Claire : Hey, honey, Hugh grant has a...
Phil : Not in...
Claire : okay, well, Alex has a cello lesson at eleven and junior congress at noon.
Haley : Doesn't she also have no boys at forever?
Alex : Don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to?
Claire : Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20.
Phil : Oh, actually, that's no good. I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink?
Claire : Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil : Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Haley : Oh, my god. Gross. I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire : Thank you.
Luke : You had a girlfriend before mom?
Phil : Try two. Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your mom.
Claire : And thank you.
Phil : So, uh, I guess she travels around selling makeup For a cosmetics company. She's in town for a week.
Alex : You mean she's like a door-to-door salesman?
Luke : If you were doing it, They'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman.
Phil : Ohh! My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!
Alex : Oh, yeah? Well... well, you...
Claire : Wow. All right, well, we can see the movie tomorrow. Come on. It's time for your lesson.
Luke : You mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled.
Alex : What's wrong with me today?
Claire : Shake it off, champ. It's not your day.
Manny : Hey.
Gloria : Ay. Good morning, papi.
Manny : Is it?
Gloria : Aw, you're still sad because of that audition.
Manny : That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye. Instead they give it to Rod Jackson? What does he know from suffering?
Jay : How we doing?
Gloria : A little better, But we're gonna go and throw ice cream at the problem.
Jay : Well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick.
Manny : "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Jay : We can hang this in your room. You can see it every morning, start to internalize it. Pretty soon, nothing will keep you down.
Manny : But it's not true.
Jay : What are you talking about?
Manny : Lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker. My friend's grandfather had a heart attack. Now he needs a machine to breathe.
Gloria : I've seen him at the supermarket. Now he needs to drive one of those little, like...
Jay : Yeah, that's right. Be negative.
Gloria : It's just not a good poster, Jay.
Jay : You're only making me stronger.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : Did you pack the, uh, bread for the ducks?
Cameron : Yes.
Mitchell : Not the whole-wheat kind. The ducks don't like that.
Cameron : They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care.
Cameron : We both believe that animals Should play a big part in Lily's life. Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them. They were more like brothers and sisters than just, you know, livestock.
Mitchell : Delicious brothers and sisters.
Cameron : Life on a farm... they know what they're getting into.
Mitchell : Eesh.
Mitchell : Wait. Oh, it's the office.
Cameron : Don't answer it.
Mitchell : I have to.
Cameron : It's like this every Saturday. Just ignore it.
Mitchell : Well, maybe it's not that this time. Hello?
Cameron : Yeah.
Jay : That's nice. Holy... Shel? You all right, buddy?
Cameron : Oh, there's four of them, Mitchell! They're giving her little duck kisses, and she... oh, she's laughing! I can't believe you're missing this.
Mitchell : Well, why not, Cam? I've missed everything else. She rolled over when I was in Phoenix. She started scooting en I was in court.
Cameron : Well, just tell them you're not coming in. You do enough for them.
Mitchell : Well, you know that, I know that, you know? The only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss. He's the suckiest suck of all time. He's a miserable son of a bitch who... May have heard everything I just said.
Claire : Hi honey! When are you getting together with your gal pal?
Phil : Actually, I was just checking on that. She's supposed to send me a message.
Claire : Ohh. You're Facebook friends.
Phil : Sure am. Oh... She's one of my 447 friends. Everybody wants a slice.
Claire : How long have you two been in touch with each other?
Phil : Uh, she tracked me down about a year ago.
Claire : Mm. Mm, mm.
Phil : What? What's... what's that sound?
Claire : Mm. Nothing.
Phil : Oh. There she is right now. "how about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"
Claire : Well, that sounds innocent enough. I mean, drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate French restaurant.
Phil : Honey, you're doing that thing where you say what I want you to say but your tone seems mean.
Claire : Let me guess... Denise isn't married.
Phil : Recently divorced. What's the big deal?
Claire : Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive. Seriously, women in their 30s on the internet are like... They're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage.
Phil : That's not Denise.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : Here, read some of her messages. You're gonna feel silly. Go ahead.
Claire : "hey, Phil. How's it goin'?"
Phil : You can't add the sexy voice. "hi, Phil. How's it going?"
Claire : "so glad to hear your neck is better"
Phil : Are you seriously jealous?
Claire : No! I am not jealous at all. I just happen to know women better than you do, and that woman wants a slice.
Phil : Okay, just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks.
Claire : Fine with me. Just hope it's fine with Denise. "gee, Phil. I really had my heart set on Le Reve."
Phil : That voice doesn't bother me. Kind of like it!
Cameron : Well, has he been acting weird around you?
Mitchell : No, no. I've been avoiding him all morning.
Cameron : So you don't even know if he heard you.
Mitchell : Well, that's why we're doing this. Hey, where are you? I only have a half-hour for lunch.
Cameron : Hello, handsome.
Mitchell : Okay, so, uh, this is where it happened. Just, um, turn off the phone, roll down the window, and we'll… we'll see if you can hear me. Okay.
Cameron : Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas! Thank you!
Mitchell : Okay. C-can you hear me now?
Cameron : Uh, yeah, but just barely. Is this how loud you were talking?
Mitchell : Uh, well, it might have been a little bit louder. There was traffic. I mean, I almost had to shout.
Cameron : You almost had to what?
Mitchell : Shout.
Cameron : Little bit louder now.
Mitchell : Shout!
Cameron : Little bit louder now.
Mitchell : Shout!!
Cameron : * hey, hey, hey, hey *
Mitchell : Really, Cam? My job is at stake here and… Oh, w-who are we kidding? You can obviously hear me. I am so screwed.
Jay : Manny? Manny, come here a second, pal.
Manny : Huh?
Jay : I got some bad news, buddy.
Manny : What is it?
Jay : Well, there's no easy way to say this. Shel Turtlestein is dead.
Manny : What? How?!
Jay : I was down here reading the paper, And I heard this commotion up in your room, so... So naturally I go running up there. And this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen. He must have scampered up to where Shel was. By the time I walked in, he had him... The little bastard had him by the neck, shaking him. Gravel's flying everywhere. He didn't even flinch. He just stared at me with that smug look and then bolted. If only I'd have got here earlier.
Manny : May I see the body?
Gloria : Baby, are you sure that's a good idea?
Manny : It's something I have to do. That's him.
Jay : Sorry, pal.
Manny : It just doesn't make any sense.
Jay : Yep. Only the good die young.
Manny : But in school we lead raccoons are nocturnal. They sleep during the day.
Jay : They sure do, and this one must've got up for a midnight snack. You know, we've all done that.
Manny : I guess so. Yeah.
Jay : It all adds up.
Manny : I don't think I can be in here right now. Too many memories.
Jay : He'll be okay.
Gloria : You lie.
Jay : What?
Gloria : I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one!
Jay : I was hanging up the new poster. And it fell on top of him. It was an accident.
Gloria : You have to tell him.
Jay : No. I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.
Gloria : My god. How many pets have you killed?
Jay : Just the two. I took the heat on the bird. It was a big mistake. To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking, "that's the guy who killed Fly-Za Minnelli."
Gloria : And what if he finds out? Then what? You'll be the guy that killed his pet and lied to him.
Jay : He's not gonna find out, because I covered my tracks.
Gloria : Okay. Fly-za Minnelli?
Jay : How did I not know that kid was gay?
Alex : Hey, Luke! Big day for you, huh?
Luke : Why?
Alex : Because you get to meet your real mom.
Luke : What?
Alex : We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21, But that's the real reason dad's old girlfriend is coming over. She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her.
Luke : I'm not adopted. I'm asking mom.
Alex : You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth.
Luke : I-I-I'm not...
Alex : I know.
Luke : Unh!
Haley : Just 'cause he called you a dork-to-dork salesman?
Alex : The empire strikes back.
Manny : Raccoons have five toes.
Jay : What's that?
Manny : I don't mean to bother you. It's just confusing. The footprints in my room only have four toes.
Jay : You know, I bet I know wt happened. I'll bet he lost those toes in a fight. And that guy looked like he'd been in a brawl or two.
Manny : One toe from each foot?
Jay : Maybe. Y-you know, Manny, I think the only thing that's gonna get you to stop asking all these questions. is for you to have a little closure.
Manny : What do you mean?
Jay : Well, I'd like to throw a little memorial for Shel. It'll be good for all of us. That way, we get our grief out, and then we never have to talk about this ever... ever again.
Phil : Hi! Oh, careful, there's a thing. Ooh. That's a... good to see you.
Denise : Hi! Hi! Oh, my gosh!
Claire : Hi, I'm Claire. You must be D... o-kay. Whoa. Okay. Denise. Oh, and you're even prettier than the pictures that Phil's always posting.
Phil : Just a couple.
Denise : Shut up. Every week. He loves showing you off. My boyfriend likes your Acapulco pictures Probably a little too much.
Claire : Well, thank your boyfriend for me. Sure. Come on in. Please.
Denise : Oh, I brought you, um, Some lifting intensifier. Not that you need it. It's a limited edition, so...
Claire : Thank you. Thank you.
Phil : Oh, Denise, I think you might know these people. That's Haley... Hi. ...Alex, and...
Denise : Luke! Ohh! I had curly hair just like that when I was little.
Luke : So? That doesn't mean anything!
Claire : Why don't we, uh, come on in, have a seat? Please.
Haley : So, what was my dad like in high school?
Denise : Only the most amazing breakdancer ever.
Phil : Uh-oh. Don't fire it up. What? What? Uh-oh.
Denise : He had a boombox and a piece of cardboard in his locker. And what was your dance name?
Phil : O-zone. Yeah.
Denise : I drove him to a "star search" audition.
Phil : Which is totally political, by the way.
Haley : O-zone. That is dead-ass funny. I'm so calling you that.
Phil : Thank you.
Denise : Wow. You really lucked out. You have a beautiful wife... a gorgeous house, and those kids. I could take Luke home with me.
Claire : Well, be my guest. Seriously, you go right ahead.
Luke : No! I like it here! Unh!
Claire : Alex, honey, will you go find out what's wrong with your brother?
Alex : Okay.
Denise : You know, um, it's okay, I think I'm just gonna use the, um...
Claire : Oh, yeah, of course. Down the hall, left-hand side. You can't miss it.
Denise : Thanks.
Claire : Okay, she's fantastic.
Phil : Yes?
Claire : Yes. I feel awful. Who assumes the worst about people?
Phil : I first noticed it seven years...
Claire : You're not.
Denise : I'm such an idiot. Is it...
Phil : Oh, I'll show you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Denise : Okay. Thanks.
Denise : So, how are we gonna do this?
Phil : I-I thought I'd just point at the door, So I was thinking, like...
Denise : I was thinking, too. Here... is my hotel-room key. You can come by whenever you want.
Mitchell : It was funny that morning, huh? When I... when I pulled up next to you at that stoplight?
Mitchell’s boss : Funny?
Mitchell : Yeah. Because I was on the phone with my partner, talking about how horrible his boss was -- his. And then, uh, you pull up, so...
Mitchell’s boss : Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you. I'm getting worried they're gonna move up our court date. I-I need you to bust ass preparing. Because if they call us on Monday.... Uh, you need to get that?
Mitchell : No, no, it's... it's fine. I just, uh... picture of my daughter standing for the first time.
Mitchell’s boss : Yeah, they do that. It's a big day. Anyway, I need you here tomorrow. Now, I know it's a Sunday, but, uh, you think you can be on time, okay?
Mitchell : Actually, um... I-I have plans tomorrow. Uh, so I won't be here. I-I have plans to stay at home with my family and do absolutely nothing, okay. But I will see you on Monday. Mm-hmm.
Mitchell’s boss : So... so you're in charge now, is that it?
Mitchell : Well, I-I just figure if my daughter can stand up, then so can I.
Mitchell’s boss : All right, look... We've all been working hard lately, okay? But that's the job. So either come in tomorrow, or don't bother coming back again.
Mitchell : Okay. Hmm. Need the, uh, I.D. To...make the elevator go down to freedom! And this, to complete my set.
Manny : "Turtle. Reptile. Pet. Shel Turtlestein was many things." I don't think I can do this without crying. Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Gloria : But we want to hear it. Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember?
Jay : "Shel Turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. When I didn't get a date with Fiona Gunderson, Shel was there. when I didn't get to play the part of Tevye, Shel was there. and when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, Shel was there. I said a lot of things to my friend, but the one thing I never got to say was... Goodbye."
Manny : Manny: Stop! I know what really happened.
Jay : You do?
Manny : I left a bag of chips near my bed. The raccoon must have smelled it. It's my fault he's dead. Sorry, Shel.
Gloria : Jay, you don't have anything to say to Manny?
Jay : yeah. Manny... Shel forgives you.
Manny : Thank you.
Claire : Oh, Denise. Ha! These pictures are amazing. Thank you. Wow. Sweetie, that perm.
Phil : Technically, it's a Jheri curl. Ohh.
Denise : I just love to take pictures. I took this one of myself today.
Claire : You know what? I'm gonna open a bottle of wine!
Phil : No. No. That's the worst idea. No. No. Oh! What am I, raised by a pack of wolves? Hey, come on, now. Honey... You weren't completely wrong about Denise.
Claire : How's that?
Phil : She wants me.
Claire : To do what?
Phil : It. Her.
Claire : Oh. Oh, this is because of the thing I said about Facebook and that everybody's hooking up, And now you're disappointed.
Phil : No. She bit the air right in front of me! Like that.
Claire : What?
Phil : And then look what she tried to give me.
Denise : Anything I can help with?
Claire : No, I just... I can't find my corkscrew.
Denise: Ohh. Touch me.
Phil : O-kay. Denise, I think, somewhere along the line, you got the wrong idea.
Denise : My head is full of wrong ideas. You have such great taste, Claire.
Claire : Thank you.
Denise : I remember Phil used to have really good taste, too.
Phil : Get a little bit of this.
Claire : Oh, here it is. Phil, would you mind grabbing us a couple glasses? You betcha.
Denise : Need me to grab anything?
Phil : Nope! Okay, this is so wrong.
Denise : I know. It's way more exciting when she's in the room.
Phil : No!
Denise : I still have my cheerleader outfit.
Phil : So do I, but this still can't happen. When did that break?
Denise : Why are you wussing out?!
Phil : I never wussed in!
Denise : What about all those things you wrote on Facebook? "how was your day? My neck is so sore."
Phil : Why do people keep adding voices to these things? I didn't mean anything.
Denise : Are you telling me that I wasted a year of my life on this relationship?
Phil : What relationship?
Denise : How many other women have you led on?
Phil : Now I don't know!
Claire : Phil? Phil, honey? Do you remember when you broke your arm when we were first dating?
Phil : Yeah, uh, when I slipped on the ice.
Claire : Right. That's so weird. Because in this picture, you're sitting with Denise, and you have a broken arm, so...
Phil : Yeah. That's... that's weird.
Claire : So you were still dating her when you started dating me?
Phil : No.
Claire : Phil?
Phil : Yeah. Maybe. Just, there was a time... A little overlap when, uh, I was trying to break things off with Denise.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Denise : You took me to Santa Fe!
Claire : Santa Fe. Phil, you told me that was your father.
Phil : Okay, I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.
Denise : You know, this was a mistake. I'm gonna leave. Claire, if I were you, I would kick him out. Maybe he'd appreciate you more after he spent a lonely night in a hotel, at the Radisson, by the airport.
Cameron : You quit?!
Mitchell : Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was amazing. No, no, this is the new me, Cam. I am not letting people run my life anymore.
Cameron : I should be nervous, but I'm... I'm not. I'm excited for you.
Mitchell : Yes! It's exciting. It's exciting.
Cameron : Because you followed your heart, and that is worth celebrating.
Mitchell : Cam, I just feel...
Cameron : ha-ha!
Mitchell : ... so liberated.
Cameron : Hey!
Mitchell : And I'm not picking it up.
Cameron : Ooh! I like this guy!
Mitchell : I do, too. I mean, y-yes, we'll have to... We'll have to cut back a little bit. But isn't it worth it if you feel like you're living your life for the first time?
Cameron : Totally.
Mitchell : Oh. What were we even waiting for? You will go back to teaching music, And then I'll -- I'll just find something in a few months! And until then, all we need to do is just sit back and watch this little miracle here dazzle us. I'm tingling.
Cameron : I am, too.
Mitchell : It's like my heart is full for the first time in forever. Oh, god, it's really pounding. It's like I feel the weight of endless possibilities just sitting on my chest. She is not doing anything, Cam.
Cameron : You're not panicking, are you?
Mitchell : Of course I am panicking!
Cameron : No! Don't panic. If you panic, I panic!
Mitchell : I just quit my job! Cam!
Cameron : Oh, my god, Mitchell, I am used to nice things! What are we gonna do?!
Mitchell : Okay, no, no, just calm... calm down. This is what we're gonna do. I am going to... I'm gonna do what I'm trained to do. I am going to lie, grovel, debase myself until I get what I want. I am a lawyer, damn it.
Cameron : Mitchell! No.
Mitchell : Oh, no, you're right -- the tie.
Cameron : No, we'll... we'll find something better for you, Something that works for all of us.
Mitchell : There's no plan "B" here, Cam. We have a mortgage. We have... We have a... a child to support. I...
Cameron : Hey. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna figure it out. I just want you to be happy, and you will be happy. And that is something worth toasting.
Mitchell : Let's just drink the cheap stuff 'cause we might have to sell that bottle.
Gloria : It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, Jay?
Jay : Kids get over these things pretty quick. He's probably sleeping like a baby right now.
Gloria : I'm sure he's wide awake... full of guilt.
Jay : Well, I'm going to sleep. Damn it!
Manny : Hello, Jay.
Jay : What are you doing up?
Manny : Waiting. Waiting for what? The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it?
Jay : Oh, all right, you got me. I killed Shel. All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Manny : Why didn't you just tell me?
Jay : Cause I didn't want you to be upset with me. You and I got off to a rocky start. But lately it's been pretty good. I was afraid I'd mess all that up If you knew that I was the one that killed your pet.
Manny : Now you're the guy who killed my pet and made a stupid lie about it.
Jay : Well, I don't think it was stupid. I thought it was pretty clever. Look, I s just trying to avoid past mistakes. Look... I know I can't make things all better right now.
Manny : Maybe.
Jay : Get some rest.
Manny : Since we're confessing things... You know that scratch on your car?
Jay : The one that can't be buffed out? Yeah.
Manny : You should probably know how it happened.
Jay : I know how it happened. Raccoon did it.
Manny : Good night, Jay.
Jay : Good night, kid.
Jay : Best thing I ever did was quit a miserable job and start my own business.
Mitchell : Thanks, dad.
Jay : Now, it's not gonna be easy, But that's why Gloria and I want to give you a little something to help you through it.
Mitchell : No, dad, I can't.
Jay : No, I want to, Mitch.
Mitchell : Okay, but, I mean, a-as soon as I'm back on my feet, I-I really want to... Oh. Oh. Dad. No, you... You tried to give me this 20 years ago when my pet snake died.
Jay : I did?
Mitchell : Yes. Zsa-zsa Ga-Boa.
Cameron : Oh, that's adorable.
Gloria : And you really didn't know that he was gay?
Jay : I must have, right?
