Phil : Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon. It's a bit of a risk serving fish to a first-time diner at Dunphy's. Maybe I should marinate a steak for backup.
Alex : I think someone has a man crush.
Phil : First of all, I would never date a potential client.
Claire : That's "first of all"?
Phil : Secondly, I really need this to go well so he makes me his realtor. This guy's flipping properties like they're extras in a kung fu movie.
Alex : So you're just kissing up to this guy for his money?
Phil : Not just. I really like him. He travels the world doing charity work, rock climbs, flies planes...
Luke : How does he have time to do all that?
Phil : Got divorced, and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream. His dream. Not my dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
Claire : You can stop.
Haley : I so don't want to do this.
Claire : Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a "big sister."
Haley : Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil : She capitalized the "b" and the "s."
Haley : Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil : So Claire and I suggested...
Haley : Forced.
Phil : That she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire : We could. Little bit.
Mitchell : Hey, dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay : I'll tell you if you can answer the following question... What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell : I don't know. What?
Jay : Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud-dweller. The other's a fish.
Mitchell : Zing! Honk!
Cameron : Okay, everyone, dinner is served! Let's get it!
Cameron : Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here for a few days. I am very excited to have 72 hours with this one.
Gloria : We don't get to spend much time together, so I know that we're gonna be like, um...
Cameron : Fred and Ginger?
Gloria : Who?
Cameron : Movie night!
Jay : It's nosier than usual around here.
Cameron : Oh, gosh!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Claire : Tad, this wine is fantastic.
Tad : Spend a week in Mendoza, and you'll find a dozen or so malbec producers that'll give most Bordeaux a real run for their money.
Claire : Mm.
Tad : I'm sorry. This should come with a warning... "may cause pretentiousness."
Phil : You should come with a warning... "may be fascinating." Oh! Excuse me.
Claire : Oh, oh, gosh! Oh. Ow. Oh, that's, like, the ninth time this screw has popped out.
Phil : Oh, you know what? I need the angled screwdriver. I left it at the office. Mm. I, um, I keep it there because o... of all my signs. I'll, uh, put up a "for sale" sign, and next day, of course, I gotta put up the "sold" banner.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : Then the next day, same deal... "for sale "sold."
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : "For sale." "Sold." "For sale." "Sold."
Claire : You're a great... great salesman.
Tad : I'm getting that.
Phil : "For sale." "Sold."
Tad : Right. Listen, I-I-I gotta go relieve the babysitter. My ex-wife took 50% of my stuff and left me 100% of my kids. They're great.
Phil : Hey, listen, um, thank you so much for coming.
Claire : Yeah, yeah.
Tad : Oh, no, thank you, Phil, so much for the salmon and the steak and the chicken and the shrimp. I mean, it was all just delicious.
Phil : Oh, great.
Tad : This guy is very lucky to have you. Okay. Thanks.
Phil : Yeah.
Tad : All right.
Phil : Let me grab that.
Tad : Yeah. Yeah. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.
Claire : Bye-bye. Did you see that?
Phil : A handshake that almost became a hug? Yeah, I saw it. I lived it. I think I'm in.
Claire : No, honey. He kissed me on the lips.
Phil : Another good sign!
Claire : It's not a good sign. Sweetie, you don't think that's weird?
Phil : Well, the guy's a world traveler. He has a time share in Costa Rica. That's probably how they do it there.
Claire : I don't know, honey. It felt like he lingered.
Phil : It's a progressive culture. Most of them travel by zip line.
Jay : Biscuits and gravy?
Cameron : Yep, my grandma Bitsy's secret recipe, given to her by her housekeeper Delilah, who raised her and was her best friend... kind of like "The Help," except Delilah was white, and was actually herself quite the racist. Eat up.
Gloria : Good morning!
Manny : Hi, mom.
Jay : Hi, sweetheart.
Gloria : Ah, where did those come from?
Manny : Yeah, I thought amaryllis were out of season.
Cameron : Oh, I got a guy. You know, I just thought they'd brighten up the house a little bit.
Gloria : Oh, that was so thoughtful of you.
Gloria : I didn't realize that my house needed brightening up.
Cameron : There she is!
Lily : Gloria! Gloria!
Gloria : Ay! Let me fix your hair!
Cameron : Oh. Well, isn't that sweet?
Cameron : I didn't realize her hair was broken.
Mitchell : Ah! That smells delicious, but nothing for me. I've got an early work lunch.
Jay : Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.
Mitchell : Yeah, it's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.
Cameron : Oh, is this that meeting with the deejay with the funny name?
Mitchell : Booker Bell.
Cameron : Booker Bell.
Jay : Booker Bell?
Mitchell : Everybody now!
Jay : Booker Bell was only the greatest deejay in the history of Drive Time Radio.
Mitchell : Yeah, well, now he has some wetlands that developers want, and we're trying to get him to donate for preservation.
Jay : When I was on the road selling, I used to listen to Booker all the time. He practically invented the prank phone call.
Mitchell : Okay. Wish me luck.
Cameron : Good luck, sweetie!
Jay : Booker would play a prank, the sucker would be twisting in the wind, and just when you couldn't stand it anymore, he'd say, "guess who just got their bell rung!" God, I'd love to meet him.
Cameron : Oh, they're just going down to Rae's. You should pop down. I'm sure he'd love to meet a fan.
Jay : I don't know. I met Boz Scaggs once, got all tongue-tied.
Cameron : Oh, you'll be fine. Oh! Oh, Lily, it's time for school, sweetie.
Gloria : Oh, I can take her.
Lily : Yay! Yay!
Cameron : Oh. That'd be great. Yeah, it'd give me some more time to clean the kitchen. Maybe do a little dusting.
Jay : Delicious, Cam.
Haley : Annie was amazing, so funny and cute and sweet.
Alex : Yeah, you've said.
Haley : She made this for me last night. Look how she signs her name with that big loopy "a." I'm totally going to frame this.
Alex : I made this for Haley four years ago. You think this got framed? She tossed it in the garbage... Right after she wrote "Mrs. Haley Jonas Brothers" on it, like, 30 times.
Mitchell : The tax write-off alone makes financial sense. You know, even if you take the environment out of it.
Booker : Well, don't take the environment out of it. Without the wetlands, there's no ducks, and without the ducks, there's nothing for me to shoot at.
Mitchell : Okay. Well, we're shooting from two different angles, but, uh, hopefully we'll end up at the same place.
Jay : Mitch.
Mitchell : Dad?
Jay : I just had to stop down and meet this guy. Booker Bell, I'm Boz Scaggs... No! I mean Jay Pritchett. Damn it.
Booker : It's nice to meet you.
Jay : This is such an honor. You are hands down my favorite radio personality of all time.
Booker : That's kind of you to say.
Mitchell : Okay. Well, thanks for stopping by, dad.
Jay : You know, I gotta tell you one thing.
Mitchell : I'll see you back at the house.
Jay : One time when I was driving from Youngstown to Sugar Creek, you called this guy at a Kitty Litter Company and you asked him to bring over 900 pounds of litter, and in the background, you hear all these lions roaring, and... I-I-I laughed so hard, I almost had an accident.
Booker : The car or you?
Jay : Funny as ever! Anyway... Hey, are you still in touch with the old gang? Grandma Groovy? Spaceman Clyde?
Booker : Are you kidding? I am the old gang.
Jay : No way.
Booker : I may be old, but I still know how to boggie.
Jay : My God, it's like she's here!
Mitchell : She is here! How are you still not getting this? That's her.
Booker : Excuse me for a sec.
Mitchell : What are you doing?
Jay : What? I'm a fan. I came down to say hi.
Mitchell : This is a business meeting. Do you have any idea how inappropiate this is? No. No, of course you don't, because as far as you're concerned, all a lawyer does is walk into a bar with a rabbi and polar bear.
Jay : Grizzly, 'cause otherwise, with the bartender...
Mitchell : Dad! I'm working! You're embarrasing both of us! Please, you gotta go!
Jay : Okay, I didn't realize that.
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah. You didn't.
Jay : I'm sorry,
Mitchell : Go!
Booker : Hey. Where's my stalker?
Mitchell : Oh, he's gone. I've got rid of him. I'm sorry that he attacked you like that.
Booker : Attacked? No, I don't mind a little smoke of my bloomers.
Mitchell : Well, just I thought since this was a business meeting, we should...
Booker : And you thought that maybe hanging with somebody would make me feel good with racket?
Mitchell : There's been a lot of tension between me and my dad. I'm actually staying at his house...
Booker : Oh, so you chased away a man who's opening his home to you.
Mitchell : I get the sense that I'm losing you. Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?
Phil : : Honey, I'm home.
Tad : Hell, I didn't expect you so early dear..
Phil : What? You?
Claire : Yeah, look who came by to fix the table.
Tad : Well, I had some time to kill, so I thought I'd drop by with that tool your wife needed.
Phil : Wow. What a guy. Yeah.
Claire : Mm-hmm. He also brought some wine.
Tad : Well, you said you liked it last night, so I had a couple extra bottles lying around.
Phil : Boy, do you know the way to this gal's heart.
Tad : Okay. I didn't just come here to fix your table and get your wife drunk. I actually decided to give you that listing on the sycamore property.
Phil : Really? That's great.
Tad : Yeah. Why don't you, uh, come over for dinner tonight? And, uh, we'll work out all the details. One entree. Okay. Claire, you should come, too.
Claire : Oh, no, no. No, no, if it's business...
Tad : I insist.
Phil : He insists. We'll be there. We're coming.
Tad : Okay. Yeah, shall we say, uh, 7:00?
Phil : 7:00 sounds great.
Tad : Okay.
Phil : All right.
Tad : I'll let myself out.
Claire : Wow.
Phil : "Wow" is right.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : I just got sycamore... a house that sells itself and gives me the commission.
Claire : How does that not bother you?
Phil : Claire, it's an expression. There's work. Inspections, appraisals...
Claire : He brought me wine, he took his shirt off when you weren't here!
Phil : Um, he brought us wine, and it doesn't look super vacuumed down there. I'm surprised he kept his pants on.
Claire : Okay. Okay, I can see what's going on. You... you're just so focused on getting his business, that you don't see what's going on in front of you.
Phil : Okay. Now I do see what's going on.
Claire : What?
Phil : Come here, pretty girl.
Claire : What? Mm?
Phil : You are, you know. You don't hear it enough. The other night, when you put on makeup, I was like, "there she is."
Claire : Oh, my God. You think I'm making this up as some part of a-an ego boost? Do you realize how insulting that is?
Alex : What are you doing?
Haley : Helping my little sister with her homework.
Alex : That seems... mean.
Haley : Annie, this is Alex. That other sister I was telling you about.
Annie : Hi. So nice to meet you.
Alex : Um, if you're going to study there, you might need to correct numbers 7 through 10. This bed has higher standards than that bed.
Annie : I'm going to get some more lemonade. I think your sister's mad at our sister.
Gloria : We're back!
Cameron : Oh, well, there you are. I guess "lunch then home" means different things to different people.
Gloria : We had a girls' day. Lily, Lily, come! Show your papa what we bought!
Lily : Matchy jackets!
Gloria : It's like she's the baby leopard, and I'm the mama.
Cameron : Or they just happened to have two jackets, one large, one small.
Gloria : What happened here? Where is my tea?
Cameron : Oh, it's in this drawer over here. As a thank-you, I took some time to rearrange your kitchen so it makes sense.
Gloria : To who?
Cameron : To everyone. There's a flow now. Watch... Tea. Mug. Kettle. You're welcome.
Gloria : I didn't thank you.
Cameron : You don't have to.
Gloria : I won't.
Manny : Cam, our shared bathroom is not the place to work out whatever's going on here.
Manny : I'm a child of divorce. Conflict resolution is something of a specialty. The key is, tell a personal story that applies to their situation, even if you have to make one up. That way, they really hear what they need to hear.
Cameron : I'm sorry. You're right.
Manny : No. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm just going through some stuff with this girl I like, Danielle. She came over the other day, and Stella was all over her, and--and I got jealous. Which is crazy, right? I mean, Stella was only playing with her because she was new.
Cameron : Manny, sounds like Danielle was trying to get between you and your puppy, and that ain't cool. She seems immature, and you can do better. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm going through something myself right now. So, chin up. Okay.
Manny : It may not work every time, but you only need one fish to bite.
Gloria : Who is this Danielle?
Manny : She's my study partner in my history class, and we share a notebook. But her notes were really confusing, so I put them in order. Instead of thanking me for making our lives easier, she got all mad because she thought I was judging her.
Gloria : This girl is very bad news, Manny. You stay away from her.
Phil : Hey.
Claire : Hi.
Phil : We're Phil and Claire.
Tony : Hey, I'm Tony. Come on in. I'll go get my dad.
Claire : Okay.
Phil : Great, thanks.
Claire : Wow. I don't like the way that kid was looking at you.
Phil : We are not friends right now.
Claire : I am only here to help pump up the college fund.
Phil : Claire, if Tad even makes a move towards you, his ass is... grass.
Claire : Really? I thought that was just my ego.
Phil : So far, yeah, but just know, I'm ready to grass his ass.
Tad : Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Phil : Hey! How are you!
Tad : Good.
Phil : Good to see you.
Tad : Yeah.
Claire : Hi. That's good.
Phil : Well, I love the place.
Phil : Did you remodel this?
Tad : Uh, actually, my ex-wife. She had a, uh, passion for modern architecture and at least one modern architect. May have to sell this one next.
Phil : Really? Wow. I love how open it is. Do you mind if I, uh, poke around?
Tad : Please, yeah.
Phil : Beautiful.
Ellen : Tad, if you don't need my help anymore with the kids, I'll be going.
Tad : Thank you so much, Ellen.
Ellen : You're welcome.
Tad : Okay. We'll see you later. Bye.
Phil : I saw this house eight years ago. There used to be a wall here, right?
Tad : That's right. That's right. That was all covered.
Phil : Yeah. I'm a detail guy. Hard to get much past me.
Kara : Hello, hello!
Tad : Hi, Aunt Kara! Hey! How are you?
Kara : Good, Tad, how you doing?
Tad’s daughter : Bye, daddy.
Tad : Bye, sweetie.
Tony : Bye, dad.
Tad : Have fun.
Kara : Okay. See you later. Come on, guys, let's go.
Phil : These stairs used to be teak, am I right?
Tad : This guy's good.
Claire : Yeah, he's good. He's sharp.
Ellen : I forgot my bag.
Tad : You do that every time.
Phil : Yep. I don't miss much.
Haley : Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to read?
Alex : You're the one who tries to read.
Haley : Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!
Alex : Seriously, Haley, you think you are the coolest person ever!
Haley : Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?
Alex : "Look at me! I'm so cool!"
Luke : Enough! Enough! I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.
Haley : Wow.
Alex : I've never seen him like that.
Haley : Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of... our little sister.
Alex : Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley : I miss her.
Luke : I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley : You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Alex : Betty Luke!
Luke : I will burn this house down!
Gloria : Where is the cheese grater? Where is the cutting board?
Cameron : Where would you want it to be?
Gloria : Yes, right here next to the cheese grater.
Gloria : I know it's hard to tell by looking at me, but I am not a natural homemaker. So when Cam came and organized my kitchen, I felt insecure and lashed out. In a way, I'm no better than Manny's crazy friend Danielle.
Cameron : Please, can we just focus on the cooking?
Lily : Daddy, we forgot to give you this. It's like our jackets.
Cameron : I love it.
Cameron : I guess I've always been a little sensitive about Lily not having a mother, and Gloria's so good at it. I got jealous. Maybe I should tell Manny this story. It might help him with that train wreck Danielle.
Cameron : You know what? Why don't you turn that music back on. Was kind of nice.
Mitchell : Hey, dad...
Jay : No need to talk about it. I was out of line coming down there, won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.
Mitchell : No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
Jay : I guess we're gonna talk about it.
Mitchell : I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay : Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell : Pretty sure that's... that's not the saying, but, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. She sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.
Jay : Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say, "what do lawyers use as birth control?" And the answer is, "their personalities," I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control. Hello? Yeah, this is Jay Pritchett. What? When? What happened? It's the police. My car got stolen. Yeah, 2012. Gray. No, not pewter. More like a light... Like a... no, not slate. I don't even know what "coastal fog" is. Just put down "gray." Kilo? It's not my car. Yes, she's Columbian. What does that have to do with... no, I'm coming down there. Hang on. Grab your keys. I think I might need a lawyer.
Booker : Guess who just got his bell rung?
Mitchell : That's good. That's good.
Tad : Here we go. Have a seat. I got a bottle of port from 1899.
Claire : Whoa.
Phil : Wow!
Tad : Okay, I got it for $18.99... But it's a good one.
Phil : Fun night, right? Great dinner?
Claire : Yes. Yes, and... Tad is... great, and I know I was giving you a hard time...
Phil : Hey.
Claire : But I feel like I should say that I am sorry.
Phil : Hey, hey, hey, Claire, you don't need to explain. Your apology is apology enough.
Tad : Oh, I forgot the best part of the Costa Rica story. So we get home, and they've taken over the living room, they've taken over the kitchen, I mean, they're in the food, they're on the bed. And finally, after two years of complaining to Diego about this, he finally stops and says, "okay, now I see it. You do have a monkey problem."
Claire : A monkey problem!
Phil : Yeah, I heard him the first time.
Phil : You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take my wife to bed, comma, and make her laugh.
Tad : I mean, they're in everything. The only thing they didn't touch... the bananas.
Claire : The monkeys love bananas! You would think they would love the bananas.
Phil : Yeah, we should go.
Claire : Come on. The bananas...
Phil : Yeah, we need to go. We gotta get going.
Claire : Oh, no, no, no.
Phil : Yeah, yeah, we're late.
Claire : But he just opened the...
Phil : We're late for getting home. Thanks for everything. Just...
Tad : Oh.
Claire : Okay.
Tad : Okay.
Claire : What is wrong with you?
Phil : You laughed like it was "who's on first?"
Claire : What? He's on second.
Phil : Don't try to cheer me up.
Claire : I know what's going on here. You're jealous.
Phil : Of him? He's not even funny! What's he got? Like, a soft ten minutes? And he goes to the Costa Rican well a little too much for my taste.
Claire : Oh, God.
Phil : Really? This is still about the monkey?
Claire : No! No, no, no! It's you. You are making me so happy right now. You stormed out of there, and you're acting like an idiot.
Phil : You like this? Because I am really uncomfortable.
Claire : Honey, I love it. Makes me feel special.
Phil : Sometimes, I really don't understand you.
Claire : I know. It's stupid, but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll fight for me, and all I have to do is laugh at some other guy's story. But no one makes me laugh like you do.
Phil : As long as it's always genuine.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : You can fake anything you want with me, but not your laugh. I'd like to go back.
Claire : Yeah.
Luke : Stop it! Leave me alone!
Alex : Hold still!
Haley : Stop moving!
Luke : I hate you! Get off of me!
Phil : What... is going on?
Claire : You guys are in a lot of trouble. Haley, I told you to clean this mess up, and, Alex, your books are everywhere. Betty Luke, sit down while your dad gets the camera.
Phil : Got it.
Claire : Last time, you made a funny face and we didn't really get a good shot, so let's work on our smile.
Phil : Okay. Good to see you, Betty Luke.
