Claire : Okay, your brother's lunch is packed, you're bying your own lunch. Luke, Alex, come on. Let's go!
Phil : Hurry up. Last chance for the summer handshake.
Luke : Dad?
Phil : Come on, we're only halfway done.
Luke : I need help. I was supposed to keep a journal all summer. It's due today.
Claire : Wow, first day of school, and you're already behind?
Luke : I'm dead.
Claire : All right, tell me how far you've gotten.
Luke : Okay. "June 21st -- found a stick."
Claire : Mm.
Luke : "June 22nd..." That's it.
Claire : That's it?
Luke : It was a really cool stick.
Phil : He's right. It looked like a snake.
Claire : Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first day of school.
Phil : From the minute we get up at 7:00 'til we drop them off at school, It is go, go, go.
Claire : I get up at 6:00.
Phil : I get up at 5:00.
Claire : Seriously, I get up at 6:00.
Phil : That's you? I thought we had a raccoon.
Gloria : I can't believe my little boy is going into the fifth grade. He used to hold my finger with his little hand and look at me with those big eyes. Oh, mi niño pequeño, Jay!
Jay : Yep, they grow up. Come on, Manny, let's get going!
Manny : How's my hair?
Jay : Hold on. What are you wearing there? That looks like an old christmas tree skirt.
Manny : It's a traditional Colombian poncho. I want my new classmates to know I'm proud of my heritage.
Gloria : Sí. I think you look very handsome, lindo.
Jay : Oh, really? Am I driving him to school, or is he gonna ride his burro?
Cameron : * you are a cutie-pie, yes, you are! you are a cutie-pie * Are you still baby-proofing?
Mitchell : Everything we own is pointy. Why is our daughter dressed like Donna Summer?
Cameron : She is not Donna Summer. Clearly, she's Diana ross from the RCA years. How is daddy not seeing that?
Mitchell : I really thought you were done with this.
Cameron : I made no such promises.
Jay : I guess I'm somewhat of a shutterbug, um, and my new favorite model, of course, is Lily. I just completed a series of photographs Of her dressed as various pop icons. Let's see, I've done, uh, Olivia Newton-John. I've done Madonna, the early years. Stevie Wonder.
Mitchell : Yeah, there are days when Lily has more costume changes than Cher.
Cameron : Cher! How could I forget Cher? That's embarrassing.
Mitchell : That's embarrassing?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Phil : Honey, you moving out?
Alex : Five more years. A little help here?
Claire : This is why we suggested the violin.
Alex : The cello is more in demand in university orchestras.
Haley : You know what's not in demand?
Alex : Oh, what?
Haley : Girls who play in university orchestras.
Phil : Here, I'll help you carry it out to the curb.
Claire : Phil, put on some pants.
Phil : Come on, this covers up more than my bathing suit.
Claire : Yeah, don't remind me. Haley, honey, don't forget the driving instructor is picking you up from school.
Haley : Can't he pick me up someplace else? I don't want kids at school thinking I'm dating a 40-year-old driving instructor who's not even cute.
Claire : Haley just got her learner's permit
Phil : We've been taking turns driving with her.
Phil : One of the really standard rules of the road is we want to keep a safe distance Between us and the car in front of it, And that is not safe right there! not safe!
Claire : All right. Okay, merge.
Haley : I...
Claire : Merge.
Haley : Mom...
Claire : Merge! Merge, merge, merge, merge, merge!
Haley : Stop it! You're freaking me out!
Phil : This navigation system's all messed up. It thinks we're in a park. Oh, my god, it is a park! Away from the kids!
Haley : Where do I go?!
Phil : Aim for the lake!
Haley : The lake?!
Phil : Aim for the lake!
Claire : Makes you realize we're all just hanging by a thread.
Gloria : The last thing Manny needs on his first day of school is you under-melting his confidence.
Jay : Undermining.
Gloria : Now you're doing it to me, too.
Jay : I'm sorry, but there's only two places anyone should wear a poncho... Niagara falls and log rides.
Gloria : You think too much about these things. I wear all sort of daring outfits all the time and people admire them because I wear them with the confidence.
Jay : I'm sure it's the confidence they're admiring. I just... I just think it's a little over-the-top.
Cameron : : You know what? You need to loosen up and have fun.
Mitchell : I am loose. I'm fun. Remember? Breakfast for dinner last week... my idea.
Cameron : Ever since we brought Lily home, you've been tense. All you do is put child locks on things, read parenting books. Would you please stop and... Here... just hold your daughter. Hold her and relax.
Mitchell : All right, sweetheart. Come on.
Cameron : Just relax.
Mitchell : Oh, sweetheart. Did you put hair spray on this?
Cameron : Just a little bit, yes. I'm gonna put some music on.
Mitchell : No, cam, I have to go to work.
Cameron : Dance with her!
Mitchell : I don't have time for this.
Cameron : Put a little boogie in it. oh, come on. Just dance. You know you love this song. This is actually a really good song. All right. Okay. Who's the dancing queen, huh? Put a little boogie in it.
Mitchell : I don't have time.
Cameron : See? Fun, right? Oh, my... was that her head?
Mitchell : No, I think if it was her head, she would be... Yeah, that was her head. Okay, okay. Yes, I know.
Cameron : I got boo-boo bear from the freezer.
Mitchell : Why do you have chocolate on your face?
Cameron : It was under a pie.
Mitchell : So you ate your way to it?
Cameron : I made a judgment call. You weren't there!
Mitchell : Do you think she's all right?
Cameron : She didn't cry that much.
Mitchell : M-maybe that's a bad sign. You know... We should try and make her laugh.
Cameron : Why?
Mitchell : 'cause that's how we'll know she's okay. Where's, um... Where's doggy? Doggy, doggy.
Cameron : Here, doggy.
Mitchell : Okay, there you go. Moo!
Cameron : But it's a dog.
Mitchell : Yeah, I know. That's why it's funny. Moo!
Cameron : I don't think it's as funny as you think it is. Can we please just call your sister?
Mitchell : No, no. Cam, cam, why, so she can be all judgmental and condescending. Like she's the expert and I don't know how to take care of a baby?
Cameron : Mitchell, she is your family. Of course she's gonna be judgmental and condescending.
Claire : Hello?
Mitchell : Hey, hi. Uh, not a big deal, just wondering... When your kids were small, did you ever...
Claire : I don't know, uh, smack their heads into a wall? Usually, we just gave time-outs.
Mitchell : No, no. Accidentally. Um, we... we just kind of bonked Lily's head, And she... it really wasn't very hard, and she's not acting any differently, But I just worry...
Claire : Relax. It happens. Luke used to bang his head all the time, and he's fine.
Mitchell : Okay. All right, thank you. Thanks. That helps. Okay, okay. We got to take her to the doctor. Load up the car.
Jay : Gloria?
Gloria : I'm here.
Jay : I, uh, just dropped Manny off at school, And I realized... I just dropped Manny off at school.
Gloria : Oh, boy. And I was hoping we'd still have a few more good years before the mind started to go.
Jay : No, what I'm saying... we have the day to ourselves for the first time in months. We should take advantage of it... Go to the club... Nice lunch... Some massages.
Gloria : What about work?
Jay : I'm the boss. Since I married you, people are surprised I come in at all.
Gloria : Jay's very spontaneous. He's always surprising me with little presents, fun getaways.
Jay : I wasn't the greatest husband the first time around, But I'm trying to do better this time. And maybe by my third marriage, I'll have it down pat. Yeah, that one's gonna cost me.
Phil : Whatcha reading there, a book?
Claire : Yeah, I've been meaning to get to it for a while.
Phil : Oh, it's got a map at the beginning. I like it when books do that.
Claire : Uh-huh. Do you have an open house this morning?
Phil : I rescheduled. Thought you might like some company. Ahh.
Phil : Well, the first day of school can be tough for stay-at-home moms. Now, you have to understand... the kids are gone, The nest is empty, they are rudderless. And a lot of guys wouldn't even notice. But I'm not a lot of guys. I listen with my mind, and if you pay attention, women will tell you what they want by telling you the opposite of what they want. Like, the other day, Claire was like, you have to move your car. There's no space in the garage for both of our cars." And what she's really saying is that, you know, I should probably get a sports car.
Claire : I was sort of looking forward to a quiet day. Thought I'd just read, maybe... Go for a run later. That's it.
Phil : Great. We'll run together.
Claire : You don't have to do that.
Phil : I Know.
Phil : Listening.
Claire : The thing is, I like to run alone, and I run kind of fast, so...
Phil : So...
Claire : So, I'm not sure you're gonna be able to keep up with me.
Phil : You're k... you're kidding, right?
Claire : No.
Phil : You really think I can't keep up with you?
Claire : I'm not sure you can keep up with this conversation.
Phil : I think you're forgetting that I power-walk every morning and that I wear my special ses with the big soles, which were designed by a doctor.
Claire : Yes, I know. But I run... every day.
Phil : You really think you can run as fast as me?
Claire : No, Phil, I think I can run much, much faster...Than you.
Phil : Boom. Just like that the whole day changed. It was game on. She knew it. I knew it. We both knew it.
Claire : I just want to read.
Jay : I think I'll order what I had the last time. What was that called?
Gloria : You just want me to say it because you want me to roll my r's.
Jay : Come on!
Gloria : Reuben. Jay, what is this?
Jay : Oh, looks like my old car cover.
Gloria : Don't give me that. This is Manny's poncho. What is it doing here?
Jay : Maybe he decided to take it off on the way to school.
Gloria : What did you say to him?
Jay : Nothing. I told some jokes.
Gloria : You said plenty with your jokes. Jay, he looks up to you. He respects your opinion.
Jay : We dodged a bullet on this, trust me. I've been down this road before. I remember one time Mitchell decided to wear a jaunty scarf to school. I kept my mouth shut. He got his jaunty butt kicked.
Mitchell : My dad has this perception that I was very flamboyant as a kid, which is just... it's nonsense, because I kept the whole gay thing very under wraps. You know, I was just a guy's guy. I-I was basically a jock. You know?
Gloria : So, we should crush Manny's spirit and destroy everything that makes him who he is.
Jay : I'm just saying, it's no fun to see your kid get picked on every day, getting tormented just because he's different. Now, I'm telling you, it rips your heart out.
Gloria : Well, batman doesn't get picked on, and he wears a cape. A poncho is just a cape that goes all the way around.
Jay : Batman doesn't get picked on because he's a muscular genius. Manny can't make it to the top bunk.
Gloria : We're taking this poncho to Manny at school. It's important that he knows that we support him. And then we go get those massages 'coz that sounded good.
Phil : I always take the stairs two at a time. I don't even think about it anymore. The regular way would seem weird.
Claire : Phil, let it go. I'm faster than you.
Phil : If only there was some way we could settle this once and for all, but how? Huh.
Claire : You seriously want to race me? I ran a half marathon last year.
Phil : Wow. I'm half scared.
Claire : Okay, we do need to do this. I'll go change.
Phil : Not now. I got a conference call. But how about after that?
Claire : Great. This afternoon.
Phil : Sweet! Two at a time, two at a time, two at a... Son of a gun, got to fix that step. Two at a time, already at the top, so...
Dr Miura : Hi. I'm dr. Miura. I'm on call today. Looks like we have a little head bump.
Mitchell : Yeah, it happened a couple hours ago on a doorjamb.
Dr Miura : Oh, ouch.
Mitchell : We used to do this thing in school where they would give you an egg, And you... you know, you couldn't break it. And it was supposed to teach you how hard it was to be a parent. But... The real thing, it's... it's... it's so much harder.
Cameron : We did that in my school, too. It didn't turn out so well. Went through a dozen eggs.
Mitchell : Yeah, well, he's a nervous eater.
Cameron : No, I broke a dozen eggs.
Mitchell : Oh. I'm sorry. I just assumed that...
Cameron : I know. I know what you assumed.
Dr Miura : There doesn't seem to be any mark.
Cameron : Well, her head was... somewhat protected.
Dr Miura : Protected? Was she wearing a hat?
Mitchell : Yes, yes. It was like a hat.
Cameron : It was a wig. Actually, sort of a ghetto-fabulous afro thing. I thought it might be medically relevant.
Mitchell : Really? You thought "ghetto-fabulous" might be medically relevant?
Dr Miura : Maybe I should just finish with the exam?
Mitchell : Yes. Thanks.
Cameron : You'll be pleased to know that Mitchell and I intend on raising lily With influences from her asian heritage.
Dr Miura : That is fantastic. Have you noticed any vomiting since the head bump?
Mitchell : Uh, no. No, no.
Cameron : We've hung some art in her room, some Asian art, And then when she's ready for solid food, There is a fantastic pho place Right around the corner from our house. Am I pronouncing that right? Is it "pho"? It's a soup.
Dr Miura : I don't know. I'm from Denver. We don't have a lot of...Pho there. Just to be sure, Could you show me how hard Lily got hit? And u... use your head.
Mitchell : Oh, yeah, so, I mean, really, it was... It was just sort of like, um...
Dr Miura : Could I see that again?
Mitchell : Um, it was just... just a head bump, you know?
Dr Miura : How are you feeling?
Mitchell : Uh, fine.
Dr Miura : So is Lily. Babies are designed to survive new parents, so stop worrying. You guys are doing great.
Cameron : Thank you.
Dr Miura : Denver.
Jay : I don't see any ponchos, Which means either the kids don't wear them or the ones who do wear them disappear.
Gloria : We're doing the right thing.
Gloria : I support Manny no matter what. Children need to know that you believe in them. It's the most important thing. If you tell them they have wings, they will believe they can fly.
Jay : Oh, really? I had a buddy went to Woodstock, believed he could fly... didn't end great. It's why hotel windows don't open anymore.
Manny : Is something wrong? Who's died?
Gloria : No one, Manny.
Jay : Why would you even think that?
Gloria : In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar elementary school. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.
Jay : Well, we got your poncho here.
Manny : I thought you said it made me look like my neck was wearing a dress.
Jay : That was a joke.
Manny : Oh, good it's still in the pocket.
Jay : What do you got there buddy?
Manny : My pan flute. I'm going to play some Colombian folk music for my new classmates.
Jay : Huh. Great.
Gloria : I've never been more proud of you. I'm sure your friends are gonna love it. Break the flute.
Jay : What?
Gloria : The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance... My son will die a virgin.
Jay : That's right.
Jay : Hey, sport, can I take a look at that whistle? Oh, geez, look at that!
Gloria : And now you stepped on it!
Jay : What? Oh, darn! Wh-what's wrong with me?!
Cameron : Here, let me get it.
Mitchell :Thank you. You know what, actually, maybe you should do this. I-I don't want to bump her head against the door, You know, pinch her with the seat belt.
Cameron : Mitchell, how long are you gonna beat yourself up over one mistake? Is this gonna be like the blond highlights all over again?
Mitchell : I just... I think I suck at being a father.
Cameron : What are you talking about? We're new at this.
Mitchell : Yeah, but you're such a natural. I mean, look at you. You walk into the room, and she lights up. You... you change her diaper with one hand. I... Nice, I'm actually jealous of you.
Cameron : There are so many things that you do that I can't. You... you baby-proofed the entire house. You took care of all the adoption paperwork. Without you, we wouldn't even have a baby to injure. Just a couple of forms.
Mitchell : Actually, that was a lot of paperwork.
Cameron : And you got her on all those preschool waiting lists.
Mitchell : I can't believe you were gonna wait until she was old enough.
Cameron : You see, that's what makes us a great team. We each have our own strengths. Now... Who are amazing parents?
Mitchell : We are.
Cameron : I can't hear you.
Mitchell : We are!
Cameron : Don't you forget it.
Mitchell : Okay. Did we just lock our baby in the car?
Cameron : Did you put the keys in the bag?!
Mitchell : I put the keys in the bag. That's what we always...
Cameron : Oh, Mitchell, I told you not to put the keys in the bag!
Mitchell : Don't freak out. Come on, don't freak out!
Cameron : Lily, it's okay!
Mitchell : * a, b, c, d, e, f, g *
Cameron : What, are you singing to her? People get arrested for this, Mitchell! We have to keep her calm.
Mitchell : * h, I, j, k, l, m, n, o, p *
Cameron : Do all four doors lock?! Do you have a phone?!
Phil : what?
Claire : I didn't say anything.
Phil : I couldn't hear you. I'm cranking one of my mash-ups.
Claire : Oh.
Phil : Hey, hey! There they are. How was the first day back in prison?
Alex : Fine.
Luke : Yeah. What are you guys doing?
Phil : Your mom and I are racing to the mailbox on sequoia and back.
Alex : Why?
Claire : I don't know.
Phil : Oh, she knows. Hey, buddy, as soon as I'm done kicking a little mom butt here, How about I school you in some Mariokart?
Luke : Can't. Got to work on my journal.
Phil : Lame! Hey, uh, Alex, you?
Alex : I have a history paper.
Phil : Well, if you want see a little history being made right here...
Alex : Not really.
Phil : Okay. Ready?
Claire : Are you?
Phil : I was born ready. I came out of the womb wearing tiny, little, golden...
Claire : Go!
Phil : ...Wings.
Cameron : I'm breaking the window!
Trina : Emergency assistance. This is Trina.
Mitchell : Help! We locked our baby in the car, and people are judging us!
Cameron : I swear to god, I'm gonna break it!
Mitchell : Do not break the window! You'll get glass on her!
Trina : Sir, please tell your wife to relax. Everything is going to be okay.
Mitchell : That's a man.
Trina : Really?
Cameron : Don't worry, Lily! Lily, daddy's coming for you!
Trina : Sir, we just sent the signal. The door should be unlocked now.
Mitchell : Check... check the door. Check the door, check the door.
Cameron : It's not unlocked! Oh! oh...
Mitchell : Okay.
Cameron : That is amazing. How did they do that?
Mitchell : I don't know. It's just... We got it. Thank you.
Cameron : Did that come from space?
Claire : I run five miles a day. I have a resting heart rate of 48. There is no way I'm going to lose a two-mile race to Johnny Ski Pole.
Phil : Just saving my energy... drafting off of you. You feeling cocky?
Claire : Yeah, I am.
Phil : I love it!
Claire : But after seeing that t-shirt, I realized something. The first day of school is tough on all my kids, especially the one I married.
Phil : Boo boo boop! Afterburners engaged! Ooh! Don't choke on my smoke! And down the stretch he goes! I don't believe it! Daddy wins! Do you believe in miracles?! U.S.A.! U.S... Oh, no!
Claire : Oh, geez!
Haley : Oh, my... What was that?! Was that a person?!
Phil : I'm good!
Haley : Dad?!
Phil : I'm good! I'm good!
Claire : Are you okay?
Phil : You're getting better, sweetheart.
claire : Did I lose the race to make him feel better? Maybe. But it just seemed like he could use a win today. We do strange things for the people we love. We lie to them. We lie for them. There may be some bumps along the way, But we never stop wanting the best for them. That's what makes it such a tough job... But kind of the best job in the world.
Claire : What are you doing?! Keep your eyes on the road!
Phil : Eyes on the road!
Alex : Oh, my god! Oh, my...
Phil : oh. Uh-oh. ‘Kay.
Claire : All right, sweetie, this happens. Remain calm. That's the first thing. Pull over right here. I'll get out the registration.
Haley : Mom, I don't like cops.
Claire : Okay, pull over right there.
Haley : I don't like cops.
Claire : All right, there's a space right here.
Haley : I can't pull over. No, I can't.
Claire : You need to pull over.
Haley : I can't pull over. I don't like cops.
Claire : You got to pull over.
Phil : No can do. I got priors.
Haley : I'm speeding up.
Phil : The parking ticket from the mall... I never paid the parking ticket! Keep moving, sweetheart!
Haley : Dad agrees with me... I can speed up!
Claire : It's not a movie, Haley! Pull over!
