Jay : Let's go, buddy. School time. Gloria, if you want to get together with the girls later, I could just watch the football game or something.
Manny : That means he wants to watch the football game.
Jay : I'm not talking to you. And what are you drinking coffee for, anyway?
Manny : It's my culture. I'm Colombian.
Jay : Oh yeah? What part of Colombia are those French toaster sticks from?
Gloria : I'm not sure about the game. The whole family is coming over for the barbecue.
Jay : It's today?
Manny : Sí.
Jay : It's the Ohio State game.
Gloria : So? Everybody can watch.
Jay : I don't like watching the game with people who don't know the game. People talk.
Manny : You talk at my football games.
Jay : For one thing, it's called soccer. Your team's scored two goals all season. I'm not taking a big risk. How much of this did you drink?
Manny : Give me a break. I have to climb a rope today.
Haley : Hey, mom?
Claire : Yeah?
Haley : Can I have $40 for lunch?
Claire : $40?
Haley : I also need a book for school.
Claire : What book?
Haley : I want a dress.
Claire : Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex : I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.
Phil : Luke, come on, we're late!
Claire : There's a first... Inside out and backwards. At least it isn't zipped into his... There it is.
Phil : Well... there's book smart, and then there's street smart.
Claire : Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil : He's just curious, that's all. He's got this almost scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "why?" Luke asks, "why not?"
Claire : I ask "why" a lot.
Cameron : We're at the 10... We're at the 5... We're at the 1... Daddy, we're scoring a touchdown!
Mitchell : Please don't spike our baby. Why does she look like the Hamburglar?
Cameron : She's a referee.
Mitchell : Do we even have to go to my dad's tonight?
Cameron : Are you kidding me? We're playing Ohio State.
Cameron : I collect antique fountain pens, I'm adept at Japanese flower arrangement... Ikebana. And I was a starting offensive lineman at the University of Illinois. Surprise!
Mitchell : I don't like football.
Cameron : Being in a relationship is pretending to enjoy your partner's interests. Do you think I really loved home pickle making?
Mitchell : Yeah, 'cause you did.
Cameron : For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles. "Oh, thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home. Care for a sack of pickles?"
Mitchell : It was charming.
Cameron : We were picklers. You know what? Fine. Stay home with your little jagged scissors, maybe catch up on your scrapbooking.
Mitchell : You loved scrapbooking!
Cameron : Did I, Mitchell? Did I?
Mitchell : Don't do the "double question to prove a point" thing. I hate it.
Cameron : Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Claire : No problem. We'll be right down. Thanks.
Phil : Hey, honey. What's up?
Claire : The school just called. Luke got in a fight.
Phil : Oh, geez. Is he okay?
Claire : Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come down there. Where are you?
Phil : I'm showing a house.
Claire : What house?
Phil : I'm golfing.
Claire : I bet it was that Durkas kid.
Phil : I hate that kid.
Claire : He probably jumped on Luke, and Luke just fought back. Kid's a menace.
Phil : He made fun of my hair once.
Claire : Shh, the parents are probably in there.
Phil : I slept on it funny... Like that never happened to him.
Claire : Come on. What are you doing here?
Jay : These two knuckleheads were fighting.
Claire : What?!
Jay : Could have been worse.
Phil : I was not ready to face Durkas today.
Claire : So, what happened?
School director : Apparently, there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground. By the time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay : Luke, that's not like you.
School director : Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?
Jay : Grandfather.
School director : So Manny's father is...
Gloria : Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
School director : Okay, you're...
Claire : He's our son.
Jay : And my grandson.
Claire : I'm his daughter.
School director : So, you're...
Manny : His uncle.
Luke : Stop saying that, or I'll sit on your chest again!
Claire : Oh! Wait a second. is that what this was all about?
Luke : He keeps calling me his nephew.
Manny : You are!
Luke : Shut up!
School director : Okay! Okay! I'm getting the sense that you're all related... somehow. It's best if you work this out at home so the boys can go back to class, okay? But we're not happy about this, boys. This is not how mature young men behave. Here's your note for Miss Passwater. I wouldn't worry. They're good kids. It's just tough when one kid's a little different.
Claire : You heard how she said that, right? She thought Luke was the weird one, Luke!
Gloria : Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture, and Manny is the different one.
Claire : I will tell you what's weird. Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.
Gloria : think We should cancel with them for the barbecue.
Phil : If we cancel, it'll just make this a bigger deal than it is. It'll be good for Luke and Manny to spend some time. Might be good for you and Gloria, too.
Claire : Why?
Gloria : She's always had a problem with me. I think I'm gonna find out what it is.
Jay : That's the worst thing you could do. Just sweep it under the rug.
Gloria : I'm not a sweeper.
Jay : Trust me on this.
Phil : I think you two need to talk it out.
Claire : I don't have anything to say to her. She's the one with the problem, not me.
Gloria : Whose side are you on?
Jay : She's my daughter. You're my wife. Let's remember what's important here... There's a football game on.
Phil : I just hate it when my two girls aren't getting along.
Claire : How exactly is she your girl?
Cameron : I got a few things for the party. Is Lily ready to go?
Mitchell : Yeah, she's ready.
Cameron : What's wrong?
Mitchell : I'm just really worried about CJ Hightower, with the bad ankle. I don't know how he's gonna run his corner routes.
Cameron : What did my boyfriend just say?
Jay : Listen, I heard what you said, and I thought, yes, I should try to learn more about football.
Cameron : That is very mature of you.
Mitchell : I figure if football fans can learn it, how hard can it be?
Cameron : That's very elitist of you.
Mitchell : I'm taking baby steps here, all right? I'm actually looking forward to it. 'Cause it's not just the game. It's the bands and the drama and the... the pageantry...
Cameron : Don't forget about the team mascots.
Mitchell : They wear ascots?
Cameron : No, "mascots," with an "m." That could have been very embarrassing. Okay, am I straight?
Mitchell : I am not sure what you are right now.
Jay : Hi! Hi! Hi! How you doing? Hi, beautiful.
Phil : Good to see you.
Claire : Let me guess. Game's on?
Jay : Just started.
Phil : For you. It's nice to see you, Gloria.
Gloria : Two times today.
Claire :Phil ! She means we've seen them two times today.
Jay : Everybody, the food's in there, the drinks are in there, I'll be in here.
Phil : Hold on, Jay. I think we should address the elephant in the room. Luke, Manny. Bring it in. Come on. Huddle up. Football. Now, in light of what happened at school today, if you have any feelings you'd like to express, this is the proper forum.
Jay : For God's sake. All right, both of you. Now, in this family, do we kick and punch each other, or do we love each other?
Manny & Luke : Love each other.
Jay : That's right. I'll be in the den.
Claire : So, I brought dessert.
Gloria : Okay, thank you. I make pie, too.
Claire : You can never have too many pies, right?
Phil : Okay, wow! Everybody, take a deep breath. Let's think about getting real.
Claire : Phil, no.
Gloria : Why "Phil, no"? What is Phil doing?
Phil : I'm just gonna say it... There's tension between you two. Bam! It's out there.
Claire : I'm gonna kill you.
Gloria : I think he's right. And I think we should talk about it.
Phil : That's what I'm talkin' 'bout... You two talking... 'bout it.
Alex : I like football. Haley hates it. Which is weird because it's all boys, and there's no reading required. Do you know that she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair? And then, sometimes, she...
Cameron : Let's go, Illini!
Mitchell : Let's go, right now!
Jay : Oh, looks like I got to watch the game with Dick Butkiss.
Mitchell : Dad! Come on, that's offensive.
Cameron : He's one of the greatest linebackers to ever play at Illinois, and one of my personal heroes.
Mitchell : And his name is "Butkiss"? Really, and we're just choosing to... Okay. All right. I thought you were being homophobic. Sorry.
Jay : We got all night.
Mitchell : Yes, we do.
Jay : Are you joining us here?
Cameron : Jay, you know what? He's been studying up.
Mitchell : I got to tell you, I am a little worried about CJ Hightower, with the bad ankle. I'm wondering how he's gonna run his corner routes.
Jay : Hightower's out.
Mitchell : What? Oh... then who is gonna run the corner routes?
Jay : I'll tell you who won't be. Billings.
Cameron : That's low. He's in jail.
Mitchell : Oh... wow, yeah, I didn't know.
Cameron : Oh! Double tight end. It's gonna be a quarterback roll-out...
Jay : They're gonna run it.
Cameron : No trust me, he's got the slot, and the end zone! Touchdown!
Jay : Lucky call!
Mitchell : They should have considered blitzing.
Jay : Blitzing wouldn't have helped them. Get out of here.
Cameron : Oh, gosh. Blitzing.
Mitchell : So, my interest in football ended as suddenly and dramatically as the climax of "West Side Story." I'm a musical-theater fan.
Cameron : Surprise!
Gloria : Okay, the truth? I sometimes feel like you don't like me.
Phil : Powerful, powerful stuff. Claire, tell us how it makes you feel.
Claire : Right now, I'm feeling a lot of anger.
Phil : Don't tell me, tell her.
Claire : Gloria, I'm really angry at Phil.
Phil : Let's respect the process.
Claire : Gloria, I don't know why you think I don't like you.
Gloria : Well, sometimes when you see me, you make that face...
Claire : What face?
Gloria : Like this.
Claire : I do not make a face like that.
Mitchell : Oh my God, that is so Claire.
Phil : See? She does that with everyone. It's just her face.
Gloria : No, it's not just the face. From the beginning, I feel like Manny and I are not welcome in this family.
Claire : That is so crazy!
Gloria : No, it's not so crazy. It's how I feel.
Claire : I am sorry if you feel that way. I really am. Because from the moment I met you, I have tried to make you feel comfortable with us.
Gloria : You think it's all in my head?
Claire : Kind... I don't know. I mean... We really love having you and Manny in our family.
Gloria : Really?
Claire : Really. So... you don't have to be so defensive.
Gloria : I do that, don't I?
Claire : A little. A little bit.
Phil : I'm feeling a hug. I was thinking group hug, but this is nice.
Haley : I'd be there if I could... Oh, my God, there's hugging.
Claire : Haley, get off the phone already.
Cameron : Where did you go?
Mitchell : You heard him. He said, "get out of here."
Jay : Oh my god, you're such a girl!
Mitchell : Dad, loo... I was coming to get a beer, anyways. Nice apology.
Jay : Nice beer.
Phil : There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke : I made fun of his accent.
Gloria : What accent?
Manny : I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke : I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria : What?
Manny : He said you were a coal digger.
Phil : Okay, I think we can move on!
Gloria : Who said I was a coal digger?
Luke : That's what my mom told me.
Alex : What's a coal digger?
Phil : Sweaty, He heard it wrong. It's "gold digger."
Haley : I'm gonna have to call you back.
Claire : I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.
Luke : Well, you said it in the car, you said it at Christmas, you said it in the Mexican restaurant...
Claire : Okay, Mr. "Leaves his sweatshirts at school every day" suddenly remembers everything. Thank you.
Gloria : And it was all in my head, huh?
Claire : Listen, Gloria, it was like a year ago before... I knew you...
Manny : Nice going. Now my mom and my sister are fighting.
Claire : If I say something everybody's thinking, does that make me a mean person? Or... does it make me a brave person? One who is courageous enough to stand up and say something... Behind someone's back to... a 10-year old?
Jay : Well, she's pissed.
Claire : Yeah, she wouldn't even come out of her room.
Jay : Did you really have to call her that? A gold digger.
Claire : You know what, dad? It was a year ago. And it was a natural question to ask. She's a beautiful, hot woman, and you're not exactly... You know.
Jay : Not exactly what?
Claire : Mitchell, a little help?
Mitchell : No, you are doing great.
Jay : See, this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So people don't get hurt.
Phil : Well, yeah... until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you got a lumpy rug. It creates a tripping hazard. You open yourself up to lawsuit. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.
Phil : Gloria, It's Phil. Can I talk to you for a second?
Phil : Claire likes to say, you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe that you can be both.
Phil : Listen, Claire feels terrible. Why don't you talk to her?
Gloria : Why? I know what she thinks... A coal digger.
Phil : No, she's saying "gold digger."
Gloria : No, Phil...
Phil : I know she said that, but that was a long time ago, before... she knew you.
Gloria : Does Jay buy me nice things? Yes, of course! All beautiful things! Look at this. Yellow, red, blue... All the colors. Do you think I can't live without these? Take them away, Phil.
Phil : We all know you'd be fine without underwear. I mean, we know it's not about that.
Gloria : It's about me not being accepted by my new family.
Phil : That is not true. Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman. In fact, you're probably one of those beautiful women who doesn't know it.
Gloria : I know it.
Phil : So it's natural for Claire to wonder about you and her dad. This family is very protective of each other. I remember the first time Claire brought me home. Do you think Jay thought I was good enough for his little girl? No way. But, over time, he realized that I loved Claire as much as he did. And by then, Mitch had brought Cam home, so I was golden. Claire just needs a little time. And then, trust me, she'll be the most loyal friend you've ever had.
Jay : You're not leaving, are you?
Mitchell : Uh, You know, there's kind of a lot of drama.
Cameron : So we're torn.
Jay : Let me ask you something. Your sister said that Gloria would never go for anybody who looked like me. Now, you guys basically... are like women. You look at guys. So what do you think?
Mitchell : You're seriously asking us if you're attractive?
Jay : I know I'm no Erik Estrada or anything. I'm just curious is all. So, if I was in one of your bars and... Righteous Brothers were on, would you... I don't know... Check me out?
Mitchell : Dad, you're really close to ruining gay for me.
Jay : All right, fine, whatever...
Mitchell : Jay, Jay, Jay, now, listen, I think it's... I just think it's a little weird for a son to say this to his father, but, for the record... you're smoking hot.
Jay : Really?
Cameron : 100%. You're totally my type, dangerous, gettable. You have a little cashola in your pocket.
Jay : Face, body, the whole...
Cameron : The whole kit and caboodle, I think
Jay : Really. What, about a 7?
Cameron : 9. For sure 9. But you knew that.
Jay : I might have lowballed a bit.
Mitchell : Hey, isn't there a game on?
Jay : Touchy.
Cameron : I know.
Claire : Gloria? Come on, let's talk about this.
Phil : I've seen her kick in a door before.
Claire : I don't know what my husband is saying to you, or why he's covered in your underwear...
Gloria : Obviously, I'm trying to seduce him for his money. Coz'that's what I do, right? What do I have to give back so that everyone trusts me? These earrings?
Claire & Phil : No...
Gloria : What? This bracelet?
Claire & Phil : No...
Gloria : My new dress?
Claire : No...
Phil : I didn't respond because... this shouldn't be... about me. It should be about you talking to you... about it.
Claire : Phil? Honey...
Phil : No, no, you're welcome.
Claire : I don't know what to say except for that I am really, really sorry.
Gloria : Just tell me one thing. How do you really feel that I'm with your father?
Claire : Uhh, well...Honestly, at first, it was hard. You don't expect to wake up one morning with a new mom who looks like she fell off a mud flap. But... I'm getting used to it. The important thing is you make him happy, which you do, in so many ways. So many colors. Are we okay?
Gloria : No.
Claire : No?
Gloria : You embarrassed me in front of everyone downstairs. What? I'm supposed just to forget about it?
Claire : What do you want me to do? Just embarrass myself so we're even?
Gloria : Go jump in the pool.
Claire : You mean "go jump in a lake," right?
Gloria : Go jump in the pool with your clothe on. Then I know you're sorry.
Claire : I'm not gonna do that, Gloria.
Gloria : Okay! Then I won't forgive you.
Jay : Now a field goal beats us! Hey! You guys work that out?
Claire : Almost. Gloria wants me to jump in the pool.
Phil : Okay, then. What?
Jay : If they kick... get a pass rush on them, something, a break.
Luke : This is so awesome.
Haley : I know. Mom does not look good wet.
Jay : Gloria, is this really necessary?
Claire : Dad, it's fine. If I need to jump in this water to prove to Gloria how sorry I am, I will do it. It's fine. You're seriously not gonna stop me?
Gloria : Why would I do that?
Claire : Because I am standing here. I'm showing you my willingness to... Are you happy?
Gloria : Yesss! I forgive you!
Claire : Then give me your hand.
Jay : That's the oldest trick in the book. She's gonna pull you in there. And that's my job.
Phil : This is funny, but this is also a teaching moment. Think of all...
Cameron : Cannonball!
Cameron : Oh... Come on. How could he fumble that?
Jay : Center blew the snap.
Cameron : You know, I hate that. I played center and I always got blamed for a quarterback's clumsy hands.
Jay : Well, I was a quarterback, and it was probably your fault.
Cameron : It's impossible to fumble the ball when the QB has the proper hand placement.
Claire : It's weird to think of a woman being sexually attracted to dad.
Mitchell : You want to hear weird? Cam said he'd pick up dad at a gay bar.
Claire : How did that come up?
Mitchell : I'm really trying to block it out.
Claire : As far as I'm concerned, mum and dad had sex two times.
Mitchell : Agreed.
Cameron : Now get your hands up there, and... like you're lifting me off the ground. Be one with me, Jay. There you go.
Claire : Do you want to get something to eat?
Mitchell : I am never eating again.
Jay : Just snap the damn thing.
Cameron : Perfect. That one kind hurt.
