Claire : Oh, thank you so much for the donations.
Woman : I wish I could do more, it's just a bunch of out of date clothes.
Claire : Oh, I'm sure it's great.
Claire : Three weeks ago, our neighbours the Rands lost their house and everything they owned in a fire. Fortunately, nobody was hurt.
Phil : And fortunately, they're friends with wonder woman over here.
Claire : I'm hardly wonder woman.
Phil : She mobilized the community to donate clothes, furniture, appliances, all to help them start over in their new rental.
Claire : Which you found them.
Phil : I'm no Wonder Woman. Rand-aid was her idea.
Claire : It wasn't my idea to call it "Rand-aid."
Phil : Okay, fine. I'm Wonder Woman.
Jay : Terrible tragedy.
Gloria : They're our closest friends.
Jay : We know them. Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight. In fact, I put in one of their closets. Not that it matters, but it was the only structure to survive the fire.
Gloria : Por favor, don't even say that word! In my country it is considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.
Mitchell : They lived a block away from us.
Cameron : Smoke was everywhere. I was so upset, I couldn't sleep for days. Of course, Mitchell won't let me take anything.
Mitchell : Well, Cam, we both know why. Some people have been known to sleepwalk or even sleep drive on that medication. Cam's reaction is much worse.
Mitchell : Oh! Ohh! Oh, God.
Cameron : I sleep clown.
Claire : Dad, you're gonna kill yourself.
Jay : I got it! We're on a schedule here. I still have to pick up the truck.
Gloria : If you want him to stop lifting things, put all this in grocery bags and turn the TV on to a football game.
Phil : Oh! Take this phone away from me!
Claire : Why?
Phil : Two of our best brokers left to start their own agency, and the office gossip is flying. But I want today to be about the Rands... And if I have this... Oh, my God! Those guys took two secretaries and the tube dude with them!
Gloria : Who's the tube dude?
Phil : You know, the blowy guy that attracts all the attention. This guy...
Gloria : Ah, si, I've seen him. He goes down over there, and then he shakes up. And goes down in there, and then...
Phil : You almost got it.
Gloria : And then goes down.
Mitchell : Hi, hi, sorry. We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.
Cameron : You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.
Mitchell : You do not want our problems.
Cameron : No. Oh, here, Jay, let me help.
Jay : No, I got it. Aah! My back!
Claire : Dad!
Phil : No, Jay, that's not quite it. Remember, you got air blowing through you, so it's more like... And then out. And then out.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Jay : Leave me alone. I'm fine. I've gotta pick up that truck.
Cameron : I'd be happy to get the truck.
Jay : I don't think so. It's a pretty big truck.
Cameron : Oh. Is it... is it bigger than the combine I've been driving since I was 12 years old? Or the Windrow tractor with the Macdon header that I drove to and parallel parked at my High School prom? Hmm?
Mitchell : At least something got plowed that night.
Cameron : Heard that!
Jay : Oh, son of bitch!
Phil : Your low back is in spasm, Jay. I can massage that out for you.
Jay : I'm fine.
Claire : Dad, you don't know what you're missing. Phil is a magician.
Phil : And a licensed masseur. Before I heard the siren song of residential real estate, I was bitten by the rub bug.
Mitchell : No, he's... he's amazing. I had this knot in my leg, two minutes with Phil and it was gone.
Jay : I'm sorry, but I think you might have a higher tolerance for a man's hands on your body than I do.
Mitchell : Charming.
Gloria : Ay, don't be an idiot. Let Phil help you.
Jay : Fine.
Phil : Great! I'll just go get the room ready. I'll think you'll be surprised with what these hands can do.
Cameron : Really? Can they drive a bobcat skid-steer with a bucket grapple through a school hallway on a dare? Because these can and have.
Manny : Poor Reuben, huh? Having to rebuild his whole life at age 12.
Luke : Yeah. That blows.
Manny : I know we're both shaken up, but let's watch the language.
Gloria : Okay, put this in a safe place. It's for Reuben. It's one of those, um, how do you say again, the takka-takka-takka...
Luke : Is that the helicopter with the camera in it...
Manny : Mm-hmm.
Luke : That you control with your phone? The one I asked for?
Gloria : Okay, when your house burns down, you get one of these. Now don't burn your house down.
Luke : How lucky is Reuben?
Manny : So lucky.
Luke : You know what? I say we take this thing out and see how she flies.
Manny : I don't know. My mom got it for Reuben.
Luke : Oh, so now he won't even share his toys?
Manny : He never does.
Luke : Screw that guy!
Manny : Yaeh! You're a terrible influence.
Luke : You need me.
Gloria : Claire, in case you want to add something, I put the box of dresses outside and this is the box of snicker snackers.
Claire : Mm. Thanks. Mitchell, we did have something to add to this box of, um... Snicker snackers. What?
Mitchell : English is not her first language. She's just trying to help.
Claire : Mitchell, come on. You can't do that. You can't just change the rules. This is what we do. When Gloria says something silly, we innocently laugh behind her back.
Mitchell : She's had a rough week, all right? She's really worried about tia Maria Cecilia and that surgery. Oh, and then she lost her cell phone at pilates.
Claire : How do you know this?
Mitchell : We have coffee.
Claire : Oh. Have? So when did this become, like, a thing?
Mitchell : What's the big deal? We're friends. I like Gloria.
Claire : Uh, it's no big deal. I have nothing against her, I just think... Oh! Mm. All right. So before you get all judge-y, I gave her that vase.
Mitchell : After I gave it to you.
Haley : You couldn't part with that T-shirt?
Alex : I love this shirt.
Haley : You know, you don't have to look the way you look. Amber rand lost all her clothes in a fire, but she gets to build herself a new wardrobe.
Haley : Let me burn your clothes.
Claire : Girls, get down here. There's a lot of work to do.
Alex : Ugh. She's in a mood.
Haley : You know what we have to do, right?
Alex : There's no way you're my real sister!
Haley : I hate you!
Alex : I can't believe you would ever... you're the most selfish...
Claire : Okay, That's it! I cannot take the fighting! Just get out of the house.
Haley : Works every time.
Cameron : You know, I don't even wanna drive the truck anymore even though on the farm I was...
Jay : I can't take another farm story.
Cameron : Yay!
Jay : You might wanna take someone with you. The thing's been parked there six months. You're gonna want to hose it down, sweep for spiders.
Claire : Good news, girls. You're going with Uncle Cam.
Cameron : Yay!
Jay : The pain must have been pretty bad if I was asking Phil for help. His need for my approval is exhausting. In ten years, I've asked him for one thing... to hook up my wireless printer. He still won't shut up about it.
Phil : How's that printer working out for you? Still loving that printer, eh? You know, if your printer breaks from here, I can fix it on my phone.
Jay : Can you?
Phil : I can, but I don't need to, because I fixed it forever.
Jay : Just once, I wish he wouldn't make such a big deal about everything.
Phil : Okay. Now just disrobe and place the towel over your buttocks.
Cameron : Riding the open road in a big rig like this sure can work up a man's powerful appetite.
Alex : We've gone five blocks.
Cameron : Do you want a burger or not?
Haley : I could eat. Hey, Alex, maybe Uncle Cam will let you borrow his hat later. You know, since you dress like a dude.
Alex : I like the way I dress.
Haley : Uncle Cam, as her future prom date, will you please talk to her? You know fashion.
Cameron : First of all, you're each beautiful in your own way, but you're both playing for second, because I'm too sexy for... this truck.
Alex : I have to say, you do drive it surprisingly well.
Haley : Yeah, who would have thought?
Cameron : Surprising? What, that... that a gay man can drive a truck? You know, I expect that kind of thinking from Jay's generation. But from our future generation? No.
Cameron : Wow. This place got crowded.
Haley : Whoa. You're really wedged in there.
Alex : You want us to help guide you out?
Cameron : That question... it was like a hate crime.
Cameron : Sorry!
Haley : Hey, you're really close on this side.
Cameron : Yeah, I see it.
Haley : Careful!
Cameron : I'm being careful. Gasping? Really? Holding hands? We're not in a nosedive. Okay, you know what, if it would make you feel better, get out and guide me. Okay, come on. Let's go.
Haley : Please don't yell at me, but there's not enough room.
Cameron : Okay, climb over. You're fine.
Phil : You know, the native Americans believe that burning sage kept bad energy away.
Jay : How'd that work out for 'em? Get to the back.
Phil : That's the spirit. Thank you. I just need to make sure that the oil is a perfect 98.6. And it is perfect. Now I want you to take a deep breath and let me transport you to a land I call relaxistan.
Jay : Oh, what the hell? Get off me. I knew this was a terrible... Oh, mama Lucian, that's good.
Luke : So you wanna try it?
Manny : I don't know. I'm still feeling guilty.
Luke : It's Reuben's helicopter. Reuben is the whole reason we should be doing this. He's barely living proof that life can change in a second. You gotta grab what you can when you can.
Manny : What is this hold you have on me? Wow.
Luke : Okay, now ease up.
Manny : Okay, I'm easing up. Okay, it's not working.
Luke : Get ahold of yourself, Manny! She's getting away!
Manny : I can't... I... I can't hold her!
Luke : Give it to me! Mayday! Mayday! Oh, well.
Manny : What do you mean "oh, well"? My mom's gonna kill us.
Luke : Us? You were flying it. I was in the attic packing boxes.
Manny : You're gonna help me find it, or the next search will be for you.
Luke : I like this guy. Where's he been?
Phil : Just relax. Let me know if I'm hurting you.
Jay : Are you kidding me? It's fantastic. I love you. This! I love this!
Jay : It just slipped out. Those are the worst three words I could say to Phil. I was just praying he would let it go and not make a big deal about it.
Phil : Oh, my God. This is huge. Jay, I'm sorry. I need a minute.
Jay : Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch.
Mitchell : Oh, these are fantastic. Why is Manny getting rid of them?
Gloria : He said that they were last season.
Mitchell : I used to have a pair like these. I can never find 'em anymore.
Gloria : Oh, there's an outlet store. They don't have men's size, but I'm sure the biggest size for boys would fit you perfectly. I'll take you.
Mitchell : All right. It's a date.
Claire : Oh. Another date.
Gloria : Claire, I heard what happened with the vase, but I don't want you to worry about it.
Claire :: I'm so sorry. I should have told you about that sooner. It just... I have really been shaken by this whole fire thing. You know, life is so fragile.
Gloria : I know, like a vase.
Claire : You tattled on me?
Mitchell : She asked me about it. What was I supposed to do? Why are you making those cruel sounds with your mouth?
Claire : You don't see it? You're turning Gloria into mom.
Mitchell : What?
Claire : Mm-hmm. First you got all defensive of her, and then you tattled on me to her. That's exactly what you did with old mom. It's what you're doing with new mom.
Mitchell : Okay, okay.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : Only you could make my friendship with Gloria into something ugly.
Claire : Don't get me wrong. I think it's sweet. We've all got our thing. You have mommy issues.
Mitchell : I do not have mommy issues!
Gloria : Okay. So I pick you up tomorrow, we go get you your big boy pants, and then we go and get a little ice cream, okay?
Claire : Perfect.
Gloria : Hi. You still don't feel very good?
Jay : I told Phil I loved him. Oh. It was an accident. You know how he gets with that stuff.
Gloria : Ay, I know.
Phil : Jay, can I talk to you later about what just happened?
Jay : Yeah.
Phil : Thanks. Jeez, I just worked that out.
Gloria : You're screwed.
Phil : Today is the biggest day of my life. Just relax. Let me know if I'm hurting you.
Jay : Are you kidding me? It's fantastic. I love you. This! I love this!
Phil : Oh, my God. This is huge. Jay, I'm sorry. I need a minute.
Phil : The two guys who left the firm asked me to quit my job and partner with them at the new agency. Big opportunity, big risk, and they need an answer by the end of the day. I don't always make great decisions under pressure.
Claire : What the hell is that?
Phil : An alpaca. I got the last one.
Driver : Come on, man! Move that truck!
Cameron : I hate you!
Haley : Okay, so... I flirted with a table of truckers who have offered to help us.
Cameron : No! No help! I've come too far!
Alex : Have you?
Cameron : Oh, hey! They don't sell pizzas at this restaurant! You parked here illegally! Congratulations, sir. You're destroying America.
Haley ; Hey, there are no cars behind us. Go!
Alex : Gun it! Oh! Ow!
Cameron : All right! All right! Everybody relax! We're fine! We're fine!
Haley : We are not fine!
Alex : And we're all smooshed!
Haley : And we're scared!
Alex : And we're tilted at a 30-degree angle!
Haley : Nerd! And we're dirty and tired and late!
Cameron : Okay! Can you please just be quiet!
Haley : Why couldn't we have just asked for help?
Cameron : 'Cause I'm teaching you girls a very valuable lesson... that gay men can do anything straight men can do.
Haley : Yeah, we know that. Do you think you're the only gay guy that we know?
Alex : Yeah. My soccer coach is gay...
Haley : Our pediatrician...
Alex : My Latin tutor.
Haley : Nerd! Our electrician.
Cameron : Well, then why were you so surprised when I said I could drive a truck?
Haley : Not because you're gay, because you're you.
Alex : And by the way, you can't.
Cameron : Okay, wow. I guess I owe you an apology. I made a leap there. I'm just used to dealing with stereotypes. I'm a little sensitive about it.
Haley : Oh! There's the trucker that I talked to. Hey! Excuse me! Hi! Could you give us a hand, please?
Trucker : Sure thing, sweetie.
Cameron : Oh, like she'll be able to help us.
Claire : Boy, do you have the right idea. Could use a little break from the mother and child reunion going on down there. Don't ask. Mitchell's turning Gloria into mom. Bam! It's out. Hmm. You remember the way mom and Mitchell used to be in their private little club, just the two of them, and no one else allowed in. Well... it's happening again, but this time around, it's happening with your wife. You should see them down there. It would actually be adorable if it weren't so sick. I just... you know, I feel like Mitchell is a grown man, he has a child, and he's still working out some psychodrama from 20 years ago. Daddy, can I have a sip of your beer, please? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mitchell cozies up to mom, I go running to daddy. I'm the one who's turning Gloria into mom, which is really disturbing since we're the same age.
Jay : You're older.
Claire : Oh. Oh, that's where we're gonna chime in?
Luke : Will you hurry up?
Manny : I'm saving my strength because if we don't find this helicopter, I'm walking to Canada.
Luke : Hope you like taxes.
Manny : Hey! That's our helicopter!
Abraham : Is it, now? I'm sure you have the proper documentation for that.
Luke : Just give it back. It's ours.
Manny : You guys are bullies.
Luke : They can't be bullies. They're nerds.
Abraham : Don't pigeonhole us. We can be both.
Cameron : Is there an issue here?
Alex : Uncle Cam, I got this.
Abraham : Oh, my God, it's Alex Dunphy.
Boy : So awesome.
Alex : Problem here, boys?
Luke : These geeks won't give us back our helicopter that we took from Reuben.
Alex : Is that right, Abraham?
Boy : Oh, my God. She knows your name.
Alex : Helicopter, please.
Abraham : I love you.
Haley : What just happened?
Alex : You have your fans, I have mine. Some day, your fans are going to work for my fans.
Claire : Oh, um, Gloria, do you mind if I talk to Mitchell alone for a minute?
Gloria : It's okay. I already know what you said, and I think it's crazy. Mitchell is not making me his mommy.
Claire : No, I know. He's not, but I think that I might be.
Gloria : Okay, now you're going really, really crazy, because I am younger than you.
Claire : Mm, by 14 months, so let's settle down.
Mitchell : What is going on with you today?
Claire : I... all right, I'm working this out as I go. I think maybe seeing you get all buddy-buddy today with Gloria made me feel like it did when you were with mom, and... and... I don't know. I-I felt like the odd man out.
Mitchell : Okay. Well, that... that's how I used to feel with you and dad.
Claire : I know. I know. We... we chose teams, even during the divorce. It... Okay, the last couple years, you and I have been our own team. You know? And I don't want that to go away. So... I guess I just felt a little left out today.
Mitchell : Shut up.
Gloria : Okay, can you two try hugging a box so that your poor mother doesn't have to do all the hard work?
Claire : I am sorry, Gloria, about all the mom stuff today. I just... I got this crazy idea that you liked Mitchell better than me.
Gloria : I do like Mitchell better than you.
Claire : What?
Gloria : Ay, please. Are you going to honestly tell me that I'm your favorite person in this family? I'm not even your favorite Colombian in this family. I would love to get closer to you. You have my number. But call me quickly because I book up.
Jay : You never saw me.
Phil : There you are. I really need to talk to you.
Jay : You really don't.
Phil : Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.
Jay : Oh. Good for you!
Phil : I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of them's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.
Jay : Well, what does Claire think?
Phil : I haven't told her yet. I wanted to talk to you first. You've done this.
Jay : Well, I think that there's only really one question.
Phil : Whether I'm ready to run my own company?
Jay : Ah, you're great with people. We know you're a good salesman. You've managed to provide a good living in tough times.
Phil : Then what? Is this the right time?
Jay : Never a perfect time. House could burn down tomorrow. Question is, do you want this?
Phil : Yeah. Yeah, I really want it.
Jay : Then gamble on yourself. I'd gamble on you.
Phil : I'm gonna do it.
Jay : There you go!
Phil : Thanks, Jay. Hey, look, I know you were reluctant to get that massage, but I think we can both agree it had a happy ending.
Jay : Please don't say that.
Jay : If I could only save one possession in a fire, probably my first set of golf clubs. My old man gave 'em to me.
Gloria : The engagement ring that Jay gave me that changed my life.
Mitchell : Lily's adoption papers.
Cameron : I was gonna say adoption papers. So I guess, then, I would say my mom's recipe book.
Phil : All our family photos... Which I keep on my iPad, so my iPad.
Claire : As long as I have my family, I wouldn't need anything else. What?
Phil : You say something like that, it makes us all seem petty.
Claire : Yeah. Well... I know.
Mitchell : Shh! Cam's sleeping. I don't wanna wake him.
Haley : He's had a rough day.
Alex : Not as rough as grandpa's truck.
Mitchell : Shh! Thank you so much for driving me. I really didn't want to ride in that big rig.
Alex : It was amazing. Everybody was honking, and I learned, like, five new curse words.
Haley : Mostly from Cam.
Cameron : Oh, I'm glad I could give you a laugh today. You know, I didn't know that's what I was to you people a big joke.
Mitchell : No, honey, it wasn't like that.
Alex : No, we really didn't mean...
Haley : Uncle Cam, we love you.
Cameron : Save it. I'm going back to bed.
Haley : So he's still doing that?
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah, but we're working on it.
