Phil : Howdeedo! What's up?
Claire : Guess who's here? Your dad! He drove his RV all the way from Cocoa Beach.
Frank : Hey, son. Working hard? He's gonna say, "hardly working."
Phil : I meant to tell you he was driving out.
Frank : Did he say it?
Claire : Oh, yeah!
Frank : Good kid!
Phil : He wasn't supposed to show up for a few more days.
Claire : Well, guess what he brought us. A dog...To keep.
Phil : : Yes! Yes. Yes, I should have told Claire about the dog. And I was going to. But I-I was just waiting for her to be in the right mood. Actually, I did get one "right mood" a couple nights ago, but...I cashed that in for something else.
Phil : Am I in trouble?
Claire : Oh, really, really big.
Phil : Okay, I'm a little scared. How bad is this?
Claire : Oh, well... We have a new rule... no sleeping in the bedroom.
Ben : Mr. Pritchett? Ben. Ben Dugan. I went to High School with Mitch. We were in the drama club together.
Jay : That's right. Yeah. Geez, I didn't recognize you without that old-guy makeup on. You know, you and Mitch knocked "the sunshine boys" out of the park.
Ben : Mitch was really great in that. I always thought he should be an actor.
Jay : Eh, he's got a real job now. He's a lawyer.
Ben : Ah.
Jay : How about you?
Ben : Still acting.
Jay : Fantastic.
Ben : Actually, it's exciting. I'm in a new movie... "Maple drive"... just came out.
Jay : You're kidding me. Look at me... I know somebody famous.
Ben : Uh, anyway, I got to go. Great to see you.
Jay : Good to see you, too. Yeah. Kid's a movie star. Hey, how'd it go in there?
Many : No cavities, and I got a free toothbrush.
Jay : Hey, you want to go to the movies? I just heard about a good one.
Manny : But I'm supposed to be in school.
Jay : You're supposed to floss, too, but you got away with that one. Come on. Let's go.
Jay : One of the greatest days of my life was when my old man sprung me from school and took me to the track. I wanted to do the same type of thing for Manny. Plus, I figured when Gloria heard about it, maybe it pays off in the bedroom. I wonder if that's why my old man did it. Oh, crap.
Frank : Your mother-in-law just had to have the dog. Turns out she's allergic.
Claire : And the pet store didn't have a grace period or a return policy or anything?
Frank : I got him from the pound.
Phil : Was there a twister in Kansas? 'Cause there's a house in my driveway.
Frank : Welcome home, Mr. Dunphy.
Phil : Always a pleasure, Mr. Dunphy.
Frank : Indeed it is, Mr. Dunphy. Place it there.
Phil : Ah, I shall, I shall.
Frank : I miss this. Get in here!
Phil : My dad is awesome. He's awesome. He's always up. He's always happy. I mean, he and I are best buds. We're like two peas in a pod or Siamese twins or a snake with two heads.
Claire : They've actually been all those things for Halloween.
Phil : Yeah.
Phil : Hey, this must be Scout, huh?
Frank : I should warn you... he sheds. I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it. pardon the language.
Phil : How's mom?
Frank : Speaking of big feet, eh? She is on a cruise with her girlfriends, some of which are not totally unattractive. Mm. Uh, that reminds me... she sent some gifts for the kids. Um, I will be right back. You three get better acquainted.
Phil : Will do.
Claire : Fun.
Phil : Will do.
Claire : I cannot believe you got a dog without consulting me. This was a major family decision.
Phil : It was wrong.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : And I'm sorry.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : But we have talked about getting a dog for years, and you're the only one who wasn't into it.
Claire : Because I knew that I would be the one taking care of it.
Phil : That's not true.
Claire : Oh.
Phil : No, we will all help.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : This is a great chance to teach the kids responsibility.
Claire : That is exactly what you said about Luke's paper route.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Woman : Hello? Is anyone in there?
Ben : Red's a good color on you.
Woman : Aah!
Jay : It's just a movie.
Haley : Oh, he's so cute!
Alex : Look at his little face.
Luke : I always wanted a dog. Thanks, grandpa.
Claire : Okay, but remember, having a dog is a major responsibility. Everyone in the family has to pitch in.
Dylan : Can do, Mrs. D.
Claire : Not you, Dylan.
Dylan : Oh, phew. 'Cause I got a lot on my plate right now.
Phil : Hey, look who's here. Uncle Cam.
Cameron: Hey, we heard about the new addition, And we had to come right over!
Frank : Cameron, so good to see you again. Now, that is a shirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, Frank. I get them online. I'll send you a link.
Frank : Oh, well, at home, I smoke sausages. I'll send you a link.
Phil : classic.
Frank : And this must be Lily.
Cameron: Oh, yes. She just couldn't wait to meet the new doggy. I think she's good right here. Let me get in there and get some of that dogginess. Oh, there it is.
Dylan : Haley, I got to go.
Haley : What's wrong?
Dylan : That was Brian. He just quit the band.
Haley : What? Why?
Dylan : He's moving to Portland. His parents got back together.
Haley : Oh, that sucks.
Dylan : I know. Now we're gonna have to cancel the gig tomorrow.
Haley : Maybe you can find another drummer.
Dylan : No, I think it's too late for that now.
Cameron: I play drums.
Dylan : Huh?
Cameron: Well, I mean, I haven't played in a while since Lily's come along, But if you're in a jam... I can jam.
Dylan : Well, you know, I totally would, But I'm not sure we like the same sorts of music, you know?
Cameron: Oh, what, because I'm gay I'm just gonna want to play show tunes?
Dylan : No, because you're old.
Cameron: Wow, that hurt more, Dylan.
Haley : Give him a chance. It's better than canceling.
Dylan : You're right. Don't want to lose the deposit on that fog machine. Okay, let's do it.
Cameron: I used to be a music teacher, But I gave that up as soon as Lily came along.
Mitchell : Yes, well, we just felt that it was really important that one of us stayed home to raise her, so...
Cameron: Yeah, and that's not a judgment on other people's choices. It's just that we happen to be a very traditional family.
Mitchell : Yes, that's what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lily's room said, too.
Jay : How you doing, buddy? All right, relax.
Claire : I'm telling you Phil, the man was crying.
Phil : That is impossible. My dad is the happiest guy on earth. It probably just sounded like he was crying. Have you heard the noises he makes when he gets out of a chair?
Claire ; No, I know what I heard. I think this has something to do with your mom.
Phil : What?
Claire : Yeah, he came here alone. Think about it.
Phil : She's on a cruise.
Claire : Yeah, and they never take separate vacations, so...
Phil : No. No, if something was wrong, my dad would tell me about it.
Claire : No, Phil, he wouldn't, because you guys never actually talk about anything.
Phil : We talk all the time. He crank-calls me at work like three times a week.
Claire : Crank calls don't count.
Phil : It counts for fun.
Claire : No, honestly, I think that you should find out what's going on with your dad.
Phil : It's going to be nothing. My dad isn't like your dad. There's nothing deep and dark inside. His hard candy Shell is just...Hiding more candy.
Alex : I think he wants to go out. Go boy.
Phil : Smart dog.
Claire : I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that.
Luke : I'm gonna play outside. Ow! What happened?
Cameron: Okay, should I just play a little something?
Dylan : Yeah, but, you know, if it doesn't work out, Don't feel bad.
Cameron: Well, hopefully this is... this is like riding a bicycle and will all come back to me. That's the loud one. So...Here we go. Hm.... Oh, silly me. I had the sticks in the wrong hands.
Dylan : Wow.
Neal : Dude, you should label those sticks.
Manny : Is that the alarm? Has our perimeter been breached?
Jay : It's not the alarm. The doorbell won't stop ringing.
Manny : Maybe a demon is ringing it.
Jay : Not a demon.
Gloria : Ay! Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Manny : We're pretty sure it's a demon.
Jay : Oh, yeah? There. If it were a demon, it would keep on ringing.
Manny : Not if he's already inside. I'm getting a weapon.
Gloria : What were you thinking? Who takes a little boy to a horror movie? That's loco, Jay.
Jay ; This is no big deal. You want scary? When I was his age, I lived through the Cuban missile crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some soviet colonel.
Gloria : Why would they send a soviet colonel to get a little boy?
Jay : Because I could identify every commie plane.
Gloria : What are we talking about?
Jay : Look, all I'm saying, being scared is part of growing up. Manny will get over this. It builds character.
Manny : I'll take the first watch. You two might as well get some rest. It's gonna be a long night.
Gloria : Character.
Phil : Dad?
Frank : Come on in. It's open.
Phil : Hey.
Frank : Don't tell me... you need a cup of sugar.
Phil : Nah, just, uh... I was just wondering, I don't know, uh... anything on the old noodle?
Frank : Other than a bad toupee? I'm kidding, of course. This is my real hair.
Phil : Well, okay.
Frank : Wait a minute. I want task you something. Am I'm putting you in a bad position with this whole dog thing? Claire seemed a little...Put out.
Phil : Oh, don't worry about it. Claire didn't like me at first, either.
Frank : I can't blame her. Dismissed.
Phil : Oh, dad, um, you know what? I, uh... Claire saw something, and she'd kill me if I... if I didn't ask.
Frank : What is it?
Phil : Would you wear pants to breakfast, for crying out loud?
Frank : You got me again. Right in the funny bone.
Phil : All right.
Claire : Come on, Scout. Let go of it. No, no, no! Ugh! Dog. Look at this!
Phil : How did he get a hold of your bra?
Claire : Well, uh, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so... how do you think? He got it out of the laundry basket. I can't take my eyes off that dog for a second.
Phil : Why don't you just keep him in the crate?
Claire : I tried that. He figured out how to get out. I thought you were dealing with your dad.
Phil : Oh, yeah. I did. He's fine, so...
Claire : Whoa, you got that from a two-minute conversation?
Phil : I asked him point-blank if he was okay. He said he was, so I just... just swapped some jokes and moved on.
Claire : Phil, the man needs more of a push than that.
Phil : Look, if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. Geez, someone's panties are in a bunch.
Claire : I thought I was showing concern and...
Phil : No, right there.
Claire : Oh, my God. That damn dog.
Luke : Guys, a little help. I have to go to the bathroom, And I'm not gonna do it in here.
Mitchell : Hey, I got Chinese.
Craig : Sweet. I'm starving.
Mitchell : Oh, we have guests.
Cameron: Yeah, hey. We were just having a little jam session. You know Dylan. This is Craig. This is Neal.
Mitchell : I'll always remember him as the stranger holding my baby. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?
Cameron: Uh, yeah. Uh, hey, guys, let's... let's just take five.
Mitchell : what's up with you and Jump street?
Cameron: Oh. Oh, well, their drummer quit, And I'm gonna fill in for him tomorrow night.
Mitchell : No, no. We have Pepper's après-ski fondue party tomorrow night, Cam.
Cameron: Oh, no.
Mitchell : So you'll just have to tell your band that they're gonna have to find someone else.
Cameron: You know what? No, I'm not gonna let these fellas down. I made a commitment.
Mitchell : You made two commitments, okay? And you know how Pepper is. Everything has to be perfect. He gets mad if you don't wear a big sweater.
Cameron: Yeah, I remember. I got so hot last year, I almost went facedown in the Gruyère.
Mitchell : So I'm going by myself. Is that what you're saying?
Cameron: I just feel like I kind of need this.
Mitchell : To round out your college applications?
Cameron: It's just that because I'm always home with Lily, I just feel like I'm going a little bit stir crazy. Look at the den. Every time I finish painting it, I start all over again. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm gonna go back to jamming.
Manny : Aah!
Jay : Yeah, we got to fix this.
Jay : Hey, what's with the big sweater at a concert? Is that a gay thing?
Mitchell : No, dad, it's for my friend pepper's après-ski fondue... Yeah, yeah, it's a gay thing.
Claire : I hope they start soon. I don't think Scout likes to be left alone.
Phil : You love the dog.
Claire : No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch, and the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.
Frank : Good news, you two. You're getting your driveway back. I'm hitting the open road in the morning.
Claire : Oh, already?
Frank : Yeah.
Phil : Anxious to get home and see mom, huh?
Frank : No, I'm just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me, which is usually into the next lane.
Alex : Can we get some sodas, grandpa?
Frank : Okay, but just one. I'm driving. Come on.
Phil : He's not going home? He's never been away from my mom for longer than a doctor's appointment.
Claire : Honey, I know. I told you.
Phil : I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers. It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.
Dylan : Hey, thanks, everybody, for coming out. These are some songs we wrote. 1, 2! 1, 2, 3!
♪ baby, don't leave me ♪
♪ I just, I want you to know ♪
♪ I want you to know ♪
♪ there's something inside me that I cannot control ♪
♪ I cannot control ♪
Haley : Our boyfriends totally rock!
Mitchell : I know, right?!
Mitchell : Well, the plan was to watch him for 10 minutes and then run out to Pepper's party.
♪ ...My veins ♪
♪ my blood runs... ♪
Mitchell : But he was so great up there, how… how could I leave?
♪ but don't be afraid ♪
♪ I'll be your vampire ♪
Mitchell : It was his moment.
Dylan : Come on!
Mitchell : Wow!
Haley : I know!
Mitchell : And his moment went on for a really... really long time. Turns out, I could have run to the party and made it back for the end... of his moment.
Gloria : Manny, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed, okay?
Jay : Your bed.
Manny : Can I watch TV?
Gloria : Only 10 minutes.
Manny : Okay.
Ben : Hey, Jay, it's Ben Dugan. I got your message. Uh, yes, I'm happy to help out. I'll swing by tonight.
Gloria : What's that?
Jay : That's Ben. That's the guy who was in the movie. I figured when Manny sees him, sees how nice he is. He'll realize it's all pretend.
Gloria : You think that will work?
Jay : That guy's a sweetheart. Manny's gonna spend two minutes with him. He'll explain how the movie's made. He's even bringing his fake machete. Thing's made of rubber.
Ben : Hey, are you Manny? I'm here for you! Look what I got.
Manny : Aah! Mom, he's here!
Gloria : Que pasó?! Que pasó?! Que pasó?! Ay! We're gonna need a bigger bed.
Jay : Oh, geez.
Mitchell : Oh, my God. I think that's him.
Cameron: Hey! You stayed.
Mitchell : Yeah. Well, you know, I'm... I'm with the band.
Cameron: I thought the gig was a little sloppy in spots, but I think once I learn all the songs...
Mitchell : I thought... I thought this was a one-time thing.
Cameron: Are you kidding? We destroyed in there. Did you hear that one lady screaming my name?
Mitchell : That was Phil. He had a red bull.
Cameron: Hey, guys, good gig, huh?
Dylan : Yeah, totally awesome.
Cameron: Heck of a gig.
Brian : Hey, guys.
Dylan : Hey. I thought you were in Portland.
Brian : No, my parents broke up again. I'm not moving. I can stay in the band.
Cameron: Well, this... this is awkward.
Dylan : Uh...
Mitchell : Cam.
Cameron: Oh, a-awkward for me. Good luck following that, Ringo.
Frank : I believe this belongs to you. I don't want to drag the house along with me. Come here, you little monkeys.
Haley : Bye, grandpa, we'll miss you.
Frank : I wish I could take you with me.
Alex : Yeah, drive safe, grandpa.
Frank : I'll try.
Claire : You sure you don't want to stay for breakfast?
Frank : No, I ought to be hitting the road. Whelp...Adiós.
Phil : Dad, hold on.
Frank : Hmm?
Phil : Can I talk to you for a second?
Frank : Sure.
Claire : Guys.
Phil : I don't think you're being honest with me. I-I know something is going on with you. What's up?
Frank : Something up? Well, my boxers are, uh, riding a little high.
Phil : I'm not in the mood for jokes right now, Although you nailed that.
Frank : Thanks. Thanks.
Phil : Great stuff.
Frank : Thanks. It's nothing.
Phil : Oh, it's nothing? Nothing to do with mom?
Frank : No! Well...Yeah. I've fallen in love.
Phil : Oh, my God! Who is she?
Frank : He.
Phil : What?
Frank : It's that little guy right over there. Come on over here. Come on. Come on. There you go. Oh, look at him. Driving across country, this little bastard nuzzled his way right into my heart. Didn't you?
Phil : So, this is just about you not wanting to leave the dog? Well, you should tell mom.
Frank : Those three days on the road with him were the happiest of my life.
Phil : You should leave that part out.
Luke : I don't want to keep Scout if it makes grandpa sad.
Claire : Yeah, I know, sweetie, but grandma has allergies, so Scout has to stay with us.
Phil : Well, she could always just get some allergy shots.
Claire : Honey, you don't want to put her through that.
Frank : Well, hell, back in the day, I got a vasectomy for her.
Phil : Dad, dad, please. Scout's... Scout's your dog. He should go with you.
Frank : Okay, you twisted my arm. Thanks, son. Thanks for poking through the armor.
Phil : You're poking through the armor down there.
Frank : What?
Phil : Made you look.
Frank : You are a treasure. Come on, Scout. Let's mosey.
Claire : Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait. He loves that.
Frank : Oh, I bet he does.
Frank : No, scout. This time, I drive.
Phil : You still got it!
Phil : I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I might have actually gotten even closer with my dad.
Claire : I can't believe he took my dog.
Phil : Bye, pop!
Kids : Bye, grandpa!
Phil : Love you! Bye, dad.
Luke : Bye, grandpa! I love you!
Phil : Luke, stay! Luke, stay!
Luke : Come back soon! I'll see you later!
Phil : Luke, stay!
Claire : Luke!
Phil : Stay!
Jay : Frank.
Frank : Hey, Jay! Good to see you.
Jay : Great to see you. Didn't expect to find you here.
Frank : Well, listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.
Jay : I don't think you met my wife, Gloria.
Gloria : Hola.
Frank : Well, it's a pleasure. You are a lovely woman.
Gloria : You must be Frank.
Frank : Okay, then. You are hotter than a Las Vegas sidewalk on the 4th of July. Did I go too far?
Jay : Not you, Frank. No.
