Claire : Hmm, these pancakes smell great.
Phil : What are you doing with those?
Alex : Luke and I are doing a recycling drive. If we collect enough bottles, they build a school in Africa.
Luke : Wouldn't that be so cool to go to a school made out of bottles?
Alex : That would certainly be a special school. Did you hear what I said, parents... "special school"?
Haley : Okay. Nobody make a big deal about it, but I just broke up with Dylan.
Phil : No!
Claire : Oh, my gosh. Are you okay, honey?
Haley : Yeah, I'm fine. I just... I need to date someone who has a clue, instead of an idiot who bangs his head every time he rides his bike out of his garage. Every time.
Phil : I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry for both of you. I'll have to text him later.
Claire : Mm. I got to jump in the shower. I'm gonna be late.
Luke : Where are you going?
Claire : I'm going to meet my friend Valerie. I haven't seen her in 15 years. We used to work together.
Luke : You worked?
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Luke : I can't imagine you working.
Phil : Luke, let me tell you something. That is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard... Just now, she works for us.
Claire : I will have you know that I had quite the little career going. I was an account manager at Starcrest Hotels. I had a little cubicle, And I... and I wore my tennis shoes to work and changed into my work pumps. It was very "working girl."
Phil : That's movie's so cl.
Claire : Mm-hmm. I don't mind saying, I was making quite a splash.
Alex : Well, then, why'd you quit?
Claire : Well, Haley, call me old-fashioned, But I wanted to focus on raising a family, so...I married your dad.
Phil : And five months later, we... Were...Four months away from having this little bundle of joy.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Gloria : There's my lawyer!
Mitchell : Gloria got into a little car accident, So my dad asked me to help her out. And, uh, this is the first time that my dad's asked me for legal advice, and it's... it's nice. It's nice to know that he respects me in that way.
Cameron : Well, Mitchell is an amazing lawyer. My dream for him is that one day he'll be on the supreme court.
Mitchell : Why, Cam?
Cameron : So at parties, I can tell everyone my partner is one of the Supremes.
Cameron : There he is! The steely, grizzled veteran ready to do battle with the plucky upstart. Speed versus grace. Brute force versus...
Jay : Let's just do this.
Cameron : Jay and I are both gym rats. I love the sauna that's the dry heat... And the steam... wet. And, of course, I am just a kook for racquetball... Club champ two years in a row, Tonganoxie, Missouri, rec center. So, naturally, Jay and I have been trying for month to get together to bang the old hollow rubber ball around.
Jay : I have been avoiding this day like the plague. I mean, part of going to the gym is the locker-room atmosphere. And if I'm there with a gay guy, it's just not gonna be the same. I mean, for me, it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom. She doesn't get it.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Phil : * I'll let you see my scar * What the hell?
Phil : Some people call me a salesman. I call myself a "salesfriend." So, obviously, I need strangers to trust me. I don't take kindly to it when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.
Phil : Phil Dunphy.
Barbara : Phil, it's Barbara. The Pattersons want to back out of the deal.
Phil : Why?! What happened?!
Barbara : The wife's getting cold feet. I told her to call you.
Phil : Okay. Fine. I'll handle it. I'm not losing this sale!
Barbara : By the way...
Phil : I've spend way too much time on it.
Barbara : Um, Phil, do you take Elm when you come to...
Phil : I saw it, Barbara.
Cameron : It's a terrific gym, Jay. Very liberal with the towels. I love that.
Jay : Showers are private, in case you're wondering.
Cameron : I wasn't, but thanks for the heads-up. Now, that's a surprise... boxers.
Jay : Is that necessary?
Cameron : Well, I just always pictured you as a tighty-whitey guy
Jay : Well, do me a favor the next time you picture me, leave the underwear out of it.
Cameron : Well, don't you worry. The only thing I'm picturing is how clean the floor is gonna be When I'm done mopping it with you.
Jay : Is that the best you can do? 'cause it's gonna take a little more than some lame trash talk to get me out of my... Gah! What the hell was that?!
Cameron : Our butts pressed against each other.
Jay : They didn't press. It was glancing. Stop talking about it!
Cameron : Oh, come on. All the time you've spent in the locker room, this can't be your first moon landing.
Jay : You got a name for it?
Cameron : It's very common. You got off easy. At least it didn't happen after a shower.
Jay : Enough.
Cameron : We call that a splashdown.
Jay : That's it. I'm changing in the stall. Excuse me!
Dylan : I saw the picture, Dylan. You had your arm around her with that humpy look you get! No, that's not always how you look! We're over!
Phil : So, I'd really like to talk to you, Mrs. Patterson and see if we can't turn this thing around. Uh, you've got my number. Thank you.
Haley : I said we are over. Why don't you go out for a nice bike ride?!
Phil : Dylan again, huh? Some guys just do not know how to play it.
Haley : Dad, what are you doing?
Phil : Oh, right. Just, uh, test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.
Phil : Do people want their real-estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies are coming back in a big way. Buy low, sell high. People are gonna see this and say, "that guy's high."
Construction guy : Sorry to bother you, sir. We're doing work next door and nicked a main, so we're gonna have to shut down your water.
Phil : Oh, okay. No problem.
Construction guy : Yeah, it shouldn't be too long. And if you happen to need it, there's a port-a-potty out front.
Phil : Thanks. Yeah. Hey. Nice mustache.
Construction guy : yeah, man. You too, brother.
Phil : "you too, brother."
Claire : Haley... she's the oldest, 15. And then Alex is 13. And that's my baby, Luke. He's 11. Can you believe it?
Valerie : Oh, my god. They're gorgeous. Yeah. And things are still good with "Phil the thrill?"
Claire : Yes. Things are great... great with him.
Valerie : I'm so happy for you. Really. I'm so... I'm so happy that you're happy.
Claire : Thank you. Well, and you, too. I mean, your life is...
Valerie : No, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about you.
Claire : Okay
Valerie : Because, you know, you're... You chose the...Mother. You're the mommy, the yomm y-mommy-mama person.
Claire : Uh-huh. Kind of squeezing the ring right into my finger.
Valerie : Was I?
Claire : A little.
Valerie : I'm so sorry.
Claire : And just then, it hit me. She was jealous of me. Yes, there had always been a little bit of a competition between us. This was more serious. She was looking at my life as something that she'd always wanted... but never had.
Claire : So, how's life in the trenches?
Valerie : You know, you still got the bastards on the 23rd floor making life miserable for all the people actually doing the work.
Claire : Same as ever, right?
Valerie : One... one difference. Mm-hmm. I'm one of them bastards now.
Claire : Wait, you're on the 23rd floor?
Valerie : Well, I'm on the 24th floor.
Claire : Wow, that's insane.
Valerie : It's... it's no big deal. I mean, if you hadn't left, it probably would have been you.
Gloria : I was driving along this street. The cars were parked just like this, And... boom!... Out of nowhere, he hits me.
Mitchell : Okay, so, he... he cut you off.
Gloria : Yes.
Mitchell : Right.
Gloria : A crazy driver.
Mitchell : You know, I used to be a little bit like that. I don't know, maybe it's because of Lily, But I've definitely become more considerate. Like, I used to never let people in, and now I do. I'm just now getting that metaphor. Okay.
Gloria : So, what do you think?
Mitchell : Were there any witnesses?
Gloria : No, just Manny. He was in the back seat.
Manny : It all happened so fast, just like they say.
Mitchell : Yeah. All right, well, this is what we're gonna do. I'll take a few pictures, and then we'll sit down and write a statement.
Gloria : Perfect. I'll go and get us a table.
Mitchell : All right.
Gloria : Manny, come.
Manny : Uh, just a minute, mom. I need to tie my shoe.
Gloria : Okay.
Manny : Mitchell.
Mitchell : Yeah?
Manny : Don't talk. Listen. It was her fault.
Mitchell : I'm... I'm sorry, what?
Manny : Don't look at me. Do something. Take pictures.
Gloria : Manny! What kind of cupcake do you want?
Manny : Uh, that's okay! I'm not hungry! That was a mistake. Now she'll know something's up.
Mitchell : Are you okay?!
Manny : I'm fine! She cut that guy off. She's a terrible driver. She's a danger to us all.
Mitchell : Okay. Wait. Now stop. I-I thought she said he was parked and then he cut her off.
Manny : Everybody looks parked When you're going 100 miles an hour!
Mitchell : Manny, why didn't you speak up?
Manny : She can't take criticism about her driving. Once, an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk. She honked so long the horn ran out.
Gloria : Manny!
Manny : I've said too much already.
Mitchell : Are you hearing this?
Jay : Aah...
Cameron : Point.
Jay : Hinder! Aah! Boom! Lucky shot!
Cameron : That is game! And, I believe, match.
Jay : Yep. Fine. You won. But, you know, what do you expect? For the first half of the game, I was distracted by what happened in the locker room.
Cameron : And you're sure it's not because I'm a fabulous racquetball player?
Jay : You're average, but I was a little thrown by you touching me, which is unnatural. Not to you, of course. No, to you, it's like rocket fuel.
Cameron : Oh, sure. When you're gay, you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It's like a high-five. It a low-two.
Jay : You know what? I'm gonna prove that you won only because I was distracted. We're gonna have a rematch right here, right now.
Cameron : Do you want to go up against me again?
Jay : Yes. No! Damn it! Hello!
Mitchell : Hey, dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault?
Jay : Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, But she's a horrible driver. If she hit 10 cars, I wouldn't be surprised.
Mitchell : If you knew that it was her fault, Why did you get me involved?
Jay : Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.
Mitchell : That's great. I... Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as lawyer, And, really, you're just throwing me to the wolves.
Jay : Can't it be both?
Mitchell : Okay, dad, it doesn't it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son's the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife?
Jay : Go get 'em, rocky. See you later.
Cameron : Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room!
Jay : What's the matter with you?
Claire : What about you? I mean, did you ever get serious with anyone?
Valerie : Thank you. Oh, no. Not yet.
Claire : Ohh. Honey, you will.
Valerie : Oh, no. I hope not. It's... it's fun. I'm sorry. I'm just I'm waiting for some news.
Claire : What news?
Valerie : I'm... I'm up for the Paris job.
Claire : The... the head of the international division?! That's... that's... that's crazy.
Valerie : Yeah, no, I mean, I'll never get it, but it'd be great, 'cause... Well, 'cause one of my lovers lives in Paris.
Claire : Oh. I-I don't know what jumps out of that sentence more, you know, "lovers" or "one of."
Valerie : Well, I'm single. I mean, it's kind of what you do.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Valerie : I have one in Paris.
Claire : Oh.
Valerie : Um, I have Paris, New York, Miami... I have a fourth one. I'm forgetting my lover. I'm forgetting my lover.
Claire : Last night, I vacuumed the radiator thingy under the fridge, you know, That collects the dust, 'cause you should, and I don't, so...
Valerie : oh, hey. Hold on. Cross your fingers.
Claire : I'm not gonna lie. The thought of Valerie getting the one job in the whole company that everyone coveted... well, I wasn't a lover of that.
Valerie : Okay. Okay, thank you.
Claire : Well?
Valerie : Oh, they haven't made a decision. They're... they're gonna tell me later on.
Claire : That's not what they said, is it?
Valerie : Oh, yeah. It is. It is.
Claire : Oh, Valerie, come on. It's me. What are friends for, if not to be there for you when you get bad news?
Valerie : I got it!
Claire : Oh, my god!
Valerie : Aah! I'm the head of Europe!
Claire : Well, you know, for the hotel, Not the continent, But...Yay!
Valerie : Kind of, though. Kind of.
Claire : Why didn't you tell me when you first heard?
Valerie : Ohh... 'cause, you know.
Claire : And that's when it really hit me. Valerie wasn't jealous of me. She pitied me. And part of me wanted to take her back to the house and show her everything she was missing in her sad, childless, husbandless life. But there's a little thing called "taking the high road."
Claire : Why don't you come by and meet everybody?
Valerie : Oh, sure. Yeah, no, that'd be great.
Claire : Yeah, I mean, Alex is just a genius, and Haley is turning into this beautiful young woman. and it makes me realize that motherhood is probably the most important...
Valerie : San Francisco. That was my fourth lover. San Francisco. "Fourth lover." It would have kept me up all night.
Claire : Yeah.
Luke : Dad, look.
Phil : Just a sec, buddy. I'm on my way out to the bathroom.
Alex : Check it out. The Aubreys had this huge party last night, and we got all these bottles to recycle.
Phil : Great!
Alex : What's Jagermeister?
Phil : Um... Well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle. You wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
Dylan : Haley!
Alex : Luke, you're spilling it!
Luke : Aw, crud!
Alex : God! Aah! Gross! A rat!
Luke : Cool.
Haley : Hang on, I'm coming!
Dylan : I believe you have something that belongs to me... My heart.
Haley : I thought I I.M.'d you to stay away.
Dylan : Ow! Haley!
Phil : Hello? Dylan? D-money? Hey, buddy? Hey, buddy?! Hello, friendly neighbors! Little help?
Dylan : But I love you!
Haley : Well, you should have thought about that before you took that skank Sharon Nicolini to an Anne Hathaway movie!
Dylan : I didn't take her. She was just there.
Haley : So you were just there by yourself at an Anne Hathaway movie! I don't think so!
Dylan : Yeah! Yeah. I like her movies. She's every woman! Come on. Let's not fight. Let's just discuss this like two un-immature adults.
Haley : Ugh!
Phil : Oh. Oh. Hello? Mrs. Patterson. Hi. I've been waiting for your call. Yeah. Um, is there any chance that maybe we could talk a little bit... No, no. Now's perfect. That's fine. I-I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. Let me just... Close my office door. there we go. Much, much better.
Mitchell : Maybe we should go over the accident one more time?
Gloria : Put the ducks on a row. You're such a good lawyer.
Mitchell : Uh, yeah, I just want to make sure We're 100% clear on exactly what happened.
Gloria : Oh, we're clear. I told you. What? You don't believe me?
Mitchell : No! No! I just... You know, sometimes. Like, is it possible, maybe, you were driving too fast?
Gloria : Who said I was driving fast?
Manny : Yeah. Who?
Mitchell : I just... I'm looking at the street, and I'm thinking if you were driving a little fast, It's possible that maybe you didn't see the car...
Gloria : You're like everyone else, huh? You blame the latino driver. Where I come from, they always blame the latino driver.
Mitchell : Where you come from, isn't everybody a latino driver?
Gloria : Manny, tell him.
Manny : I can't 'cause I have cupcake in my mouth.
Gloria : Oh, come on! Don't blame your cupcake! What? You think I'm guilty, too?
Manny : No.
Gloria : Fine. I don't need you as a lawyer anymore. and if you two think I'm such a bad driver, you're safer walking home! Ciao!
Claire : Here it is.
Valerie : It's really cute!
Claire : Yeah. We're pretty proud of it.
Haley : Here's your stupid CDs! And your clothes! And your poems!
Dylan : Don't you do it!
Claire : Haley!
Haley : I'm doing it!
Claire : Haley, stop it! What are you doing?!
Dylan : Tearing out my heart!
Claire : Okay.
Haley: Oh, why don't you go get a hickey from Sharon Nicolini?!
Dylan : It's from my guitar strap, Haley!
Haley : Oh, thanks for reminding me!
Claire : Um, it's my daughter Haley and her boyfriend, Dylan, um...
Valerie : This is a nice color.
Claire : Yeah. Um, listen. this is not normal with all that, nor... Where's that liquor smell? Phil, honey? Oh, my god. Luke? What is that?
Luke : Jagermeister. Dad says it makes girls easier to kiss.
Claire : What happened to the rug?!
Luke : I had an accident.
Claire : Okay. Alex, what are you doing?
Alex : I'm trying to kill a rat.
Claire : Oh...
Dylan : Sharon was helping me buy you a birthday present! Don't you get it? I love your ass!
Valerie : I... you know, I-I-I'm late. And I should go.
Claire : I know. I know. Yeah And it seems like things have gotten a little wonky around here. I don't know where Phil is. He's definitely... Oh, my god! Alex! Where is your father?
Alex : He went outside to go to the bathroom.
Claire : Uh-huh. Oh! It's not usually like this. Oh, gross.
Dylan : Let's just get married.
Haley : Okay.
Phil : You will not regret this decision, Mrs. Patterson. And I'll tell you what... We're gonna have you over to our little house to celebrate, okay? Okay. Buh-bye.
Claire : Sometime when you get a break, maybe...
Phil : Claire! Claire!
Claire : Phil. Hey. Phil, what are you... what are you doing?
Phil : Just concluding a little business. Very successfully, I might add.
Claire : Honey.
Phil : Hey. Hi. Is that Valerie? Yeah. Whoa! You look fantastic.
Valerie : Thank you.
Phil : Come here!
Valerie : Oh...
Phil : Get over here!
Valerie : Okay. I'll...
Phil : How long's it been?
Valerie : A long time.
Phil : Oh, my goodness.
Valerie : Oh, I can't touch you.
Phil : Okay. A little bit difficult. The gulf divides us, eh?
Valerie : So nice to see you.
Phil : Great to see you, though.
Valerie : Okay.
Phil : All right.
Valerie : Okay, then.
Claire : Thanks for coming by.
Valerie : It's such a pleasure.
Claire : Buh-bye.
Phil : Thanks for stopping by.
Valerie : You have a beautiful family.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : She looks great, doesn't she?
Claire : What is on your face?
Claire : One time! Once! One time I bring somebody home who I want to impress, and what do I find?! A bunch of booze-drenched ill people! You're sitting around in your underwear and... and chasing rats and... and fornicating in the stairwell?
Phil : Can I say something?
Claire : No! No, you can't, Mario. There is nothing left to say but thank you. Thank you all.
Phil : Ow!
Jay : I told you I'd win! Not talking so much now, are you, hotshot? Hope you enjoy that nice hot shower. But it's not gonna wash away the shame of that 15-7 beatdown. You should have seen the look on your face When that drop shot just kissed the wall. Ah. Okay. Splashdown. Got me again. Yep. Make the uptight straight guy all embarrassed, except for one thing doesn't even bother me anymore. I could do this all day. Here. Another one for you. Maybe a couple of them.
Cameron : Jay, I just noticed the sauna back here. How big of a hurry are we in?
Jay : Biggest hurry of your life. Scuse me. Scuse me.
Manny : Well, if you're going to be stranded, might as well be in a place full of cupcakes.
Mitchell : I don't think you need any more.
Gloria : Ay. I'm sorry, guys. It's true. I am a defensive driver.
Manny : You mean you're defensive about...
Gloria : I know what I am. Let's go. It's just that I don't like When people just assume that I'm a bad driver. Maybe it was just like a little bit my fault.
Mitchell : Well, you know, I'm glad you can admit that, Gloria.
Gloria : Ay. But I'm still gonna need you as my lawyer, Mitch.
Mitchell Why?
Gloria : Because this one... It was not my fault. I promise you.
Mitchell : That's what that sound was.
Gloria : It was the big cupcake.
Alex : That was unreal. Mom was crazy.
Luke : I'm scared.
Phil : Look... I know your mom pretty well. She's fine. I'd be willing to bet she's just composing herself, taking a nice, peaceful walk in the park.
Claire : Perfect.
Claire : At that moment, all I wanted was to be with my family. But of course, that meant finding a way to apologize to the people that I had belittled and rejected.
Phil : Okay, you are so crazy. That song totally rules.
Alex : Dad, you're crazy.
Phil : Crazy right.
Phil : Hey, honey.
Alex : Hi.
Haley : Hey, mom.
Luke : No, seriously, dad. It's lame.
Phil : Seriously, Luke. It's not. Here, you got some mustard or something on your face. I think I know a little bit about music. I was a deejay in college. I had my own show in the coveted time slot... "daybreak with Dunphy."
Alex : Are you kidding me?
Phil : No, I'm not kidding you. And I played Rick Astley.
Alex : Dad, that... that's embarrassing.
Phil : Sing it, Luke.
Claire : They could have been petty. They really could have made me pay, but they didn't. And I've never loved them more. Why the hell couldn't Valerie have seen them like that?
Phil : Hey, Dylan.
Dylan : Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
Phil : What's happening?
Dylan : Well, Haley and I got into another fight.
Phil : Oh. Yeah. "say anything..."
Dylan : Um, "good morning"?
Phil : No, "say anything..."
Dylan : "newspaper."
Phil : No, Dylan. "say anything... clutch movie.
Dylan : " clutch movie."
Phil : She probably won't be up for a couple hours still.
Dylan : Oh, it's okay. It's not that heavy.
