Phil : Happy valentine's day.
Claire : Oh, happy valentine's day. Aw.
Claire & Phil : Ohh!
Claire : Mwah. So, Fratelli's tonight?
Phil : Hello, cannoli canoe.
Jay : I like it. Nice fit. Swanky material.
Gloria : Jay, you look so strong and sexy, Like an Olympic wrestler but with money.
Jay : Your turn.
Gloria : Okay. It's my favorite day in America!
Jay : Happy valentine's day, gorgeous.
Gloria : They're huge! Oh, my god!
Jay : Yeah, those will work.
Gloria : Beautiful.
Jay : You can wear them tonight. I have a surprise.
Gloria : Don't tell me, you're finally taking me salsa dancing! And who's David Brenner?
Jay : Only a Vegas legend.
Gloria : Is he a magician? 'Cause I love magicians.
Jay : He's a comedian.
Gloria : A comedian... It's Valentine’s Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.
Jay : You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious!
Gloria : Okay. Tell me one of his jokes.
Jay : Well, he doesn't do jokes.
Gloria : Does he have a mallet?
Jay : No.
Gloria : So, then, how does he get hit in the head?
Jay : He doesn't get "hit in the head." He... he makes observations He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on, he's been on "Johnny Carson" a hundred times.
Gloria : Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay : Oh, for God's sake.
Jay : Gloria and I are from different generations, And I won't lie... it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria : No, I didn't.
Jay : It was a joke.
Gloria : I don't get it.
Jay : Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria : Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
Mitchell : Just stay in Northern Cal... Did you indicate to her... ...How long that you were gonna take?
Cameron : Happy valentine's day.
Mitchell : Happy valentine's day.
Cameron : "happy valentine's day, daddy."
Mitchell : Happy valentine's day, Lily.
Cameron : Notice anything different?
Mitchell : Oh, that is cute.
Cameron : "cute"? We spent a lot of time on this.
Mitchell : I don't see how. You just cut up one of your boas.
Cameron : Actually, no, we repurposed it. It was sort of a "Bob Mackie meets Martha Stewart" project. Okay, well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise.
Mitchell : Well, it's hardly a surprise. I mean, you dress her up for every holiday. I was giving her a bath last night, and I still saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.
Cameron : All right, not in the spirit. We get it.
Mitchell : No, I'm s... I'm sorry. No, it's adorable. I just... I'm really nervous about my closing argument.
Cameron : Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks. You're gonna be great.
Mitchell : Let's hope so.
Cameron : Hey, and I was wondering... Since you're gonna be in court all day...
Mitchell : Yeah, you can open the chocolates.
Cameron : Score!
Claire : Hi, Dylan.
Dylan : Happy valentine's day, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire : Oh! Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.
Dylan : You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old.
Claire : Huh. Conflicted.
Haley : Hey, baby!
Dylan : Hey. Take this sweet gift as a token of my affection, My unending love and admiration.
Haley : Oh, my god! Yay, it's big! Oh my god I love it, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!
Dylan : Well, seriously you got to put a black light on it. It'll blow your mind.
Claire : Wow. Dylan, I didn't know you could paint.
Dylan : Oh, I didn't. I just took a photo, and I put it through this program that turns it into a painting.
Claire : Oh! Oh. So you two a-actually did... that.
Haley : Uh-huh.
Claire : Yeah. Okay.
Haley : Let's go put this over my bed.
Claire : No. No, no. You don't need to. At all. I'll take it.
Phil : Did he trump me? D-money. You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have handpicked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fratelli's, a family-style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row. Yeah, he got me. He got me.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Phil : Bye, honey.
Claire : See you later.
Phil : See you later.
Claire : Phil, what is that?
Phil : You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's tonight.
Claire : Okay, what do you have in mind?
Phil : Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at a hotel.
Claire : I would. But would you and the kids be okay?
Phil : I meant together.
Claire : I know.
Phil : Oh.
Claire : I know. I know. I got it.
Phil : So... What do you think?
Claire : I think you're not getting any sleep tonight. So you might want to take a nap at work today.
Phil : I always do.
Claire : Phil? Sweetie. As long as we're talking about being a little bit... naughty, What would you say to a little... role playing?
Phil : Role playing?
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : I'm in.
Claire : I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.
Phil : And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.
Claire : No, no. Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there?
Phil : Careful, lady, you're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant. Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby, an English gentleman in town for a polo match.
Claire : Phil.
Phil : Or honorable businessman from Hong Kong...
Claire : You're kinda wrecking it.
Phil : Oh. It's not a big deal, Claire. I just train tigers for a living. Too... no?
Claire : No.
Mitchell : Are these rose petals?
Cameron : Yes, to commemorate our love.
Mitchell : I had to settle.
Cameron : Well, your mom might think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch.
Mitchell : No, the case. I-I was this close to nailing it, And then my client gets scared and settles.
Cameron : I'm sorry. Maybe you'd like a chocolate. Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.
Mitchell : There were two levels. You know it, and I know it. This is so frustrating. I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all time... All about the big government rolling over the little guy. And I even had this great moment at the end where I would point to the state seal and I'd say, "shame!"
Cameron : Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower. I was a little worried. Um, that's Manny. I said we would watch him tonight. I hope you don't mind. I didn't know you were gonna be going through all this.
Mitchell : No, it's fine. It might be nice to have him around. He always makes me laugh.
Cameron : Hi, Manny!
Manny : The universe is cold and loveless.
Cameron : Uh-oh. Bad valentine's day?
Manny : I went for the gold... Fiona Gunderson. I poured my heart and soul into a poem, Left it on her desk. I even burned the edges to make it look fancy.
Cameron : And she didn't like it?
Manny : Oh, she loved it. But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.
Mitchell : Well, Manny, why didn't you just tell her the truth?
Manny : She was already gone. And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great shakes.
Cameron : How do you know all this?
Manny : I invited her in the poem. Right after the line of, "my love is deeper than the great lakes."
Cameron : : Okay, well, this is unacceptable.
Mitchell : : Oh, here we go.
Cameron : No, it's not that big of a deal. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna shoot over to great shakes, We're gonna get a table, Manny can reclaim the love of his life. You and I can get a couple mudslides.
Manny : I don't know. Durkas is gonna be there. I've seen the kid do a pull-up.
Cameron : Hey, Manny, it's valentine's day. It's not the day you run away from love. It's the day you track it down, tie it up, and take it home. Now, if we can pull this off, you and your little lady friend will be belly up to an ice-cream counter, having a milkshake with two straws. What do you say?
Manny : I like it.
David Brenner : Thank you. Thank you. Scientists, they don't know why this is true, but it's true. Women with big rear ends live longer. Men who tell them that, don't. Did you read about this man... The 91-year-old bank robber in Texas? He goes into a bank, you know. "What the hell did I want?" They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping from the bank.
Jay : See? He's funny, huh?
Phil : Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire : Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, are you in town for a convention, or do you... just forget your name a lot?
Phil : Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers.
Claire : Wow, that is very... specific.
Phil : It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Claire : Hmm.
Phil : Two, please. So, what's your story? The miss America pageant in town?
Claire : Well, you're pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil : I'm pretty smooth all over.
Claire : Oh.
Waitress : Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil : Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smok...
Claire : You're quite the boy scout, Clive. Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil : I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire : Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil : Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire : Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil : Because she's always so tired, and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire : Maybe if you did them, she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil : Oh, no, she can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire : Unh-unh. I want to go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil : I-I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire : Yeah. So, if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil : Because... I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going... to do to you?
Claire : Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.
Cameron : Do you have eyes on her? Is she here?
Manny : 2:00... the blonde at the back table.
Cameron : Yep. Have a visual.
Mitchell : Let's not talk like that anymore. Over.
Manny : Okay, this is it. I'm off to win the heart of my beloved.
Cameron : Well, this is nice. I mean, if we can't have our own valentine's day, It's nice that we can give somebody else one.
Mitchell : All right, Cam... I'm sorry. I'm so... I'm sorry I have not been attentive. I've been spending the last five months pouring my core beliefs into the greatest speech that I will ever write, And then that moment gets taken away.
Cameron : Hey, buddy, how'd it go?
Manny : I can't do it. Not while Durkas is there. He has the natural confidence. I admire it and fear it.
Cameron : We will deal with him directly. We need a plan.
Mitchell : Could you be more dramatic?
Cameron : we need a plan!
David Brenner : In Oregon, the state legislature ratified a bill that from now on it is a crime to have sex in Oregon with a farm animal. How ugly are the women in Oregon?
Gloria : He's funny, Jay.
Jay : I know.
David Brenner : See? I can tell... you're not... you're not from Oregon.
Gloria : No, no.
David Brenner : You... you are gorgeous.
Gloria : Thank you.
David Brenner : Thank you for bringing your father to the show.
Jay : I'm... I'm her husband, Dave.
David Brenner : No kidding?
Jay : Yeah.
David Brenner : What's it like to be married to someone who was there when the bible was written? What was it called then, just "the testament"?
Jay : That's... that's good stuff.
David Brenner : Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light.
Durkas : Hello?
Cameron : Uh, yes, hello. Mr. Durkas?
Durkas : Yeah?
Cameron : Uh, yeah, this is Don Jolly With the great shakes corporate office, And I have good news for you. You have been selected to take part in a random survey that you could win cash and prizes. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?
Durkas : Yeah. Sure.
Cameron : Okay, just a few simple questions for you. Would you please rank your favorite ice creams at great shakes from least favorite to favorite?
Durkas : I don't know them by heart.
Cameron : There should be a menu right there to your right. To your right. Mm-hmm. There you go.
Fiona : Oh. Hi, Manny.
Manny : Hi, Fiona. Can I join you?
Fiona : I guess so.
David Brenner : And you don't have to worry about him cheating... That's for sure... Because if he does, you'll catch him when he comes home with two sets of teeth in his mouth.
Jay : Yeah.
David Brenner : So, tell me, on the wedding night, what did he do? Did he say he wanted to change into something comfortable and go into a coma?
Jay : Ah, ah... Listen, I got to use the men's room.
Gloria : No.
Jay : I got to use... I'll be right back.
David Brenner : Where you going? Wait a minute. I'm only joking. That's what I do. You know, you're way younger than I am. You just don't look it.
Claire : Clive. I have a little something for you.
Phil : What is it?
Claire : My dress.
Phil : Oh...
Claire : My bra.
Phil : Oh, my g...
Claire : My underwear.
Phil : My god.
Claire : Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs?
Phil : This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.
Claire : Mmm.
Durkas : Chocolate.
Cameron : Uh-huh. Go on.
Durkas : Vanilla.
Cameron : I'm taking copious notes. Keep going, Mr. Durkas.
Fiona : So, why would ted say he wrote the poem if he didn't?
Manny : Maybe because you're the cutest girl in school and you have a laugh that makes science lab seem like recess.
Cameron : Would you be more or less inclined to visit a great shakes establishment if you knew your satisfaction was guaranteed?
Durkas : That's a dumb question.
Cameron : Excuse me, it is not a dumb question, mister... Tarnation. He hung up.
Mitchell : Then you can drop the accent.
Durkas : Delgado. What are you doing here?
Manny : Discussing poetry. Maybe you'll like to recite some of yours?
Durkas : I'm not gonna recite anything.
Manny : Just admit... you didn't write the poem.
Durkas : I don't know what he's talking about. Get out of here before you get your butt kicked.
Cameron : I'm going over there.
Mitchell : No, I got this. Whoa! Whoa! Sir. Sir? Turn around. Sir... You have no right to claim ownership of another person's work.
Durkas : Who are you?
Mitchell : I'm a lawyer.
Durkas : You have a lawyer?
Mitchell : It is one thing to lie, But then to bully this young man... It's unforgivable. And this is wh wrong with the world today. The big guy... Until the little guy says "enough." And that what this little guy's doing, Right here, right now.
Manny : Could we stop calling me "little guy"? I'm in the 40th percentile.
Mitchell : Shh, I got this. Okay, thank you. Ted Durkas... Clearly did not write that poem. I know it. He knows it. Deep down in your heart, Fiona... ...You know it, too. Shame!
Durkas : Fine! Whatever. I stole the stupid poem!
Fiona : You did?
Manny : I told you.
Cameron : There you go.
Durkas : I only did it because... I had the feelings. I just didn't know how to show them.
Fiona: Really? That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Manny : You've got to be kidding me. Let's get out of here. This chick's crazy.
Cameron : Seriously. I've never seen you like that.
Mitchell : You have no idea how good that felt.
Cameron : Well, happy valentine's day, counselor.
Phil : This is all happening so fast, Juliana.
Claire : I know. And I have to be home to my husband by midnight.
Phil : Ooh, a twist.
Claire : Phil! Phil? My coat is stuck!
Phil : Who's Phil?
Claire : No, not now. Seriously, my coat is stuck!
Phil : Oh, honey, take off your coat!
Claire : Are you kidding me?! Pull it.
Phil : Oh, my goodness.
Claire : Pull it. Not good. Not good. Not good! Not... Okay. Okay. Okay.
Phil : Come on up. Treat 'em like they're regular stairs.
Claire : It's okay.
Phil : Come on through. Happy valentine's day. You look lovely. So do you. Not in a weird way. Let met just get in here. Let me get in here.
Claire : Okay.
Tom : Phil?
Phil : Hey, Tom!
Tom : Hi.
Phil : How are you? Honey, Claire, you remember Tom Mickelson from the office, and his wife, Susan.
Claire : Hi. I do. Hey.
Tom : Is your coat stuck?
Claire : It is. It really is.
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : It's in there pretty darn good.
Tom : why don't you take it off?
Claire : Um...I'm freezing cold.
Tom : Well, at least let me give it a shot, okay?
Claire : Oh, I don't think...
Tom : No, no, no, no, I got it. I...
Principal Balaban : Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy?
Phil : Hey!
Claire : Principal Balaban! Hey. How are you?
Principal Balaban : Hi. Who's, uh, Clive Bixby?
Phil : Oh. Uh... He makes speakers. He's actually in town for a trade show.
Claire : Phil.
Principal Balaban : Oh...My. Are you stuck?
Claire : Yeah, I am. A...Little bit.
Principal Balaban : Why don't you take off that coat?
Claire : Um, I'm chilly.
Tom : It's really jammed in here.
Principal Balaban : Let me...
Phil : Oh, no, I think we're okay.
Miss Passwater : Mrs. Dunphy!
Claire : Oh! Are you kidding me?! Hi! Luke's math teacher, miss Passwater!
Phil : "Passwater."
Gloria : Oh, Jay, papi. Don't pay attention to what he's saying. He's just being funny.
Jay : Because he points out the truth. Those people were laughing because they saw it, too.
Gloria : What do you care what they think?
Jay : I don't. I care what you think.
Gloria : I love you. You're my valentine.
Jay : Yeah, for now. But what about when I'm 80 and I' a wheelchair, on oxygen? You still gonna want me?
Gloria : Do you think I'm so shallow that I'm gonna leave you when you're old? What if I gain 100 pounds? You gonna leave me then?
Jay : No!
Gloria : What's with the pause?!
Jay : Well, it's not exactly fair. I mean, I have to get old. You don't have to get fat.
Gloria : If I want to get fat, I get fat.
Jay : Okay, fine. And if you do, I'll be there. You'll see.
Gloria : Oh, yeah, watch me. Watch me how I get fat! I can get fat.
Jay : And I'll be there.
Gloria : Mm. Good. You want to go back in?
Jay : No. I got a better idea. Let's go salsa dancing. This guy's not that funny.
Gloria : Perfect.
Phil : We're good! We're good! I talked to maintenance. They're... they're coming, so go on ahead.
Claire : Oh.
Phil : See you guys. See you later. See you at school? Good to see you guys. Maintenance is gonna take care of it. So we're fine.
Claire : Okay. Okay, how long till they get here?
Phil : I was faking it. No one's coming for us.
Claire : Well, then, go and get them! Hurry! That was the most embarrassing moment of my life!
Jay : Claire! Phil! Stand by.
Phil: Hey.
Jay : What? Did you get your belt stuck?
Claire : I did. Yeah. Yeah.
Jay : Well, take your coat off. Here, let me help you.
Claire : No, no, dad, dad...
Jay : Come on, what are you, naked under there? Oh, geez.
Gloria : It's okay. I got this.
Phil : O...Kay.
Gloria : Claire, follow my lead, okay?
Claire : Okay. Okay. Wow. Okay. Thank you.
Gloria : It has happened to me before.
Phil : That was impressive.
Jay : Take it down a notch, "Clive." You okay?
Claire : Yeah, I'm good.
Phil : All right. Happy valentine's day.
Claire : Happy valentine's day.
Phil : See ya.
Gloria : Bye.
Jay : Good night.
Phil : Oh. Sorry. See you guys.
Claire : Hi, honey.
Phil : Hey. I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night.
Claire : Uh, Phil...
Phil : Sorry I got the, um, the oil everywhere, but, hey...
Claire : Sweetie...
Phil : They're not our sheets, right?
Claire : Honey, honey, remember when the salesman told us that the sienna was built with the whole family in mind?
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : Well, the whole family just heard that.
Phil : Uh, well, I guess... I guess the bluetooth works.
Claire : Mm.
Luke : Why did you have oil?
Phil : Because, buddy, we... we were making French fries!
Alex : In your room?
Claire : Why don't you guys pop in a DVD ?
