Mitchell : Oh, good. You're up. It is such a beautiful day. Let's go have brunch somewhere outside where I can wear my new sunglasses, huh? Ew, gross! What happened to you?
Cameron : I don't feel good. I'm hot. Now I'm cold.
Mitchell : Oh, no.
Cameron : And we have that concert tonight.
Mitchell : I know, but, honey, that's the furthest thing from my mind, okay?
Mitchell : Why me?! We had amazing seats for Lady Gaga, and he gets sick. I'd been looking forward to that concert for months. It's the one gay cliché I allow myself.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Claire : Okay that's it! No more fighting! No more fighting! for the rest of your lives, you are not allowed to yell at each other.
Alex : But you're allowed to yell at us?
Claire : Yes, Alex, I am, because I feed you and I clothe you and I pay the mortgage.
Phil : Pretty sure old dad deserves a shout-out right about now.
Claire : Phil!
Phil : Sorry. Should've taken the temperature of the room first. What's up?
Claire : Well, I'm dealing with a lot of high dr...
Haley: Luke and Manny barged into our room while we were changing, the little pervs!
Manny : Can I just say, in Europe this would be no big deal.
Luke : Yeah. You can see me in my underwear whenever you want. Here, I'll make it even.
Claire : No, hey, Luke, Luke, Luke!
Alex : Mom!
Claire : Luke, keep your pants on, okay?! And, girls, stop getting so hysterical over everything! Come on! Now, grow up a little! I need things to start changing around here, or I will change things, okay? There will be no more TV and no Internet and no whatever else I can think of. May I have a word with you, Phil?
Phil : I'd rather not.
Claire : What was that?
Phil : Nothing.
Claire : Phil, you sold me out behind my back.
Phil : No! It's just that sometimes you can get a little intense, and I feel like I need to swoop in to let the kids know they're still loved.
Claire : I could kick you.
Phil : Honey, these are just the parts that we're playing. Am I wrong, or has it been working? I feel like it's been working.
Claire : I'm tired of being the bad cop. You need to discipline them sometime and let me swoop in with all the love.
Phil : Shouldn't we just stick with the stuff we're good at?
Claire : Oh, my God! This bathroom is disgusting! The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time, Phil. You handle it.
Phil : I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards.
Claire : What was good about Luke's report card?
Phil : He didn't lose it.
Claire : Let me take them. Yes, let me take them. You stay here. Hound the girls about cleaning up this mess, and I will take Luke to do something fun.
Phil : But... I want to go go-karting.
Claire : Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. This is happening. Boys! Hey, guys, guess who's taking you go-karting today. Me.
Luke : Why? Are we in trouble?
Claire : No! You're not in trouble. Today's just all about having fun! And you know what? Go-karting's just the beginning.
Manny : What else are we doing?
Claire : Whatever you want.
Luke : I want to bring dad.
Claire : Well, tough. You can't. He's doing something else.
Haley : Goodbye. We will be back in a few hours.
Claire : Oh, whoa! Where you guys going?
Haley : I am taking Alex to the movies, and then I'm going to the mall.
Claire : How fun! That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Phil?
Phil : I'm not much of a shopper, but it would depend on...
Claire : clean bathroom.
Phil : Oh. Uh... Girls... How about you clean your bathroom before you go, huh? It'd really help your mom out.
Claire : Oh, no. It's not about what mom wants. You mom is cool, very cool with whatever. It's about what dad wants.
Phil : Dad wants to go go-karting.
Phil : I would really like it if you would clean your bathroom.
Alex : But my movie!
Haley : Why do we have to do it now?
Phil : Because Claire says so. Because I say so. And because I'm your dad. And I'm older than you, and I call the shots around here. Right?
Claire : Yes, you do.
Alex : This is so unfair!
Claire : Come on, guys, let's go have some fun!
Luke : Ow! You're hurting me.
Claire : Oh, you're fine!
Phil : Have fun, guys.
Claire : Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Phil : So... how does this usually start?
Guillermo : Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
Jay : How you doing, sport?
Jay : I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray looking for work, money, you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her.
Jay : Hey, a dog. That's new.
Guillermo : That was Mr. Pritchett.
Gloria : Oh, Jay, there you are. Come. I want to introduce you to Guillermo.
Jay : Just met him. Really hit it off. Honey, keep it under a hundred bucks, you don't even have to tell me. I'm going golfing.
Gloria : No, señor! He's a very nice man that works at the grocery store and needs a little bit of business advice.
Jay : Oh, why didn't you say so? I thought he was just some nut who lived behind the dry cleaner's.
Gloria : Oh, that's the guy we bought corrective shoes for last month. Jay, he knows how successful you are, and all he wants is an hour of your t... half-hour. 10 minutes. I promise him!
Jay : Honey, I love you, but why do you drag me into these things? You've got to learn to say no to people.
Gloria : Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now.
Jay : Other people.
Gloria : All I want is, when I go to bed at night, to be laying next to a man that is generous and giving. And that man doesn't necessarily need to be you.
Jay : Okay, let's do this.
Gloria : Okay. Guillermo!
Mitchell : Do you want me to move the waste basket closer to you?
Cameron : Oh, no. It's fine where it is.
Mitchell : Really? 'Cause the bed kind of looks like a rose parade float.
Cameron : Thank you for taking care of me.
Mitchell : Well, what else would I be doing?
Mitchell : Um, seeing Lady Gaga, that's what.
Mitchell : So, uh, Cam, you know, I hate to bring this up, but what are we gonna do about that concert?
Cameron : What do you mean?
Mitchell : Well, you know, we were both looking forward to going. You were looking forward to going. I was really looking forward to going. And I just... I-I hate to see those tickets go to waste.
Cameron : I know, I know.
Mitchell : But what are our options? We could both go to the concert. That's not gonna happen. Uh, well, we could sell the tickets online. Oh. But there's that Craigslist Killer. Oh, what to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? Other options, other options.
Cameron : Mitchell, are you hinting that you want to go to that concert without me?
Mitchell : No! No! Not in a million years! But that's very sweet of you to offer.
Cameron : I didn't offer.
Mitchell : Oh, really? 'Cause that just seems like something that you would say.. "You go, I'll be fine. You spent all the money on the tickets, and I'm just gonna lie in bed anyways." That's classic Cam.
Cameron : I'm just so weak.
Mitchell : Okay, good. You know what? It's settled. We're just gonna put this whole "you insisting I go to the concert without you" thing behind us.
Cameron : You know what?
Mitchell : What?
Cameron : Can I get one of my little pudding cups?
Mitchell : Yes, you can. Yes. You eat the pudding, and I'll eat the tickets.
Guillermo : Thank you for your time, Mr. Pritchett, but after you hearing my presentation, you will be thanking me.
Jay : Well, you've got confidence. I admire that.
Gloria : He admires that, Guillermo. You're doing great. Keep going.
Guillermo : Are you aware that last year, Americans spent $40 billion on dog training?
Jay : Well, that's not true.
Guillermo : I was surprised as you are.
Jay : No, you were surprised because it's not true.
Gloria : Shh! Go on, Guillermo.
Guillermo : What is this multibillion-dollar industry missing?
Jay : Multibillion dollars.
Guillermo : I have devised a revolutionary way to communicate...
Jay : Listen, I hate to interrupt your big pitch, but your dog is chewing my pillow.
Guillermo : This is fantastic.
Jay : It's not fantastic for my pillow.
Guillermo : It's a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate the Good Doggie Bad Doggie training system.
Gloria : We're in!
Jay : Wait, slow down. What are we gonna do about the pillow situation?
Guillermo : Watch, and be amazed. Stella here is being a bad doggie. Stella, let go. Bad dog, bad dog. Bad dog. And what does a bad dog get? A bad-doggie treat.
Jay : Wait a minute. You give her a treat for doing something bad?
Guillermo : Ah, a bad-doggie treat. When she is good, she gets the good-doggie treat.
Gloria : Brilliant! We're going to be rich!
Jay : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the difference between a bad-doggie treat and the good-doggie treat?
Guillermo : Bacon. The bad-doggie treat is very bland.
Jay : But she seems like she likes it.
Guillermo : Wait till you see the good-doggie treat. Stella, sit. Now a good-doggie treat. Okay, uh, she's still full from the bad-doggie treat. But there you have it... the Good Doggie Bad Doggie training system. Welcome to the ground floor.
Jay : Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor.
Gloria : Quick, quick, give he a bad-doggie treat!
Claire : Hello?
Mitchell : Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time?
Claire : No, I'm just in the car.
Mitchell : Okay, I'm having a moral dilemma. We have tickets for Lady Gaga tonight, but Cam's sick.
Claire : I'll take them.
Mitchell : Wait, you don't even like concerts.
Claire : Yes, I do. I'm fun now.
Manny : Claire, they said we have to be at least 13 to ride the fast ones.
Claire : They're 13. It's fine.
Luke : This is very confusing. At movie theaters, she says I'm 11.
Mitchell : Can we get back to me?
Claire : What?
Mitchell : Does it make me a horrible person that I kind of want to go without him?
Claire : Well, how sick is he?
Mitchell : I don't know. He's sick. You know, they're not gonna make a lifetime movie about him.
Claire : Well, what's he like when you're sick?
Mitchell : Cam, I think I can walk to the kitchen.
Mitchell : He's okay.
Claire : You should go. You know what I learned today? You can't wait around for somebody to give you something you want. Sometimes you just have to take it.
Mitchell : Oh, I'm gonna feel so guilty, though.
Claire : You'll resent him if you stay. So, how about this... you stay home and take care of him... soup, foot rubs, you blow his nose.
Mitchell : Ew.
Claire : He's so lucky to have you. And then tonight, right before the concert, you say, "Cam, I love you, but I really want to go." He'll say fine. You drop Lily off at our house, and it's great.
Voice : Drivers, start your engines.
Claire : I'm putting you on speaker.
Mitchell : What are you doing?
Claire : Making my kids love me!
Voice : Drivers, ready. Three, two, one!
Claire : You're going down, Delgado! Like this!
Luke : Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Phil : Hey!
Alex : We're finished cleaning the bathroom.
Haley : We're leaving.
Phil : See? That didn't take too long. Thank you, girls. Now, go and have a good time, all right?
Alex : Bye.
Phil : See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire... if you want intense family drama, rent "Spy Kids." They save their parents' lives. You think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time?
Phil : Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back h... Got to fix that step. Girls!
Alex : Did he just yell? Drive!
Haley : I'm trying!
Phil : You girls get back here right now!
Alex : Pretend you don't hear him.
Phil : I know you can hear me!
Alex : Oh, my God, he's heading straight for the car!
Haley : Oh, my God! Aah!
Phil : Stop this car!
Alex : We're sorry, dad!
Haley : We couldn't hear you!
Phil : No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!
Guillermo : In closing, the only real question is, after you invest in Good Doggie Bad Doggie, how will we spend all our money?
Gloria : In handbags! No, vacation! I know! A home gym!
Jay : All right, Guillermo, your ambition is infectious. Clearly my wife needs to be inoculated. But I'm gonna be blunt.
Gloria : Ay, no, no, you're not going to...
Jay : Yes, I am. Now, you wanted my honest business advice, right?
Guillermo : Very much.
Jay : Here it is. Your idea is not good.
Gloria : No, what Jay means is that when...
Jay : No, what I mean is it stinks. Now, that's nothing against you. You've got charm, you've got ambition, and that's great. What you need is a better idea.
Guillermo : But I don't have a better idea.
Jay : Any idea would be a better idea.
Guillermo : Your honesty is refreshing. Gracias.
Gloria : Ay, you made him cry.
Jay : He's not crying. You're not crying, are you?
Guillermo : No. A little. It's just five years of my life are for nothing.
Jay : Five? Five years?
Gloria : Ay, Guillermo, I'm sorry. Why don't you stay for lunch? And... and we can all brainstorm your next idea.
Guillermo : Really? Thank you, Gloria. I go put Stella in the car. I don't want her ruining any more of your beautiful things. Gracias. Bad dog.
Gloria : Why were you so tough with him? He's very sensitive.
Jay : Did you think that was a good idea?
Gloria : Of course not! But I'm nice, and I put on the sugar jacket.
Jay : Sugar coating is not gonna help him. He needed to hear what I said to him, even if it hurt a little bit. He's gonna thank me one day.
Gloria : Ay! Guillermo! Now I have to apologize.
Jay : Accepted.
Gloria : Not to you!
Claire : What are you gonna get, Luke?
Luke : I want a cheeseburger.
Claire : Yeah!
Luke : And I can't decide between French fries or onion rings.
Claire : Get them both! How about you, Manny?
Manny : Um, do you have a skinless grilled chicken breast?
Claire : What, are you going to the ball, Cinderella? Live a little.
Manny : I know Claire was trying to be fun, but that crossed the line.
Claire : Anything else? Who wants a milkshake? Milkshake? Milkshake? Three milkshakes.
Luke : I didn't really want a milkshake. But after what she said to Manny, I didn't want to risk it.
Luke : Mom, I don't feel good.
Claire : Did you finish your milkshake?
Luke : I think that was the problem.
Claire : Look who's a doctor now.
Manny : Maybe it was the pie.
Claire : Oh, he's fine. Hey. Hey, who likes roller coasters?
Luke : I need a bag.
Claire : No. No, you're not gonna be sick, Luke. We're having fun.
Luke : Okay. No, I really need a bag.
Claire : Take the lid off the cup.
Alex : I'm starving.
Haley : Me too. Say something.
Alex : Um, dad? We haven't had lunch yet.
Phil : Neither have half the kids in Africa. Stop yapping and get back to work.
Alex : Why is he taping our laptops shut?
Haley : Because he's out of his mind.
Phil : I'm not out of my mind! You took advantage, and you lost your computer privileges.
Haley : Oh, come on, dad. We said we're sorry. Plus I can't get the stupid drain unclogged, anyway.
Phil : Stick that hanger down there.
Haley : Ew, no!
Phil : Well, it's either that or we cut off all your hair, 'cause that's what caused the problem... thoughts? Good, because after you finish this room, you're gonna clean my bathroom, too, and you know how gross I can be.
Alex : Dad!
Haley : Ew ! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
Alex : Ew! Gross!
Phil : All right. Settle down. It's hair.
Haley : Oh, my God. I'm not cut out for this.
Mitchell : I spent all day nursing Cam.
Cameron : Ohh. Hey, could you do the right one now?
Mitchell : You mean the one we started with?
Cameron : Sure.
Mitchell : I made soup. I made tea. Finally, it was the moment of truth.
Mitchell : Cam, you know, I was thinking that... Cam, you can say no, but I was thinking about maybe going to that concert. Thank you. You're the best. I love you.
Jay : Hey, you're back. What happened with your friend?
Gloria : He's fine. You were right. He did appreciate your honesty.
Jay : How about that?
Gloria : He's gonna make big changes to his life.
Jay : Good.
Gloria : He's going back to school. That means he has to go back to live with his sister, so that means that he had to get rid of the dog. But he's so much more realistic now.
Jay : See that?
Gloria : Mm.
Jay : And there's a lesson in there for you, too, 'cause sometimes things go better when you just say no. No, no, no. What did you do?
Gloria : Ay! He was going to take her to the pound.
Jay : But that's his business.
Gloria : Ay, but look at her little face!
Jay : No. You don't even want a dog.
Gloria : I know. I have a problem.
Jay : Oh, crap, that's Manny. If he sees the dog, it's all over.
Gloria : I go lock the door.
Jay : Oh, and that's the solution? Manny sleeps in the backyard till the dog dies of old age?
Manny : Hey, guys. I'm home. Boy, I think Claire's working through some stuff, because... Oh, my gosh! You got me a dog because of my perfect report card?
Jay : Gloria?
Gloria : Sorry, papi, no.
Jay : The dog lives somewhere else, which is where she's going right now. Text me the address.
Gloria : Okay.
Manny : Can I at least take a moment with her to tell her goodbye?
Jay : Tell her goodbye? You just met her.
Gloria : I'm so sorry.
Claire : Luke, honey, come back. I said I was sorry.
Luke : I'm 12. I need limits!
Phil : What happened?
Claire : Oh, I made them drive too fast and eat like vikings, and then Luke threw up all over the car. I got to go clean that up.
Phil : No, you don't. Girls! Grab your buckets and meet me by the car!
Claire : They don't have to do that.
Phil : They do if I say so. I'm sorry. I swear I just told you to grab your buckets!
Alex : We haven't eaten all day.
Haley : We're hungry.
Phil : Well, you won't be in a minute.
Claire : Honey, you haven't fed them all day?
Phil : They're monsters, Claire... Deceitful, manipulative monsters... and they need to be broken.
Haley : He's crazy!
Luke : You know what?! Mom's the crazy one! She ran over my hand.
Claire : We were having fun! Girls, go to the kitchen. Get something to eat. Phil, honey, this isn't working. Listen to me. You are not a good bad cop, and I am a very bad good cop. We need things to go back to the way they were.
Phil : Yeah. Yeah. I feel really shaky.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : I don't like being you.
Claire : Nobody does.
Cameron : Going somewhere?
Mitchell : Cam! You're up.
Cameron : Didn't count on that, did you? Are you dropping Lily off at your sister's, or is she taking my ticket?
Mitchell : Okay, first of all, how are you standing? You drank enough of that cough syrup to put down a grizzly.
Cameron : I'll tell you what's grisly. That is your behavior. Well, it's just a good thing I'm finding out now, instead of when I'm old and sick and really need you. Better start saving for some sort of home-healthcare plan, 'cause I'd hate for my broken hip and subsequent pneumonia to interfere with your evening plans.
Mitchell : Okay, Cam, no, you're right. You're right. I have no defense. I am terrible. And the thing is, I knew I was terrible, and I was going anyway. I think maybe I tried to justify it by saying we're two different people. And you're more of a caregiver, and I have... other strengths. And that's what makes us such a good couple, you know? But... No, no. It's a cop-out. And I've been very selfish, and I need to do better, and I will. I swear on Lily's...diaper bag.
Jay : Ah, wow. Ah, no place to go but up, huh? Don't look at me like that. We all got problems. This ain't gonna work, sweetie. That look ain't gonna work on me. Come on. Come on. Let's go.
Gloria : I know it's old-fashioned, but I like a strong man, a man that can say no when I can't.
Jay : Not a word.
Manny : Ay, yes!
Gloria : But instead, I have Jay.
Jay : I'm strong. But look at this face.
Gloria : Maybe we are the way we are because of the people we're with. Or maybe we just pick the people we need. However it works, when you find each other, you should never let go. Do you two need some time alone?
Cameron : Oh. Well... I must've dozed off.
Mitchell : Yeah, you were out for quite a while.
Cameron : What have you been up to?
Mitchell : I've just been sitting here, watching you,
Cameron : Well I'm gonna go to bed.
Mitchell : Okay.
Cameron : Thanks for staying home with me.
Mitchell : Well, you know, in sickness and in health, right?
Cameron : You're still blinking, sweetie.
Mitchell : Oh, no. Oh, gosh. Well, this is... this is funny. I'm gonna tell you the funny thing about why this is, um... this is on.
