Phil : There she is! The old library. That's some late nights in there. Some of them I even spent studying. Don't tell your mom.
Haley : And maybe don't tell me.
Phil : College!
Haley : He was shielding his eyes from the sun.
Phil : Knew it when I hit it.
Claire : Phil is taking Haley to visit his Alma Mater.
Phil : Loved college.
Claire : Mm, we were hoping some of that enthusiasm rubs off on her. Go, bullfrogs!
Phil : Dogs. Bulldogs. I feel like you do that on purpose.
Claire : No, it's just... I say "bull, " and I can't remember if it's frogs or dogs.
Phil : When I talk to my old friends from college, do we croak or do we bark?
Phil : I got it. Hello?
Phil : No way! Haley, no way! Check it out! After a few beers, my buds and I would jump on these lunch trays and race down this same hill. Hop on.
Haley : I don't want to to hop on.
Phil : Seriously, you'll get the giggles.
Haley : I don't want the giggles.
Phil : Hey, honey.
Claire : How's the trip going?
Phil : So good.
Claire : Go, bullfrogs.
Phil : It's dogs.
Claire : Oh, sorry. How's Haley doing?
Phil : She's... she's loving it. She's loving it. I showed her the student union. We visited the dorms. We sat in on a class. I really think she's starting to see what college has to offer. Oh, hang on, Claire. Go, bulldogs!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Gloria : Manny, who is this Bella girl, and why is her name all over your notebook?
Manny : Bella's no girl, mom. She has recently blossomed, like a purple lilac in April.
Gloria : What do you mean, she blossom? Like, the poo-berty?
Manny : Yeah. I'll get it.
Jay : Hey, Gloria, your show's about to start.
Gloria : Record it.
Jay : No, the DVR's filling up. Let's just watch and get it over with.
Jay : Gloria's always saying we should do more stuff together. So I agreed to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
Gloria : "Fuego y hielo."
Jay : Which apparently, is Spanish for "big hair and yelling."
Gloria : "Fire and ice." It's about human suffering. I relate to it.
Jay : I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can put a shirt on.
Gloria : Ay, what is that?
Manny : Oh, nothing.
Gloria : That doesn't look like a nothing. What is inside?
Manny : Oh, it's just something I bought. I'm gonna go open it in my room.
Gloria : I don't like this. Manny has never kept a secret from me.
Jay : Don't worry about it.
Gloria : What do you think it could be?
Jay : Well, right now I'm a little worried it could be the rest of my evening.
Claire : Mwah! Bye-bye. Love you.
Holly : Hey, Claire, listen. Uh, if you want, some of the moms are gonna stay and watch "Gone with the wind" in my new screening room. I got Pinot!
Claire : I would love to, but I'm not feeling that great, so I'm probably just gonna go home and rest. Plus I've seen that movie.
Claire : No, I never saw "Gone with the wind," but I have two kids at sleepovers, and Haley's out of town with Phil. That means I have one night to myself, which happens once every never. I am not spending it with some gossipy mom who was mean to me in High School. I need a fun night out.
Claire : What the hell is this? No. I asked you guys for a fun night out, not this. I-I-I need music and dancing and secondhand smoke.
Cameron : Oh, please give this place a chance. It's a great value. The room is so cozy, and the potpies are to die for.
Claire : Are you really comfortable with what you just said? Come on. What happened to the party people who took me to a rave, and I got to wear a tube top, and I stuffed cash in a caged go-go boy's speedo?
Mitchell : We're still party people.
Cameron : Oh, Joanne, before I forget, can I get a punch? One away from a free potpie.
Claire : If that was your gay card, it would be revoked.
Mitchell : Okay, you know what, Claire? You're being a little High School you.
Claire : I am sorry, Mitchell, but I get one free night, and I can't spend it at a place that is a proud supporter of Wilson Elementary.
Cameron : We all need to give back, Claire.
Claire : Give me back my night.
Mitchell : Okay, well, Longinus did invite us to a boutique opening, you know, cocktails, DJ. But it'll... it'll be a whole scene, though.
Claire : A scene? A scene is perfect. That's great. I will get in the car before you guys change your mind. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Cameron : So does that mean no potpies?
Mitchell : Uh, hey, Joanne? Two number nines to go.
Phil : Was I wrong? Are these not the best wings you've ever had in your life?
Haley : Oh, my God.
Phil : And you didn't wanna get 40. Oh, and by the way, this is just the start of your evening. Next up, it's over to the quad for a musical interlude from tenors, anyone? It's an all-male singing group...
Haley : Got it.
Girl : Weren't you on my tour this morning?
Haley : Yeah, I'm Haley, and this is my d...
Phil : Big Brother. You bought it for a second. How are you?
Girl : Okay. Anyway, you know what? There is a student mixer going on tonight. If you wanna go, me and a bunch of other girls are gonna head over there.
Haley : Oh! Uh, you know what? That's okay. My dad's got this whole thing planned... but thank you anyway.
Girl : No problem. Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phil : Nice meeting you. How fun is this? Just me and you. I was a little nervous you wouldn't see what's so special about this place. Not that I'm pushing you to come here. You know, you're... you're gonna make your own decisions. You wanna go with them, don't you?
Haley : No, we're doing our thing.
Phil : Yeah, quick. Before they leave.
Haley : Are you sure?
Phil : Go. I can handle it. You're not the first girl to leave me at this table with a plateful of chicken wings. I'm kidding! I wish I was kidding. You weren't supposed to hear that. Have fun.
Haley : Okay. Love you.
Phil : Love you.
Claire : Nose job.
Longines : Butt lift. Last summer, that thing was 4 inches off the ground.
Claire : What do they do with all the butt they take out?
Julian : I have a theory.
Longines : Oh, damn! Here comes my ex.
Julian : Who?
Cameron : Randolph?
Mitchell : Marcus?
Cameron : Lamichael?
Longines : No. Matt. I gotta go.
Claire : Drama. Love it! This is what I wanted.
Julian : Who needs a drink?
Mitchell : I could use a little seltzer water.
Julian : More bubbly, Claire?
Claire : Mm, I will be after I get a drink. See, that's what gay is supposed to be like.
Mitchell : Okay, I don't know about you, but I got about five minutes of fabulous left in me.
Cameron : Yeah, in my mind, I'm already in our kitchen. I'm watching my potpie rotate in the microwave.
Mitchell : Okay. Okay. When did hats come back?
Cameron : That one's come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady.
Claire : All right, there's, like, a thousand people waiting for wine. I wanna try on a couple of dresses, and then Julian here's gonna take us to a club across town.
Cameron : I think we're gonna go home.
Claire : What? Why? It's 9:30.
Mitchell : It's 9:30?
Claire : When did you two become such old women? First, you take me to that senior center for porridge, and now you can't even stay up past Luke's bedtime?
Cameron : It's Friday. We get tired on Fridays.
Mitchell : We get very tired.
Claire : I have 3 children. I've been tired since 2005. Let's rally. You're my ride.
Julian : If you want to stay out, I can take you home.
Claire : Really?
Julian : Of course.
Claire : Okay. All right, girls, go home, roll up your hair, clap out the lights, 'cause this guy, who I just met, is gonna show me a good time.
Mitchell : Okay, well, if he was straight, this would be just like High School.
Jay : This is ridiculous. She's obviously got a pistol under that poncho. How do you watch this stuff?
Gloria : He's been up there for more than one hour. I can't stand this.
Jay : Who's been up there? Ronaldo's doing the dishes right in front of her.
Gloria : Manny, in his bedroom.
Jay : Gloria, are you even watching this? I'm doing this for you.
Gloria : What does he has in that box that he cannot show to me?
Jay : Little boys are supposed to keep secrets from their mothers. Wait. The judge just peeked through the window. Is he interested in Celia now? She could be his daughter.
Gloria : I bet it's a birthday gift for me. Yeah, that sounds right.
Jay : What's he saying? I've never seen him this mad.
Gloria : Wait a minute. I already found my birthday gift underneath his bed. It's a giant hat. When did hats came back anyway?
Jay : Now she's reaching under the poncho. Like she's gonna shoot Ronaldo. He's the main character, right?
Gloria : That's it. I'm going up there.
Jay : Wait, Gloria. No. Don't go.
Gloria : Why not?
Jay : Think about it. 13-year-old boy, talks about girls all day long. We have more security on these computers than the Pentagon. What do you think he's doing up there... alone?
Gloria : Do you think he ordered some movies?
Jay : Movies, magazines, whatever the hell.
Gloria : How dare do you say that, Jay?! He's a little boy! He's just a boy. I don't want to talk to you. I'm gonna take a walk.
Jay : Gloria, come on. Come back. I know you're not mad at me. You just... Oh! What'd she do? Ronaldo!
Phil : Wang chung! Pay up, gentlemen! Yes! Thank you! Really? That's so nice. Another pitcher, my good woman.
Phil : Claire would have killed me if she'd known that I let Haley go off alone while I chilled in a bar with some undergrads, but I happen to trust my daughter. Also, I was tracking her location with the GPS on her phone.
Phil : Fellas, Cedar and Los Alamos. That's, uh...
Boy : Pi Chi house?
Phil : Pi Chi?
Mitchell : Oh, come on. Why is my Bluetooth not working? Oh, God. It's Longinus. He's gonna be so mad at us.
Cameron : Hey, Longe. Don't be mad at us for leaving.
Longines : I went back to our spot, and everybody was gone. Who does that to a sister?!
Mitchell : We're sorry, but the sitter called, and, uh, Lily was running a fever. So... we feel even worse about dumping Claire on you and your hot date.
Cameron : Who is gorgeous, by the way. Seems super funny, too. Perfect for you.
Longines : Please, I wish that was a date. He's my trainer, and he's straight.
Cameron : What? Julian's straight. Oh, I love it when a straight person and a gay person go out together.
Longines : I'd love it a lot more if he was gay.
Mitchell : Oh, my God. This isn't our car.
Cameron : What?
Mitchell : This isn't our Prius! They... they must've given us the wrong one at the valet. That's why the Bluetooth isn't working.
Cameron : We stole a car? Are you serious?
Longines : What's happening?
Cameron : Oh, we stole a car. Uh, we gotta go.
Mitchell : Okay, we did not steal a car, Cam. It was given to us.
Cameron : Why are you giving me attitude? You're the one that stole a car.
Mitchell : How is this a stolen car?! How?!
Cameron : I don't know! I'm confused! Do you have an aspirin?
Mitchell : This isn't my car!
Claire : Hey, Lukie. Hi. What's going on? I'll check. I have it. Well, I could bring it by and meet you outside in 20 minutes? No, sw... out... out... Outside, sweetie. Okay. Bye-bye. Do you mind swinging by my kid's sleepover? I gotta give him this retainer. It's on the way to the club.
Julian : Sure, no problem.
Claire : You are so sweet. Holy pythons, Batman. Do you ever leave the gym?
Julian : Uh, no. Actually, I'm a trainer and a masseur.
Claire : Oh, my God. I'm gonna have to try out that second one. Zip, please.
Julian : I gotta say, this night is turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected.
Claire : I've got two kids at sleepovers and one upstate with daddy. The fun is just beginning.
Mitchell : Unbelievable. The valet gave our car away to someone, like, and hour and a half ago.
Cameron : You know what that means. Our potpies could be anywhere by now.
Mitchell : Y... they probably went home. If... if we knew their address, maybe we could see if our car was there.
Cameron : Oh, yeah. And how do you propose we do that?
Car's GPS : Calculating route home.
Cameron : Oh, you're good. Oh, and look. Only .6 miles away.
Car's GPS : Prepare to turn right in 500 feet.
Mitchell : Notice how she didn't wait until after the turn to tell me, Cam?
Cameron : Really? This? Now?
Mitchell : I'm just...
Cameron : Oh, look. They went to see Jay-Z. We almost went to see Jay-Z, didn't we?
Mitchell : No, no, no, 'cause remember it started at 8:30.
Cameron : Oh, yeah, which meant he wouldn't have gone on until 10:00.
Mitchell : And then that parking nightmare.
Cameron : Oh, and those stairs.
Mitchell : Okay, I'm hearing it now. Is Claire right? Are we in a rut?
Cameron : Well, we might be, especially compared to these people. Look at this. Cancun luggage tickets. A parking pass to Yosemite. A triathlon bib. This is living.
Mitchell : No, but you know what? We have Lily, okay? I know. You can't do that with a child.
Cameron : They have a car seat.
Mitchell : Okay, fine, we're in a rut.
Car's GPS : Destination ahead in 900 feet.
Mitchell : You know, maybe we just need to be around more stimulating people.
Cameron : Well, we're gonna be in about 900 feet.
Mitchell : It's not the craziest idea. They seem like fun people.
Cameron : Yeah, and maybe we can be new couples friends with them. You know, we can go out to concerts, try exciting new food, maybe do some luxury camping.
Mitchell : Yeah, hitch our wagon to their star and see how fast they spice up our life.
Car's GPS : You have arrived.
Cameron : I believe we have.
Woman : You dumb son of a bitch!
Mitchell : Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Cameron : What's happening?!
Woman : I can't believe you came back here, you filthy, cheating pig! Where is she? Where is she?!
Mitchell : I'm trying! We are in a rut!
Cameron : Really? You wanna talk about that right now?
Mitchell : No, we are stuck! We're in an actual rut. We're stuck.
Cameron : Ohh!
Mitchell : Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Cameron : We are victims of a hate crime right now!
Cameron : Go! Go! Oh, my God
Phil : Oh, no, you don't.
Haley : Dad, what are you doing here?
Phil : What's this, buddy.
Ben : Ginger ale.
Phil : Oh, really? 'Cause is smells... Okay, it smells like ginger ale. But that doesn't prove anything.
Haley : What the hell?
Phil : We are leaving.
Haley : I'm having a nice time with...
Phil : With this clown? And by the way, it's a little cliche to pick someone who looks exactly like your dad. I got your number, Pi Chi. I know you.
Haley : Yeah, you do. This is Ben Ford. He's in my class. He's visiting, too.
Ben : You were my T-ball coach. My dad's your doctor. He's right over there.
Haley : What is wrong with you? Are you trying to ruin college for me before I even get here?
Phil : No, I-I'm not. I am so sorry. You are not a clown. You were an excellent backup shortstop. Alecia. Bruce. Go, bullfrogs... Dogs! Go, bulldogs. Claire!
Jay : Wow. Really? No, it's just a shock, is all.
Gloria : Jay?
Jay : So Celia's carrying the judge's baby. No wonder she shot him. She's hormonal.
Gloria : Who are you talking to?
Jay : The housekeeper. Maria, I've gotta go. Thanks a lot.
Gloria : Jay, I need you to talk to Manny.
Jay : What?
Gloria : Well, if he's doing what you think he's doing, then he needs to talk to a man. I don't want him to be ashamed of anything.
Jay : Then you don't want to send me in there.
Gloria : Yeah, but what if... if he has questions? What if he doesn't know how to...
Jay : Gloria, Gloria, whatever he's going through, he can work it out himself.
Manny : Help! I'm stuck!
Gloria : Ay, no, Jay, go. I beg of you! Go! Go! Go!
Jay : Gloria. I'm extremely reluctant to do this.
Manny : Please hurry!
Gloria : Ay, no. I cannot look at this.
Jay : What the hell?
Manny : I can't get down, Jay.
Gloria : What? What happened to Manny?! Ay, somebody say something to me!
Jay : Gloria, it's okay. Come on in.
Gloria : Okay.
Jay : He was hanging from that bar up there.
Gloria : What? Why? What do you have on your head?
Manny : It's a weighted helmet to stretch me so I can get taller.
Gloria : Manny! Why do you have to get tall now?
Manny : Love, mom. Why else? I lost Bella to Durkus because, in her words, "he's tall." Everybody else is getting taller but me. You think it's the coffee?
Gloria : No. Maybe. But... but hanging downside up is not gonna help you.
Manny : The web site said it would.
Gloria : Listen, Manny, you're already intelligent and beautiful and funny. If you get tall, you're going to have everything, and those poor boys are not gonna have anything to compete with you. Look at this. You have a mark on your head now. I'm gonna go get you some ice, okay?
Manny : That's a lot of pretty words, but they don't help me tomorrow.
Jay : Sorry, kid. It's just one of those things. You get taller when you get taller. Why don't you get ready for bed? Ah, jeez. You know, when I was your age, I started working out to get the girls.
Manny : You think that would help?
Jay : Yeah. So tomorrow, we start working out. Okay? Maybe I'll even show you a few pull-ups on, uh, this bad boy here, huh? You see that? Pretty soon, that's how strong... you're gonna be.
Luke : Thanks, mom.
Claire : I don't want them to know I was here.
Luke : Okay.
Holly : Oh, Claire, I thought that was you. Thank God. Come in.
Claire : I can't. 'Cause I'm sick, remember? Sorry.
Holly : Well, my DVD player just broke, and none of us know how "Gone with the wind" ends. But you saw it, right? I...
Woman : Oh, is that Claire?
Holly : Yeah.
Bethenny : Can you tell us what happened?
Claire : I could, but I don't want to ruin it for you.
Holly : Claire. Just tell us.
Claire : Um... Scarlett is... really mad at Clark Gable because, um, he says so many bad things. And didn't he, um, burn down a farm or something?
Holly : Claire, have you been drinking?
Claire : I had a hot toddy. Made one for my throat.
Holly : Pretty dressed up for a night in bed, right?
Claire : Yeah, I-I just threw on the first thing I could find... when Luke called, and it was just right there on the chair.
Bethenny : She has a stamp on her hand.
Claire : Okay. All right. Before we bust out the pitchforks and the torches, may I remind you that I've driven every one of your children home and Heimliched at least one, Bethenny.
Julian : Hi.
Holly : Hello.
Julian : This is totally inappropriate. But could I use your bathroom? Sorry. You kept pushing the drinks.
Claire : I... friend. Gay friend. Gay.
Julian : I'm not gay.
Claire : Yes, you are.
Julian : I-I'm not gay. I'm... I'm French. You thought I was gay?
Claire : Are you serious right now?
Julian : Well, are you? You've been throwing yourself at me all night.
Claire : No, no. No, I have not.
Holly : Bethenny, grab the Pinot.
Claire : Bethenny, do not grab the Pinot.
Julian : You undressed in front of me. You squeezed my arm. You asked me for a massage. What was all that?
Claire : That was... that was me safely objectifying a gay person.
Holly : Wow, Claire! When I wrote "don't ever change" in your yearbook, I didn't mean it like this.
Claire : Oh, ease up, Holly. Okay, I lied. I lied, but I get one night to myself, and I just wanted to spend it with some fun gay people. It's not my fault this one decided to be straight.
Julian : I've always been straight. Oh, you don't get to talk! I took fashion advice from you! Oh, my God. Do I even look good in this dress? No. Not you. It's really short, isn't it?
Holly : It's short.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : Please? Please, just listen to me for one second.
Haley : Go away! Stop following me!
Officer : Hey, you wanna tell me why you're bothering this young lady?
Phil : Oh, no, no, no, no. Officer, this is my daughter. Tell him.
Haley : Tonight, I don't know who you are.
Phil : She's... she's joking. I'm not dangerous. In fact, I-I-I helped to put all the lights on this path. 20 years ago, some friends and I took back the night. So... I-I think I just... I embarrassed her a little.
Haley : "A little"? That sweatshirt embarrasses me "a little."
Officer : Yep, that's a daughter.
Haley : Tonight was insane. Why did you have to act like that?
Phil : You were at that party. I see you talking to frat boys, and...
Haley : Isn't that why we're here, so I can experience college? I mean, what are you gonna do when I actually go?
Phil : I don't know. Freak out, I think. Look... your whole life, my job has been to protect you... a job I kinda love. Now I feel like I'm being forced into early retirement. I just needed to find you and make sure you were okay... for as long as I still get to do that.
Haley : Just like you... piss me off and then say something sweet. I'm not leaving until the fall.
Phil : Maybe by then I can figure out how to put a force field around you. I've been working on that one since the first time I tried to fasten you into your car seat. I pinched your chunky little thigh.
Haley : You know you basically just called me fat. So... is it really fun?
Phil : What? No!
Jay : We all struggle with limitations... Some we're willing to accept...
Cameron : You know, I just wanna be home, reading on opposite ends of the sofa.
Jay : And some we're not.
Manny : I'm so embarrassed I did that.
Gloria : I'm just so happy that that was all it was.
Manny : Why? What'd you think I was doing?
Jay : It's never too late to grow in life.
Haley : Oh, my God!
Jay : "Thanks to our patented lengthenator, you can increase your height by up to 4 inches."
Gloria : I can't believe he would spend $50 on this thing.
Jay : I know. He could've got a 2-year subscription to "Playboy" for that.
Gloria : He's not getting the "Playboy" ever! He's a little boy!
Cameron : Wouldn't it be great if we woke up tomorrow and our car had found its way home?
Mitchell : Yeah, I feel that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Cameron : Happened on the farm one time. A tornado scooped up one of our calves, dropped it who knows where. Six months later, a full-grown cow comes walking up the driveway... same markings, same moo. That night, we...
Mitchell : We ate like kings.
Cameron : Okay, I've told it before. Oh, my gosh! It's our car!
Man : I see you've met my wife.
