Luke : Today, Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball, and it hit another kid so hard, his eye popped out.
Phil : Awesome.
Claire : Really? His eye popped out?
Phil : Well, got to hit the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.
Claire : That's right. It's somebody's birthday.
Phil : Not just that. The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "We love you, Phil."
Claire : What's so great about that doohickey anyhow?
Phil : "Doohickey," Elly May? It's a movie theater, a library, and a music store all rolled into one awesome pad.
Alex : A library is a place where people get books.
Haley : A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.
Phil : I'll load the beach chair into the trunk, for the line in the morning.
Claire : Wait, honey, hang on. You can't spend your birthday in line.
Phil : Not the whole day. I have to be there at 6:00, or forget about it, and then I'm out by 10:00.
Claire : Why don't you let me do it?
Phil : Claire, you don't have to do that.
Claire : No, I know, but I want to. That way, on your birthday, you'll wake up, and you'll have your brand-new... toy.
Phil : In spite of you calling it a toy, this is shaping up to to the best birthday I ever had.
Haley : Thank God we didn't have to hear that stupid story about...
Phil : It was called the fun zone. I was 11. I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage. Then my best friend, Jeff Sweeney, stepped in and took one in the groin. I yelled out, "Ball two!" Everybody laughed. That was when I knew I was funny. Good night.
Manny : B-e-l-i-e-v-e. Believe.
Gloria : Are you sure there's not an e-i in the middle?
Manny : No. It's i-e.
Gloria : Good, papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you, either.
Manny : I don't think they're trying to fool me.
Jay : Wait until you see what I got Phil for his birthday. I found it on the Skymall catalog.
Gloria : It's not one of those talking alarm clocks? "It's 6:05. It's 6:25. Wake up. Wake up."
Jay : Even better... A rosewood chess set. Before I wrap this thing, what say we take it for a spin? Manny, I'll teach you.
Gloria : He knows how to play. His father taught him how to play.
Jay : I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria : I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
Jay : Manny, come on! let's see what you got.
Gloria : You'd be surprised. Let him win!
Gloria : Manny's an excellent player. But Jay is a grumpy loser. He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door, then he said he didn't slam the door. It's better that he wins.
Mitchell : I got this.
Voice : Everything's gonna be okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Cameron : Leave me alone.
Mitchell : There's a man in Lily's room. There's a man in Lily's room!
Cameron : It's go time. Oh, thank God.
Mitchell : It's me, it's me, it's me.
Cameron : She's fine. We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.
Mitchell : Thank God. Boy, if a spider would've broken in here, he would've been in trou-ble.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Claire : Light-up barbecue tongs. This was the lame gift I got Phil. So... Was I bummed to get up at 5:00 in the morning and wait in line? No, because I was finally getting my husband something that he really, really wanted. I was every bit as excited as he was.
Jay : Hey, buddy. I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday. What do you say we play again?
Manny : I'm good.
Jay : That's the spirit. Downloaded this for you. It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
Manny : No, Jay. I'm good.
Jay : It's not all dry like that. They have fun with it. See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.
Manny : You are making me want to play again.
Jay : We're lighting a fire. Let me toss this out. If you beat me, if that day should ever come, I'll give you, uh...
Manny : I want your watch.
Jay : Wow. You had that loaded up, huh? Okay. Game on. Now, I want you to go first. Now, remember, try to open up the middle of the board. I'd have moved that guy two spaces. More aggressive. And you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly. You could have protected that with that, but now you're vulnerable to...
Manny : Checkmate.
Jay : What? How'd you do that?
Cameron : You will not believe what's going on at Jake and Debbie's house.
Mitchell : Who?
Cameron : The people on the monitor. So much drama. Okay. Jake told Debbie that he had to work late, so she called his boss and found out that he didn't. Busted! So she spent all morning on the phone crying and crying to her mother and said if Jake has to work "late" one more time, she's filing for divorce.
Mitchell : Huh.
Cameron : That's it? I give you that tasty dish, and all you give me is a "huh"?
Mitchell : I'm s... Cam, I froze last night. I froze. I thought Lily was in danger, and I froze. But not you. You sprung right into action. You even had the cool "It's go time" line.
Cameron : That comes to me naturally. I spent a year as a crossing guard.
Mitchell : What kind of parent am I if I can't even protect my own family? Just once I would love to be the guy with no fear who can stand up and... I don't know, you know, kick some ass.
Cameron : You're so cute when you're angry with your little fists. I just want to put you in my pocket.
Alex : I think he's coming.
Haley : Here he comes. Dad!
Kids : Happy birthday!
Phil : You guys, that's awesome. Who are these from?
Alex : Cam and Mitchell.
Phil : Those guys are a class act.
Haley : We're making you breakfast. French waffle cakes.
Phil : Let me guess. One waffle in between two pieces of French toast, wrapped in a pancake.
Haley : Nailed it.
Phil : Bring it in here, monkeys. Love you! Get over here! Good enough.
Luke : Where's mom?
Phil : You mean the greatest woman in the world? She is standing in line at the Apple store, making all my birthday wishes come true. Let's see how these bad boys taste. That is hot!
Luke : Are you okay?
Phil : Fresh out of the oven, eh? That is...
Haley : Do you want some ice?
Phil : Yes. Oh, man, this... Oh, that feels better. That feels better. No, it actually... feels weird. That burns in a different way! Don't wash this until we see if I can get my skin back, okay?
Phil : Let me see it!
Claire : No! Your party's not until tonight. You'll have to wait.
Phil : Just let me see the bag. Did you leave it in the car? Who'd you deal with? Was it a guy named Mehar? They call him "the beast." Tiny guy. He must move a ton of product. I kind of love that you're making me wait. You are the best wife ever! You are the best wife ever!
Claire : I didn't get you the iPad. I got to the store, they were all out. I'm so sorry.
Phil : I don't understand. My online buddies got it. Sat800 and Brobot didn't get there until 8:00, and you definitely got there before 'em, because you got there at 6:30. You didn't get there at 6:30? Where were you?
Claire : I set the alarm for 5:00. Got up. Came downstairs. I fell asleep.
Phil : Oh, my goodness. What have I done? What have I done? I should've done this myself.
Claire : They're gonna get more in next week.
Phil : Next week? That's, like, the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.
Claire : Where are you going?
Phil : To a place where birthdays still mean something.
Manny : I'll get that.
Mitchell : Hey Manny.
Manny : Mitchell? What are you doing here at... 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Mitchell : I'm just returning my dad's belt of tools, so...
Manny : At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Jay : Don't you have something better to do? So, were you a big hit?
Mitchell : What do you mean?
Jay : Well, I just assumed it was some kind of costume party. Was Cam the Indian?
Mitchell : For your information, dad, we were doing a little construction at the house.
Jay : What did you build?
Mitchell : A gift-wrapping station.
Jay : And we're back.
Mitchell : So...
Jay : Thank you for that.
Mitchell : You're welcome. Hey, uh, dad, do you remember when I was probably 11 and you were teaching me how to fight, and then I quit?
Jay : You said everything you needed to learn, you'd learned from "West Side Story." How'd that work out for you?
Mitchell : If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll let you know. Is the offer, uh, still good?
Jay : What's the matter? You got problems with Cam?
Mitchell : No! Why would you say that?
Jay : Come on. I mean, you know, sharing a room with a guy? I bunked with my brother. I know that can get pretty rough.
Mitchell : I don't "bunk" with Cam. Dad, I just want to learn a little self-defense.
Jay : Show me what you remember.
Mitchell : Right... right now? Gosh, uh... Thumbs out.
Jay : Thumbs... attaboy.
Mitchell : That wasn't very pretty, was it?
Jay : You know what? Maybe it was a little too pretty. That's the thing.
Luke : Here it goes.
Alex : Oh! Buddy, I think the problem is you're not jumping from high enough. You should get on top of the garage.
Claire : Alex, stop trying to kill Luke. I need your help. We've got to find your dad one of those iPad thingies. So, Haley, text everyone you know. Alex, Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling... Just do what you have to do. We have got to find one of these iPads, okay? Luke, that means stay out of everyone's way and stop inhaling the balloons.
Luke : I'm not inhaling them.
Claire : Stop lying.
Luke : How did she know?
Phil : Didn't your mama teach you never to take a ride from a stranger?! Got a little vacation time coming up? Have fun on the Moon! Not feeling too well lately? Maybe you should come see the doctor, and I'll... get rid of it!
Boy : What's that supposed to mean?
Voice : Attention. If you're here for Phil's birthday party, they're gathering in the picnic area. Phil's birthday party.
Phil : My wife knew I'd be here. She put together a whole party for me.
Boy : Does that really make up for not getting an iPad?
Phil : Don't make me sorry I shared that with you, okay? See you, fellas. Howdy do! I just heard the announcement for Phil's birthday party.
Girl : Phil? Yeah! It's right around the corner.
Phil : Awesome.
Girl : Have fun.
Phil : Thank you. Thanks, milady.
Everybody : Happy birthday, Phil!
Littl' Phil : This is awesome!
Jake : Hello? No, I'm just putting the baby down.
Cameron : That's Jake. He's the one having an affair.
Jake : I know. Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night. I'll just give my wife some excuse.
Cameron : Men are pigs.
Jake : I don't really have a choice, do I? Yeah, you could not cheat on her. How about that?! Because it has to be a surprise. When she hears me speaking Italian to her grandmother, it'll be worth all this sneaking around.
Cameron : Lily, I had it backwards. He's wonderful.
Jake : I'll just tell her I'm working late.
Cameron : No, Jake, don't do that! That's the worst thing you could do!
Jake : Buona notte.
Cameron : Oh, no, what are we gonna do? We have to fix this.
Jay : I'm gonna teach you a couple of basic Brazilian jujitsu moves. Now, just... Just attack me.
Mitchell : I'm sorry. What?
Jay : Take any deep-seated anger you have, get a running start and come.
Mitchell : I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Jay : Remember that Halloween when I wouldn't let you go as Olivia Newton-John? You see what I did? I used your momentum against you. Learned this from the Gracie brothers. It's called the lion killer, mata-leao. Try to get out. Try to get out. There, you see?
Mitchell : I can't.
Jay : Yeah. Alright, now... impressive. The beauty of this is you don't have to make the first move. Chances are, your opponent's gonna be overconfident. He's gonna think you don't know a thing. Basically, he's being suckered into thinking... Manny, that little bastard. He hustled me. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Mitchell! All right, come on. Yeah, breathe. Attaboy.
Mitchell : What?
Jay : You all right? Come around.
Mitchell : Why am I on the floor?
Claire : Haley, I just struck out again. Please tell me you have some good news.
Haley : The grove just got in a shipment. I'm texting you the directions now.
Claire : Okay, that's good. That's good. That's good. I'm there. I'm on that.
Jay : That kid stole my watch.
Manny : What?
Jay : He hustled me at chess.
Gloria : You promised you were gonna let him win.
Manny : I did the first time.
Jay : Wait a minute. You're in on it, too?
Gloria : Go and get dressed for the party.
Many : Do I have time for a steam?
Gloria : Yeah, but a quick one.
Manny : Okay.
Jay : Why would you tell him to lose to me?
Gloria : 'Cause you're a baby if you don't win, with the kicking and the eyebrows and the angry eating of the sunflower seeds...
Jay ; Actually, that's not true. I don't mind losing to a chess genius, which Manny obviously is.
Gloria : Chess genius? He's not even as good as I am.
Jay : You're not that good. I won on our honeymoon.
Gloria : Or did I let you win?
Jay : You didn't let me win.
Gloria : Why would I sacrifice my queen for your pawn, Jay? Huh? Huh?
Jay : Stop saying that.
Claire : Luke, honey, hi. What's going on?
Luke : The guy came with Dad's cake, but just so you know, it's missing a piece.
Claire : Did you take a bite out of your father's cake? Stop lying, Luke.
Luke : I'm not lying. By the way, I used your credit card to pay him. Is that all right?
Claire : Oh, no. That's fine. Whatever. That's why I left the wallet there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I left the wallet. I left the wa... your poor dad. All this running around, and he'll think nobody cares about him on his birthday.
Littl' Phil : More cake?
Phil : Why not, little Phil? I got no place else to go.
Cameron : Sir. Sir. Sir, hi. Excuse me. Um, yes, I know this is highly unusual, but I need your help to save a marriage. A couple in this neighborhood is about to get a divorce for a simple misunderstanding. Their name is Jake and Debbie. And I know you've taken an oath to not tell people where other people live. I respect that, but we could work out some sort of super-secretive spy signal, where if you scratch your left ear, you know, maybe they live on the left, and your right ear, they live on...
Mail Man : They live right here.
Cameron : This conversation never happened.
Mitchell : Sorry.
Claire : Oh! Thank God! Thank you, thank you.
Mitchell : Dad just put me to sleep.
Claire : The hunting story? Oh, my gosh, no. you can't cut the line. Sorry.
Man : I was here.
Claire : I've been here for an hour and a half. You haven't been, so you cut the line.
Man : Whatever.
Mitchell : Excuse me, sir, you don't understand. You're not getting in front of us.
Man : Calm down, gingerbread.
Mitchell : Are you gonna move or not? Then you leave me no choice.
Claire : Oh, my God.
Mitchell : Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
Man : No.
Mitchell : Go to sleep.
Claire : What are you doing? Get off of him.
Mitchell : Shut up. He's about to go to sleep.
Man : No.
Claire : Let's stop it.
Security : You three, out of line.
Claire : Sorry, I had nothing to do with this. I'm just waiting in line to get an iPad. I don't even know this guy. I need your credit card.
Man : He's the problem.
Mitchell : Shut up. You're supposed to be asleep.
Claire : It's okay! I have it. I've got it.
Mitchell : What?
Claire : I've got your card. I'm good. No, no, I'm good. No, I'm here... I've got to get my husband an iPad!
Phil : Key to a good birthday... Low expectations. Thought I was getting an iPad. I was wrong about that. Thought I was getting a surprise party at the batting cages. Sorry, big Phil. When it comes right down to it, we're Jeff Sweeney taking a ball to the plums.
Alex : Hey, um, Dad, your cake fell off the counter, but uncle Cam's trying to fix it.
Phil : He won't.
Luke : And the pizzas never showed up.
Phil : And they won't. Hey, balloons.
Gloria : Fine. I guess we'll never know.
Jay : Or we can find out right now, huh? Manny, give me the chess set.
Phil : Oh, it's a chess set.
Jay : Yeah. You'll get it later. We got something to settle. Go in there.
Gloria : Happy birthday, Phil.
Manny : Happy, happy. Is it Claire's baked brie I smell?
Mitchell : Cam, you'll never believe what happened. Happy birthday, Phil.
Phil : Sure.
Mitchell : You'll never believe it. I got in trouble for fighting.
Cameron : And we saved a marriage. Oh, well, this is the best day ever.
Mitchell : It really is.
Phil : Ain't it, though?
Gloria : Look at this, papi! Huh?
Jay : Easy. You can't sing "We are the champions"... without your queen.
Gloria : Damn it! Listen, I lose, and I burn this house down! Ah, but look at this...
Jay : Honey, honey, what are we doing? This is ridiculous. One of us will win the game, the other will feel lousy, we both lose.
Phil : Yeah, just leave my birthday present on the floor.
Jay : That's my girl.
Jay : She had me. There was no way I could win. I knew it. I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.
Gloria : Two moves, and then... I'm a very good chess player. But I'm a better wife.
Haley : Hey, did you get it?
Claire : No. How's your dad?
Haley : Acting weird... er.
Phil : Hey, wife.
Claire : Honey. Hi. Um, listen. Yeah, Luke, hang on one second.
Phil : Honey, it's okay. I don't feel things anymore.
Claire : But, sweetie, I want you to feel...
Luke : Mom?
Claire : Luke, just a second. Where are you going?
Phil : Just heading out to the yard to get a shovel for my cake.
Luke : Mom?
Claire : Luke, what do you want?
Luke : I went on Dad's computer, contacted some of his geek friends, told them that he was dying and his last wish was an iPad.
Claire : What have I told you about the...
Luke : One of them felt so bad, they brought over an extra.
Claire : Oh, my God. You got it, you beautiful little liar.
Luke : Here comes Dad.
Claire : Who wants some cake?
Phil : I used to, but I don't desire food any... Oh, my God! You got it! All this time, I said I didn't care, but I do care... I care so much!
Claire : Do you want to blow out the candles?
Phil : Yes.
Claire : Go on. Go.
Phil : It did not just do that!
Claire : Yes, it did!
Phil : Honey! Who's ready for the first day of the rest of their lives?
Gloria : Phil, happy birthday.
Phil : Look at this.
Gloria : Can I touch it?
Phil : Yeah. Not so hard, but touch it. Touch it, but don't touch it. Touch it, but don't touch it.
Debbie : I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. I love you.
Jake : Thank God that guy came over. What did he say his name was?
Debbie : He didn't. Must be an angel.
Cameron : Did you hear that? I'm an angel.
Jake : Or some creepy perv.
Debbie : Yeah, how did he know? Maybe I should call the police.
Jake : You should. I'm gonna call the police.
Cameron : And they lived happily ever after.
Mitchell : No, Cam, where are you going? It was just getting good. I want... That's my program.
Phil : I love you.
Claire : I love you, too, honey.
Phil : Oh, okay!
