Phil : Okay. Here she comes.
Kids : Happy mother's day! Aahhhh!
Haley : What are you wearing?
Claire : You don't remember this shirt? You made it for me for mother's day in kindergarten. It's adorable.
Haley : It's perverted. It looks like you were felt up by that creepy guy around the corner.
Alex : Ew! Why him?
Haley : 'Cause he's got, like, freakishly tiny hands.
Phil : Thank you!
Haley : I cannot believe you kept that shirt.
Claire : Of course I kept it. I'm your mother. I keep everything you make me.
Alex : Please take that off.
Claire : Oh, when I'm dead. Today is my special day, and I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.
Luke : You know that's a pencil holder, right?
Claire : Oh, I do now.
Jay : Go first.
Manny : No, you can go first.
Jay : Manny, go first!
Manny : No, Jay, you go first.
Gloria : Ah, somebody give me a present! Oh, Jay, a diamond necklace! Thank you!
Jay : You deserve it. Go ahead, kid.
Manny : Happy mother's day, mom.
Gloria : Oh. A necklace made of the froot loops! I love it!
Manny : I know they're not exactly diamonds, mom.
Gloria : No, they're beautiful.
Jay : You know what? I got a confession to make. Those aren't real diamonds. No. Here, give them back. I'll get you some real ones later.
Manny : Dang it. Now I got to come clean. These aren't real froot loops. They're generic.
Gloria : Hey. Now I have no presents again.
Mitchell : Good morning!
Cameron : He-e-e-y! Hey, what's this?
Mitchell : Well, I know you've had some late nights with Lily, and this is just my way of saying "thank you" and "I love you."
Cameron : Oh, thank you.
Mitchell : And this is just the beginning. Yeah, 'cause today is your day.
Cameron : Today?
Mitchell : All day.
Cameron : Today. Today is my day.
Mitchell : Something's happening.
Cameron : It mother's day, Mitchell.
Mitchell : So?
Cameron : You're bringing me breakfast in bed on mother's day.
Mitchell : Okay, no, no, this is not a mother's day breakfast.
Cameron : This is breakfast that happens to be on... You think of me as Lily's mother! I'm your wife! I'm a woman!!
Mitchell : What?
Mitchell : Honestly, I'm a little offended that he accused me of that. I'm actually very sensitive to that issue. Like I would ever treat my partner as a woman.
Claire : Somebody got new curtains.
Mitchell : Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop. Oh, we're never gonna be done by 6:00. Better call home. The wife's not gonna like this.
Mitchell : Sometimes I think he just wants to be mad at me.
Cameron : I can't eat!
Mitchell : Okay, you know what? If you can't accept the nice gesture, then just forget it. Okay, scratch the balloons. She is in a mood.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Phil : I asked Claire what she wanted for mother's day, and she said, "take a hike." It's not like that. She's... she's just bananas for walking around in nature. Um, so, she and... and Gloria are taking the kids up the canyon um, and Jay and I are, uh, throwing on the aprons and preparing a mother day feast. It's... it's gonna be fun.
Phil : ♪ I know you want to leave me ♪ but I refuse to...
Jay : We're not doing that.
Luke : You know there are coyotes in these woods? Did you pack a weapon?
Manny : I have a walking stick.
Luke : Does it become a sword?
Manny : I guess it could become a running stick.
Luke : All right, you're gonna outrun a coyote? The fastest mammal in the world?
Manny : I'm not sure that's true. And how are you gonna fend them off with a popsicle stick?
Luke : It's a spear. And it smells like lemon-lime, a flavor coyotes hate.
Manny : Where are you getting your information?
Alex : How much farther?
Claire : Well, I'd like to go far enough that we can't still see our car in the parking lot.
Haley : I'm getting dust in my mouth.
Gloria : You have to appreciate nature.
Claire : Yes.
Gloria : Soon, this will be the mall.
Haley : I'll come then.
Luke : I'm hungry. I say we eat what we kill.
Manny : Oh, then I guess we'll be eating the mood.
Luke : I don't get you at all.
Manny : I know.
Alex : Ugh.
Mitchell : Oh, is that the party over there?
Cameron : I don't know. I'm a woman, remember? I have a terrible sense of direction.
Mitchell : May I remind you that my big crime was making you fluffy pancakes, okay? I'm getting a little sick of you dwelling on this. It happens to be mother's day, not martyr's day.
Cameron : Mitchell. I'm sorry. It's just a sensitive issue for me.
Mitchell : Okay.
Cameron : There's nothing gays hate more than when people... Treat us like women.
Mitchell : ...treat us like women.
Cameron : We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell : Well, you love pink.
Cameron : No, pink loves me.
Mitchell : Okay.
Jen : Hey, guys!
Mitchell : Hey! So...
Cameron : That's Jen, husband Rick, baby Diego. I don't get it either.
Mitchell : Hey, Jen. Let me help you with that.
Jen : Oh.
Mitchell : Rick! How you doing?
Jen : We should do play group on weekends more often. It's nice to have the husbands around to help, right?
Cameron : Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense in the world... you as the husband.
Mitchell : Stop it. That's not what she meant.
Cameron : Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.
Mitchell : Okay, every once in a while you say that thing about the twig, and I need you to know that it bothers me.
Cameron : Sorry.
Rick : Okay, everybody, happy mother's day! I know I speak for all the guys when I say thank you for everything you do while we're off having affairs. I'm kidding. I'll pay for that later. Uh, let's get the moms and kids together for a picture!
Cameron : No, let's go. Let's get out of here. Leave the stroller and run.
Mitchell : Cam, stop. No one's going to ask you to...
Jen : Cameron, get on up here.
Cameron : I don't know. You guys just go ahead.
Jen : You're an honorary mom!
Cameron : Oh, I don't know. Uh, okay, all right. Unhand me.
Rick : Get over there. That's... that's... Okay, tighten up, tighten up. Up here, ladies! Beautiful. One more, gals. Oh, thanks, ladies. Thanks so much. Perfect.
Manny : Yeah, that was definitely poison oak. I think this rash is spreading.
Gloria : Manny, that's not a rash. It's red because you scratch it.
Manny : I just don't want my throat to close.
Luke : Wouldn't be the worst thing.
Haley : I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.
Alex : I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that flew in my mouth just to feel something.
Haley : I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.
Claire : Ugh! Okay! For the last 20 minutes, all you people have done is whine! You would think on mother's day, at least, you would have something nice to say...
Luke : Shh!
Claire : What?
Luke : Thought I heard a coyote. Go ahead.
Alex : God, Luke, you're such an idiot.
Luke : At least I don't look like an idiot.
Alex : What does that mean?
Haley : Your hat. It's like you walked under a bird that poops ugly hats.
Manny : Can we watch the language?
Haley : There's nothing else to watch.
Gloria : Enough complaining! You can't bitch all day because you're not at the beach all day. Come on.
Claire : No. No, no. I-I'm giving myself a mother's day present. Kids, your hike is over.
Kids : Yes! Yeah!
Claire : No! No, not happy. Bad. Sad. Mm. Gloria and I are gonna go finish this beautiful hike together while you sit here and think about how selfish and thoughtless you've been. Come on.
Alex : If we're thoughtless, how can we think?
Claire : You just lost your water. Let's go.
Jay : What the hell are those?
Phil : Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay : I was gonna suggest the same thing.
Phil : Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in this? We should add a da...
Jay : No. It's my mom's recipe. What it says on the page goes in the pot. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, how long do I stir the beef and sausages? Read it to me.
Phil : You should stir the beef and sausages for five minutes.
Jay : And how much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil : For as long as it's still funny.
Jay : I think the timer just went off on that.
Phil : That was unnecessary. What's this? What?! Hey, Jay, maybe after this, we should make "The perfect mom." All we need is "a tablespoon of love, 1 cup of warmth, add one heart, softened."
Jay : What the hell are you talking about?
Phil : This recipe for the perfect mom, by Jay Francis Pritchett, age nine.
Jay : Geez, I forgot all about that. I didn't know she had that in there.
Phil : What's that, Francis?
Jay : Nothing. How much longer on the meat?
Phil : Aw. I love the part about "serves one small boy." That's adorable. Wow. "175 pounds of tenderness." She must have loved that. Big woman? Jay?
Phil : And that's when I saw it.
Phil : Jay... Are... are you crying?
Jay : No! It's the onions, damn it. Give me these.
Phil : What are you lookin' at?
Jay : Nothing.
Phil : Those really frame your face.
Claire : Oh. Wow. Beautiful.
Gloria : Ay, thank you.
Claire : Okay, I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes, I want to punch my kids.
Gloria : You don't mean that.
Claire : No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today, they happened to be all lined up. And I couldn't help but think, "if I hit just one of them, the rest would go down like dominos."
Gloria : Eee.
Claire : I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...
Gloria : Oh, my God, you don't talk about your children this way.
Claire : Oh, come on. You know Manny irritates you.
Gloria : No. Manny is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have a special bond.
Claire : Yes, bonds. I know. But that's not what I'm talking about now.
Gloria : Claire, for a long time, it was only the two of us. I cannot say anything bad about that boy.
Claire : Give a break, Gloria! Anybody who's ever had a kid knows that they can irritate the freaking life out of you at some point. Am I right? Oh. Okay.
Gloria : He's persnickety.
Claire : What?
Gloria : Manny. He's persnickety. It drives me up the wall.
Claire : Okay, persnickety. Good start.
Gloria : He follows me around all the time. Sometimes I love it, but sometimes I need my own space.
Claire : This does not make you a bad mother to admit these things.
Gloria : And the poetry. It's not very good. Ah. First time that I say that out loud.
Claire : Okay.
Gloria : It's not very good!
Claire : Wow.
Gloria : I-I love Manny, but, you know, sometimes I... just be a boy! Go outside. Kick a ball. Steal something.
Claire : Oh.
Gloria : It feels so good!
Manny : Maybe to you.
Gloria : No, Manny! Ay! I was talking about another Manny that I know long time ago! Diablo! Manny!
Luke : You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire civil war?
Alex : Ok, what book did you read that in?
Luke : Book? Wake up and smell the Internet, grandma.
Haley : You know mom's just gonna want us to apologize.
Luke : Well, we did kind of ruin her mother's day.
Haley : No, she ruined her mother's day. She took us to a place she knew we wouldn't like. And then we complain for like a second, and we're the bad guys?
Alex : That's a good point. You ever get the feeling she does this intentionally?
Luke : Why would she do that?
Haley : So she can make us feel guilty.
Alex : Exactly. And the next time we're choosing what to do, she gets her way again. And the next time and the next time. And eventually, it's mother's day every day.
Luke : Wow. Mom's really smart.
Haley : Well, not smarter than me.
Alex : Well...
Haley : I say we don't apologize this time, let her know we're onto her little game.
Alex : We could change the way this whole family operates.
Haley : Okay, so nobody says they're sorry. Got it? Keep your mouths shut when she comes back.
Luke : If she comes back.
Phil : Jay teared up in front of me. He'd never shown me that kind of vulnerability, and it embarrassed him. I'd shamed the proud lion. Only thing to do... hug the proud lion. Oh, I could get bit. I could get scratched. But you know what's inside every lion? A pussycat.
Jay : I need you to get away from me.
Phil : Yep. Okay, I'm just gonna say this one time so we can move on. It's okay.
Jay : Gotcha.
Phil : You... you know what "it" is? It's you crying.
Jay : Which I didn't.
Phil : You teared up.
Jay : It was the onions.
Phil : Okay, okay. Maybe I'm... maybe I'm just putting myself in your place, but if I came across something from my childhood, and it reminded me of my mom, I might get a little misty, maybe even want to talk about it.
Jay : Here.
Phil : So proud.
Cameron : They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.
Mitchell : Which you accepted.
Cameron : Why can't you ever take my side? They think of me as a woman!
Mitchell : Cam, no, come on. We're just a new type of family, you know? They don't have the right vocabulary for us yet. They... they need one of us to be the mom.
Cameron : So why does it have to be me? Do I wear a dress?
Mitchell : Well...
Cameron : That's a nightshirt!
Mitchell : It's kind of satiny.
Cameron : What are you saying?
Mitchell : Come on, you know.
Cameron : No. No, no, no. I don't know.
Mitchell : All right, if... if I'm thinking about it, of the two of us, if... if I had to pick, I-I-I might say that you're slightly... mom-er.
Boy : Excuse me. Can you throw that ball?
Cameron : Can I throw a ball? You don't... you don't think I can throw a ball?
Mitchell : Cam. No, no, no. That's not what he said.
Cameron : No, apparently, this gentleman doesn't think I can throw a ball.
Mitchell : Oh, that's not what he said.
Cameron : You think I can't throw a ball? Well, let's find out! Ugh.
Mitchell : Oo God. He looks old.
Cameron : Oh, sorry!
Mitchell : Cam, hands.
Cameron : Sorry!
Mitchell : There you go.
Gloria : Please forgive me!
Manny : I don't think I can. Let's just get in the van. Oh. Sorry for the rhyme. I know how you "hate my poetry."
Gloria : Please, stop my suffering! Say something terrible about me so that we can be even like Steven.
Manny : Why would I say something terrible to someone I love?
Gloria : I curse my tongue!
Claire : I'm gonna intervene here. Manny, let's talk about what really happened, okay? Your mom said you should go out and throw a ball around. That can't be the first time you've heard that.
Manny : No. But there was some hurtful stuff said about my poetry.
Claire : Which your mom regrets.
Gloria : I do!
Claire : So? That's what parents are for. Sometimes they criticize because it helps make you stronger. Kids these days get... get trophies just for showing up. What's that gonna lead to? A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home. Manny, your mom loves you very much. But she's a human being. So she let off a little steam. Honestly, it's probably a great thing for your relationship.
Manny : I guess I can...
Gloria : Stop. He needs to know the real truth. Manny, Claire was feeling bad because she wants to hit her own children, so I tried to make her feel better by inventing terrible things about you.
Manny : You mean you don't have a problem with my poetry?
Gloria : No, the only problem that I have is that I never have enough of it. You're the perfect kid in every way. Ay, mi amor.
Claire : Wow. That's healthy.
Alex : Good. You're back.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Luke : Are we done?
Claire : Unless the you have something to say to the person who gave you life on her special day.
Haley : Nope.
Alex : I'm good.
Claire : My baby, Luke?
Luke : Uh... No.
Mitchell : Hey. Hey. Here.
Cameron : What's this?
Mitchell : Well, it's a mother's day card. And I know... Stop it! Okay. Cam, that was Gloria's card from Manny but I just wanted you to see was its definition for "mother" was on it. It's warm, nurturing, supportive. You know, maybe when the world sees you as a mom...
Cameron : Not just the world.
Mitchell : Fine. Fine. Me too. But maybe this is what we're seeing, and I don't know why that's such a bad thing. It certainly doesn't make you less of a man, right?
Cameron : Maybe you're right.
Mitchell : Yeah. Come on, let's join the party. And, Cam, put down the scotch. You're not fooling anyone.
Cameron : It is so burn-y. Oh, my God.
Jay : Come on, people! Everybody to the table!
Claire : It's just hard, you know? Having your mother's day ruined. I never thought it would be you, Lucas.
Alex : Don't even think about it.
Luke : But she's sad.
Haley : Sad she's losing. She just hit you with her best shot. We need to stay strong.
Luke : But I feel...
Haley : Don't feel! Just go splash water on your face and man up! We're your mother now.
Claire : How was your day with my dad?
Phil : Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little.
Claire : My dad?!
Phil : Shh!
Mitchell : Dad what?
Claire : He cried.
Phil : No, I didn't say he cried.
Cameron : Who cried?
Claire : My dad.
Phil : Stop!
Cameron : Why would you make Jay sob like that?
Phil : I didn't make him sob. He teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.
Gloria : What is "ohh"?
Mitchell : Phil saw dad cry.
Cameron : Jay misses his mama.
Phil : Everybody, stop!
Jay : Is anybody hungry? What?
Gloria : You cried for your mommy?
Jay : Oh, crap. I did not.
Gloria : Yes, Phil just told us...
Phil : No, that's not true. She's a liar.
Jay : What's wrong with you? Look, I know you would all be so happy if you thought I had some big emotional moment about my mom, but I didn't.
Manny : So you don't miss your mom?
Jay : Of course I do. She was a great lady. And she also left me a fantastic recipe for sauce, which now is getting cold. So can we please eat?
Phil : Hear, hear!
Jay : Just grab some wine.
Claire : Oh, my gosh, smell that. It smells like grandma's house.
Jay : Hey, you guys remember that?
Mitchell : I remember the first time I cut spaghetti. That's what she did! Eh-eh! Yeah, no, you can't cut spaghetti. She taught me to twirl.
Cameron : Oh, so she's the one.
Jay : Yeah, she was tough. I remember I had this little league coach. And one time after a game, he was laying into me about something. I don't remember. But mom comes charging out of the stands. She goes right up to the guy... I mean, face to face, nose to nose... and she says to him, "let me tell you something... nobody, and I mean nobody, yells at my little b... boy."
Gloria : Oh, my God! It's happening again!
Cameron : It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.
Jay : You only get one mom.
Haley : I'm sorry, mom!
Alex : Me too!
Phil : A bottle of red, a bottle of... what?!
Luke : Oh, yeah, and I'm the weak one.
Manny : All right. Mitchell?
Mitchell : Oh, I'm good.
Claire : Ohh. Phil!
Alex : Oh. Dad!
Claire : Come on, honey!
Phil : I'm sorry.
Haley : Ew, get off of me!
Phil : I'm sorry!
Lily : Dada!
Mitchell : Oh, I think she's calling you.
Cameron : Don't even try. I have that pottery class in the morning.
Gloria : Jay, let's go to bed.
Jay : Be right up. Son of a bitch.
