Gloria : Jay. Jay?
Jay : What? What's wrong?
Gloria : You're snoring.
Jay : Me? Oh, I'm sorry. I... Look at her!
Gloria : Come on, we said no Stella in the bed.
Jay : Oh, but she's just a little puppy. She probably got scared and snuck in.
Gloria : Oh, really? How come when Manny has nightmares you don't let him snuck in the bed?
Jay : Gloria, it's 6:00 in the morning. Can we talk about this later?
Manny : Answer the question, Jay.
Mitchell : You know, I'm gonna check the lease, but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have a meth lab.
Jay : You are a delight.
Mitchell : So what are you doing?
Cameron : I think you're gonna like this. I'm going on a juice fast.
Mitchell : Mmm. Love it.
Mitchell : Hate it. Let's face it, a well-fed Cam is hardly a model of emotional stability. Now deprive him of food, and stage by stage, it's a slow descent into madness. Stage one... the clean sweep.
Cameron : Poison. Poison. Poison.
Mitchell : Do you think that this is the best week to be doing this?
Cameron : Why not?
Mitchell : Well, we have that charity thing at my boss' house.
Cameron : Oh, so what, I'm supposed to put off my quest for wellness until we're no longer socially in demand? That will never happen. I'm too charismatic.
Mitchell : No. No. Not the cookies.
Cameron : Of course the cookies. Why do you always want me to fail?
Mitchell : Stage two... attack Mitchell. Because when his diet crashes and burns into a giant pile of Nutella, I'm the one he's gonna blame. Well, no, not this time.
Mitchell : You know what? I'm gonna do the fast with you. I think it's a great idea, and we should do it together so we're on the same team, you know, us versus food.
Cameron : I know what you're doing... And I really appreciate it.
Mitchell : No, it'll... it'll be good for me. I've actually put on a few pounds.
Cameron : Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want to say anything.
TV Commenter : As the stock market plummeted, brave young men took to the skies, ushering in the golden age of the daredevil.
Phil : How awesome are people?
Luke : So awesome.
Phil : You wanna get that, buddy? I'll pause it.
Mitchell : Hey, Luke. How's it going? I...
Luke : Hey, Uncle Mitchell. I really can't talk. I'm trying to watch a movie.
Mitchell : Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to drop off this bag of junk food.
Luke : Go on.
Mitchell : Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast, so having this stuff in the house...
Luke : I connected the dots. See ya.
Mitchell : Oh.
Phil : Seeing that weird, wonderful little man pursuing his dream of walking on a tightrope made me think maybe I could pursue my dream...
Phil : Here you go, buddy.
Phil : ... Of walking on a tightrope.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Luke : come on, Dad! You got this! You can do this! Stay focused! Stay hungry!
Phil : You okay, buddy?
Luke : What? Yeah, hell, yeah, no. Just proud of my Dad!
Luke : There was a lot of chocolate in that bag.
Claire : Phil, honey, you gotta take Luke to school.
Phil : Got it. Okay, I haven't fallen three out of the last four times. This afternoon, we go airborne.
Luke : Yeah!
Phil : Yeah! Yeah!
Haley : Sitting all by yourself at the table. Now where have I seen that again? Oh, right. Every day in the school cafeteria.
Alex : I do that by choice.
Haley : The school's choice.
Alex : Isn't that your nickname?
Claire : Haley, be nice to your sister. Alex, good save.
Alex : Mom, sign this.
Claire : What is it? They finally bumped me up to the harder math class. Third period, Mr. waters.
Haley : What? No, Mom, you cannot sign this. This is my class. You're a freshman. What are you doing in second-year math?
Alex : You're a senior. What are you still doing in second year math?
Haley : Not "still!"... Again."
Claire : Alex, be nice to your sister. Haley, not a good save.
Haley : I knew it would suck having you at my school.
Claire : Well, hang in there. A couple more years, you'll have it all to yourself again. Come on, girls.
Gloria : Jay, look at this. It's ruined. Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! You have to discipline that stupid dog.
Jay : I discipline her all the time.
Gloria : Oh, really? How? By buying her little cupcakes?
Jay : They're not real cupcakes. They're doggy treats in the form of cupcakes.
Gloria : Yeah, you should have told that to Manny before he ate one.
Jay : Oh, come on. His coat never looked better.
Gloria : You wouldn't find it so funny if she was destroying your shoes.
Jay : Well, I don't leave my shoes laying around, so...
Gloria : So it's my fault that she chooses to chew my shoe?
Jay : I didn't say that.
Gloria: : You barely said it. You have to stop coddling her.
Jay : I don't coddle her. What? She tries to drink the water. It's funny.
Haley : You don't look at me in class. You don't text me.
Alex : Who would text during a class?
Haley : What are you?
Claire : Honey, I realize that this situation is not ideal for either one of you, but sometimes we just rise above things. Yes?
Circulation agent : Excuse me. Did you notice the curb here is painted yellow?
Claire : Uh, no, I did not.
Circulation agent : Wow. It means loading and unloading.
Claire : Okay, well, I was just dropping off my kids.
Circulation agent : And yet I see no kids emerging from the vehicle.
Claire : Well, we were chatting. At the risk of surprising you a third time, officer, I've been dropping off here for years, and I...
Circulation agent : Move it.
Claire : Okay. You betcha.
Alex : What was her problem?
Haley : Oh, you know what you should have said to her...
Claire : Nothing. I should have said nothing would be the point. I have to see her every day. I mean, why make it worse? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Awkward, unpleasant situation... Rise above. Have a nice day.
Haley : Yeah.
Claire : Love you! Bye-bye! "And yet I see no children emerging from the vehicle." How'd you like to see my fist emerging into your face? Oh! Now I think of it!
Mitchell : Day four of the juice fast, and I'm hungry, but I'm... I'm feeling pretty good. Cam, on the other hand, has gone all... "Girl, interrupted." After one, throwing out all of our food, and two, blaming me, he entered stage three... soap actress.
Cameron : I just wish my sister would put herself out there more. She has so much to offer. Why are men so superficial?
Mitchell : That was followed by stage four... a rush of epiphanies...
Cameron : I... don't... need... food. Look at this. Architecture is everywhere. Oh. Spaniards make amazing athletes.
Mitchell : Into stage five... despair...
Cameron : Daddy, we hided, but you didn't seek.
Mitchell : Cam?
Mitchell : Then came rage.
Cameron : Oh. Ow. Oh.
Mitchell : Hey. Whatcha got there?
Mitchell : The good news is, Cam's never made it this far into a diet before, so... Downside... I have no idea what the next stage is gonna be. But I'm pretty sure it's not charming party guest.
Mitchell : Cam, I-I was thinking, I'll take the bullet tomorrow night at my boss' house. You don't have to go to the party. They're... they're boring. Silly cause, you know, lots of people. Parking... Cam, say something.
Cameron : Why do you hate me?
Mitchell : I don't hate you.
Cameron : Then why are you trying to push me out of your life?
Mitchell : Because you... you seem a little... Unhinged.
Cameron : Okay, well, you know what I think? You should worry a little bit less about me and a little bit more about yourself and what you're gonna wear tomorrow night, because I saw what you have laid out, and I don't think you're gonna like the way you look in photos.
Mitchell : Well, I hadn't landed on that.
Haley : Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework. The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex : Not as embarrassed as I was when she said 8 was a prime number. 8, Mom.
Claire : Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna call the school today and have your schedules changed, but I want you to know a little part of me died today, okay? I thought the two of you could understand how being in the same class would benefit you both. Alex, you... you could've tutored Haley. Haley, you could've helped Alex with her social skills. Come on. The two of you could've been two Super Dunphys. And instead, what are you? Two bickering half-Dunphys, and I'm the fool that expected more. No, I don't even want to hear it. Just go upstairs. Go.
Phil : Wow. What was that?
Claire : That was a master class in parenting. Right now our daughters are upstairs making a decision they think is their own, but really, it was an idea that was skillfully implanted by me.
Phil : Inception, Claire. Dangerous game, but I like it.
Claire : Mm. What are those?
Phil : Wire walkers. You want to go to the dance, you gotta wear the shoes. Luke, grab your camera. Luke.
Luke : I wasn't sleeping.
Claire : Honey, I-I think those are... jazz shoes.
Phil : No. Tightrope shoes. Got 'em at an estate sale. Only worn once.
Claire : That... that is not a ringing endorsement for... Oh! Phil, honey. Please be ca--careful. Right. Watch the door.
Haley : Hey, what'd you get for number 3?
Alex : You're not going to learn if I just give you answers.
Haley : Well, what if I gave you something in return?
Alex : Like what?
Haley : You can talk to me in class.
Alex : I want lunch at the cool table.
Haley : Then I want all the answers.
Alex : Then I want a week at the table.
Haley : That'll cost you two pop quizzes. month. The midterm.
Alex : Deal.
Luke : Looking great, Dad.
Phil : With these steps, I break the surly bonds... Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.
Alex : Mom. Mom. Mom.
Claire : What? What? What? What? What?
Alex : Mom. Did you call the school yet?
Claire : Uh, not yet, but I was just about to.
Phil : Uh, Bartles & Jaymes!
Alex : Good. Because we are thinking we might want to stay in that class.
Claire : Really? Oh, girls, I don't know about that.
Haley : Oh, please let us try it. Super Dunphy?
Phil : I can't hold her! I can't hold her!
Claire : Well, maybe one more week.
Haley : Thanks, Mom.
Gloria : I don't know. Uh, a cup of soup, a Cobb salad. Yeah, it had bacon. Cam, I don't have all day to describe all my meals to you. Stop eating all my things, you stupid animal. No, Cam, not you. I'll call you back. Bad doggy! You want to chew on something? Okay. Okay. Okay. Look at this. Look at this delicious man shoe. Eat it. Come on. Eat it. Eat it. Mmm! Yummy. Eat the shoe. Eat his shoe. Come on. Eat his shoe. Num, num, num, num. Num, num. Yeah, like this. Look. Ah. Delicious.
Manny : Mom?
Jay : Drop it.
Gloria : I...
Jay : Please. I'm sorry you had to see this.
Claire : Hello?
Rose : Hi, Mrs. Dunphy. This is Rose in the principal's office. Can you hold for Principal Weller?
Claire : Yes.
John : Hi, Claire.
Claire : Hi, John. What'd she do this time?
John : Actually, I've got both of them in here.
Claire : Both of them? Really?
John : Alex was letting Haley copy her homework. Mr. Waters caught them.
Claire : I-I don't believe it.
John : I'm about to have a little talk with them, so they'll be out a few minutes late.
Claire : Um, I'm so sorry, John, and honestly, I-I really am a better mother than this. I promise.
John : So you've said.
Claire : Mm-hmm. Seriously? Seriously?? Oh. You... Excuse me. Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Circulation agent : This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire : Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Circulation agent : Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire : N-no, I'm not.
Circulation agent : Wow.
Claire : You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," not my fault.
Luke : I'm really sorry, Dad.
Phil : Oh, it's all right. Everybody throws up at school. If I had a nickel for every time I puked at school, you know how much money I'd have?
Luke : 35 cents.
Phil : Exactly. Now go get cleaned up, and I'll call the doctor.
Luke : Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil : What's up?
Luke : The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil : Juice fast?
Luke : I'm pretty sure he said "Jew." But anyway, I took the bag, and I hid it, and I ate it all.
Phil : Oh, buddy.
Luke : I couldn't help myself. I'm weak. Don't look at me.
Phil : It's all right. It's okay. Hey, you learned a lesson. A painful lesson. I guess we both have.
Luke : What do you mean?
Phil : I always saw myself as a guy who could soar through the sky, dancing on a wire. I can't even get across 1/6 inches off the ground.
Luke : Well, maybe that's the problem. Maybe you keep falling because part of you knows that you can fall. Maybe if the wire was much, much higher, you wouldn't fall.
Phil : Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke. You are a genius. Come on. We got work to do.
Luke : Yes! Can I have a doughnut first?
Phil : Yes, you can!
Claire : Ah, there they are, my Super Dunphys.
Haley : We're sorry, but we just...
Claire : Unh-unh-unh. You don't get to talk. You had a chance to be better people today. You, to be more well-rounded, and you, to be a better student. You could have elevated the Dunphy name, but instead, you chose to tarnish it, so, congratulations, ladies, you brought this family to a new low.
Alex : Mom, are you...
Claire : Yeah. Yeah, I am, and I would actually like to get these loosened up, if I might.
Circulation agent : Are we gonna have any more trouble?
Claire : No, ma'am.
Janet : Oh, Claire, do you need me to drive the girls?
Claire : All good, Janet. All good.
Waiter : Goat cheese Risotto ball?
Cameron : No, thank you.
Waiter : Are you sure? They're so good.
Cameron : Walk away.
Mitchell : It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm at full strength, but I have been fasting just as long as he has, and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisketcase... brass... basketcase.
Mitchell : Cam! Don't be mad at me, but I think that you really need to eat something.
Cameron : What? You're supposed to be my support. Oh, away from me, temptress. And I never thought I would call you that in a negative way.
Manny : I've seen her do a lot of crazy stuff, but this is a whole new level. Is this a people cookie?
Jay : You're good.
Manny : A definitive "yes" or "no" would be appreciated. Those cupcakes did a number on me.
Gloria : Are you happy? You have reduced me to a person who eats a shoe.
Jay : Gloria, sit.
Gloria : You think this is funny? To talk to me like I am a dog?
Jay : I'm not talking to you like you're a dog. I'm just asking you to sit so we can get to the bottom of this.
Gloria : Okay, fine.
Jay : Good girl.
Gloria : Come on. You set me up.
Jay : Gloria, why are you acting so crazy? It's just a little dog.
Gloria : It's not the little dog that is making me crazy. It's you that is making me crazy.
Jay : Me?
Gloria : Yeah, you used to put me first. You used to want me in that shower.
Manny : Should I be here for this?
Gloria : No, Manny. It's okay. I go. But I want you to know this. Where I come from, men cherish woman. It goes wife, mistress, dog. Dog always at the bottom.
Charlie : As you can imagine, I get asked to help, uh, with a lot of these environmental causes. Usually, I buy a ticket, uh, bid on Shaquille O'Neal's big shoe... And, uh, come home. But then, something happened. I love paddle surfing, and each time I'd go out, I'd see this one sea lion. He'd pop his head up. He'd check me out. I got so used to seeing him, I even named him... Snorkels.
Cameron : Oh, God, I do not like where this is going.
Charlie :So one day, I, uh, I go out and I see Snorkels. But he's doing this weird twisting thing in the water.
Cameron : Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Mitchell : Shh, shh.
Charlie :So I paddle over, and I see he's got a plastic grocery bag wrapped around his neck and one of his fins. And I freaked, tried to get it off with my paddle. It didn't work, so I-I jumped in, but he disappeared under the water. And, uh...
Cameron : Don't say it. Don't you dare say it.
Charlie :And I never saw him again.
Cameron : Ohh. This is the saddest thing I've ever... Mitchell, are you okay?
Mitchell : Of course I'm not okay. None of this is okay.
Cameron : Okay, well, you need to pull yourself together 'cause we're at your boss' house.
Mitchell : He drowned, Cam!
Charlie :Is he all right?
Cameron : Yeah, yeah, I just think he needs a little air.
Mitchell : You know who else needed air? Snorkels!
Cameron : Excuse me.
Mitchell : Snorkels?! Where are you, Snorkels?!
Cameron : Mitchell, get back here!
Mitchell : Oh, Snorkels!
Cameron : Mitchell, what is wrong with you?!
Mitchell : What do you think is wrong with me? I'm starving!
Cameron : Well, if you're starving, then just eat something!
Mitchell : I can't eat something because then you'll get mad at me, and we're at my boss' house!
Cameron : I'm not gonna get mad at you! I appreciate what you're doing for me! I'm doing it for you.
Mitchell : Oh, you don't have to do anything for me. I love you just the way you are.
Cameron : I love you just the way you are. I got you! I got you, babe!
Mitchell : Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Cameron : I got you!
Mitchell : Cam, I can walk. I can walk.
Cameron : I got you!
Charlie :I think Mitchell may just be a work friend.
Alex : I let down my Mom and Dad today, and... worse than that, I let down my teacher.
Haley : It's all my fault. Everything I touch turns to Detention.
Alex : I'm sorry, Mom.
Haley : Me, too.
Claire : Oh, I don't really have a whole lot of moral high ground to stand on. I wasn't exactly my best self today either. All in all, not a great day for the Dunphys.
Luke : Come on, Dad! Believe in yourself! You're making the impossible unimpossible.
Claire : Phil. Oh, my God.
Luke : Don't even bother. He's in the zone. He can't hear you.
Alex : Go, Dad!
Haley : You got this!
Claire : All week long, I'd been telling my girls how to act instead of showing them, but not Phil. Phil could have said, Or "Haley, challenge yourself. Don't give up so easily." But instead of talking the talk. Phil walked the walk. And isn't that what we're supposed to do for the people we love? It's definitely a challenge... But Phil made it look easy seven feet off the ground.
Alex : You're awesome!
Phil : Oh, my goodness!
Claire : Turns out, I've had my Super Dunphy all along.
Alex : Yeah!
Phil : What was on my mind as I was walking across that wire? I kept thinking, if I can do this, then I've got two ways of getting across my yard.
Gloria : Did you have fun?
Lily : Yes. She's the cutest dog in the whole world.
Gloria : Yeah, I heard you the first time.
Jay : Let's go find your daddies.
Mitchell : We're in here! Oh, my God. These cupcakes are so good.
Cameron : I'm so sorry. We helped ourselves. We were so hungry. They are delicious.
Mitchell : I love that they're not too sweet, you know?
Cameron : Mmm. Mmm. They taste almost like pate. You know, I mean...
Lily : But why are you eating?
Cameron : We've been on a juice cleanse. You need to mind your own business, sweetie, for right now.
