Jay : Want some coffee?
Manny : Say yes. It's French press. I was doubtful, too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.
Jay : I'm so happy you don't live in a tough neighborhood anymore.
Mitchell : We're so sorry for just dropping by like this.
Gloria : Are you kidding me? I'll take any chance to spend time with this little princess. I love her little hair, her little toes.
Cameron : And she loves her grandmother.
Gloria : I don't love "grandmother."
Mitchell : So, Cam and I have been revising our will to specify who should take care of Lily if, God forbid, something happened to us.
Cameron : God forbid.
Mitchell : I said "God for..." So, we've been dropping by unannounced to, you know, casually assess our candidates.
Cameron : Not all of our candidates.
Mitchell ! No, t... that's true. We did not drop by Missour-ah.
Cameron : It's "Missouri." No one from Missouri would say "Missour-ah."
Mitchell : I'm so sorr-ah. So, anyway, Claire and Phil were our first thought, so we dropped by their place last week.
Haley : You win the award for worst mother ever!
Claire : I will be sure to thank you in my speech! Phil, the frying pan's on fire!
Phil : Son of Jor-El! Everybody stay calm!
Luke : Dad, I'm gonna teach myself how to juggle.
Phil : Good for you, buddy.
Alex : Mom! No one heard me screaming?! I've been trapped in the garage for like 20 minutes!
Claire : And yet still you didn't get the rat traps I sent you for.
Alex : Oh!
Claire : Thank you. Honey, it's doing it again!
Phil : Come on, now! Every morning?!
Haley : I hope the whole house burns down!
Mitchell : Did we come at a bad time?
Claire : Come back in seven years and five months, when they're all gone!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : So, mama, you're good for coal?! Okay, okay! Well, you bundle up! We don't want to lose you! Okay. Yeah, bye! They're in the middle of a terrible blizzard.
Jay : So you shouted!
Manny : Did they really lose two cows?
Cameron : Oh, yeah, frozen solid. Mama's gonna send pictures.
Mitchell : Oh, yay, a reason to stop by the frame store.
Jay : Manny, I got to get you down to that sporting-goods place. Got to get him some stuff for his weekend outing.
Manny : Ready!
Jay : Did you pee?
Manny : Not ready.
Cameron : Jay, would you mind if we came?
Jay : Sure, why not?
Cameron : You know, I'd like to get mama some snowshoes... You know, to lift her spirits, what with all the frozen cows and all.
Mitchell : So, cows freeze now? Are we all just accepting that?
Cameron : Oh, yeah, absolutely. Jay, this one time...
Jay : We'll take two cars.
Gloria : If you want, I can stay with the little princess.
Mitchell : Oh, that... that's a great idea.
Cameron : Oh, yeah, I'll just... I'll just go out and get her bag.
Gloria : Maybe I can take her to the mall, buy her a new outfit, get her some hair rings... Is that okay?
Mitchell : Yes, yes, of course. Um, you know, Gloria, Cam and I were talking about what would happen to Lily if anything were ever to happen to us, and we were thinking...
Gloria : Oh, my God. ¡sí, sí, sí! I take her!
Mitchell : Okay, well, that's very sweet, but you realize it would only happen...
Gloria : I can't wait!
Mitchell : Okay, well, hopefully, it's a long shot.
Gloria : Ay, a little girl!
Mitchell : There would have to be a very tragic accident.
Gloria : I know, I know. Nothing is going to happen.
Mitchell : Oh.
Gloria : But if it did, we would be so happy! ¡Ay!
Phil : So, what do you say, pal? I got to swing by the office. You want to come along?
Claire : Can't. We got some stuff to do.
Phil : What?
Claire : Just errands.
Phil : Oh.
Claire : I'm taking Luke to see a child psychologist. This is something that Phil would never agree to. He's doesn't want Luke to feel... different. But Luke's grades aren't great, and he's having trouble concentrating in school. I just want to make sure that he's... normal.
Luke : Hey, mom, check it out.
Claire : What are you doing?
Luke : If I move my head fast enough, it looks like the can is standing still.
Claire : 'Cause sometimes I wonder.
Phil : But all the girls at work love it when I bring Luke by, especially that receptionist Heather, right, buddy?
Luke : She smells amazing.
Claire : Mm. Well, honey, you're gonna have to smell daddy's receptionist some other time.
Luke : Like peaches.
Claire : If you're both going out, who's taking me to cello?
Luke : One time, she gave me a Woody.
Claire : Sweet Je...
Luke : She remembered he's my favorite character from "Toy Story."
Claire : She did. Uh... Haley, how are you getting to the mall?
Haley : Uh, Gabby's picking me up.
Claire : Okay, you're gonna drop your sister off at her cello lesson first.
Haley : No way. She plays lacrosse and takes cello lessons. Even my reputation can't handle that dork hit.
Claire : Okay, well, then you don't need to go snowboarding with your friends on break.
Haley : Fine, I'll take her. Just never look my friends in the eye, and only speak in emergencies.
Alex : Got it.
Haley : Ah! Already failed.
Phil : Honey, after I go by the office, maybe we can grab some lunch.
Claire : Oh, I can't. I got to pick up all that stuff for the school trip. But you know what? I'll see you tonight at dad and Gloria's.
Phil : Okay.
Luke : Smell Heather for me.
Phil : I always do... not.
Dr. Klausner : Ms. Dunphy?
Claire : Hi, Dr. Klausner. I am so sorry we're late. We just got a little bit caught up in...
Dr. Klausner : Oh, no, it's okay. It's okay. It gave me a chance to chat with your husband.
Phil : Hello, Claire.
Dr. Klausner : So, Luke, come on in with me. Mom and dad, we'll let you know when we need you.
Phil : Go get 'em, pal.
Claire : How did you...
Phil : How did I what? Know you were someplace you left no trace of except for a tiny notation in your calendar? It was quite simple, really. I noticed a tiny nota... Shoot.
Alex : That's weird. My cello teacher's car's in here. I wonder if she's not home.
Haley : Okay, so go knock on the door, Alan Einstein.
Alex : Don't leave. And it's "Albert."
Haley : I know. Alan's his dorky brother who played the cello.
Alex : Good one.
Gabby : I should probably not be telling you this.
Haley : What?
Gabby : Nothing. It's really bad.
Haley : Tell me.
Gabby : When you and Dylan were broken up, Rachel told him you were a skank and got all up on him.
Haley : No! But she's so nice to me.
Gabby : To your face. That's how she plays.
Haley : Well, now she's gonna see how we play. What are we gonna do?
Alex : She's not there. You're just gonna have to take me home.
Haley : We don't have time. We have stuff to do.
Alex : Then I'm just gonna have to come with you.
Gabby : Can't we just drop her off at a coffee shop or something?
Haley : What, so she gets kidnapped and I get in trouble? No, thank you. Okay, fine, you can come with us, but you have to keep your mouth shut about anything you see.
Gabby : What's she gonna see?
Haley : Just drive!
Cameron : Ooh, maybe I should also get a gift for my aunt Pat. Have I ever told you about her? Total gun nut, lives completely off the grid.
Mitchell : Did you see how cute Gloria was with Lily?
Cameron : Oh, Pat is hilarious. I don't think she's paid taxes in 20 years, but very hospitable. Always has a deer in the freezer.
Mitchell : Would you listen to me? I think that Gloria and my dad could be Lily's guardians.
Cameron : Look, you know I love Jay, and they're still in the mix, but I just don't know about him raising a child.
Mitchell : Well, Cam, he raised me.
Cameron : Well, now you've put me in an awkward position. Oh, look at that. That's adorable.
Jay : Let's see if we can get you some snow pants.
Manny : I just wish I felt better. I think I'm coming down with flu-like symptoms.
Jay : Couple of hours before your camping trip, huh?
Manny : I want to go. It's just, if I'm sick, I might get the chaperones sick, and without chaperones, it's anarchy.
Jay : Manny, listen to me.
Manny : The buddy system falls apart, the principle of "last in, first out" is ignored.
Jay : It's butterflies.
Manny : Where?
Jay : You're just nervous because there's gonna be a lot of physical activity, which is not exactly your strong suit.
Manny : It is a little daunting out there.
Jay : D... don't use the word "daunting" in nature, okay? You just need a little self-confidence. Look at this. They got one of these rock walls here. Why don't you hop up on that?
Manny : Why?
Jay : Why? To prove that you can do it. If you can do that, you can do anything.
Manny : Really? Can I fly? Can I speak Chinese?
Jay : No, but you can sleep in the house tonight. Ace? Want to wire my boy up, here? Go ahead.
Claire : I'm sorry I went behind your back. But you get so defensive whenever we talk about Luke's issues.
Phil : He doesn't have issues. You're just a worrier. Like when you thought he was never gonna talk.
Claire : He was 2, and all he could do was bark!
Phil : I understood him.
Claire : Phil!
Phil : Look, he starts coming here, the other kids find out, he becomes a target, like that limping gazelle at the watering hole that the alligator knows to eat.
Claire : They're crocodiles, not alligators. There are no alligators in Africa.
Phil : How about at the zoo? Bam! Who needs a shrink now?
Dr. Klausner : Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy?
Claire : Yes? Hi.
Dr. Klausner : Luke, I'm gonna talk to your mom and dad for a minute, okay?
Luke : Okay. She's, like, the best doctor ever. A couple of puzzles, no shots. I didn't even have to take my pants off. Found that one out a little late.
Phil : I've been there, buddy.
Claire : Mwah!
Dr. Klausner : Well, Luke's a terrific kid. I have a few thoughts, but, honestly, I don't see anything that's cause for alarm.
Phil : Awesome. Thanks so much for your time.
Claire : We... we would love to hear your thoughts.
Dr. Klausner : Well... he's a bright and curious boy, but he gets distracted.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : Mm-hmm.
Dr. Klausner : I see it all the time with above-average kids.
Claire : Mm-hmm. Phil, honey, I want you to hear this.
Dr. Klausner : They're a little overstimulated because there are so many things they're interested in. They never seem to focus.
Claire : Makes me crazy.
Phil : Too crazy.
Dr. Klausner : Well, they usually do outgrow it.
Claire : What if they don't?
Dr. Klausner : He will. Well, there's... there's medication, but why don't we cross that bridge if we come to it?
Claire : Is there any way to avoid that bridge altogether? You know, maybe there's diet or... or focusing exercises or something?
Dr. Klausner : Mrs. Dunphy, what exactly are you worried about?
Phil : Get comfortable.
Claire : I'm worried he's turning into you, Phil.
Claire : I knew the minute I opened my mouth that I was in the wrong, but, honestly, sometimes I wonder about him.
Luke : Hey, mom, check it out.
Claire : What are you doing?
Luke : If I move my head fast enough, it looks like the can is standing still.
Phil : He's totally right!
Cameron : I just find it interesting that you blame Jay for everything from your night terrors to your shy bladder, and now he's the perfect guardian for Lily.
Mitchell : No, not perfect, and... and I never said anything about my shy bladder.
Cameron : O... oh. Then why did I have to stand guard outside the bathroom at Pepper's three faces of new year's Eve party?
Jay : Damn it, Manny! Move it! Go!
Manny : It's scary.
Jay : You're 2 feet off the ground. I've seen vines climb walls faster than that. Move your butt!
Cameron : Oh, well, there's your esteem-building parent right there. Wait, wait, I think I hear future Lily sending us a message from her stripper pole... "Thanks, gay dead dads. This dance is for you." Excuse me, Jay?
Manny : I'm getting down.
Jay : Not till you touch the top! What is it?
Cameron : Well, maybe if we didn't bully Manny so much, but, rather, showed him, he wouldn't be so afraid. Excuse me, sherpa, can you assist me with the harness?
Phil : Oh, no. Which one of these is my driving machine?
Claire : Phil, I already apologized. It just... it came out wrong.
Phil : Funny, I thought that was my problem... I came out wrong. Hold on. Oh, good, I can walk again.
Claire : Honey, you know, sometimes you can act a little bit...
Phil : Oh, no! Where did everyone go?! Oh, just a blink.
Claire : Phil, when you are ready to talk to me like an adult, why don't you let me know?
Phil : Fine. Okay, okay. The adults are the big ones, right?
Luke : Hey, how do you think that got up there? Uh-oh.
Cameron : Now, I know it seems daunting, Manny, but it's very simple. I'm securely hitched to a rope, which means I'm not going to fall.
Mitchell : You know, dad, you're really making my life difficult right now.
Jay : How?
Mitchell : By barking at Manny like a drill sergeant when I'm trying to convince Cam that you'd be a great guardian for Lily.
Jay : Guardian?
Mitchell : Yeah.
Jay : You're kidding.
Cameron : Aah! Jay!
Mitchell : Yeah, never mind.
Cameron : That really hurt!
Alex : This is a mistake.
Gabby : Why does she keep saying that?
Haley : Because they're the first words she ever heard.
Gabby : Here, you go first.
Haley : This will teach that skank a lesson.
Alex : Shaving cream in her locker?
Haley : Just stand over there and yell if someone's coming.
Alex : She might have homework assignments in there she hasn't handed in yet. Haley! Someone's coming!
Haley : Run! This way, this way!
Alex : Okay, okay, okay! Where are we?
Haley : Boys' locker room.
Alex : It smells like feet.
Haley : That's not feet. Okay.
Alex : I'm so scared.
Haley : Just go to your happy place.
Alex : We just broke into my happy place.
Guardian : Who's there?
Haley : Shh, shh, shh, shh! Go, go, run, run! Not so loud! Run! Run!
Mitchell : So, how you doing?
Cameron : Oh, not good. I'm just glad my clown training prepared me to take a fall like that.
Mitchell : Yeah, and in terms of talking about it, are we looking at weeks, months?
Cameron : Do not minimize it, you, who I had to rush to the emergency room that time you fell out of your clogs.
Jay : There's your bubbly water with lemon.
Cameron : Thank you, Jay.
Jay : How you doin'?
Cameron : Oh, it's hard to tell. You know, anytime you have a catastrophic injury to your lumbar area...
Jay : I could use a little piece of lumbar myself right now.
Cameron : Well, I hope you're comfortable now making my family Lily's guardians.
Gloria : ¡Hola, hola!
Mitchell : You're forgetting about Gloria. Even you have to admit how amazing she is with Lily.
Gloria : Mm! Look who's so pretty!
Cameron : Oh, my God!
Mitchell : Gloria, what did you do?
Gloria : What I told you.
Cameron : You pierced her ears?!
Gloria : What I said... I was going to make her pretty with earrings.
Mitchell : I thought you said "hair rings."
Gloria : What are hair rings?
Cameron : Yes, Mitchell, what are hair rings?
Mitchell : Something that you would tie your hair back... She said it!
Gloria : I didn't say "hair rings." I said "earrings." You don't like?
Cameron : Of course not. You punctured our daughter! Oh!
Gloria : But did you see both sides? I didn't just do the gay ear. Look.
Mitchell : Oh, my God.
Haley : I actually... I think we're good. Let's just wait in here for Gabby, okay?
Alex : Oh, my God! I can't believe we just did that. Can you believe we just did that?
Haley : Yeah, we had a lot of fun. Let's not geek it up.
Alex : Wait. What if I have a taste for it now? Am I gonna start doing stuff like that all the time?
Haley : Calm down. You just did one bad thing.
Alex : Two. I skipped my cello lesson today. That wasn't even where my teacher lives.
Haley : You ditched a class?
Alex : Well, I... I didn't have time to practice because of lacrosse and debate team and...
Haley : Do you even like playing the cello?
Alex : Yeah.
Haley : Alex?
Alex : I hate it.
Haley : So quit.
Alex : I've never quit anything.
Haley : You've never broke into a school before. Just did that.
Alex : No offense, but the family's hopes and dreams are kind of pinned on me.
Haley : I'm just saying that no one would blame you if you stopped being so perfect. It actually would take a lot of pressure off of me. I did something bad, too... Something that nobody knows.
Alex : What?
Haley : Come here. I can't say it too loud, okay?
Alex : What did you do?
Claire : Phil, I'm just not sure you understand why I said what I said.
Phil : There are qualities about me you wish you could change, but you can't 'cause I'm all grown up, but it's not too late for Luke.
Claire : Okay. Honey, there are a hundred things about Luke that he gets from you that I absolutely love. It's just this... this one tiny part that I'm sure if I could just get in there and just... ee!
Phil : Claire... he's a great kid. He's gonna be fine.
Claire : I know. I think I know. I feel terrible that we fought in front of him. Did he say anything about that on the drive here?
Phil : How would I know? He rode with you.
Claire : He didn't drive with me. He drove with you.
Cameron : Just admit it... you want Lily raised by anyone but my family.
Mitchell : It's just so far away from everything she knows. And then there's the crazy aunts and the frozen cows.
Cameron : Oh, please, in the last hour, your father publicly shamed Manny, dropped me from the sky, while his wife drilled holes in our baby's head. Oh!
Mitchell : Which is why I think we should revisit Claire and Phil.
Claire : Where are my keys?
Phil : We left Luke alone in a parking garage!
Mitchell : We don't know the whole story.
Cameron : Don't we?
Phil : Whose car are we taking?
Claire : Mine.
Phil : Then I'm driving!
Luke : Hey, mom.
Phil : Buddy!
Claire : Luke?
Phil : Buddy! Lukey?
Claire : Thank you so much. Honey, get out of there.
Phil : Thank you! I'm so sorry.
Claire : We are so sorry.
Phil : Oh, buddy, you must've been so scared.
Luke : No.
Claire : Oh, God.
Phil : Well, what happened?
Luke : Well, I knew you'd come back. Then you didn't. So I had to go find a phone. That's when I saw a stray dog and I played with him for a while. Then I thought I saw Mrs. Morgan, my first-grade teacher, going into a church. It wasn't her, but there was a wedding there. That's where I met the Litvaks.
Phil : Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. Congratul... tov. Mwah!
Claire : Oh, baby.
Luke : Can I go get a drink?
Claire : Yes, you can.
Phil : Yes, you can! You can drink whatever you want! Of course you can. There's tons of soda in there. Ohh!
Claire : What an amazing kid! I can't believe I ever worried about him out in the world. That's what I do, though, isn't it? I worry. I worry... I think about a tiny, little thing, and then I obsess on it, until, suddenly, it's the only thing I can think about. God, please don't let me screw up our son.
Phil : Hey, hey. You know why else he's gonna be okay?
Claire : No.
Phil : Because somewhere out there is a worried little girl who's making lists and labeling bins, and he's gonna find her.
Manny : Cam? I know you're kind of down on Jay being Lily's guardian.
Cameron : Now, that's not anything you need to worry about, Manny.
Manny : I just think you're being too hard on him. We had a little chat in the car.
Manny : I'm sorry I let you down, Jay. I'm starting to think if I couldn't even get up that wall, then why am I even going on this...
Jay : Knock it off, Manny. We both know you could get up that wall. Now, why are you trying to get out of this trip?
Manny : I'm not. I'm excited to go...
Jay : Manny...
Manny : Okay. I have some concerns about the shower situation.
Jay : Oh. Because?
Manny : Well, I'm pretty much at my target weight.
Jay : That's good.
Manny : But the thing is, I haven't quite reached my target height.
Jay : All right, first of all, you don't have to go. I'll write you a note. We'll plan on doing something fun this weekend.
Manny : Really?
Jay : You bet.
Manny : And you're not mad at me?
Jay : Look, if you were a different kid, I'd give you the speech... You know, "we all have insecurities. You've got to be brave here." But let's face it... you're already about the bravest kid I know.
Manny : I am?
Jay : Come on. You wear blazers to school. You play the pan flute. You... you read poetry to girls. I couldn't even talk to girls when I was your age. The shower thing's nothing compared to all that. So, whatever you decide, I'm behind you. No, I got that set up just right. I told you about that before.
Cameron : Jay said that?
Manny : Yeah, and he wasn't drinking or anything.
Cameron : So, what are you gonna do?
Manny : I think I'm gonna go. I mean, if Reuben can go with that extra nipple...
Cameron : I'm proud of you, Manny. You're doing the right thing, trust me.
Mitchell : I mean, what were you thinking, Gloria?
Gloria : Ay, Mitch, I said I was sorry. But I had them since I was 2... huge ones.
Phil : What is she...
Claire : Earrings, Phil. Earrings.
Jay : Mitch, I just wanted to tell you how really touched I was you'd want me to be Lily's guardian.
Mitchell : Oh, you're welcome. And you're out.
Cameron : Excuse me. I have a very important announcement to make.
Phil : Oh. Sorry. Sorry, so rude. Totally inexcusable. Yello!
Cameron : Mitchell and I have decided that if, God forbid, anything should happen to us...
Mitchell : You don't have to do this right now.
Cameron : No. We would like to Jay and Gloria to be Lily's guardians.
Mitchell : Cam?
Cameron : It's the right decision.
Gloria : That is great news! Lily, when something horrible happens, you're going to be all mine!
Mitchell : It really is an "if" situation.
Gloria : All mine!
Claire : I don't mean to ruin this really beautiful moment, but were Phil and I even considered for the position?
Phil : Claire?
Claire : I mean, we are the parents of three healthy, well-adjusted children who...
Phil : Honey, we need to go down to the police station. Our daughters just vandalized the school.
Claire : This is not over.
Gloria : Let's go see your new room, Liliana.
Mitchell : No, that's not her name.
Mitchell : Hey.
Cameron : Oh, hey, what are you doing home?
Mitchell : Oh, I bailed on yoga.
Cameron : Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, could you go to the mailbox and get me...
Mitchell : No, why can't I just come in?
Cameron : You can. I just...
Mitchell : Cameron?
Cameron : What?
Mitchell : Look at me.
Cameron : I am.
Mitchell : What did you do?
Cameron : I am home alone for a lot of hours.
Mitchell : Carmen Miranda?
Cameron : I just wanted a couple before the holes closed up.
Mitchell : Oh, Cameron. Oh. All right, just get one with me really quick.
Cameron : Okay. All right. Hey! One for daddy! Whoo!
