Gloria : Ay, finally!
Cameron : Look who's wearing her itsy bitsy bikini.
Phil : He can comment because he's raggay.
Claire : He was talking about Lily.
Phil : So was I.
Gloria : Ay, Cam, you make her look so pretty.
Mitchell : Guess who's not coming for Christmas.
Cameron : And the spotlight shifts.
Mitchell : Mom. She cancelled.
Claire : What?
Mitchell : In a voice mail, no less.
Claire : Unbelievable... and by that, I mean believable.
Haley : Why isn't Nana coming?
Mitchell : I don't know. Something about her new boyfriend whisking her away on a cruise.
Jay : I just got my gift.
Claire : What boyfriend?
Alex : Carl the cruise ship captain. It was in her holiday newsletter.
Claire : Oh, I can't read that whole thing. No.
Cameron : Yeah, after two pages about the bird she rescued...
Phil : And by the way, I don't think you can say you rescued something if it dies.
Cameron : It died?
Jay : She wrote a poem about it.
Manny : A little too free with the free verse for my taste, but fine, we'll call it a poem.
Mitchell : I stopped reading after she talked about suing her book club.
Claire : Oh, I stopped reading after "dear friends,family and others... " I'm sorry. Who are "others"?
Gloria : Me.
Jay : No,you're not... Uh,maybe you are.
Phil : Actually, she's kind of at her best at Christmas. She makes a mean cookie.
Claire : What other kind could she possibly make?
Gloria : Ay, it's so sad that you guys are not gonna be with your mom this Christmas.
Mitchell : It's fine.
Claire : Yeah, it's more than fine. Let's just... Can we move off of mom?
Mitchell : Yes, please.
Cameron : Yeah, and the upside now, Mitchell... We can spend Christmas in Missouri where it actually feels like Christmas.
Claire : Wait. Hang on a second. Just because mom isn't coming doesn't mean we're not gonna spend Christmas together. I mean, it's about family.
Cameron : Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, Claire, the oak ridge boys?
Jay : Hold on. I thought we were all getting together Christmas eve this year. We're on a flight to Mexico the 25th.
Claire : What do you mean, you're getting on a flight on the 25th?
Jay : You two needed time with your mom. I've already served my time with your mom.
Claire : Oh, dad.
Mitchell : Well, uh, well, when are we gonna have Christmas then?
Luke : I heard kids are getting snatched in Mexico.
Manny : What?
Gloria : Kids get snatched here just as much. It happens all the time. Don't be scared.
Manny : Now when you say "all the time"...
Mitchell : okay, well what about next weekend? 'Cause we don't leave till the 21st, right?
Claire : Yeah, we leave tomorrow and we don't come back until the 21st.
Haley : Hey, math club, could you get me some more lemonade?
Claire : Are we saying that this is the last time we're all gonna be together as a family until after the holidays?
Luke : And for you, maybe ever.
Mitchell : Well, this stinks.
Cameron : Yeah, we can't do this. This is not right.
Claire : We always spend Christmas together.
Mitchell : Yeah, we have to do something about it.
Phil : Ho, ho, hold up a sec. We're all free today. We've got four hours to shop, cook, wrap, get a tree. By tonight, we could be celebrating Christmas, right?
Mitchell : I... I guess we could do that.
Phil : Of course we can! Have you ever heard of express Christmas? No. No, you haven't, because I just invented it. Express Christmas, "tm." It's when you can't have it on Christmas day...
Cameron : I got it.
Phil : And you have to scramble.
Jay : Get on with it!
Phil : We're wasting time! We're wasting time! Everyone in the house! We'll make a plan! Time is of the-oh! Ow! Hot! Hot! It's just too hot!
Claire : Oh, Phil!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Jay : So we're really doing this, huh?
Mitchell : Yes.
Jay : 'Cause I had stuff lined up for Christmas eve.
Gloria : Yeah, Jay. It's Manny's last chance to enjoy a family Christmas.
Manny : Until next year, you mean.
Luke : Well, with all the snatchings...
Manny : Get out of my head, Luke!
Phil : Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
Mitchell : Oh! I will. I will. Because, you know, get the wrong kind, people get upset.
Claire : You get upset.
Mitchell : I'm people.
Phil : Fine, I'll get the turkey. What about gifts?
Gloria : Jay, did we finish shopping?
Jay : Yeah, but we're not wrapped.
Cameron : Oh, I can help with that. We have a mobile wrapping station. God, has that thing paid for itself.
Mitchell : Really? 'cause I feel like I paid for it.
Phil : Okay. We've got lights and ornaments at our place.
Mitchell : Oh! You know what would be great? It's the angel!
Claire : The angel. Yeah. Where is it?
Mitchell : Oh. Um, Gloria, it's up in your attic. Would you get it?
Gloria : Ay, no! Not the attic! It's dirty, and there are spiders.
Mitchell : Oh, but it really won't be Christmas without it.
Jay : Won't be Christmas with it. It's December 16th.
Phil : Luke will help Gloria. He's not scared.
Manny : Oh, good. You won't find me in any attic.
Luke : That may be exactly where they find you.
Manny : Mom!
Haley : Uh, I have a party tonight. You promised I could go if I got a "b" on my test. I studied. I read stuff. What was the point of all that?
Claire : The point, young lady, is for...
Phil : Who can remember? Express Christmas will be done by 9:00. Claire, I'll text you the gift list.
Claire : Okay.
Phil : You and Haley do the shopping. Manny, you're coming with me. We're gonna get groceries. Dinner, our house, 6:00. Let's move! On dasher! On dancer! On prancer and vixen! Hey, that kind of worked out.
Claire : Come on, Haley. It'll be fun. A lot of fun. We can go to target. Okay?
Phil : Come on, let's go!
Mitchell : So it's-it's just me and Lily getting the tree, then? Hello?
Lily : Hello?
Alex : My mom tells me it's "xmas" in a text?
Mitchell : Yeah, well, my mom canceled in a voice mail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so... Join the team. Put some clothes on. We're getting a tree. Wait. Hold on.
Gloria : Luke!
Luke : At what?
Gloria : What do you mean, "at what"? I said "Luke."
Luke : I am looking.
Gloria : I know you are. Stay on the beams. Maybe it's here. Ay, dios mio! El Diablo! It's back! What is so special about that angel, anyways?
Luke : I don't know. I guess nana made it for mom and uncle Mitchell when they were kids.
Gloria : Ay, that's nice. Look where you're going!
Luke : To open more boxes. oh, you said "look where you're going," didn't you?
Gloria : Yes.
Luke : Every time you say "Luke," I think you're saying "look."
Gloria : I don't hear the difference.
Luke : It's not that hard. One is my name.
Gloria : Juan is not your name! Stop kidding around and look, Luke. Ay, I get it. "look" sounds like "Luke."
Luke : Yes. Thank god. I've been carrying that one around for three years.
Haley : Ugh. There's like a hundred things on this list.
Claire : I know but it's just the two of us. It's fun.
Haley : Okay, it's not fake mother's day. Ugh! This place is huge! oh, plus we have to cook dinner! This is impossible.
Claire : Listen to me. Your whole life has led to this moment. All the training, the hours of dedication... There's not a soul alive who can touch you when it comes to shopping, and, baby, you know it. Look at me. Be you.
Haley : Give me that list.
Claire : Never been more proud in my life. Come on.
Haley : No. This way.
Alex : What about this one?
Mitchell : Let's see. No. No. I'm sorry, I know I'm being really o.c.d. Right now, but there's something very particular that I'm looking for. It needs to be a douglas fir, at least 8 feet tall, and look good from all sides.
Alex : Exactly. No bald spots.
Mitchell : Yes. Thank you. Thank you. The key is symmetry, right? How come we never go shopping together?
Alex : Because I hate shopping.
Mitchell : I do, too! Okay, this one.
Alex : Wait. Oh. No, no, no.
Mitchell : Oh, no, no, no, no.
Salesman : Uh, I think I know what you're looking for, and we just got a shipment that might be perfect for you.
Alex : Okay, wow. Just because my uncle is clearly gay... doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on a coatrack than have to deal with knuckle-draggers like you today of all days. December 16th.
Mitchell : Okay, first of all, amazing. Second of all...
Salesman : I was pointing to the truck. It's full of 8- foot douglas-firs. It's behind the pink tree.
Mitchell : Second of all, uh, we're-we're gonna go ahead and take, uh, this-this tree...
Alex : That one.
Mitchell : And we're going to tie it onto our car ourselves.
Salesman : You bet you will.
Lily : I have two daddies.
Mitchell : He gets it, Lily.
Alex : Yeah.
Cameron : Oh. Finger.
Jay : All right.
Cameron : Cam and Jay-you know, sort of sounds like a bird. "the migratory patterns of the Cam and Jay... "
Jay : Do you have any more tape in that thing?
Cameron : Do I have more tape in that? I got a tank full of tape, mister. What do you want? Invisible? Satin finish? Uh, double sided?
Jay : Whatever. Whatever.
Cameron : Okay. That's interesting.
Jay : I doubt that it is,but what?
Cameron : Well, I mean the way you wrap a gift. That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in. Kind of like... You know... I mean, well, you let me in, but in general,w... Why so much tape, Jay?
Jay : Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cameron : It's my Christmas sweater.
Jay : Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.
Cameron : Well, who's been a very good boy? So... Okay. Are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room, which is ironic because it's so tiny?
Jay : A man doesn't give another man a gift this small.
Cameron : Oh, what do you think it is, a ring?
Jay : Was there wine with this cork?
Cameron : Yes, there was, and we drank it on...
Jay : Oh, we drank it on, uh... eh? Yeah. Um... On that boat.
Cameron : You have no idea.
Jay : I can't even remember my own anniversary, Cam. How would I have remembered having had wine with my son's boyfriend?
Cameron : No, I do this. This is my fault. I... I attach too much meaning to things. I mean, we watched our first football game together five years ago, and I feel the need to save the cork from the bottle of wine you served. I mean, who does that? It's not your only gift, by the way. There's a duplicate bottle in that box right over there which I had engraved with the date and the final score, because I have a problem. I feel too much. I gotta get going to Claire's.
Jay : Cam...
Cameron : No. Fresh wound. Can't talk yet.
Jay : Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Cameron : Let it scab, Jay. Let it scab.
Haley : Oh, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.
Claire : Oh, I'm sorry. I may have taken a few minutes to try out a futon. It's a young woman's game. Okay. Where do we stand?
Haley : I think we have everything.
Claire : Yes!
Haley : Oh... Except the ladybug night-light for Lily.
Claire : Haley, your whole life has led up...
Haley : Oh, I got it, mom, I got it.
Claire : Okay, okay, I'll b... I'll see you in line.
Man : Yes, Ronald? I not only found it, I got the last one. Yes, the ladybug, not the turtle. I also got the doll, so I'm all set. I'm gonna leave in five.
Claire : Or maybe I just want paper. Paper. Paper. Just paper all the way. Yeah! Haley! Too late to change my mind?
Haley : Sir, would you like me to hold your merchandise up at the register while you finish shopping?
Man : Oh. Aren't you a dream?
Claire : Pack of gum. And... One more pack of gum. People drop in this time of year, you know.
Haley : Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me. Night-light you were looking for, ma'am. Ring her up, Madison.
Claire : Thank you. There you go.
Manny : You're leaving me alone here?
Phil : No, no, no, no. I... It'll, uh, it'll just take me two minutes. I need to get Jay's super secret special gift.
Manny : Great. First you lose me in the grocery store, now I'm in a deserted parking lot. Why don't you just put a sign on me that says "free kid"?
Phil : I think that might be him.
Manny : You don't know the guy we're meeting?
Phil : That's how craigslist works. Total strangers sell you things like signed vintage baseball cards that make your father-in-law respect you for an afternoon.
Manny : I don't like the looks of this guy.
Phil : He looks like everybody else.
Manny : Great. You can just tell that to the police sketch artist.
Man : Joe Dimaggio?
Phil : Phil Dunphy, but I get that a lot. Kidding. I'm your guy.
Man : Can I see the cash?
Phil : Yes. Can I... Can I see the card? Mint condition.
Man : That's why I want another $50.
Phil : I only have the $200.
Man : Uh, deal's off, then.
Phil : Come on. It's Christmas... At our house. It's a long story.
Man : $225.
Phil : I just spent all my cash on groceries.
Man : Fine. But I'm taking the butterball.
Phil : I don't know about that.
Manny : That's it. I'm getting mother's little helper.
Phil : What?
Manny : My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.
Phil : This isn't an emergen... Eeh! Now it is.
Manny : I thought he was going to snatch me.
Phil : A butterball is a turkey.
Manny : What'd he say?
Man : I think he said, "a butterball's a turkey." I was reaching for the turkey.
Manny : Oh. Well, we can't give you our turkey.
Phil : Yes, we can. And... Here's the... Money. Joe Dimaggio. Joe Dimaggio. Mint condit... Near-mint con... Fair condit... Garbage.
Luke : Huh. Never saw this before. "an angel for my angels. Love, mom."
Gloria : Oh, that's beautiful.
Luke : And it smells like mothballs, just like nana.
Gloria : Luke...
Mitchell : Thank-merry Christmas...
Alex : Just... just give it up. He hates us.
Mitchell : Don't beat yourself up. I do that, like, once a week. The good news is, we never have to come back here.
Alex : Watch out! The tree!
Mitchell : I can't watch!
Luke : Look!
Gloria : Ay, yes, I said "Luke." You told me already. I did it right!
Luke : No! Look!
Gloria : Never look back. Never!
Alex : Maybe we can salvage it?
Gloria : Are you okay, papi?
Luke : Yeah.
Gloria : Good. That's because we had our guardian angel. Ay! A spider!
Haley : Hey, mom? Check it.
Claire : The gum! Oh, and you made it pretty. Honey, put it on the table.
Haley : New tradition?
Claire : Oh, yes. Yes.
Gloria : Hmmm, Christmas gum. I take one.
Jay : Tough to decorate the tree with no tree, huh?
Cameron : Yeah.
Jay : How long you gonna ignore me, Cam?
Cameron : Until the shame cloud clears. You know, I push. I'm a pusher.
Jay : You gotta give yourself a break. See, the thing about me, I'm not as open with feelings as you. You've gotta lower your expectations.
Cameron : Oh, I get it. Baby steps.
Jay : No steps. This is it.
Cameron : See? Did it again. Push! Push, push, push, push. Now I've pushed you out of the room. That's fine.
Gloria : How is she?
Luke : I got the tire marks off her wings, but I can't get her head to stay on.
Gloria : Okay, that's what this is for. Now stick it in the top of the tree with the good part facing out. Come on.
Jay : Well, that stuffing looks good. All we need now is a turkey to surround it.
Claire : Well, relax. Phil just texted, and he's "on his wax."
Mitchell : Okay! Here comes the tree.
Jay : Oh! Finally!
Alex : Here comes more of the tree.
Jay : Hi, honey.
Cameron : Oh. Oh, my gosh. What happened?
Mitchell : Well, uh, someone ran over it, but that's okay 'cause we are gonna put it back together.
Alex : Right now.
Gloria : He's gonna need a lot of gum.
Claire : Oh, thank god. Here comes Phil and the butterball.
Alex : I have a name.
Phil : I am sorry, but there is no turkey.
Claire : There's no turkey? What's the plan, Phil?
Phil : Cornish game hens. If you get real close, they look like turkeys, and everyone gets their own.
Jay : Sounds like fun.
Claire : Not fun. Not fun. I asked you to pick up a cooked turkey.
Phil : The store was out of turkeys. It was an hour to express Christmas. Please, just make it work, okay? Please.
Claire : They're not even defrosted.
Phil : Fine, Claire. You want 'em defrosted? Merry... Freaking... Christmas!
Claire : Phil!
Gloria : Is that my stun gun?
Phil : Yep. And it works great.
Claire : Okay. Okay. Um... We can make this work. This can work. Dad, you and Mitchell reassemble that tree.
Jay : All right.
Claire : And I am going to defrost these birds, and we'll cook them in shifts, and we'll just push dinner back by a bit.
Haley : Oh, how long? 'cause I still have my party.
Jay : What the hell happened to the angel?
Gloria : No! The real question here is, how come we still have the dog butler?
Jay : Oh, you found him, huh?
Mitchell : Well, this thing is... It's filthy. And... What happened?!
Gloria : It got run over.
Luke : Probably by the same maniac who ran over the tree.
Mitchell : Oh, my god. Is that... Yep. Yep, that's gum. That is gum. Okay, I'm... I'm out. I'm done. I am out. No. No turkey, no tree, and now this looks like the lady she used to be before she died and became an angel.
Claire : All right. Relax, Mitchell. It's an ornament.
Haley : No, he's right. We're never gonna get this together. I'm going to my party.
Claire : No, no. No, you're not. You are not. You're staying right here, because you're not going to abandon your family...On Christmas.
Haley : It's not Christmas.
Mitchell : Exactly. Exactly. It's not Christmas, Claire.
Claire : Okay, fine! Fine! You know what? I am really tired of trying to make this work on my own. I will see you people in a year.
Alex : And nine days.
Gloria : No! Nobody goes anywhere. I know what the problem is here. You two miss your mommy.
Mitchell : No.
Claire : I do not miss my mommy.
Gloria : Admit it. It's sad. She used to make you cookies, the angel... Now she talks to you in a newsletter and she cancels for no reason. Come here, my little ones.
Mitchell : No. We're... Good. No, it's fine.
Claire : We're good. It's not a big deal.
Gloria : It's Christmas. You need a mommy.
Mitchell : You're not mommy.
Gloria : And it's not Christmas. Come here. It's okay to miss her.
Jay : Can I put in my 2 cents on fake Christmas?
Phil : Express Christmas.
Jay : Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
Phil : It needs time.
Jay : We all gave it our best shot to make this thing work. It just didn't happen, all right? What do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.
Manny : But I risked my life grocery shopping.
Jay : Save that story for wang fu. Now let's go. Come on, everybody.
Mitchell : Dad, no.
Jay : On me! Out! Everybody out! Let's go. Come on, baby girl. Come on, honey.
Luke : What's going on?
Claire : You hate Chinese food.
Jay : Not bad, huh?
Cameron : Jay, Jay, Jay.
Jay : You wanna hug me, don't you?
Cameron : I kind of do.
Jay : 4 to 5 seconds.
Cameron : 45 seconds?
Jay : 4 to 5 seconds.
Cameron : Oh, okay.
Gloria : Family is family. Whether it's the one you start out with...
Mitchell : Hi, mom!
Claire : Hi, mom!
Mitchell : Merry Christmas! So, um, tell us everything about the new boyfriend.
Claire : Oh, yeah.
Mitchell : Don't leave anything out.
Claire : You can leave some things out.
Gloria : The one that you end up with... Or the family that you gain along the way... Which makes every day december 16th.
Phil : Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about the baseball card. I- I did get you a- a backup gift. It's-it's nothing. I picked it up when we stopped for gas.
Jay : Dog antlers.
Phil : I know. You got us snow, and I got you dog antlers.
Jay : I love these.
Phil : I thought you might.
Jay : Honey, look. Come here. How cute is that? Where's my camera? Gloria, you gotta see this! Casta, Gloria!
Phil : Dog antlers...
Cameron : He loves dog antlers.
Phil : Oh, no! Okay! I am so sorry.
