Jay : Oh, I forgot to ask, did it hurt?
Gloria : What hurt?
Jay : When you fell and landed on earth.
Gloria : Fall from... Oh. Because I'm an angel! Why are you so sweet?
Jay : Maybe just 'cause I'm so damn happy.
Gloria : Today is Jay's birthday. So I'm taking him to Hawaii for a whole week.
Jay : Big suite in Maui, just the two of us. Got Manny tied up in the backyard... big bowl of kibble. I'm kidding. He's staying with Claire and Phil.
Gloria : This whole thing was a big surprise. I did it all myself... The flight, the hotels. Cost me a fortune, but it was worth it.
Jay : Cost me a fortune.
Jay : In case I forget to say it a few hundred times this week, thank you.
Everybody : Happy Birthday!
Jay : What the heck?!
Claire : Mwah! Surprise, dad.
Gloria : The whole family is coming with us!
Alex : Uh-huh.
Jay : They are?!
Alex : Uh-huh.
Gloria : Yes, and Mitch and Cameron and Lily, too.
Claire : Yeah, and Phil... he's just checking the bags.
Jay : Wow. That's... wow!
Claire : Well, it was all Gloria's idea. She bought all of our tickets and everything.
Jay : Really?
Claire : Yeah.
Jay : Everyone's?
Gloria : It's your birthday. I didn't spare any expense.
Jay : Oh, gee. Thank you, honey. Are they, uh, all gonna be up with us in first class?
Gloria : Ay, no, silly goat. You think I'm made of money? Hmm!
Jay : Of course not.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Gloria : We're gonna go to a Maui, swim with the Miami dolphins, take a tour in one of those... the tkkita-tkkita-tkkita-tkkita-tee-tee!
Jay : Helicopter. Helicopter.
Gloria : Mm-hmm. Yes!
Jay : I don't like activities. I wanted to hang out with Gloria and read my Robert Ludlum novels. I got eight of them loaded up on my book-reader thing here. I mean, I love my family. I love 'em at dinners, I love 'em at barbecues, But do I have to love 'em in Hawaii?
Phil : Thanks, Daryl. I know I got a lot of baggage, but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist. Just kidding, I'm fine. Hey! Daryl, I know these guys. Can I borrow your hat? This will be hilarious.
Daryl : No.
Phil : Okay.
Mitchell : Aloha, Uncle Phil!
Phil : Hey. Hey! You guys excited about the trip?
Cameron : Oh, we're so excited. You know, this is my first time.
Phil : Really?
Cameron : Yeah, I know, it's surprising. People always say I scream "Hawaii."
Mitchell : Who says that?
Cameron : People.
Mitchell : What people?
Cameron : You don't know them.
Phil : Hey, Lily. Hi!
Mitchell : Oh, no. Oh, n... I forgot my wallet!
Cameron : Oh, that's all right. I have cash.
Mitchell : No, no, I can't get on the plane without my I.D. Thanks a lot, Cam.
Cameron : How is this my fault? Because if you had done what I asked you to do this morning, then I wouldn't have been overwhelmed and I would have remembered my wallet!
Mitchell : All right, we still need to pack Lily's toys, Print the boarding passes... oh Stop the newspaper. Hey, no, wait. What are you doing? I just packed those.
Cameron : Oh, she just looks so cute in this outfit. I want her looking her best for Jasper.
Mitchell : Nothing you just said made any sense to me.
Cameron : Jasper and his mother are coming over for a playdate. We scheduled it weeks ago.
Mitchell : We're about to leave for the airport!
Cameron : Not for an hour, And this is the only time Jasper could do it.
Mitchell : Really? How full is Jasper's calendar?
Cameron : This is a coup. When you get in with Jasper, doors open. He's a legacy at happy time preschool.
Mitchell : We're kissing up to a 10-month old?
Cameron : I just want him to like us. Okay, that's them.
Mitchell : All right, but just in and out. You know, we still have a million things to do.
Cameron : Would you relax? You always worry. It always gets done. Oh, and we're methodists. So...
Mitchell : Ah. Who am I kidding? I-I'm not making this flight.
Phil : Unh-unh. I can get you home and back before the plane takes off. Let's go! Daryl, see if you can stall the plane. That's... I will get you later.
Mitchell : I really... I really don't think there's enough time.
Cameron : No, just... I'll meet you at the gate. Go!
Mitchell : Okay, but you won't get on the plane without me, right?
Cameron : Oh. Well...
Mitchell : Seriously? You were gonna get on the plane?! Cam!
Cameron : Just go!
Phil : Nope. Gotta get that one. Door. Okay. I can't... ohh.
Mitchell : All right. Just drive! Just drive! Just drive! I'll get the luggage!
Haley : Hey, check out that cute guy.
Alex : He's out of your league. He's reading a book.
Haley : I know.
Cameron : Here today, gone to Maui!
Claire : Hey. Have you seen Phil?
Cameron : Oh, he drove Mitchell back to get his wallet.
Claire : What?
Cameron : Yeah, he said he's gonna make it back in time, but I think it's gonna be close.
Claire : So he left me here.
Claire : Haley is still asleep! And I have no idea where Luke is. And are you even ready?
Phil : My bag's in the living room. Everything's gonna be okay.
Claire : Okay, fine. I'm sorry, I'm a little tense.
Phil : Coffee'll help that.
Claire : You're right.
Phil : We've been over this. Air travel is incredibly safe.
Claire : I know. I know, but at the end of the day, it is still a building on its side being thrown from one place to another.
Phil : Not in the movie.
Claire : Not helping.
Phil : Do you want to take something, maybe calm your nerves?
Claire : No. No, I want to be alert if the kids need me.
Phil : What a mom. Sometimes I wish you were my mom.
Claire : Oh, God, Phil. I'm already feeling a little queasy. I hate this feeling. I hate it, and it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.
Phil : Hey. It's gonna be fine. Uncle Phil's here. Great job, buddy! First one ready! Haley and Alex, let's go! Bless you.
Alex : Coming.
Claire : All right, come on, girls.
Phil : Okay. Okay, this is why we practice.
Alex : Coming through. Coming through.
Phil : 15 seconds. Are we ready?
Alex : I think so.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : It's go time!
Claire : Go. All right.
Phil : Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Straight to the car. Straight through. Very nice!
Claire : All right, let's go, let's go.
Phil : Hey. I think we got an extra couple of seconds.
Claire : No, we don't.
Alex : Dad, come on.
Claire : I will never get tired of this.
Luke : Me neither. You know what would be cool, mom?
Claire : What's that?
Luke : If the plane flew into a storm and crash-landed onto an island like in Lost"!
Cameron : Ow. Ow. Ow.
Jay : Something wrong there, Cam?
Cameron : Oh, well, I'm just breaking in a new pair of hiking shoes. This always happens. All the men in my family have wide ankles. I have an Uncle that can only wear bell bottoms. Hand to God.
Jay : I wasn't doubting you. Just, why are you wearing the hiking shoes?
Gloria : Surprise!
Jay : What, again?
Gloria : Every morning, the whole family is gonna go hiking. And then, at the end of the week, we all gonna make it to the top of the volcano!
Jay : Every morning, huh?
Gloria : Yes. When Cam suggested it, I knew you were gonna love it, baby.
Jay : Oh, so this was your idea?
Cameron : Happy Birthday, Jay.
Jay : Aw, thanks, buddy. Ow. Hi, sweetheart. She's smiling. Yes, I'm going hiking!
Luke : Look, mom, I'm pregnant.
Claire : Yeah. You still got to take your Dramamine.
Cameron : Oh, does somebody get a little motion sickness?
Luke : Yeah, I throw up all the time.
Cameron : Oh, well, then Dramamine's the way to go.
Claire : What the hell are you doing?
Cameron : Oh, I'm just trying to keep her awake so she'll sleep on the plane.
Cameron : Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's... it's very stressful.
Mitchell : Yeah, uh, last year, I flew back from New York. Next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight.
Cameron : I was on that flight with you, and I don't recall... Oh, I get it. You're talking about me. That's very funny.
Mitchell : Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to "Billy Elliot" all he wanted to do was dance.
Cameron : And that's my story.
Mitchell : Yeah, five hours of this.
Cameron : I just want to dance at the ballet!
Cameron : Dramamine... oh, I wish I had that the last time I flew. I'll tell you, the plane was rocking up and down, Back and forth. I thought the wings were gonna snap off, honestly.
Claire : Okay, you do it yourself. Use your teeth.
Mitchell : I-is this the best way to go? What about the freeway?
Phil : Relax, Pumpkin, I got this. It's all about knowing the route. You're talking to a guy who made his way through college by driving a pedicab. You know what one of those is?
Mitchell : Yes, yes. I just saw one pass us.
Phil : Quick, who sang "Evil woman"?
Man : What?
Phil : Hello?
Claire : Phil, where the hell are you?
Phil : Uh...let's see. Oh, shoot, I just missed my turn.
Claire : You're supposed to be here with me. I told you, I get more and more freaked out as we get closer to the flight!
Phil : Well, I know, but Mitch...
Claire : I was counting on you to be here, so, thanks... a lot.
Phil : She's pretty tightly wound. Some people are just built that way.
Mitchell : Honestly, could you drive any slower?!
Manny : Guess where the world's largest wind generator is.
Jay : Is it right behind me?
Manny : Nope. It's on the island of Oahu. I'm thinking about using it in my song about Hawaii.
Jay : What song?
Manny : Didn't mom tell you?
Gloria : Surprise! The whole family's putting on a show for you for your birthday. Everybody's performing! Even Phil brought his dummy! Isn't that great? Jay?
Jay : Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking how tragic it would be if I fell into that volcano.
Gloria : Ay, papi, don't say that.
Cameron : Ow. Ow. Ow. Not yet, sweetie. Not yet.
Haley : See, he's perfect. Look at him getting coffee and not putting chocolate in it. He's so mature.
Alex : What about Dylan?
Haley : Dylan's not that guy.
Claire : Haley! Come on! We're leaving in two minutes! Get up!
Haley : Oh, my God!
Dylan : Oh, no. Is it tomorrow?
Haley : Dylan, what are you doing here?!
Dylan : I was gonna go, but then you fell asleep, and since you're leaving for a week, I wanted to stare at you as long as I could.
Haley : You have to go. My parents are gonna think we did it!
Dylan : As if.
Haley : Okay, get out of the house, and make sure that nobody sees you!
Dylan : I'll miss you. When you're gone, it's like I'm this prisoner trapped in a cell of loneliness.
Haley : Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful, but you have to go.
Claire : I hate this feeling. I hate it, and it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.
Phil : Hey. It's gonna be fine. Uncle Phil's here. Great job, buddy! First one ready!
Luke : Thanks.
Phil : Haley and Alex, let's go!
Alex : Coming!
Phil : Bless you.
Alex : Coming.
Claire : All right, come on, girls.
Phil : Okay. Okay, this is why we practice.
Alex : Coming through. Coming through.
Phil : 15 seconds. Are we ready?
Claire : Yes.
Phil : It's go time! Go. All right. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.
Claire : Straight to the car. Straight through.
Phil : Very nice! All right, let's go, let's go. Hey. I think we got an extra couple of seconds.
Claire : : No, we don't.
Alex : Dad, come on.
Mitchell : : Oh, no!
Phil : What?!
Mitchell : My keys!
Cameron : Stay awake, sweetie. Stay awake. Whee... Oh, no.
Phil : This is where your Realtor training comes in handy. Looks like a standard Porter & sons d-model top-lock. One quick swipe ought to pop it. All aboard. Okay. There we go. All right. Nice and easy.
Mitchell : Oh, whoa. Okay.
Phil : Yeah. You're pinching. You're pinching.
Mitchell : Oh, I'm sorry.
Phil : If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.
Mitchell : Sure I'm not too heavy?
Phil : Please, you weigh less than my paintball gear.
Mitchell : Oh, okay. There we go.
Phil : We are in.
Mitchell : Yep.
Phil : Off-load. There we go. Squeezing.
Mitchell : Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
Phil : You all right?
Mitchell : Yep. I'm good. I'm good.
Mitchell : What are you doing?
Phil : Just making it a little tougher on the next guy. You got to get up pretty early... son of a... Oh, God!
Mitchell : Are you all right?
Phil : Yeah, I am. Oh, oh... just, uh, almost killed myself on your fire truck.
Mitchell : That's not ours. That's, uh, Jasper's.
Phil : You know Jasper?
Mitchell : Yeah.
Phil : I sold a house to his parents. How did you ever get a playdate with him?
Mitchell : Let's go! Okay. Please... Cam... yeah.
Alex : Look at him. He's sketching! He's like Leonardo DiCaprio in "titanic." I bet he goes to art school. Do you think he's sketching us?
Haley : Yeah. "us."...
Voice : 5:35 to Boston may board at this time.
Haley : And contact. Ugh. It's Dylan. "I'm trapped." Yeah, yeah, yeah, what a drama queen.
Gloria : We will go whale "washing," Explore the tropical forest, get back into the nature.
Manny : That sounds fun. Thanks.
Man : Thank you.
Voice : Your attention, please. Would Manny Delgado please report to gate 22a? Manny Delgado to gate 22a.
Luke : Check it out, grandpa. The Dramamine's working. I'm not dizzy!
Jay : Yeah. Oh, watch the drink, kid. Ooh! Ooh, my Ludlums!
Luke : I-I'm sorry, grandpa.
Jay : All right, relax, relax. We might be okay here. It's not fair. It's not fair.
Security : Excuse me, ma'am. Is this Manny Delgado?
Gloria : Yes.
Security : Your son's name is on a no-fly list.
Gloria : Ay, please, we've been through this at the check-in. He's not the same Manny Delgado.
Manny : I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.
Security : We just have a few questions to ask.
Gloria : No, this is a mistake. Where is my husband?
Security : Wait. Step this way, ma'am.
Gloria : Jay!
Security : Ma'am. Ma'am, step this way, please?
Gloria : Jay!
Security : Son? No pushing! Step this way.
Gloria : Jay!!
Jay : Could you make it a double? I'm traveling with my family.
Barman : No problem.
Phil : Yeah, life would be simpler if I was gay.
Mitchell : Do you think you could get in the fast lane?
Phil : Oh, I could totally get in the fast lane.
Mitchell : I mean the road.
Phil : Ooh, I'm getting a text. What does it say?
Mitchell : Um Oh, g... well, it's nothing. It's the alarm company. It says your... your house was broken into.
Phil : What?!
Mitchell : It's nothing. They'll take care of it. Just drive!!
Phil : What happened?!
Cameron : Okay, fun airport game.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Cameron : All right, you pick out a traveler... you come up with their entire story. Okay, this guy, his name's Henry. He's on his way to Phoenix to visit his grandmother, whose name is, uh... Unh! Pass. Too hard. Your turn.
Claire : Okay, fine. I see a woman, uh, wracked with fear, whose husband has abandoned her.
Cameron : Where? Where? Who is she?
Claire : Me. I made it perfectly clear to Phil that I needed him here.
Cameron : It's going around. Mitchell's mad at me, too. He thinks because I didn't help him pack this morning, He forgot his wallet.
Mitchell : I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be snippy. It's just... I'm a little upset with Cam. I needed his help this morning, And, you know, he let me down.
Phil : That doesn't sound like him. You asked him to do something and he didn't do it?
Cameron : But he never asked! I mean, all he said was, "Lily's bag needs to be packed, and the newspaper needs to be canceled."
Claire : That sounds to me like he was asking for help.
Phil : Sounds to me like you expected him to read your mind.
Cameron : What am I, a psychic?
Claire : No, it's not about reading minds. It's about knowing what your partner needs.
Phil : Here's an idea. Just say, "help me." You don't even have to say "me" just "help." Then he'll know exactly what you want. You won't have to get all mad.
Mitchell : I'm not mad. It's just... You know, you want to believe that you're on the same wavelength as someone, and then it's just... It's a little disheartening when you find out you're not. That's all.
Cameron : What's frustrating is I would do anything for Mitchell, And... and, frankly, it's a little hurtful that he doesn't know that.
Haley : So...Airports, huh?
Boy : Yeah.
Haley : Are you drawing something there?
Boy : Eh, it's no good.
Haley : Tortured artist. Classic.
Boy : Oh. Yeah. It's a robot!
Haley : Oh, yeah, sure is. What's behind him?
Boy : A dinosaur. It's for school. We're supposed to make a comic strip.
Haley : We had to do that, too, back in the eighth...
Alex : He was 14 years old!
Haley : Shut up.
Alex : "He's my soul mate."
Voice : This is the final boarding announcement for...
Jay : Whatcha drinking?
Claire : Dad. Hey. Mostly tonic, actually, thanks to my new sponsor here. I'm a little jittery about flying.
Jay : What are you talking about? You fly all the time.
Claire : Yeah. I know. This started just in the last couple years. I think I'm just... I'm nervous 'cause I've got so much to lose now, you know? What about you?
Jay : I'm taking a break from my vacation.
Claire : We haven't even started yet.
Jay : Well, I got to figure I might not have a lot of time for myself, You know, what with the luaus, the hiking, The talent shows.
Claire : Are you not happy that we're coming with you?
Jay : It's just not what I expected.
Claire : But, dad... Doesn't it feel good to know that your whole family is willing to drop everything to be with you, to fly across the ocean in a steel coffin? I'm gonna finish that.
Jay : It's not you guys. I love the family.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Jay : It just kinda feels like Gloria's going out of her way not to spend time with me.
Claire : You don't believe that, do you? Oh, come on, dad. That is so crazy and so adorable. That woman loves you.
Jay : Well, I didn't say I wasn't lovable.
Gloria : It's not every wife that would spend the money to fly a family to Hawaii.
Jay : Okay, where does everybody think Gloria's money comes from?
Security : So, what kind of business did you have in Japan?
Manny : I've never been to Japan.
Security : You didn't go to Osaka in November 2003
Manny : I was 4.
Gloria : Enough. Why don't you question the other people in the gate, huh? Did you see the old lady with the cane? What if she has a ceramic knife in there that can go through the metal detector? And yet you waste your time harassing a little kid!
Security : Ma'am, you seem to know an awful lot about sneaking contraband onto a plane.
Gloria : Yeah, I'm Colombian.
Security : Have you ever been to Japan?
Gloria : I would like to make a phone call.
Voice : Ladies and gentlemen, pre-boarding for our flight to Maui Will begin in the next few minutes.
Claire : Luke, please stop spinning.
Luke : Sorry.
Claire : Now make the airport stop spinning.
Phil : We made it!
Mitchell : Cameron,
Claire : Oh, boy.
Phil : Claire!
Claire : Oh, my God, thank God you're here! Hi! Oh, honey. Mwah!
Mitchell : I am so sorry.
Claire : It was my fault.
Phil : It wasn't your fault.
Cameron : I should have known what you wanted.
Phil : Are you drunk?
Claire : Kinda.
Manny : And once I spent a week in Cancún, which, by the way, did not live up to the hype.
Jay : Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Security : We're almost done here, sir. So you and your son are traveling together.
Gloria : Yes.
Security : Then why are you departing Maui on different dates?
Gloria : Well, because... he's traveling back home with his family.
Jay : What?
Gloria : Surprise! They're only staying for six days. The rest of the time, it's only you and me.
Jay : Really?
Gloria : Mm-hmm. I wanted to spend some time alone with my husband, drink cocktails by the pool, sleep in.
Jay : Mm. I could not love you any more than I do right now.
Gloria : I also found a topless beach.
Jay : I was wrong.
Boarding Attendant : Mr. Jackson, have a great flight. It's to the left. Oh, gorgeous.
Cameron : Oh, thank you. It's vintage.
Mitchell : I think he meant Lily.
Cameron : You don't know that.
Alex : Yo, there's another hottie for you at 5:00.
Jay : It's whale "watching."
Gloria : Whale "washing."
Jay : "watching."
Gloria : "watshing."
Jay : It's close enough.
Boarding Attendant : Hi, sir. Have a good flight, sir.
Phil : Quick, do your zombie impression.
Boarding Attendant : Oh, she hasn't been drinking, has she?
Phil : Oh, no, no, no. She's ...she's hilarious. Okay, let's do "bride of Frankenstein." Oh! That is so... so good.
