Gloria : Did you see it?
Mitchell : Does she know?
Phil : This is the last thing she needs today. No!
Phil : Busy day at the Dunphy compound. We have a wedding tonight, and this afternoon, Claire is debating Duane Bailey in the race for town council. And now the "weekly saver" says that some voters find Claire... quote... "angry and unlikable." To those voters, I say, "wait till she sees this."
Phil : No one can mention it to her. We can't have some unscientific poll shaking Claire's confidence.
Claire : Phil... What poll?
Phil : Too late. She knows.
Mitchell : Who told her?
Phil : What is this, a witch hunt?
Claire : Oh, my God.
Phil : I have to go.
Claire : Well, I just don't think it's a big deal. I mean, how many people read the "weekly..."
Haley : "Saver"?
Claire ! "Saver," anyway?
Phil : 22,000... ish. My company adver... used to advertise with that newspaper.
Claire : And how am I angry and unlikable?
Alex : Can I take this one?
Phil : I wouldn't.
Haley : You seem angry now.
Claire : I am angry, at that poll.
Luke : I think it's the yelling. I would tone down the yelling.
Claire : Honey, I don't yell for no reason.
Luke : You yelled at my teacher for calling me "special."
Claire : Honey, that was not a compliment.
Phil : Sweetheart, you're not unlikable.
Claire : Thank you.
Phil : You just seem unlikable.
Claire : Ohh.
Phil : But if we work on it, it's totally fixable.
Claire : How? How, Phil? How are we gonna "work on it"?
Phil : First of all, lose the snippy attitude.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Phil : And I don't know... maybe we could have a mock debate.
Alex : Oh. Good idea. That way, mom can rehearse her views on the issues.
Phil : Yeah, and we can point out all the little things she does that turn people off. Like that look. I would lose that look. Spooky, but better.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : All right. Thank you very much. Hey, Lily! Come here, honey! Hi! Do you know what this is?
Lily : A box.
Mitchell : Containing?
Cameron : She doesn't know "containing."
Mitchell : Well, that's how she learns new words, by us using them.
Cameron : Or, that's how we lower her self-esteem, by bombarding her with confusing vocabulary.
Lily : What's the box containing?
Mitchell : Told you.
Cameron : Okay. It's your dress. It's finally here!
Mitchell : Aah!
Cameron : It's every little girl's dream to be a flower girl in a wedding.
Mitchell : It's Lily's chance to shine.
Cameron : I was a 3-time ring bearer.
Mitchell : It's Lily's chance to shine.
Mitchell : Oh!
Lily : Pretty!
Mitchell : Oh, no, Cam... Cam, she's gonna look like little bo peep.
Cameron : Or little bo cheap. Look at this fabric. It's already pilling.
Mitchell : Maybe it will look better on.
Cameron : You mean turned on?
Mitchell : No, it does not... Cam! Oh!
Lily : I love it!
Cameron & Mitchell : No, you don't.
Cameron : Oh, my gosh. Are we really gonna let her wear this?
Mitchell : You know what? If the bride wants to have a tacky wedding, she can have a tacky wedding. Lily will be the bright spot.
Cameron : Literally.
Mitchell : Heard it as soon as I said it.
Jay : Stella! Where's my good girl? Gloria, is Stella up there?
Gloria : No. But I am. Why don't you say "hello" to your wife when you come home?
Jay : Well, why don't you greet me at the door, wagging your tail? Stella, honey! Where are you? Stella! My baby! Stella, I'm coming! I'm coming! You okay? You okay?
Gloria : Why are you swimming in your clothes?
Jay : Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.
Manny : It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.
Jay : Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.
Gloria : Seriously? Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool, but the dog gets swimming lessons?
Manny : I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.
Jay : We have to teach Stella how to swim. Otherwise, she could drown.
Gloria : Why don't you teach her not to jump in the pool?
Jay : She didn't jump in the pool. She fell in the pool. Why, suddenly, would she jump in the pool when she doesn't know how to swim?
Gloria : Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing. It is never going to play with you.
Jay : Are you saying that Stella is stupid?
Gloria : Are you covering her ears?
Jay : Let's have a little compassion. She's probably still traumatized from her near-death experience. Again? What's happening?!
Gloria : Ay, no!
Alex : Welcome, candidates. Mrs. Dunphy...
Claire : Thank you for having me.
Alex : And councilman Bailey.
Phil : Gosh, thank you so much, Alex. I'm deeply honored to be here, and I remain, as ever, a humble servant to the greatest little town in the greatest darn...
Luke : Eye-rolling.
Claire : Playful eye rolling.
Alex : How do we, as voters, know it's playful? I would avoid it.
Claire : Okay. No eye rolling.
Haley : And don't purse your lips like that. It makes you look annoyed.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Luke : And don't touch your face.
Haley : Yeah, no face touching. Seems nervous.
Claire : Some of this is subjective. What? What now?
Haley & Luke : Finger.
Luke : It looks like you're scolding us.
Claire : I will keep my hands at my sides.
Phil : Not on your hips. You're not superman.
Alex : Can we get started?
Claire : We haven't started?
Alex : I've prepared some questions.
Claire : Oh, goody! Actual questions.
Phil : Honk. Sarcasm.
Claire : Just go.
Alex : Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, why are you running for local office?
Claire : Okay, that's, um, that's good. I... um, I...
Alex : Mom, you really shouldn't stutter over a basic question like that. You should at least know why you're running.
Claire : I thought the moderator was supposed to be objective.
Alex : Not if she's the only one in the room who has actual debate experience. Now why are you running?
Claire : I saw the need for a stop sign in...
Phil : Liar!
Claire : Phil!
Phil : I-I just think you should be ready for anything.
Claire : I saw the need for a s... What?
Luke : Sorry. Accidental buzz.
Claire : I saw the need for a stop sign in my neighborhood, and although I collected the necessary signatures and did the paperwork, I found local government to be entirely unhelpful... when... what?
Haley : Too long. I'm bored.
Luke : Yeah, next question. I feel like I'm in school.
Alex : Some say the political system is bogged down by ideological hard-liners unwilling to compromise.
Claire : Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Alex : How would you respond to that, councilman Bailey?
Phil : I would like to use my lifeline.
Claire : I'll take this. If elected, I would consider all perspectives, and I would not ignore opposing viewpoints.
Phil : Helicopter. Just keep going.
Claire : I would consider all perspectives, and I wouldn't ignore opposing...
Luke : You suck!
Claire : Luke!
Luke : You have to be ready for hecklers.
Phil : He's right.
Claire : Okay. I'm doing over. No buzzing. If elected, I... What?
Phil : Too close to the mic.
Claire : Phil, it's a hairbrush.
Phil : Okay.
Claire : If elected, I would consider all opinions and not ignore those of the opposition, as councilman Bailey has done for six terms. What? That was a great answer.
Haley : Well, I couldn't hear it because you were showing me the bad side of your face.
Claire : I have a bad side? Yeah, the left.
Phil : No. It's the right.
Haley : Uh, dad, it's totally the left. I mean, look at it.
Phil : Sweetheart, why do you think I chose my side of the bed?
Claire : Okay! Okay. Thank you. Thank you, family. This has been super-duper helpful.
Haley : Hands, lips, sarcasm, eye-rolling, wrong side of the face.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Yep. She's ready.
Cameron : And it's this, and it's this. Not this, but this.
Mitchell : Okay. Okay, that's good, Cam.
Cameron : And this.
Mitchell : Save... let's save some petals for Lily, all right? Okay. Let's do it over here, sweetheart.
Cameron : Right over here. Okay. There you go. Oh, like you're coming down the aisle!
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Cameron : Not too many at once.
Mitchell : That's good. Okay. You're doing great, Lil.
Cameron : Oh, she is, isn't she?
Mitchell : Forget the bride. All the eyes are gonna be on her.
Lily : Oh ***
Mitchell : I cannot believe you laughed!
Cameron : I am sorry. But you know I have two weaknesses... children cursing and old people rapping.
Mitchell : Cam, we have to tell her it's a bad word.
Cameron : No. That just gives it more power. The less we make of it, the better. Let's just pretend like it never happened.
Mitchell : Okay. Yeah, maybe it... maybe it didn't. Maybe we... maybe we misheard.
Cameron : Yeah. Maybe she said "truck." Or... or "duck." Or "luck." She could have said "yuck."
Lily : Daddy, can I have some ice cream?
Mitchell : No, honey, if you're hungry, you can have some fruit.
Lily : Fruit? ***
Mitchell : I have two children.
Claire : Phil? Phil, is this televised?
Phil : I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make you nervous.
Claire : Great plan. Really good plan. Throw me for a curveball at the last minute.
Alex : Mom, chill. It's just public access. My debate team's on public access, and the only people who watch me are you guys.
Phil : Yep. All the time.
Claire : So maybe nobody will see this?
Phil : No. We want people to see this. That's how you win elections. That's the whole point.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Luke : Then mom should do something so crazy and stupid, it goes viral.
Haley : Mom, please don't go viral.
Claire : Okay. I'll add that to my list of things not to do... don't touch my face, don't roll my eyes, don't point my fingers, and definitely don't go viral. Do any of you still believe in me?
Phil : Of course we do. We're on your side.
Luke : The right side. Not the left.
Phil : Let's grab a seat.
Claire : Right. Left.
Alex : Okay. Mom, just be confident.
Claire : Mm-hmm? Based on what? I just lost a debate in my living room, and people think I'm unlikable.
Alex : That's just the word men use for powerful women because they feel threatened. So just forget everything else and be proud and powerful.
Claire : How did you get so smart?
Alex : I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.
Claire : Mm.
Alex : Hey. Hey. No kisses! Proud and powerful.
Claire : Sorry.
Alex : And no apologizing.
Claire : Yes! Shut up and get in there!
Alex : That's more like it!
Claire : Uh-huh!
Alex : Yeah!
Claire : Oh, God.
Jay : There she is! Go get 'em, Claire.
Claire : Thanks.
Gloria : Don't worry. We're going to cheer for you no matter what you say.
Claire : Oh, good. More support from my loving family.
Phil : Sarcasm. Why'd you bring Stella?
Manny : She keeps getting out and jumping in the pool. We don't wanna take any chances because she can't swim.
Alex : Then why does she keep jumping in the pool?
Jay : I've been thinking about it. I got a theory. She might be suicidal.
Gloria : What? That's crazy. There's not such thing as doggy suicide.
Duane : Hi. Duane Bailey. Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear. In addition to being a public servant, I'm also an award-winning breeder of puggles. I've won the puggly. Twice. And I'm afraid that doggy suicide is all too real. It's just the mainstream media doesn't report on it, 'cause it's not as sexy as feline A.I.D.S.
Gloria : Stella is not suicidal. She's just... estupid.
Duane : Well, that might be part of your problem. She senses you don't like her.
Jay : You have no idea. This one's been against this little angel from the very beginning.
Duane : Yeah, well, dogs pick up on that. You know, they're very sensitive. I like to call them, um... Bottomless pits of need. But not to their face, though. That would just destroy them. Not you.
Gloria : So now this is my fault?
Jay : I think he knows what he's talking about. The man won a puggly.
Duane : Two. I won two pugglies.
Jay : We're done here.
Duane : In 2000... Yeah.
Cameron : Do you have any idea what station this is on?
Mitchell : Here, I'll look online.
Cameron : It's a Webcast? That would have been helpful to know 900 channels ago.
Mitchell : No, it's on public access or something.
Lily : I wanna watch aunt Claire!
Mitchell : Okay. Well, first, honey, we need to talk about something. It's about that word you said this morning.
Lily : What word?
Mitchell : You know, the one that starts with "f"?
Lily : "Flower"?
Mitchell : No.
Lily : "Fruit"?
Mitchell : No.
Cameron : If she doesn't remember it, we shouldn't remind her.
Mitchell : Oh, well, she said it three times.
Lily : Oh, you mean ***
Mitchell : Cam, leave the room!
Cameron : No. I can do this. Lily, that is a bad word, and you are not allowed to say it ever.
Lily : But it makes you laugh.
Mitchell : Okay, well, daddy shouldn't be laughing, and you should never say that word. Do you understand?
Lily : Maybe.
Mitchell : Okay. This is not a game, all right? If you say that word one more time, I'm gonna take away all your toys! I'm serious! She knows I'm not serious.
Cameron : What about the wedding? What if she says it there? She's like a ticking time bomb!
Mitchell : Well, what are we gonna do, cancel?
Cameron : Yes. Maybe we just call and say, "we're not going to any more weddings until the gays can get married."
Mitchell : Oh, so now we're political? We leave town on gay pride weekend because we don't like the traffic.
Duane : But there's no substitute for experience. For example, I doubt my opponent is familiar with town ordinance 26-12B...
Claire : 26-12B has to do with noise pollution... something, sir, that you are guilty of right now.
Phil : Oh, no she di'int!
Alex : Go, mom!
Duane : Ladies and gentlemen...
Phil : Look at her eyes.
Luke : I know. They're a little too close together. It's been bugging me for years.
Phil : No, she's in the zone. She's ready for anything.
Duane : I do like to talk... about the issues. Speaking of issues, your husband seems to have some.
Claire : I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. What?
Duane : Oh, well, I wouldn't want to bring it up, but since you asked, um... In February of last year, your husband, one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at a local hotel for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Jay : Oh, jeez.
Claire : That's not true.
Duane : Ma'am, according to this police report, he, uh, broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked... and then posed provocatively on the bed.
Claire : That is technically true, but in all fairness, it was Valentine's day.
Duane : Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was Valentine's day. I'm not sure, uh, if your husband was born in this country. Ah. Perhaps he snuck in illegally, but here in America, we celebrate Valentine's day with chocolates, not our private parts.
Cameron : This is my new favorite show.
Mitchell : Shh!
Claire : No, sir, he was looking for me, his wife, and he walked into the wrong room.
Duane : If you believe that, I have some talking puggles I'd like to sell you.
Haley : Do you believe this?
Luke : Talking dogs? I'm skeptical.
Duane : I won the puggly. Twice.
Alex : Be strong.
Claire : I am glad that my opponent brought this up, as I feel that it speaks to his character more than mine. I think that we should raise the level of discourse and get back to the issues that the voters really care about.
Man : When he was naked, what were you wearing?
Claire : I... don't think that's relevant.
Woman : Are you sex freaks?
Claire : My personal life has nothing to do with this. Uh... the... my opponent has brought this up to distract from his own record, which shows that in... in six years, he has achieved nothing more than writing one ordinance that allows private parties to have more than eight dogs. Hmm. Hmm.
Jay : It's like watching the "hindenburg."
Gloria : This is the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Phil : Excuse me!
Jay : Stand by.
Phil : I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, um... I mean with their wives. Not me, them. Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing. But it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going. First of all... No charges were filed. Everyone had a good laugh... about the situation, not... not about me. Everything's fine down there. Anywho... Where were we?
Claire : All over YouTube. We went viral.
Phil : Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.
Phil : ♪ I... Like a lot of men in this town. I enjoy making love to my wife... wife and I don't know how to stop. I am a pervert. Pervert... per... ♪
Gloria : Jay! Manny! We should have been there already!
Jay : Gloria, I'm tying my tie!
Manny : I'm accessorizing!
Gloria : And I thought I was the woman. The door. Ay! Estella, no! No! Ay! No! No! Estella, don't do it! Don't kill yourself! You are a perfectly fine dog! I don't hate you! Estella, okay, I was a little mean to you, but that's no reason to kill yourself! You are young! You still have so much left to smell! Ay! I am... I go! I'm coming! I'm... Manny! Ay! Come on, Estella!
Jay : What happened?
Manny : Are you okay?
Gloria : She did it again.
Jay : And you jumped in to save her?
Gloria : No, Jay! I wanted to take a little swim before going to the wedding!
Jay : Get her a towel she's shaking like a leaf. Oh, no, no, I meant... I meant...
Gloria : Thank you, Jay. The dog towel for me. For the wife.
Claire : Hi!
Mitchell : Hey, guys, hi. Hi.
Cameron : Hey, what's shakin'? What's cooking?
Claire : You saw the debate, didn't you?
Cameron : : The de-what?
Mitchell : No, that wasn't... that was today? No, no. Was that on today? Oh, I didn't remember.
Claire : You are the worst liars.
Mitchell : It was phenomenal television.
Haley : Oh, Lily. What a... dress.
Cameron : Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet. How about there... we go.
Haley : Wow. Ohh.
Alex : Yikes.
Luke : She looks like a lite brite.
Claire : Luke, honey. Lily, sweetie, are you excited to be a flower girl? Yeah? Little bit nervous? Yeah? Why isn't she talking to me? Did she see the debate, too?
Mitchell : Nope, she's on verbal lockdown.
Claire : Oh?
Cameron : She's been dropping a certain curse word all day.
Mitchell : Yeah, so we're just hoping the next one doesn't happen during the wedding.
Phil : If it does, it'll be the second most embarrassing thing to happen to our family today.
Claire : Phil, you said it wasn't that bad.
Phil : That was in the car. We're in a church now.
Claire : Honey...
Luke : Somebody turn her off. I think I'm having a seizure.
Phil : Oh, buddy.
Claire : Oh. Yeah.
Gloria : Oh, good. I thought that we were going to miss Lily.
Cameron : Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily. Where have you guys been?
Gloria : I had to jump in the pool to save the stupid dog...
Jay : Who she loves.
Gloria : That I didn't let her down doesn't mean that I love her. I barely got Manny back in the pool after that possum incident.
Manny : I thought it drowned, but turns out it was just playing possum.
Gloria : Yes, papi.
Phil : Good job!
Claire : You know what the worst part of today was?
Alex : I imagine it's hard to choose.
Claire : When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.
Alex : No.
Claire : No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
Alex : No. No, dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.
Claire : Hmm. Maybe it's kind of our thing.
Phil : Ah. Some day, I'll walk you down the aisle.
Haley : If you're not in perv’ jail.
Minister : Please be seated. Friends, family, thank you for making...
Mitchell : Really?
Cameron : Well, you know I cry at weddings.
Mitchell : Oh, no.
Cameron : What?
Mitchell : Stop... stop crying.
Cameron : Well, just because you have ice water in your veins, doesn't mean that...
Mitchell : No. No, Lily... No. Lily... He's fine. Daddy's fine. Daddy's not sad.
Lily : Daddy, daddy! ***
Cameron : You see? I told you it was funny.
Lily : *** *** *** ***
Cameron : Excuse us. Congratulations.
Jay : Go on, you little motorboat! Look at her go! Where's she going? Oh, jeez, I think she's trying to get herself sucked into the filter. What'd you say to her?
Gloria : I didn't say anything!
Manny : Wait a second. Jay, look.
Gloria : See? She was not trying to kill herself. She was just trying to get to the squeaky wiener!
Jay : That must be why she's been jumping in. It must have been there all the time. That's hilarious!
Gloria : Ay, si! No, it's not!
Jay : Not now. I'm saying it will be. Later.
