Duane : Hey, sir. Duane Bailey, running for, uh, town council reelection.
Claire : Oh, don't look. There's that jerk Duane Bailey.
Phil : Oh, yuck.
Claire : I should say something to him, shouldn't I?
Phil : I gotta be honest, I was just working off your tone. Who's Duane Bailey, and why do we hate him?
Claire : Honey, he's that councilman who shot down my stop sign. Big phony.
Phil : Yeah.
Duane : Hey! Duane Bailey, seeking reelection, town council. Hope that I can count on your vote.
Phil : Well, you just got it.
Claire : No. You don't remember meeting me, do you? Claire Dunphy. Last month's town council meeting?
Duane : Oh, yes I do! Yes, I remember you. I want a stop sign. Just having fun. Here, have a pen.
Claire : "Duane Bailey. Councilman. Citizen. Puggle breeder."
Duane : I love them because they're a different mix of breeds, just like America.
Phil : I like what he's saying, Claire.
Claire : He isn't saying anything.
Phil : Look at his...
Claire : We need a stop sign at our intersection.
Duane : Everyone says that, but pretty soon, we're stopping at every single corner. Why don't you go ask Canada how that's working out?
Phil : He nailed it.
Duane : Hi. Duane Bailey. Hi.
Cameron : "Actor/writer/director who packs a punch."
Mitchell : Oh, Sylvester Stallone.
Cameron : Sylvester Stallone. I said it first. Oh, my God. This guy brought his kids, Mitchell.
Mitchell : What, to this movie? Isn't it supposed to be super violent?
Cameron : I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep, but I don't know that this movie is really appropriate for children. I'm terrified to see it. That's why we're here during the day.
Man : It's okay. We're good.
Cameron : Okay. I tried.
Mitchell : Yeah. All you can do.
Cameron : You know, I've... I've read this book, and I know what's gonna happen, and it's very disturbing. I really think you might be inviting some pretty serious nightmares here.
Man : Hey, buddy, they're my kids. I got it.
Cameron : Yeah, but I don't think you do.
Mitchell : Cam. Cam. He says he's got it, all right? You said your piece. Just watch the movie.
Cameron : Oh, uh,
Mitchell : Gwyneth Paltrow.
Cameron : I really must insist you not traumatize your kids...
Mitchell : Cam.
Cameron : ...by exposing them to gratuitous violence...
Mitchell : Stop it. Shh!
Cameron : ...and graphic depictions of...
Girl : Daddy, I'm scared.
Cameron : Yeah, well, you're gonna be. I'm gonna tell you one more time.
Man : No, I'm gonna tell you one more time.
Mitchell : Okay.
Mitchell : It was "The muppet" movie. We were in the wrong theater.
Cameron : Enjoy the show. I was always a fan of the muppets, especially the two guys in the theater who wouldn't shut up.
Man : Just leave.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Gloria : Hello?
Jay : I'm running late. This knucklehead's kept me waiting for over an hour. I never had to wait like this when his dad was running things.
Gloria : Yeah. And soda was a nickel. Just tell them that your family is coming over.
Jay : This guy fired his own father. He's not gonna care about my family.
Gloria : Okay, then just leave. You don't need his money.
Jay : Once a week, I have eight family members coming to my house for free food. I'm not going anywhere.
Gloria : Okay. I see you when I see you. Are you okay? What is wrong?
Manny : I want to be homeschooled.
Gloria : Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English? What is going on?
Manny : I have a big report due, and the teachers don't seem to care about the substance. All they care about is the flash.
Gloria : Manny, sometimes you can be a little bit old-fashioned. Remember the first time you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels and you thought they were too flashy?
Manny : You're going to school, not boarding a flight to Denver. It's getting absurd. Reuben freestyle-rapped his report on Irish immigrants. That doesn't even make sense. Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.
Gloria : What is your report on?
Manny : The mafia.
Gloria : Perfect. We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.
Manny : Oh, no. We shouldn't have to jazz it up.
Gloria : Okay, then we go upstairs and we get your old rocking horse and we chop the head off.
Manny : No, that's a terrible idea. I love Brownie!
Gloria : Do you want to send a message or not?
Gloria : Jay never wants me to help him with his business, and now suddenly, Manny doesn't want to listen to me either. It's very frustrating. I have all the answers.
Josh : Hey! There he is. Bring it in, Jay.
Jay : How you doing, Joshie?
Josh : It's Josh now. Have a seat. Ah, all right. So I flipped through your proposal, and here's the thing... We're about to build our largest luxury condo complex yet. And I have an important question for you... What is it you want to build?
Jay : Closets.
Josh : See, I was kinda hoping you'd say "dreams."
Jay : I thought that was implied.
Josh : Jay, I'm looking for closets nobody's ever seen before, you know, a big "wow!" You know what I'm saying?
Jay : You want a nice closet with sharp design, quality materials, and expert craftsmanship.
Josh : Uh, I mean, I want it to be like, bam! You know, people are gonna walk in there and go, "whoa! What do I hang first?"
Jay : I wanted to hang myself.
Jay : Yeah, let's talk more specific. What exactly do you like and what don't you like?
Josh : All right, fair enough. Uh... I don't like this. This makes me sad. I do like getting my mind blown.
Jay : I love your enthusiasm. Uh, before I go off in the wrong direction, how about an example?
Josh : All right, check this out. So, like, three weeks ago, I'm down in South Beach. I walk into this thumpin' club. Bartender says, "what do you wanna drink?" I say, "wow me." He mixes this thing together. I take one sip, and I'm like, "hello, nurse!" And she's like, "you've been unconscious for two days." That's what I want in a closet.
Jay : I don't think I need to hear any more.
Haley : Whatcha doing there? Homework?
Alex : What do you want?
Haley : I need to borrow some money. It's really important.
Alex : How much?
Haley : $900.
Alex : What?!
Haley : Come on. If you were in trouble, I would do anything for you. We're not just sisters. We're best friends.
Alex : Look, I would if I could, but I don't have any money. And since we're talking, I never told anyone this before, and it...
Claire : ...Wipe that smug smile off his stupid face.
Phil : His face is stupid.
Claire : Oh! I can't believe ridiculous people like him end up in office.
Phil : Well, why don't you run? You're smart, you care about the community, and you're easy on the eyes when you put a little effort into it.
Claire : Are you serious?
Phil : Yeah, you know, maybe change out of the sweaty gym clothes every once in while. I thought you were talking about running for office. Go on.
Claire : I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about it. I mean, I know it's a ridiculous little local thing, but it might be fun to get out there and contribute. Plus I think I'd be good at it.
Phil : You'd be great.
Claire : Mm. How would this work? I mean, who would be here for the kids after school? Who would take them to practice and recitals and keep them from burning the house down?
Phil : It must be so hard being a single mom. Claire, I will. If you wanna fly, I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground.
Claire : Hmm.
Phil : I wanna be the one to push you off the cliff.
Claire : I think I'm gonna do it.
Phil : Great. Go fly.
Claire : Phil.
Phil : No.
Claire : Oh, Phil!
Phil : I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women... Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice,
Cameron : Do you want a fry?
Mitchell : No, I can't eat. We should've stayed and seen "The muppets." I can't even look at ketchup without seeing blood.
Cameron : Ooh, runaway curly fry. You know these are good luck. Mm!
Mitchell : Oh!
Cameron : Oh, my God. What was that?
Mitchell : We just got rear-ended.
Cameron : Oh, pull off to the side street. Pull off to the side street.
Mitchell : Are you okay?
Cameron : Oh, I think I cut the roof of my mouth on the straw. Oh, my God.
Mitchell : Mm!
Cameron : So yes.
Driver : Oh, boy. I am so sorry. This is all my fault. Are you guys okay?
Cameron : W-well, I-I sustained a minor mouth injury.
Mitchell : We're fine. Thank you. It's...
Driver : Look, I feel terrible. Um, don't worry. I'm gonna take care of everything. Let me just get my insurance info.
Mitchell : Okay. Thank you.
Cameron : Well, he seems nice.
Mitchell : Yeah.
Cameron : You know, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be our meet cute. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite, you know, doing montage-y stuff.
Mitchell : Yeah, am I in this movie of yours?
Cameron : Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
Mitchell : Oh, my God!
Cameron : Oh, my God! We have a runner!
Mitchell : Um, it's D-W-Y... I can't read it.
Cameron : Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Mitchell : Go where?
Cameron : We have to chase him down!
Mitchell : No, we're not supposed to do that!
Cameron : Help! Stop that car! He's getting away! Help!
Mitchell : Yeah, you almost got him, Cam. You almost got him.
Cameron : He's getting away!
Haley : Hey. Whatcha doing? Playing?
Luke : Yeah.
Haley : Do you have any money saved up?
Luke : I'm comfortable.
Luke : I've saved $1,217. It wasn't even that hard.
Claire : Don't forget your lunch.
Luke : Thanks, mom.
Claire : Don't forget your lunch money, buddy.
Luke : Thanks, dad.
Phil : You bet.
Haley : Please. It's really important.
Luke : Look, I'd love to help you out, but I'm not very liquid right now.
Luke : It's in a block of ice. I got the idea when I heard about rich guys with frozen assets. Assets.
Claire : I am running for town council, and I understand that I can pick up a form here.
Secretary : Fourth floor. Elevator down the hall.
Duane : Oh. Beyonce, when'd you start working here?
Secretary : Oh, Duane. He's always saying stuff like that.
Duane : Duane Bailey. Running for reelection.
Claire : You're joking. I just saw you in the parking lot two hours ago.
Duane : Oh, hey. It's you! Oh, it's you. What... are you doing here?
Claire : I am entering the race for town council, and I am running against you.
Duane : Oh. Well, don't you have pluck.
Claire : No, I plan on winning, so...
Duane : Oh, yeah, I bet you do. Marcia! Rocking the bangs! Love it. Do you know why, of all the dogs in the world, I breed puggles?
Claire : Why do I feel like this is a rhetorical question, and you're about to l...
Duane : It's because they're lovable, yes, but they're also tenacious hunters who won't quit until the kill is complete.
Claire : Really? 'Cause I feel like they just yip a lot.
Duane : Look, lady, you're going down. I've won six straight elections. I don't plan on losing to some bored housewife, so don't quit your lack of a day job.
Claire : Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello? Anne. Haley did that? Oh, God. Okay. Um... I'll call you right back. For your information, sir, I am no bored housewife. No, I-I would kill for "bored." Why isn't this lighting up?
Duane : Oh, it's because it's, uh, staff only. Yeah. Here. Allow me to... not get that for you. Good luck!
Luke : Dad, I cut my arm.
Phil : Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy. I'll get you fixed up.
Luke : Where's mom?
Phil : She belongs to the people now.
Alex : My allergies are acting up again.
Phil : Well, it is your lucky day, because, missy, Dr. Dad has everything you need. Behold the healing powers of grape flavoring.
Alex : Where's mom?
Luke : Some people took her.
Phil : Drink this. Listen, guys, your mom is taking on more responsibilities outside of the... house, but don't you worry. Good old... dad... Oh, my goodness!
Luke : Ow!
Phil : I'm so sorry!
Luke : You punched me!
Alex : Dad, you gave me the drowsy kind.
Phil : There's a drowsy kind?!
Alex : I have to study for a test!
Luke : Oh! It really hurts!
Phil : Well, I'll get you some ice.
Luke : No. No, no, no. I'll get it.
Gloria : Oh, you made it. How was it?
Jay : Eh.
Gloria : Why? What's wrong, babe?
Jay : I don't want to talk about it.
Gloria : Do it anyways.
Jay : Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more "wow."
Gloria : What does he mean by more "wow"?
Manny : It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
Jay : What do beavers have to do with anything?
Gloria : The beavers... they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods, is the "beaver-ization" of the Americas.
Manny : I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.
Gloria : So why didn't you tell him that you've been in the business for such a long time...
Jay : It's not gonna make any difference. He wants to make a change. And I got a factory full of people depending on this.
Gloria : Yeah, but maybe if you tell him that...
Jay : Gloria, please. I-I-I've had a tough day. Can we please not talk about it?
Gloria : But I want to help.
Jay : Trust me. I wish you had the answers.
Gloria : I do!
Jay : Hey, guys.
Haley : Hey, grandpa.
Alex : Hey, Jay.
Jay : What's with her?
Phil : Just tired. Growth spurt.
Cameron : Hey, hey.
Jay : Hi, guys. Hi, baby girl.
Gloria : Hola, Lily. How are you?
Lily : Dads are fighting.
Cameron : No, uh, we're not fighting.
Mitchell : No, not at all, honey. No. Okay, uh, go play, sweetheart. Okay?
Cameron : Let's go play with some blocks. Let's go stack some blocks.
Mitchell : All right. Okay, the reason we're fighting is 'cause this one thinks he's dirty Harry.
Jay : Having a hard time picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
Cameron : Okay, let me ask you something. Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our car, and then just took off. I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell...
Mitchell : Kept a level head and called the police.
Luke : Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?
Mitchell : Okay, so which one of us did the right thing?
Jay : Hit and run. Gotta chase him down.
Gloria : I chase the people all the time.
Mitchell : No. No. That's... that's irresponsible and dangerous. Okay, well, what if he had been armed?
Cameron : He wasn't armed. He had a Hillary bumper sticker.
Mitchell : This isn't an isolated incident. This morning he flipped out at somebody at The Muppet movie.
Lily : You saw The Muppet movie without me?
Mitchell : Oh, no. No, honey. Just the first two numbers. No, Lily. Wait.
Claire : Hi. Hi. Hi. Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
Phil : Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
Claire : No, not her. Haley. Haley! Come over here. I want to talk to you.
Phil : There she is. Not a scratch on her.
Claire : Do you have something you want to say to us?
Haley : Uh...
Claire : Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake I.D.s?
Phil : What?!
Claire : Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake I.D.s.
Haley : I wasn't gonna use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
Claire : She took a bunch of money from them and then she lost it.
Phil : How much?
Alex : $900.
Phil : You're kidding me!
Claire : Oh, my God! Oh!
Haley : It's not my fault! I gave money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
Claire : What happened to your face?
Luke : Oh. I ran into a door.
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : What happened to your face?
Luke : Dad hit me.
Phil : It was an accident. I was trying to open up a band-aid!
Claire : Phil! What's wrong with her?
Phil : Growth spurt.
Claire : What's wrong with her?
Phil : I drugged her.
Claire : Phil!
Phil : I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.
Claire : Mm. All right, one thing at a time. Haley, how are you going to repay your friends?
Haley : I don't know.
Gloria : I know. You go there with a couple of guys...
Jay : She's gotta get the money back. Who is this kid?
Haley : A guy at school's cousin's friend. He lives in Gardena.
Mitchell : Well, if you know where he lives, just call the police.
Phil : No cops. We can't afford a scandal right now. Claire's running for town council.
Claire : That was before, when I thought you could take care of the children. I take my eye off the ball for one minute, and I've got one in a coma, one with a black eye, and one running a crime ring.
Gloria : Well, to be fair, Haley started her crime ring when your eye was still on the ball.
Haley : It's not a crime ring. I just gotta get my hands on that $900.
Manny : I know how the mafia would handle this.
Jay : The kid is right. I'm sick of these smart-ass punks who keep changing the rules and think they can get away with anything they want. I'm gonna pay this guy a visit. Haley, text me his address.
Phil : I'm going with you.
Cameron : Me, too.
Mitchell : Oh, no. No. Nobody's going anywhere. Okay, we're not vigilantes.
Cameron : Shotgun!
Mitchell : No! No weapons!
Gloria : In my country, it is tradition... when the men are out seeking vengeance, the women... they stay home, and they drink.
Claire : Sometimes I think you just make this stuff up.
Gloria : Do you want a drink or not?
Claire : Oh, yeah.
Gloria : So what happened? You were running for office, and now you're not?
Claire : Mm. I don't really want to talk about that.
Gloria : I know. I am sick and tired of no one needing my help. You are going to tell me what is wrong, and I'm gonna give you the right answer, because I have all of them. So why are you not running for office?
Claire : Because my family needs me too much. You saw what just happened.
Gloria : Why are you not running for office?
Claire : That doesn't work on me.
Gloria : Why are you not running for office?!
Claire : Because I don't want to lose! I... pfft! I haven't done anything outside of my house in 18 years. I don't want the first thing that I do to be a complete failure.
Gloria : Okay. I'm gonna tell you a story about a little girl who entered a beauty pageant... Even though she was very, very scared that she was going to lose.
Claire : Let me guess. You won.
Gloria : Of course I won, but I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan, she stuffed her body in this bikini, and at the end, she finished dead last.
Claire : How is that a good story?
Gloria : Because she faced her fears, and it didn't kill her.
Claire : Hmm.
Gloria : What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
Claire : Are you serious?
Gloria : Yes, because she couldn't see anything coming with that big nose.
Claire : This guy has won six elections. I am way out of my league.
Gloria : Look, I don't know anything about this guy, but I know that you're a tough lady, and I come from a family of tough ladies. And I have to say, sometimes you scare me a little bit. And I know that you're strong enough to win and definitely strong enough to be okay if you lose.
Claire : I scare you?
Gloria : Are you kidding me? "I want Thanksgiving at my house!"
Claire : Why does everybody think I talk like that?
Jay : This is it.
Mitchell : W-w-wait. No, no. Come on. Do we have a plan? It doesn't seem like we have a plan.
Phil : Yeah, I got a plan. Either he gives us the money, or he gets a private performance from england Dan and John Ford Coley.
Mitchell : That's not a good plan. That's not even a good band.
Jay : If all you're gonna do is criticize, just wait by the car.
Mitchell : Okay, fine. I'll see you in jail. It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of you.
Jay : Ugh.
Peter : Yeah?
Jay : You Peter?
Peter : What do you want?
Jay : You know Haley Dunphy? You owe her $900. We're here to collect.
Phil : You dig?
Peter : I tried to call that girl, like, ten times, but her voice mail was always... full.
Phil : That does sound like Haley.
Cameron : So how are you gonna make this right?
Peter : You guys want the money, right? That's fine. I don't need any hassle. Hold on. I'll just... grab it.
Jay : That was easy.
Phil : He's lucky he didn't put up a fight. I would've treated him to a reunion of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young!
Cameron : We got a runner! Runner!
Mitchell : Stop! Stop! Stop! No. No. No. No. Oh! I got him!
Cameron : Oh, my God. You did!
Mitchell : Don't be so surprised. Help! He's slipping out of his skinny jeans. These are cute. I totally have these.
Jay : Hmm?
Phil : Ha ha ha!
Jay : There you go!
Haley : Oh, you got it back! Thank you!
Jay : Hey, don't thank me. Thank your uncle Mitchell. He's the one who tackled the guy.
Mitchell : I got grass stains.
Haley : Well, I will tell you one thing. I have learned my lesson. Disappointing my family and friends is punishment enough.
Phil : Nice try. You're grounded for two weeks.
Gloria : Okay, we have big news. Claire has decided to run for mayor after all.
Claire : Thank you, but it's town council.
Gloria : It doesn't matter. You're not going to win anyways. But she's going to be okay. You see? I help the people. Why don't you two let me help you?
Manny : Well, I can't speak for Jay, but I guess I'm just too proud to ask for help.
Jay : Are you serious? She cuts your steak.
Gloria : What about you?
Jay : I don't want to bother you with my business.
Gloria : What else do I do every day?
Jay : I don't know. I'm guessing the gym and... one other thing?
Claire : Dad, you should listen to her. She might really help you.
Jay : Huh.
Claire : She could be an asset.
Jay : Hmm.
Phil : Asset.
Luke : Heard it.
Gloria : And look at the shelves over here. They're for the shoes. Those are my favorite ones. So what do you think?
Josh : Wow!
Jay : Same... exact... closet.
Cameron : We never needed fake I.D.s on the farm. We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a tractor, he could drink a beer. Not at the same time, of course. It's Missouri, not Texas.
Mitchell : I used a fake I.D. to get into an "R"-rated movie... "the fabulous Baker boys." I found the title to be misleading. Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer... that's all I'm saying.
Jay : I remember when I got my fake I.D.
Phil : Me, too. Crazy times.
Jay : Hell, yeah. I tried to enlist in the army, but they saw right through me, so me and a bunch of guys drove across state lines, we got a bunch of booze, we loaded up on fireworks, and I woke up in the morning... I kid you not... in a Mexican strip joint. You?
Phil : Uh, I used mine to rent some bowling shoes and kept 'em. Suckers probably spent months trying to track down Dr. Richard Hertz. Think about it.
