Mitchell : What am I most afraid of? Hmm.., let's see.
Alex : Global warming. And getting a "B"
Claire : The phone ringing in the middle of the night.
Phil : That I'm too much of a perfectionist.
Claire : Honey, this isn't a job interview.
Phil : Oh, man. Job interviews.
Jay : Nothing.
Gloria : Yeah, right. What about the pigeons?
Jay : Oh, I don't like them. They're shifty.
Cameron : Losing Mitchell.
Mitchell : Oh! Hotel bedspreads.
Haley : Never getting my driver's license. Or getting one and the picture sucks.
Manny : Dying alone.
Claire : Oh, Haley, sweetie, did you find your shoes?
Haley : Mom, please, not today.
Claire : I just wanted to know if you found your shoes.
Haley : Why are you hounding me? I'm freaking out right now!
Claire : You need to relax. It's just a driver's test.
Haley : It's my third driver's test, and if I fail again, I have to wait six months to retake it. That's six more months of you driving me everywhere.
Haley : And then I'm like, "there's no way I'm wearing that." And she was like, "well, if you don't wear it, then you can't play." "like." And then I was like, "well, you know what? That's fine by me."
Claire : Honey!
Haley : "like." And she was like, "well, if you don't play, then..." "like." "like." Mom! Mom!
Claire : Stop! Stop saying "like" all the time!
Haley : You're embarrassing me! Stop it!! Like, like, like, like, like!
Claire : Aah!
Claire : Mm.
Alex : Haley, found your jacket.
Haley : Why is everyone on me?!
Alex : God!
Claire : Ignore her. She can't focus on two things at once.
Alex : Always a good quality in a driver.
Claire : Sweetie, we need to get you some shoes for the dance tonight.
Alex : No, we don't. I'm not going.
Claire : What are you talking about? Why would you not be going to the dance?
Alex : Because school dances are lame. A bunch of immature boys trying to impress you with how cool they are when they're really just a bunch of dorks.
Phil : Ready to go down under, mate?
Luke : Yes.
Alex : What are you doing?
Phil and Luke : Treasure hunting.
Claire : Wow.
Phil : a few days ago, the cable guy was under the house. When he was leaving, he said to Haley, "wow, that's quite a collection you've got down there." Here's the thing -- we have no idea what he's talking about. All week, Luke and I have been getting more and more excited about what it could be.
Luke : I bet it's really cool old magazines.
Phil : Yeah. Or a bunch of necklaces made out of animal teeth.
Luke : Or bugs frozen in amber.
Phil : What if it's really expensive bottles of wine?
Luke : Or a suit of armor.
Phil : What if there's ancient Indian arrowheads under there?
Luke : What if it's gold bars?
Phil : Oh, you think?
Claire : For god's sakes, why don't you go under the house and look?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : Hey, cam. Cam, where did we get this dolly from?
Cameron : Oh, from Janice and Olivia. They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves it.
Mitchell : It seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them.
Cameron : What, because they're lesbians? That's sort of an offensive stereotype, don't you think?
Mitchell : Yeah, I suppose. I'm sorry. Oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee maker?
Cameron : No, it was too big, they were on the motorcycle.
Cameron : We got off to an awkward start with our pediatrician, A very nice asian lady...
Mitchell : Irrelevant.
Cameron : ...Named dr. Miura, So I took the bold step of inviting her over for brunch.
Mitchell : I'm sorry, uh, "bold"?
Cameron : She said no patient had ever done it before.
Mitchell : Yeah, subtext... "this is weird."
Cameron : I didn't hear any subtext.
Mitchell : Do you hear any now?
Mitchell : I don't even know why we're doing this.
Cameron : Because what if Lily gets sick and there's a tamiflu shortage? Who do you think's gonna get that medicine? The patients she likes, that's who.
Mitchell : Well, maybe if you bake her a cake, She'll give us free x-rays.
Cameron : It's all about making connections. Why do you think the dentist gives me all that free stuff?
Mitchell : Um, because he's a huge queen and he has a big crush on you.
Cameron : Really? Do you think so?
Manny : Mom?
Gloria : Hmm?
Manny : I have a fever.
Gloria : Ay, mi amor, come here, and I feel you.
Manny : Oh, I don't want you to get you sick. It could be fatal.
Jay : Then by all means, stand next to me.
Gloria : Let me feel you. Ay, papi, but you're not warm.
Manny : Uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. I'd better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe.
Gloria : Oh, yeah, the party.
Jay : What?
Gloria : The party.
Jay : I understand about 20% of what goes on around here.
Gloria : The party is at an amusement park, And Manny is afraid of roller coasters.
Jay : Poor kid.
Gloria : I don't know where he gets his fear from, Because his father's not afraid of anything... No bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
Jay : But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come. Then you'll see fear in his eyes... Like the waiter's a ghost.
Phil : Excited?
Luke : Yeah.
Phil : We're like Ponce de Leun and his son. Little Ponce.
Luke : Who's that?
Phil : Famous treasure hunters.
Luke : His name was Ponce? He'd get made fun of at my school. They'd probably call him "pants."
Phil : Ahahaha! "Pants." Or maybe, um, "fancy Ponce."
Luke : That's a good one.
Phil : All right. Let's do this. oh, hey, wow.
Luke : You okay, dad?
Phil : Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yep. Gonna take a little more than getting trapped In a small, dark space with a wild animal to rattle your old man. All right.
Phil : You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they can grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink, so a floating rock. Let's start over. It's windy, and you've got a lot of papers.
Phil : Okay. Let's do this, buddy. Okay, good recon. Got the lay of the land, so...
Luke : Aren't we going in?
Phil : Yep. We are, but won't it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools?
Luke : I guess.
Phil : Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.
Luke : All right.
Cameron : Can I just say, that is a lovely outfit?
Dr Miura : Oh, thank you.
Cameron : Well, it's just nice to see you out of your lab coat. You actually have quite a nice figure.
Mitchell : Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.
Dr Miura : Lily looks great.
Cameron : Do you think so? Shouldn't she have more teeth? I see these kids running around at the park, and they look like sharks.
Dr Miura : Don't worry. She's perfect. Aren't you, Lily?
Mitchell : Oh, look how calm she is with you. She's usually very fidgety around new people.
Cameron : Well, I just think she senses you're gonna be a good friend for her during in good times and - and flu season.
Lily : Mommy!
Cameron : Did she just... did she just say...
Mitchell : Well! Her first word was every gay father's worst nightmare.
Cameron : Mommy.
Gloria : But I know that Manny's sad because he's missing the pa Why don't we take him somewhere to take his mind off it, hmm?
Jay : I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.
Gloria : How about we take him to the pier and go fishing, huh? Manny!
Jay : He likes to fish?
Gloria : Yeah. He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.
Jay : Manny, you like to fish?
Manny : Fishing? Yeah.
Gloria : You want to go to the pier today?
Manny : Is this a trick to see if I'm really sick?
Gloria : No, maybe the fresh air will make you feel better.
Manny : Well, then, yeah, 'cause there's no place where I'm more at one with...
Jay : Just get your coat.
Alex : Are you nervous?
Haley : Shut up, Alex.
Alex : I was just asking. I'd be nervous if I were you.
Claire : Alex, leave your sister alone. She's gonna be fine.
Haley : As long as I don't get the same guy. He's so mean!
Alex : You probably will.
Claire : You won't.
Haley : He hates me.
Claire : He doesn't hate you.
Haley : He yelled at me.
Alex : You drove into the bushes.
Haley : Oh, no, it's him. Please don't be for me. Please don't be for me. Please don't be for me. Please don't be for me. Hi. Oh, thank god.
Driving Test Man : Well, come on. I don't have all day.
Haley : I'm gonna throw up.
Claire : Okay, no. This is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get in that car, put on your seat belt, And take three deep breaths and relax. This guy sees hundreds of kids every day. He probably doesn't even remember you, all right?
Haley : Okay. Okay.
Driving Test Man : Yo! Let'move it, two strikes.
Claire : That's more than three breaths, honey.
Phil : See how much better this is? The truck goes in, it gets video, and then we get a preview of whatever's in there. How ingenious is that, huh
Luke : Are you too scared to go in?
Phil : Why would you say that?
Luke : Well, when you stuck your head in, you screamed a little.
Phil : I told you, that was the house settling. Besides, this is so much cooler. This is how NASA does it. Now, hand me the itty bitty booklight. Yeah. Final piece of the puzzle. Blast off!
Luke : Hey, dad?
Phil : Yeah?
Luke : How are you supposed to steer if you don't know where you're going?
Phil : Stay in the present, buddy. Got to do it by feel. You got to get all Jedi on it. Uh-oh.
Luke : Did you just lose my truck?
Phil : No.
Luke : You just lost my truck!
Phil : No, I didn't!
Luke : That was my truck! Grandpa just gave it to me!
Phil : I told you to stay in the present!
Luke : Stop yelling! Truce?
Phil : Yeah, sorry.
Dr Miura : This is delicious.
Cameron : Oh, thank you. The recipe's from the now-defunct gourmet magazine. Why do all the things I love go away?
Dr Miura : Look, I don't even think she said the "m" word.
Cameron : No, we heard it. It was clear as day. I-I just don't know what we've done wrong. I quit my job so I could stay at home with her, but maybe it's not enough. Maybe we're not providing her with the feminine energy that she needs.
Dr Miura : Yeah, I wouldn't be too concerned about that.
Cameron : You -- you know it's because you're Asian, right?
Mitchell : Cam!
Cameron : No, I'm sorry. What, am I just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room.
Dr Miura : Pandas are from china. I -- well, it doesn't matter.
Mitchell : Okay, okay, um, I think what my hysterical partner is just trying to say... And if I may... That for the first six months of her life. Lily was raised by very loving Asian women in an orphanage, with whom she clearly bonded, you know. And then suddenly you come in with all of your... Asian-ness and… and… and breasts and womb, lady bits, And it … it all just comes rushing back to… to her, And...
Dr Miura : You guys are overreacting. I'm sure Lily just strung a couple of random syllables together and they happened to sound something like that word, But that's all.
Cameron : Do... do you really think that?
Mitchell : Of course! Yeah, she... she's right. She's right. We're being ridiculous.
Cameron : We're being ridiculous. Your daddies are being ridiculous.
Lily : Mommy!
Cameron : Okay.
Dr Miura : Mr. Tucker?
Cameron : No, no, she's - she's - she's made her choice. She's made her choice.
Driver Test Man : Uh, left turn.
Haley : Here?
Driver Test Man : At the intersection, yeah.
Haley : Okay.
Driver Test Man : Left.
Haley : What?
Driver Test Man : I said, "left." you're going right.
Haley : Wait! No, wait! I'm trying, okay?!
Driver Test Man : Pull over.
Haley : No, I can do this!
Driver Test Man : Pull over now! Why are you crying?
Haley : why do you hate me?
Driver Test Man : Oh, hell. Haley, I don't hate you. You seem like a nice girl. You remind me of my daughter, which is why I want you to live a long and happy life and be safe, and not hurt my daughter.
Haley : I really want my license. I've been practicing a lot, I swear.
Driver Test Man : You gonna drink and drive?
Haley : No, sir.
Driver Test Man : You gonna text and drive?
Haley : No, sir.
Driver Test Man : All right. Let's start this from the beginning.
Haley : Could you smile first? I'll be less nervous if you smile. Okay, that didn't help.
Driver Test Man : Just go.
Manny : Today feels like a good day for halibut. Hey, Jay, did I ever tell you about the time I used peanut butter and jelly for bait and I caught a thresher shark?
Jay : I don’t know, you tell me a lot of funny things.
Manny : Why are we going this way?
Gloria : It's just another way to .
Manny : Uh-oh. Something's going on.
Jay : What are you talking about?
Manny : Wake up, old man. She's trying to get me on that roller coaster.
Jay : No, she's not.
Gloria : Yes, I am.
Jay : What?
Manny : Told you.
Gloria : Manny, you have to face your fears.
Jay : What? That's why we're here? But why didn't you let me in on your little plan?
Gloria : Because you're the worst liar. He would have seen right through you.
Manny : I don't want to go on the roller coaster.
Gloria : Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, But now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary.
Manny : What if I fall out?
Gloria : I will catch you.
Jay : That's not possible. He would crush you.
Manny : W-what if I throw up?
Gloria : I will clean it up. It wouldn't be the first time.
Jay : Ah, geez, these are new shoes.
Manny : You're not gonna let up, are you?
Gloria : Baby, I think you know the answer.
Manny : Fine, let's get it over with.
Gloria : That's my boy!
Gloria : Vamos, Jay.
Jay : No, I'm not going on that. That's bad for my back.
Gloria : Your back is fine.
Jay : Yeah, I got an inner-ear thing.
Gloria : Oh, please. Don't tell me you're scared, too.
Jay : Scared? What - what is this scared stuff? What... what am I, a child? I'm not scared.
Gloria : You see? You're the worst liar.
Manny : Well, if he's not going, I'm not going.
Gloria : Oh, for god's sake, fine. I'll go alone. Here, take my girly purse. And you, my floppy hat. And if you need it, there's the ladies' room.
Manny : I'm not man enough to fight this. Here, hold my purse.
Jay : Oh, hell!
Alex : What is taking them so long?
Claire : I don't know. The only reason I'm not panicking is a giant geiser. You know, honey, I think I know why you don't want to go tonight.
Alex : Because school dances are lame?
Claire : No, 'cause you don't know how to dance.
Alex : That's not it.
Claire : I can help you with that. Come on.
Alex : Oh, god. No!
Claire : Come on.
Alex : No! Mom!
Claire : Oh, yeah, back in the day, I was quite the dancer.
Alex : Oh, my god, you and dad together suddenly makes so much sense. Mom! Mom, stop! Stop! Please, stop. I know how to dance. I just don't want to be part of that freak show.
Claire : Sweetheart, you're a beautiful girl, someone will ask you to dance.
Alex : I know that. It's just stupid.
Claire : Somebody will ask you.
Alex : Why do you keep saying that?
Claire : Somebody will ask you.
Alex : But what if they don't?
Claire : Honey, if they don't, then you do the exact same thing I told your sister, okay? Take three deep breaths and relax.
Alex : Even the advice I get is a hand-me-down.
Haley : Mom, I did it! I passed!
Claire : Aah! Oh, my god!
Haley : I got my license! I got my license! I got my license!
Claire : Haley, car's not in park. Oh, oops. You better run to that counter. Go. Run! Run! Right now!
Luke : I still can't believe you lost my truck.
Phil : It's gone, buddy. Let it go. You know, maybe it's better we don't solve this little mystery. Sometimes treasure's more sparkly in your imagination, where it could be gold or baseball cards or pirate maps.
Luke : Do you really think there could be pirate maps under there?
Phil : I'm 100% sure it's possible.
Luke : All right. I'm going in.
Phil : What? Really? Buddy?
Luke : Whoa!
Phil : What do you see?
Luke : Nothing. It's really dark in here. Wait a minute. I think I see my truck. It's right over there by the... uh-oh.
Phil : What?
Luke : I-I think I'm stuck.
Phil : How are you stuck?
Luke : My belt loop got caught on a pipe, and it's hot!
Phil : Have you tried wiggling?
Luke : Dad! It's hot! Hurry!
Phil : I'm coming, buddy!
Luke : And hurry! There are spiders in here!
Phil : Oh! Coming!
Cameron : And I'm sorry if we got all weird in there.
Dr Miura : Oh, it was fine.
Mitchell : Well, we'd like to say it's different than how it usually is, but you've seen us enough to know that that's not true.
Dr Miura : Guys, listen. I had a very complicated relationship with my mother. She was born in Japan crazy-traditional. She didn't want me to become a doctor. She wanted me to get married and have kids. But my father... we would talk, and he would actuallly listen to what I wanted. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, having a mother isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
Cameron : Ohh
Mitchell : Thank you.
Dr Miura : And if you ask me, Having two fathers who care as much as you do makes lily the luckiest little girl in the world.
Cameron : Oh, thank you so much.
Mitchell : Thank you. Thank you for that. That's very sweet. Thanks. Thank you.
Cameron : And how are things with you and your mom now?
Dr Miura : ugh. The only way she'll be happy is if I'm some Asian stereotype, But that just isn't me. I didn't see those!
Phil : I'm coming, buddy!
Luke : Over here.
Phil : That's a spider web. Oh, god.
Phil : My boy was in trouble, So I put my fears aside, and I came to his rescue. Now, does that make me a hero? Yes, it does.
Phil : Everything's gonna be okay. Hey, everything's gonna be okay. There!
Luke : Thanks, dad.
Phil : Hey, just what dads do. Let's get out of here.
Luke : I want my truck.
Phil : Really?
Luke : It was a Christmas gift! Could you go get it?
Phil : Yeah. Yeah, sure. Scoot. Scoot through. There it is. Got it. You okay?
Luke : Yeah. Are you okay?
Phil : You know what? I am okay. Hey! Hey. we did it!
Luke : Whoo-hoo!
Phil : What the heck? We're down here. Why don't we see what we got, huh?
Luke : Yeah.
Phil : Two intrepid explorers... Make their way on a journey...
Luke : Dead bodies!!
Phil : We called the police and got a bunch of detectives over. Turns out it was the last owner's Halloween decorations, Which is pretty funny. At least, I thought it was. Everybody's afraid of something, right? Heights, clowns, tight spaces.
Gloria : You like it, jay?
Manny : I did it! Whoo!
Phil : Those are things you get over, But then there's our children. Will they fit in? Will they be safe? Those are fears you never get past. So, sometimes, all you can do is take a deep breath. Pull them close, and hope for the best.
Haley : Bye!
Claire : Eyes on the road!
Haley : Love you!
Claire : Eyes on the road!
Haley : Whoo-hoo!
Claire : Oh, god!
Phil : I mean, things don't always work out.
Mitchell : Oh, Cam, I think she wants her doll.
Cameron : I don't know where it is.
Doll : Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Cameron : When you squeeze the doll, it says, "mommy."
Mitchell : Did -- did you know that -
Cameron : No clue.
Mitchell : The doll says, "mommy." The doll says, "mommy. "
Cameron : The doll says, "mommy!"
Phil : But you got to love it when they do.
Luke : Hey dad? Mom says there's an old trunk in the attic.
Phil : Oh, yeah, my grandpa's old steamer trunk.
Luke : In this movie I saw, there was this old trunk, And there was a secret compartment, And when you opened it, there was a whole bunch of paintings by the world's greatest painters hidden in the war.
Phil : My grandpa was in the war.
Luke : Should we go up there?
Phil : Totally. It could also be diamonds.
Luke : Or a samurai sword.
Phil : Or the declaration of independence. You know, it almost doesn't even matter what's up there. What matters is what you do with the money from what's up there.
Luke : We could get a motorboat.
Phil : Or a robotic gutter cleaner.
Luke : Or an indoor pool.
Phil : Or a two-man submarine.
