Phil : Steaks will be ready in five minutes.
Jay : You're destroying those things.
Gloria : Jay, leave him alone.
Jay : No, I'm sorry, but that cow has suffered long enough!
Phil : Fun.
Claire : wow ! Hang on! Dinner's ready in five minutes.
Manny : They are deceptively hard. A curious mix of dance and strain.
Luke : You're making it lame again.
Manny : Sorry.
Gloria : Ay, do mio, that coach!
Claire I hate that guy.
Jay : He seems to have the kids motivated.
Claire : Dad, you haven't seen him. He taunts the kids, he's abusive.
Gloria : If this was a Columbian soccer league, a long time ago one of the kids would have taken that guy out and krrr!
Jay : A coach is supposed to ride the kids hard! Phil, help me out here!
Phil : He's a mean man.
Jay : Oh, you're such a woman!
Phil : Come to the game, you'll see! This guy is a real mother-scratcher. Pardon my language Gloria.
Claire : Gloria?
Phil : He better cool it, or I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain and Tennille.
Cameron : sorry we're late. I was at work.
Mitchell : Oh, he loves to say that.
Cameron : Happy barbecue.
Phil : Oh.
Cameron : Since Mitchell is between jobs... I've taken a part-time job at a greeting-card store, Which I love. Plus, with my discount, we're saving a fortune.
Mitchell : How is spending a ton of money on greeting cards saving us a fortune?
Cameron : It's math.
Mitchell : It's really not.
Cameron : Look it up.
Mitchell : $2.95, $2.95, $4.95...
Cameron : 40% off, 40% off, 40% off....
Mitchell : $2.95, $3.95, $2.95.
Jay : Mitchell, I got this golf buddy of mine. Great guy. Super successful. You two should talk. It could mean a job for you.
Mitchell : Oh, thanks, dad, but I'm... I'm not really looking for anything right now, but...
Cameron : Yeah, that's right. With me bringing home the bacon, Mitchell doesn't have to rush into anything.
Jay : Yeah, I know you have all that greeting-card screw-you money, But talk to the guy? He's expecting your call in the morning.
Mitchell : Dad, I appreciate it, but in the future...
Jay : Oh, I can't stand this.
Mitchell : I am sorry, but...
Jay : No. Those steaks have been done for five minutes. I'm taking them off the grill.
Mitchell : I'm sorry. I-I know how it feels to have him stick his nose where it doesn't belong.
Phil : No biggie. That's just Jay being Jay. But one day I'm gonna be a grandfather, and then everybody better hide their meat.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Ooh, who's she?
Mitchell : I hate it when you do that.
Cameron : Who's he? It's Charlie Bingham. He's the guy that my dad wanted me to call. I googled him. Look.
Cameron : Oh, he owns earthgear apparel? I have their ski pants.
Mitchell : Really? You don't - you don't ski.
Cameron : I have cargo pants, and I don't work at the docks.
Mitchell : God, I feel like such a slacker. I mean, he has done so much for being so young. Okay, look, he's opened up a dozen environmental foundations and conservancies. Wow.
Cameron : So, are you gonna - are you gonna call him?
Mitchell : I don't know. I mean, you know, I-I sort of promised myself and you that I'd take a little time off and --
Cameron : And you are loving your time off.
Mitchell : Totally.
Mitchell : I am losing my mind. As much as I love Lily, Which is, you know, more than life itself, I am… whew! Not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad. No. But I-it's Cameron's turn. It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the explorer. I'd like to fill her backpack with brick and throw her into candy-cane river.
Mitchell : So, I don't know. Should I -- should I call him?
Cameron : I don't know. Maybe just to get your dad off your back.
Mitchell : Yeah.
Cameron : You know, I mean... I mean, because the last thing I want for you is to take a job right now. I am loving our life.
Cameron : I am in a really dark space. Being away from my Lily is literally torture. and I can't pressure Mitchell, but I really, really, really just want him to get a job so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad/trophy wife!
Coach : Come on, ladies, move it! Goodness gracious! Turtles run faster! Come on! Could you run any slower? I dare you to run slower.
Gloria : You see?
Jay : He's just trying to light a fire.
Gloria : No, I light him on fire.
Alex : Why do I always have to come to these things?
Claire : Because you love your brother.
Alex : Why don't you make him come to my orchestra concerts?
Phil : Because we love your brother. Good job, Luke!
Coach : Shoot! Delgado! You're killing me, man!
Gloria : I love you, Manny, no matter what!
Coach : Come on!
Mitchell : Okay. That's great. Okay, well, I'll let you know. All right. All right, bye. uh, so, Charlie Bingham just invited us over to his beach house for a little get-together.
Cameron : Oh! Uh, well, what did you say?
Mitchell : I said I'd check with you. I mean, what -- what do you think?
Cameron : What do you think?
Mitchell : well, I think it would be rude not to hear him out.
Cameron : Yeah.
Mitchell : I mean...
Cameron : Yeah, you're probably right.
Mitchell : Yeah. Okay. Cool. And don't worry. You know, I'm not gonna take any job.
Cameron : You better not.
Cameron : I just miss - I just... I just miss, you know... I just... make grilled-cheese sandwiches.
Coach : You're doing great, Luke, if your goal is to suck.
Claire : Phil.
Phil : I'm on it.
Jay : Wait for me.
Phil : Hey, coach?
Coach : Yeah.
Phil : Look, we appreciate your passion, But some of us are worried that the yelling is getting counter-productive.
Coach : I got this. Come on, stupid!
Jay : No you don't "got this." What you got is a bad attitude.
Coach : Who are you?
Jay : I happen to be the stepfather of... doesn't matter who. What you need to start doing is a little more coaching and a little less yelling. 'Cause if I hear you call one of these kids stupid again, I swear to god, I'll throw a shoe at your head.
Coach : Screw it. I don't need this. You think you can do a better job? You coach.
Phil : Jay, you know, I was handling this.
Jay : I saw how you broke out peaches and herb.
Phil : It's the captain and...
Phil : Okay... your old coach had to live for a while.
Luke : Why? Is he sick?
Phil : Yes. He's very, very sick.
Manny : : Is he going to die?
Phil : Everyone dies, boys, let's focus on what's important. Our next game is in one hour. We are going to go from being five fingers to being a fist. How does that sound?
Boys : Great. Great.
Phil : I can't hear you?
Boys : Great! Great!
Phil : That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
Jay : All right, gentlemen, I talked to the referee. I'm coaching.
Phil : Oh, really? 'cause I...
Jay : Phil, I coached football.
Phil : Jay, I actually coached basketball. I think I can get these guys...
Jay : Relax, you've already got the assistant job. Now, think you can round us up some waters?
Phil : Yeah.
Jay : Go ahead. Gentlemen, this is what I need. I want you to hit them, and I want you to hit them hard.
Phil : Father-in-laws are tough, Because you can't let them push you around, and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope, which, by the way, I can do because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it. Don't let them run over you.
Claire : Honey, I'm gonna take off. I'm gonna buy Alex some clothes.
Phil : Okey dokee.
Claire : How come you're not coaching?
Phil : 'cause your dad coached football.
Claire : I'm sorry. And I am going to make it up to you tonight.
Phil : And I'll be thinking of your dad while you do.
Claire : Mm. Disturbing.
Mitchell : Hey, Phil. Hey. How's it going?
Phil : Great. Your dad coached football.
Mitchell : Ahh, a fellow victim. Thank you again for taking care of Lily. I know it's last-minute.
Gloria : Ay, don't be silly.
Cameron : We'll probably just stick around for a few minutes. You know how fussy she gets when we pass her off, so…
Gloria : No, she seems fine.
Cameron : Yeah.
Gloria : Ay, I think she's getting used to being away from you now that you have the new job. Mwah! So proud of you!
Manny : We need to talk.
Gloria : Okay. What happened?
Manny : Mom, I love you, but your words of encouragement Encourage the other kids to make fun of me.
Gloria :Okay, I won't say anything else on the next game. Promise.
Manny : We both know that your Latin blood makes that impossible. I think it would be better if you didn't come to the next game.
Mitchell : Ah!
Cameron : I know.
Mitchell : I hate our house.
Cameron : I know!
Mitchell : And what's... what's this thing?
Cameron : I don't know, but it's fancy.
Mitchell : Stop... stop playing with it. Come on. Just...Don't break it.
Charlie : Hey, Mitchell! Charlie Bingham.
Mitchell : Nice to meet you. Hi! This is my partner, Cameron Tucker.
Charlie : Pleasure. Cameron.
Mitchell : So we just went ahead and parked on that round thingy in the driveway. Is that... that's fine, right?
Charlie : No problem. It's a turntable so you don't have to back out.
Cameron : Oh. You have a car turntable and you're wearing rubber. You're like Batman.
Charlie : I really am. Come on in. Turn the music down!
Mitchell : Wow.
Charlie : Pardon the getup. Killer waves today. You guys surf?
Cameron : Only for bargains on the web.
Charlie : Everybody, say hi. Hi. Hi. Hello! That's Jolie. She's head of my Europe division. She cheats at poker. You do. And that's my girlfriend, Jenny. She makes a hell of a margarita. Want one?
Cameron : Absolutely.
Mitchell : Oh, no, not... o-okay.
Charlie : Everybody, Mitchell Pritchett and his partner, Cameron.
Cameron : Business partners. Mergers and acquisitions. I'm kidding. We're gay.
Mitchell : Stop talking.
Cameron : When things are relaxed, I'm great in social situations. I would have fit in at the Algonquin round table. But when the stakes are high, I get a little tense. I'd be the guy that would knock over the round table. Then Dorothy Parker would make a quip, James Thurber would laugh, And then I would end up leaving, crying.
Claire : How long you been on the lam?
Alex : What?
Claire : Honey, you are looking around like the feds are after you.
Alex : No, I'm not. Let's just get this over with.
Claire : Oh! Great.
Alex : Oh, no. It's them.
Claire : Oh! Oh, you know those girls from school. Hey!
Alex : Let's go. Over here.
Claire : What... what is your problem?
Alex : Nothing. I'll meet you at the car in an hour. Please, mom. Please. Hi, Jenna.
Claire : And just like that, my baby girl became a teenager. She entered that dreaded phase where my very existence embarrasses her.
Phil : I-I think I can help. You're not your mom. Wow, that's your mom. Oh, I just got chills.
Charlie : So, first off, I'm a fan. I saw you in court once.
Mitchell : seriously?
Charlie : Yeah. Mayhew vs. Propyltech. You are a good lawyer. If you'd have handled my divorce, this house would be twice as big.
Cameron : Oh, he's better than good. Try winning an argument with him. Last night, I wanted to have Indian for dinner…
Mitchell : And we're talking again.
Charlie : Top of your class at Cornell and Columbia law. Had your pick of jobs but instead chose to work in environmental law until last month.
Cameron : And he used to be a really great figure skater.
Charlie : Why'd you quit?
Cameron : His sister lost interest, and then there was...
Mitchell : He means my job!
Charlie : You can tell me about figure skating, too.
Mitchell : Um, well, it was... She did lose interest.
Charlie : That's enough.
Mitchell : Okay.
Gloria : Iqué linda! Iay, qué linda!
Claire : Oh, my gosh! I didn't know you guys were gonna be here.
Gloria : Hola, Claire.
Claire : Mwah! Hi, Lily. Mwah, mwah!
Gloria : I had enough basketball for one day.
Claire : Oh, I know. Come here, sweetie. Oh, sweet thing, you love me, And you want me to buy you a dress.
Gloria : Ay, but I'm gonna buy her some shoes first.
Claire : What's that, Lily? Do you want me to buy you a dress? She said, "yes".
Gloria : She did not say, "yes."
Phil : Okay, "win" on 3. 1, 2, 3...
Boys : Win!
Phil : Don't forget the pick-and-roll. These guys won't know how to defend it.
Jay : Phil, try not to confuse my boys, okay?
Phil : Okay. I sleep with your daughter.
Jay : What?
Phil : Good luck.
Jay : All right, let's go, let's go! Come on, let's go!
Phil : Get out there. Hustle up!
Jay : Get the tip! Get the tip! Oh! All right. Keep the hustle, keep the hustle. Come on, boys. Don't let them push you around. Oh! All right, little defense. Play defense.
Phil : I did a little scouting, And the other team only has two shooters. If we isolate both of them --
Jay : Good, Phil, good. Thank you. Good. Manny, pay attention! What are you looking at?
Manny : What?
Mitchell : And that was in 2004.
Charlie : So, tell me this, What are the regulatory challenges of a solar farm?
Mitchell : well, you know, it could be anything. Agriculture, military, protected species, ironically, even some environmental groups. I think you got all of it. Mm. I think you got it.
Cameron : Yeah, I'm just gonna freshen this up.
Charlie : Let me ask you a question. How do you like the beard? I'm thinking of growing one. Jenny's against it.
Mitchell : Oh, well, I've - I've been very happy with mine.
Charlie : That's it. I'm doing it. Look, I've made a fortune. I want to use it for some good. I need a lawyer to help me navigate. I like you. You get me. So, in or out?
Cameron : I'm very sorry.
Charlie : It's okay.
Mitchell : Um, that's a very big question. You know, I'm obviously gonna have to go talk to my, um... bull in a china shop. I'll be right back.
Charlie : Sure. Talk it over. It's a major life decision. Hey, jenny! The beard is on!
Gloria : Okay, Lily, it's time to buy you beautiful shoes.
Claire : Oh, no, no, no. I saw another really cute dress for her.
Gloria : Ay, she has already six new dresses. What she needs is strappy shoes.
Claire : Oh. Oh, oh. There's Alex. I'll -- I'll see you later. Alex, honey. Hi.
Alex : Mom, I said I'd meet you at the car.
Gloria : Ugh. Here.
Claire : Thank you. Still wish you had a daughter?
Gloria : Manny didn't want me at the game today.
Claire : oh, I'm sorry.
Gloria : It's okay.
Claire : No, it's not okay. It sucks.
Gloria : I miss babies. They never tell you to go away.
Claire : Yeah. Or wait in the car. I don't know about you, But I'm not gonna stand here and feel sorry for myself. You know what we should do?
Gloria : Get pregnant.
Claire : I was gonna say go for ice cream.
Gloria : Okay, we'll do yours first.
Jay : Luke! Luke! It's hard to guard a player if there's no player near you!
Phil : We good in the hood?
Jay : This is a uniquely frustrating group of boys.
Phil : I hear ya. Um, one thing that might help, instead of a zone, if you switch to a simple man-to-man.
Jay : I got this.
Phil : Really? 'cause according to the scoreboard, The only thing you got is 4 points. Good luck.
Mitchell : I need to talk to you.
Cameron : I need to talk to you. Nice top.
Mitchell : Come here. You... you... Cam. Cam, you have got to relax. I told you I wouldn't take a job...
Cameron : Take the job.
Mitchell : What?
Cameron : I want you to take the job.
Mitchell : I thought you liked having me home with Lily.
Cameron : I don't. I mean, I do. I just… I miss my time with Lily, and I know it's selfish...
Mitchell : No, I want the job!
Cameron : You do?
Mitchell : Oh, my god, yes! I-I love Lily, but I hate baby talk.
Cameron : I wuv baby talk!
Mitchell : Oh.
Cameron : Let's go get this job.
Mitchell : Let's get this job. Okay. Oh, no. It's locked. Guys?
Cameron : Oh, my gosh. They not gonna hear us. We're trapped out here.
Mitchell : That's… stop being so dramatic. We'll just go through the garage.
Cameron : That's why he wants to hire you. You're good in crisis.
Mitchell : It's not opening.
Cameron : Push it again.
Mitchell : Well, I'm, I'm hearing things. But it's not...
Cameron : Push it harder.
Mitchell : That's not... maybe this one?
Cameron : I'm hearing something. What is that?
Mitchell : No. Stop touching. Stop ... This... oh, that was it.
Cameron : All right. Mitchell! Oh, my god! No!
Mitchell : Oh, my god! No, Cam! Cam. Did we do that?
Cameron : What are we gonna say?
Mitchell : Oh. Oh. I will take the job.
Charlie : I kind of think you have to now.
Jay : Guys, you're on the same team! Time-out! Time-out. Get over here. Guys, earlier, we practiced a few set plays. Did any of them involve wrestling the ball from your own teammate?
Manny : : But you said to be aggressive.
Luke : Yeah.
Jay : Not on your own team! Wait here. You got to coach. I can't take it.
Phil : You talkin' to me?
Jay : Yeah. I'm talkin' to you. You got to take over. I'm about to lose it out there.
Phil : That sounds tough, coach.
Jay : What's your problem?
Referee : Hey, coach. Tick tock.
Phil : I was dealing with the coach, you pushed me aside. I was dealing with the boys, you pushed me aside. Believe it or not, Jay, there are some things that I am better at than you are. Bam! It's out there!
Jay : Oh, for god's sake.
Referee : Coach!
Phil : He's calling you.
Jay : Listen, I don't blame you for being angry. All right? I'm used to taking charge. That's all. I should have let you coach from the get-go.
Phil : And?
Jay : I love you.
Phil : No, the barbecue.
Jay : Oh, for god's sake. I'm sure your steaks would've been delicious and not chewy.
Phil : Okay. I'll do it.
Jay : Thanks.
Phil : And so the student becomes the master. The once mighty...
Jay : You know what? Forget it.
Phil : No, no, no, no. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Hey, hey, guys. Who wants to go out like a champ?
Boys : Yeah! Yeah!
Phil : I love it! Okay, Jordie, you inbound to Luke. Manny, set a pick on Luke's man and roll to the bucket. Luke, you know what to do.
Luke : No, I don't.
Phil : Bounce pass to Manny.
Luke : But dad... coach... Manny hasn't taken a single shot all season.
Phil : Then chances are he'll be open.
Referee : Okay, guys, let's bring it out.
Phil : Hey, hey. Bring it in. Let's show these guys what kind of team they're about to beat. Huh? "li'l dribblers" on 3. 1, 2, 3...
Boys : Li'l dribblers!
Referee : Okay, red ball. Side out. Here we go.
Phil : What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird... Yes. ...And he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings...And he can fly... Ohh! ...Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination. Okay. I support you.
Alex : Hey, mom.
Claire : That was 20 minutes.
Alex : Mom. I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school... You know, with friends. And I love you so much, And I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm still your little girl.
Claire : Oh, honey. That is so sweet.
Alex : Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to a movie, And we're gonna get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Claire : Okay! Of course. Sweetie, you know what? Take $40.
Alex : Oh, my gosh.
Claire : Yeah! That's right.
Alex : Thanks, mom.
Claire : Go on. Have a great time. Oh, Alex, honey. When you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, But pretty your little boobies are gonna come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten! Mwah! Mwah! Teach her to screw with me.
Manny : Luke passed to me, I shot the ball, and I almost made it.
Gloria : Ay, I bought Lily the cutest little dress today.
Manny : And then I stole the ball from the other team, Did a 360, and almost dunked it.
Gloria : That's nice. Ay, I just had the best day today with Lily. That girl is so sweet.
Manny : I have a game next Saturday. You could come.
Gloria : No, it's okay. I wouldn't want to embarrass you. I'll probably take Lily out for cupcakes. Mm-hmm.
Manny : Okay. Any suggestions?
Jay : I usually go with earrings.
