? Did they thank you?
Jay : Not yet.
Gloria : Mm.
Jay : No. But it's coming.
Kenneth : Ah! So many memories in this place.
Phil : Yeah.
Kenneth : Do you guys still have, like, every cereal?
Luke : We have a lot.
Kenneth : Yeah! Of course you do. Of course you do. You only have the greatest dad in the world.
Phil : So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you since you went off to college.
Kenneth : Oh, you know, actually, that didn't work out so well. I bounced around for a while. Ended up washing dishes in New Mexico.
Claire : Mm, so without the benefit of a college degree, I guess your options were kind of limited, huh?
Haley : Ease up. It's a holiday.
Kenneth : Yeah, it was... it was tough. Oh, no. No, thank you. Thank you, though, sweetie. You're so sweet.
Claire : Oh. Okay.
Kenneth : It was tough for a while...
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Kenneth : But then a roommate and I started our own business.
Claire : Oh, was that also in the dish or cleaning industry?
Kenneth : No. No, no, no. It was actually a small investment company. Well, small at first. You know, we rode the tech wave for a while, then expanded into video games, amusement parks, sports arenas. Anything that seemed awesome, really. I'm actually in town to buy a blimp.
Phil : Holy crow.
Haley : Ohh. Wow. So if you... if you'd gone to college, you would have done all that just four years later, or... or never.
Claire : Alex really needs to be picked up, sweetie. Why don't you go get her?
Haley : I wanna hear more of what he has to say about...
Claire : We're leaving.
Phil : Kenneth, I am so proud of you. You really made it.
Kenneth : Well, I did get one pretty lucky break. Early on, I met a very special guy who taught me that what I thought and said had value.
Luke : Oh, you mean like...
Phil : Shh. Luke. Let the man talk.
Kenneth : He encouraged me to always find the fun and follow this thing.
Claire : Your lung?
Kenneth : No, my heart. To this day, at every crossroad, I ask myself one question... what would Phil Dunphy do?
Phil : Record scratch!
Kenneth : Oh, that's me buzzin'. Oh, it's Paris. She's my assistant in Tokyo. You'd think they'd know how to demo 4-D gaming graphics without my help. They don't. Hey, Luke, what instrument does yo-yo ma play? Um... cello?
Phil : He's me... And he's spectacular.
Alex : Oh, my God. Kenneth Ploufe is part owner of a resort in the Bahamas, some cruise line, and Lacy Fair, that lingerie company.
Haley : Oh! Ew! I'm wearing one of his bras!
Alex : Look, he's got a model in his lap.
Haley : No way.
Alex : Look at her.
Haley : This is your fault!
Alex : This is your fault!
Haley : Are you seriously gonna stay in here all day?
Alex : I can't face mom. If I see her, I'm gonna have to confess.
Haley : Take a breather. It's just a dent. And saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.
Alex : This is not the time for moral equivocation.
Haley : Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.
Alex : You're the one who's gonna lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
Haley : All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did, so it's not really lying.
Alex : Listen to you. Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Haley : Ugh. You sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after High School.
Mitchell : It was a supportive "wah-wah." I was trying to save the moment.
Cameron : There's no such thing as a supportive "wah-wah." A "wah-wah" by its very nature is vicious and undercutting.
Mitchell : Well, I was just trying to salvage that story, okay? I told you not to tell it, you told it, and it died.
Cameron : It did not die. It's a thinker.
Mitchell : Cam, the only thing people were thinking was, "thank God this story's over."
Cameron : Okay. I get it. So how long have I been embarrassing you with my stories?
Mitchell : No, no, no, no. You don't embarrass me. I love your stories, okay? The tractor in the swimming hole? Aunt Betty's wiglet on the piglet?
Cameron : Uncle Carl said she couldn't tell 'em apart.
Mitchell : See? Those are funny. You have so many great ones.
Cameron : Well, that's farm life. Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop of stories.
Mitchell : Yeah, I'm just saying maybe you take punkin chunkin out of the rotation.
Cameron : I guess you're right. Maybe I could just...
Mitchell : Yeah, stick to the ones that really happened, because people love those.
Cameron : Excuse me. What?
Mitchell : I'm... I'm just saying people laugh more at stories that are true.
Cameron : Punkin chunkin is a true story.
Mitchell : True-ish?
Cameron : No. True.
Mitchell : Really? The length of a football field, through the sunroof of a car that was open in late November in Missouri?
Cameron : It was unseasonably warm.
Mitchell : That explains the fog rolling over the hill. And who's Cody... who you're close enough to chunk with but mysteriously only appears in this story?
Cameron : Cody was K.I.A. in Desert Storm. He's a hero. You know, all this from someone who's never even chunked a punkin.
Mitchell : Well, I've never lunked a tunkin, either. You know, these aren't real things.
Phil : This'll work, right?
Luke : Totally, dad.
Phil : Why have one long table when you can use four little ones bistro style? I'll bet this is how the French do Thanksgiving. You don't mind sitting with your Uncle Mitch and, uh, grandpa, do you?
Luke : Anything's better than watching Lily chew.
Phil : By the way, this is the side of your old man that Kenneth was talking about. Original. Imaginative. Fearless.
Luke : So Kenneth became a gajillionaire by asking himself, "what would Phil do?"
Phil : He sure did. Where did that come from? Right?
Luke : But you're you. Why aren't we gajillionaires? Why don't you do what Phil would do?
Claire : Phil, why didn't you just put the extra leaves in the table?
Phil : Trying to have some fun, be creative.
Claire : One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the last supper, it's good enough for us.
Manny : I'm having second thoughts about this centerpiece.
Gloria : Ay, no.
Jay : Hear him out.
Manny : I just think if we bring it to Phil and Claire's, we'll never see it again, right?
Jay : That's the plan.
Manny : Well, that would be sad. Except maybe my sadness will inspire me to create something even greater. Remember that collage I made that helped us get through Katrina?
Gloria : Mm-hmm.
Jay : You did this. You know that.
Manny : So... is this the legendary rice pilaf we've been hearing about?
Jay : Try for yourself. Used to make it every year, but it, uh, started to upstage the Turkey. Something wrong?
Manny : Not so much wrong as missing. It... it just tastes a little flat.
Jay : That a fact?
Manny : I just think with the earthiness of the rice, you might want something zesty to set it off. I think this might be a job for cumin.
Jay : You know, since we're sharing helpful criticisms...
Gloria : No, no, no, no. Nobody's sharing anything. Manny, go change for the party.
Jay : No, no, no, but I appreciate helpful criticisms. It, uh, it's important for me that I hear the truth. Makes me stronger, less of a mama's boy.
Manny : Yeah, mom, he can take it.
Gloria : That's what he says, but you don't really know what he feels underneath. Some people are so sensitive, that they hear one criticism, and it kills the spark that made them special.
Manny : I think I know what's going on here.
Jay : Good.
Manny : This is about you and your mom, isn't it?
Gloria : Yes, it is.
Jay : No, it isn't.
Gloria : Yes, it is! Manny, don't upset me anymore. Go. Go change.
Manny : What... what should I wear?
Gloria : Ay, you look good in everything!
Alex : Where you going, mom?
Claire : Mm, I gotta run to the store. Someone ate all the marshmallows.
Haley : Hey, can I tell you something? I was thinking that maybe after new year's break, we could visit a couple more colleges.
Claire : Seriously?
Haley : I was so hard on you before. I'm sorry. I know I'm no Kenneth. I'm gonna need all the help that I can get.
Claire : Honey, I am so proud of you. Oh. Oh, thank you.
Haley : Mm-hmm.
Claire : Oh, okay.
Haley : What are you doing?
Claire : Oh, Uncle Mitch is picking up the marshmallows.
Haley : Then again, backpacking through Europe could be educational in its own way.
Claire : No! No, no! No, no, no! Do you know what's illegal in Europe? Nothing! You are going to college!
Haley : Okay, fine.
Claire : Darn right it's fine.
Haley : Piece of cake.
Alex : My hair's coming out!
Claire : Wow, honey. I-I think you could make these simpler. Just, you know, sort of do 'em flat and on the side.
Phil : Hmm. Yeah. Seems like that's how you like me. Flat and on the side. You know what? Sometimes I need to be puffed up and frilly.
Claire : All right, is this one of those moments I'm gonna have to remember later when they ask me if there were any signs?
Phil : This is what Phil would do... make fantastic napkin origami that startles and delights his guests.
Claire : I know, but, sweetie, they're just looking a little...
Phil : Claire, you always do this. You squelch me. You squelch me right when I'm about to soar.
Claire : Honey, you're folding napkins.
Phil : You're folding my dreams! You know what Kenneth told me? The secret to his success... his whole career, he's tried to emulate me. The only difference is, he hasn't had someone constantly telling him what not to do.
Claire : So the only reason we don't have a... a blimp tethered to our mailbox is because I'm always shooting down your great ideas? Yeah. Let's review the squelch pile, Phil. Let's see... the rice pudding franchise.
Phil : Works for all chewing abilities.
Claire : Adult tricycles.
Phil : Just try to fall off.
Claire : The aspirin gun.
Phil : Some people have a hard time swallowing! And you left one out.
Claire : Hmm.
Phil : And that, my dear Claire, is a real head-scratcher... "TM."
Phil : Action. Hey, friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.
Luke : The stress from my job at the robot assassin factory... It's too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
Phil : Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real head-scratcher features 32 patent-pending "nogginizers" that gently massage your scalp in a soothing purr of motorized delight.
Luke : Ahh. It feels great, and it looks good, too. It's a real lifesaver.
Phil : You mean a real head-scratcher? "TM."
Claire : I love you, Phil, but you...
Phil : Stop. I love your "I love you." I'm getting awful tired of your "but." I heard it.
Alex : Welcome, welcome, welcome! Happy Turkey day! Hey, is that a new car?
Jay : Yep! It's the best, isn't it?
Alex : I can't take my eyes off it. You shouldn't, either.
Gloria : Are you okay, mami?
Alex : I'm... I'm...
Haley : Hey, guys! Now the party's started. Come on! How are you?
Gloria : Good.
Alex : You disgust me.
Haley : Are you hungry?
Manny : Oh, good. It's still in one piece. You hit those potholes pretty hard. It's like you didn't see 'em.
Jay : No, I saw 'em.
Manny : Can I be honest with you, Jay? I'm getting the sense that you're not the biggest fan of "Allegria"?
Jay : You got a name for it now? Great. All right. Cards on the table? This is not your best work. Now look, don't get me wrong. You're a talented kid. You're gonna be a big success in the world. But this... this is a swing and a miss.
Manny : Well, but my mom said it was...
Gloria : It's great, yeah, I know. But how did she say it?
Manny : What do you mean?
Jay : There's a big difference between "it's great," and "it's great." You hear that? "It's great," and "it's greeeat."
Manny : All I hear is a bunch of people telling me I'm great.
Jay : And that's a problem, because a lot of times people will lie to you to protect your feelings, and that's not doing you any favors. You get a lot farther in life if you know what you're good at and what you're not. Now you can handle that, right?
Manny : Yeah.
Jay : Of course you can. How you doing, honey?
Alex : I'm greeeat.
Claire : Okay, everybody, come on! Two minutes till dinner! Get ready! Oh, wow, Manny. What have you got there?
Gloria : He made a centerpiece!
Phil : Oh, that's fantastic.
Cameron : It's stunning.
Manny : It's garbage.
Gloria : No, no, no! What are you doing? It's so beautiful!
Manny : Stop the lies. Jay told me the truth.
Gloria : What did you say?
Jay : I mentioned it wasn't his best effort.
Manny : He said it was a swing and a miss.
Gloria : Why?! Why do you say these things, Jay?! It's like I married my mother!
Cameron : Jay, why would you do that?
Phil : Because he's a Pritchett. But don't let these negative nellies drag you down, Manny, because one day you could have a trillion-dollar idea that the people who supposedly love you most...
Claire : Okay, Phil! That's it. Go get the head-scratcher.
Phil : The real head-scratcher, "TM"?
Claire : Go get it, and let everybody else decide how many trillions I've cost you.
Phil : Way ahead of you.
Mitchell : What's going on here?
Phil : We are about to make hat history. Or as I like to call it, "hatstory." Early man had hours and hours to scratch his weary head. But what about today's busy times? Thank you, squire. Great thing about this? You can wear it anywhere. Hit it, buddy. Oh! It's like a thousand tiny angels are line dancing on my sca... I... it looks like we got a slight malfunction in a rear nogginizer. Oh! Shut her down! Shut her down, buddy!
Luke : It's not working!
Phil : My hair! It's got my hair! Okay! Fine. That... I'm fine. Forgot about that feature. It's an exfoliating... scrub. Buddy, can you grab the safety shears?
Cameron : You know what, Phil? Keep it up. And I admire you and Manny. I know what it's like to stare down skepticism from a loved one.
Mitchell : Cam, not now.
Cameron : Why not now? It's Thanksgiving. Families gather. Issues come up.
Jay : Only if you bring them up.
Cameron : It's healthy to get things out in the open. Y'all know my punkin chunkin story, or do you need a refresher?
Jay : We've heard it.
Claire : Oh, several times.
Gloria : I love it. With Cody and the friends?
Cameron : Yes. So you know how it ends. But the question is, who here thinks I made that up?
Claire : Oh.
Cameron : Oh. Well, doesn't that tell the whole story right there? Here we have the skeptics, the dream-squashers... The Pritchetts. And here we have the dreamers, the artists, the visionaries.
Phil : Sweet Caroline!
Jay : So we're supposed to believe that you make a... a pumpkin fly across a football field.
Cameron : I can prove it to you right now. Let's go to the football field.
Mitchell : Yes! Let's do this. I'd love to end this.
Phil : Yeah! Let's settle this! Dreamers versus Pritchetts!
Gloria : Bravo! Bravo!
Claire : No, no, no! Hold it! I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only gonna make half of us feel bad! Come on! Show a little respect.
Jay : Turkey smells great, sweetheart.
Phil : Is that Turkey? Because something smells like chicken.
Claire : Okay, let's settle this.
Gloria : Yeah. Vamos, vamos! Jay, I drive!
Luke : This is the coolest thing ever.
Gloria : Okay, I want to film. Ay, no, wait, I want to be in it.
Manny : Hey, Cam, are you sure this is going to work?
Cameron : Oh, God, you sound just like Cody.
Luke : Do you think this could launch a human?
Phil : Luke... Let's do the pumpkin first.
Luke : Okay.
Jay : They're having fun over there, but you know it's gonna end in tears.
Mitchell : Yeah, always does.
Claire : Knock-knock. Who's there? Physics.
Mitchell : Thank you.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Luke : Who's gonna be able to launch it?
Phil : I think it should be Cam!
Cameron : Oh, no! I think it should be all of us!
Gloria : All of us! All of us!
Claire : For the record, I don't squash all of Phil's dreams, just the ones that are, you know, potentially fatal.
Jay : I'm just trying to get the kid ready for life.
Mitchell : Yeah. Yes, i-if we didn't do this to them, the world would.
Cameorn : Okay, everybody, in final launching positions?
Phil : Get ready to eat some crow!
Gloria : It is not as delicious as it sounds. Okay... Uno! Dos! Tres! Three!
Phil : Yeah!
Manny : What happened, Cam?
Cameron : I don't know. I-I don't know.
Luke : Can we do it again?
Gloria : No, we only had one pumpkin, and we just chunk it.
Jay : Well, we were right.
Claire : Aw, yeah. Ha!
Cameron : I'm sorry, guys.
Claire : This usually feels a little better, doesn't it?
Mitchell : Yeah. All right. I-I hate to admit it, but when they put the pumpkin in, I was kind of hoping it would work.
Jay : Yeah.
Claire : Me, too.
Mitchell : Huh.
Cameron : All right! Let the gloating begin.
Jay : You know, it was a pretty good try.
Phil : We don't need your pity. Let's just get this stuff cleaned up.
Mitchell : Well... or if... if maybe we, um... we launch it from a steeper angle?
Claire : Yeah.
Jay : Then... maybe if you had somebody else you know, helping you pull the thing.
Luke : But we don't have any more pumpkins.
Claire : That's the easy part! They're on every porch up and down the block.
Jay : Oh, we can handle that. Come on, kid!
Mitchell : Yeah.
Phil : Come on. Let's try one.
Cameron : There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true.
Manny : Maybe if this works, we should launch my centerpiece next.
Jay : It wasn't that bad.
Manny : Your rice pilaf was.
Gloria : Jay, be careful!
Mitchell : Okay. All right.
Cameron : Oh! Oh! Keep going, keep going! Keep going!
Gloria : Ohh!
Cameron : You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists... Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
Mitchell : Okay! Next one's going through the... the goal thingy, I can feel it!
Cameron : Now when Lorna, Cody, and I did this, it was...
Jay : Less talkin', more chunkin.
Alex : Mom, I need to tell you something.
Claire : What is it, honey?
Cameron : Ready!
Alex : I distracted Haley while she was driving, and we dented your car.
Cameron : Fire!
Claire : Ohh!
Luke : Yeah!
Claire : Well, girls... three more seconds, and you would have gotten away with it.
Alex : Mm.
Haley : Mm.
Luke : Now a human? Come here, Lily.
Phil : Luke, no.
