Claire : Okay, let's see... Oh, could you grab me an extra virgin...
Phil : I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Claire : Olive oil, Phil.
Phil : Come on. That's funny.
Claire : Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle "sandwich rap."
Phil : Girl, you crazy. I'm mad fun to shop with. ♪ Trapped in between two whole wheat slices. Pastrami and Swiss are my only vices. ♪
Claire : Sweetie, my shoe. Come on. Jesus. God.
Phil : Hello.
Woman : Hi.
Phil : Oh, roadblock. Beep beep! Pardon me.
Woman : Oh!
Phil : Are you okay?
Claire : Actually, not okay. Not okay.
Phil : Honey, did you pull from the bottom again?
Cameron : So after hors d'oeuvres, we'll bring everyone in here to share the news.
Cameron : We're having the family over tomorrow night to tell them we're planning on adopting a new baby.
Mitchell : Yes, and we both agreed to... to go a little more low-key with the announcement this time.
Mitchell : Okay, just to be clear, this is low-key?
Cameron : It's a banner and just some light musical accompaniment, Mitchell. I don't have a lower key. Besides, this is a happy occasion. Am I right, Lily? Aren't you excited to get a new baby brother?
Lily : No! I hate the baby!
Mitchell : We are having a slight issue getting Lily on board with the adoption. "I hate the baby."
Cameron : "No new baby."
Mitchell : "I wanna make the baby dead."
Cameron : I thought we weren't gonna share that one.
Mitchell : I-I-I just hope that the problem is she hasn't spent much time with any babies.
Cameron : So we thought it would be a great idea to show her how much fun it'll be to have one around.
Mitchell : Oh, he is so cute!
Woman : Yeah, and he never cries. Literally never. It's actually a little weird.
Cameron : Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Mitchell : Yeah, that never happened.
Cameron : Oh. No? Really? You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.
Woman : Oh, is this Lily?
Mitchell : Oh, yes, it is. Hey, honey. Say hi to the baby.
Lily : My Daddy!
Mitchell : Oh! Okay, so that's one problem solved.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Bye! See you soon! Or never.
Mitchell : Cam, I'm a little freaked out about what Lily did.
Cameron : Oh, please. She barely touched him, and he went from zero to big crybaby.
Mitchell : We're talking about bringing another child into this house. How's that gonna work with Lily being so possessive of you?
Cameron : Why am I hearing an accusatory tone?
Mitchell : Oh, come on. You have to admit that you do coddle her.
Cameron : I will not apologize for loving our daughter.
Mitchell : I'm not criticizing. I'm not only criticizing, but we did talk about giving Lily a little more independence.
Cameron : Yeah, which is why we put her in preschool.
Mitchell : Yes, but you can't bear to leave her there. You always pick her up early.
Cameron : That is ridiculous.
Mitchell : Okay. Okay. Lily, honey, did daddy pick you up early from preschool today?
Lily : No.
Cameron : Case closed.
Lily : We didn't go.
Mitchell : Case opened.
Lily : We went shopping.
Cameron : That's enough.
Lily : We bought matchy hats.
Cameron : You are going to your room.
Mitchell : You're both going to her room.
Cameron : Do we spend a lot of time together? Yes Do we have a special bond? Absolutely. But do I coddle her more than any other loving parent? It's possible. And for Lily's sake, I should probably work on that.
Gloria : No, you calm down! This is how I talk when somebody accuses my Manny of stealing.
Jay : Who is that?
Gloria : It's the principal. He's saying that Manny stole some girl's locket. What, do you think that all Colombians are criminals because a Colombian necktie is a symbol of violence all over the world? No, no, I'm not threatening you. Okay. Apology accepted. No, I didn't mean anything about the necktie. I just... I was trying to make a point.
Alex : Could you "L" a little less "O L"? Don't you see what I'm trying to do here?
Haley : Die alone?
Claire : Girls, dinner!
Alex : You know, why does Luke get his own room, and I still have to share with you? I can't take it anymore.
Haley : Me either, even if it is just for one more year... When I leave for college.
Alex : Is it one more year or when you leave for college? Because those happen to be two different things.
Phil : So I hear this little voice coming from the cans and it's like... "Help! I fell in the peaches!"
Luke : That's Mom! Hilarious!
Phil : So hilarious. I'm like, "Claire?"
Claire : You might wanna tell them that it was you who pushed me into the peaches in the first place.
Phil : This again? I wasn't even near you.
Claire : Yes, you were! You knocked me with the cart. It was completely your fault.
Phil : Well, let's just agree to disagree.
Claire : No. I-I disagree to disagree.
Phil : Then you agree.
Claire : No. No, I don't, because I'm right.
Phil : Okay, Claire. You're right.
Haley : As usual.
Claire : No, I am right.
Haley : Like always.
Claire : Stop it. When I am wrong, I admit it.
Luke : Which is never.
Claire : Fine. Fine.
Manny : Aah!
Jay : You're a little jumpy tonight, Manny. Anything wrong?
Manny : No. Well, I'm just gonna...
Jay : Have a seat, kid. You know, maybe it's me, but I thought you were kinda squirrelly tonight, you know, before when your mom was on the phone with the principal. Almost like you wanted to say something... But you just couldn't. Anything you wanna say now, Manny?
Manny : No. I have nothing to say.
Jay : You sure about that? Think real hard.
Manny : Could I get a glass of water?
Jay : That girl's locket... you took it, didn't you?
Manny : Um...
Jay : Didn't you?
Manny : Yes. Yes, I took it. I didn't mean to.
Jay : I don't wanna hear any excuses. You're gonna tell your mom, and you're gonna set this right. Do you understand? All right, get out of here. Just one more thing. You're not, um... You're not wearing that locket, are you?
Manny : No. Of course not. It's a girl's. Why would I want to wear it?
Jay : No reason.
Manny : Mom, hurry up! I don't want to be late for school.
Jay : You didn't tell her, did you?
Gloria : What's the hurry this morning? Okay, what's with the looks? It's like a silent movie in here.
Manny : Okay. I was walking behind this girl Alicia, who's moving away, and I was working up the courage to get her new address so I can write her. I express myself a lot better on paper than...
Jay : Tick-tock, kid.
Manny : Well, she dropped her locket, and I picked it up, but she kept walking, and I...
Gloria : You stole the locket. After I told the principal that you could have never done something like that, and I threaten him with the Colombian necktie! Manny, why?
Jay : Don't worry. It wasn't 'cause he wanted to wear it.
Manny : I thought I could keep it as something to remember her by. But then you were yelling at Mr. Vickers, and I-I was just too scared to tell you.
Gloria : Go to the car.
Manny : I'm really sorry.
Gloria : Go. Why would he do something like that? It's bad enough that he's the boy with the pan flute and the puffy shirts and... and the poems. Now he's the jewelry thief.
Jay : Might be an upgrade.
Gloria : Ay, Jay, this is not funny. Those things stick to you. My cousin Rosa Marina, when she was 14, she stole something, and after that, everybody thinks of her as the girl who steals cars.
Jay : She stole a car?
Gloria : Cars. But after she got that label, what else could she do?
Jay : Listen, you can't control what kids think, but you can make sure he learns from this. You take him to the principal's office, he owns up to it, he never does it again.
Gloria : Okay. Okay. But what was he thinking? This is not even real gold.
Alex : No way, Haley! It was my idea! I'm taking this room!
Haley : Over my dead body! This is going to be my room, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Alex : Seriously?
Luke : What are you guys fighting about?
Haley : Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex : But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley : Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke : Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley : Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex : With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke : It is kinda cool.
Luke : I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.
Mitchell : Good morning, princess. Good morning, Lily.
Cameron : Very adorable, Mitchell, but I'm having kind of a rough morning,
Lily : Daddy, up.
Cameron : I'm sorry, Lily, those days are over. Now here's your lunch. Go get your bag. We will be leaving shortly.
Mitchell : Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.
Cameron : Do you think I'm enjoying this? But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes or who knows what she'll do to it.
Mitchell : Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?
Lily : Kill the new baby.
Mitchell : Oh. Um, look, I-I-I know this is hard, but I really appreciate what you're doing. And believe me, I take no pleasure in seeing you suffer like this.
Mitchell : I take a little pleasure. No, but there--there are very few parenting issues where I come out on top. You know, I'm distant. I work too much. My French braiding is "sloppy." Finally, you know, something that isn't my fault.
Lily : Ready.
Cameron : Okay. Could you please just go put her in her car seat while I compose myself?
Mitchell : All right, you know what, Cam? Why don't I just take Lily to preschool on my way to work?
Cameron : I think that would be best. Let me just whip up a smoothie for you before you go.
Lily : I push the buttons, Daddy.
Cameron : You certainly do.
Manny : What do you think the principal's going to do to me? I am a first-time offender. Oh, great. Now I'm tardy. Strike two.
Gloria : Manny, think of this in a positive way, like it is your "ha ha" moment.
Manny : What does that mean?
Gloria : That means that one day, you're gonna laugh about it.
Manny : Ah, I should've just given that stupid necklace back to Alicia when she was standing right next to her locker. This is the worst day of my life, till tomorrow...
Gloria : Oh.
Manny : And every day after that. Come on, Mom. Let's get this over with.
Gloria : Wait.
Manny : What?
Gloria : Which one did you say that it was her locker? This one?
Manny : Mm-hmm. The one that smells like rose oil. Mom?
Gloria : Keep the lookout. Now promise me that you will never, ever do anything dishonest again.
Manny : I promise.
Gloria : Okay, because that's not the way I raised you. Don't tell Jay anything, okay?
Manny : Mnh-mnh.
Elaine : Hi, Lily.
Mitchell : All right, Lily.
Elaine : Hi.
Mitchell : Have fun, sweetheart. Bye.
Elaine : She is so sweet.
Mitchell : Oh, thanks. Well, you should've seen her yesterday. Yeah, she pushed a baby off of Cam's lap.
Elaine : Huh.
Mitchell : I know. I know. She is so possessive of him, but, you know, Cam's really working on trying not to coddle her so much, So...
Elaine : Mm-hmm. I'm not really sure it's about coddling. Sounds more like a sharing issue. You know, we've noticed Lily has a hard time with that.
Mitchell : Really?
Elaine : I wouldn't worry. Kids usually pick that habit up from other kids, except the ones that pick it up from their parents. We have a few of those in here. Of course, I can't share those names with you... Until I get a glass of wine in my hand.
Mitchell : Oh. Oh, miss Elaine.
Mitchell : I have been told that I might have the teensiest issue with sharing. But is that something Lily would even pick up on?
Mitchell : My chicken... My pillow.
Cameron : Ow! Mmm.
Mitchell : Daddy's pen.
Mitchell : Okay, it's possible. And I suppose for Lily's sake, I-I should work on that... Privately, because right now we really need to get Cam's coddling problem under control.
Claire : What's going on?
Luke : Moving into the attic. Give me a day or two to get settled, then I'll have you up.
Claire : When did all this happen?
Luke : Depends on who you ask. My plan's been in motion for three weeks.
Claire : Honey, this is a terrible idea. You're gonna hate it up there.
Alex : Mom, stay out of this.
Haley : Yeah. We all have our own rooms now. Everybody wins.
Claire : Well, don't get too comfortable in there, girls. Luke, it's cold, and it's scary up there. You're gonna be back in your own room by tomorrow night.
Phil : I don't know, Claire. It's got a lot of potential. This is a lot nicer than the attic I lived in when we met.
Claire : One night, if that. Trust me on this.
Haley : Oh, yes, because you're always right.
Claire : Sweetheart, I would love to be wrong. I just don't live with the right people for that.
Phil : Let it go, kids. She's not gonna budge. Kept me up all night with the...
Claire : Phil, you did push me!
Phil : Your word against mine. Guess it's one of those things we'll just never know, like what really happened to the "Titanic."
Claire : It hit an iceberg.
Phil : Maybe.
Claire : Mm, there's no maybe.
Phil : Oh, you're right, Claire.
Haley : Again.
Luke : Surprise, surprise.
Claire : Okay, I-I will see you over at Uncle Mitchell's. I'm gonna skip this meeting of the "Pile on Claire club".
Phil : Guess I pushed her into that pile, too.
Jay : I spend half my life waiting on you. How many times do you have to change your outfit?
Manny : Sorry, Jay. Too many choices is a prison.
Gloria : Just drive before he rethinks the pants.
Manny : What's wrong with my pants?!
Gloria : Go. Go. Go.
Jay : So, Manny, how'd it go with the principal today?
Gloria : It was terrible, but he was brave, and now it's over. Right, Manny?
Manny : Mm-hmm.
Gloria : Mm. So d...
Jay : What'd they give you? Detention? Suspension?
Gloria : No, just a warning because it was first offense. So how was work?
Jay : Great. Just a warning, huh?
Manny : Like she said.
Gloria : So I ask about work, and you change the subject.
Jay : Are you trying to hide something?
Gloria : No, I just wanna make sure he's okay.
Jay : You okay? 'Cause, I mean, it looks like you're sweatin' bullets back there, kid.
Gloria : Stop grilling him. First the principal, now you. This poor boy has been screamed at all day.
Manny : Well, not to mention...
Gloria : Quiet! I've got this.
Gloria : Where is Lily?
Cameron : Um, she's getting dressed.
Claire : All by herself?
Mitchell : Cam is encouraging her to be more independent. Oh. And there she is!
Claire : Ah! Ah!
Mitchell : Doesn't she look beautiful?
Cameron : She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.
Alex : Hey there!
Mitchell : Hi, guys. Come on in. How's it going?
Luke : Hey, do you guy have any old furniture? I'm moving into the attic.
Mitchell : The attic?
Luke : Hey, at least it's big. Grandpa said you used to live in the closet.
Cameron : Oh. Okay. Well, you know what? Yeah, we'll absolutely find you something for sure. Okay?
Lily : My Daddy!
Mitchell : Lily, no! I-I'm sorry, Luke.
Luke : This isn't over.
Cameron : Oh, my God. Mitchell, she's getting worse. I have turned her into a pushy, little, entitled monster on her way to a rap sheet and a bracelet on her ankle. Oh, she has a bracelet on her ankle.
Mitchell : Cam. Cam, Cam, This... this might not be entirely your fault.
Cameron : No, it is.
Mitchell : I spoke with Lily's teacher, and she thinks that--that she may have a problem with sharing, which she might have gotten from...
Cameron : You. You don't like to share.
Mitchell : No, I do it to make a point sometimes. Like, if you want the chicken, then order the chicken.
Cameron : Wait, when did you talk to Lily's teacher?
Mitchell : Uh, today, when I--when I dropped her off at school.
Cameron : And you let me suffer all day?
Mitchell : All right, look, we... we can't do this with everybody here. Can we please just get through the evening?
Cameron : Yes, but we are not making the announcement tonight because that is a joyful thing, and I am not feeling very joyful right now.
Mitchell : Well, I share your feeling.
Jay : Just so you know, I'm on to you. You never took Manny to the principal. Okay, play it like that, but I know Manny. He has more of a conscience than you have. He's not gonna be able to live with this.
Gloria : You'd be surprised what people can live with, Jay.
Claire : Hi, miss Lily. How's my big girl doing?
Lily : Good.
Claire : Can you tell me how old you are now?
Lily : Three.
Claire : That's four. This is three. Okay, show me again. How old are you?
Lily : Three.
Claire : No! That many is four. This many is three.
Phil : Don't argue, Lily. You'll never win.
Claire : Really, Phil? Okay, I-I was gonna wait until we got home for this, but now I think it's something everyone's gonna enjoy. Guys, everybody, come on down to the TV room. I've got something really special to share.
Cameron : Okay, how's everybody on drinks?
Gloria : If this is Alex's graduation again, just leave me the bottle.
Jay : I'm good, Cam.
Claire : Okay, everybody. Showtime.
Phil : Oh, my gosh. It's us at the market. How did you...
Claire : Uh-huh. Yeah, it's security camera footage.
Mitchell : I don't understand. What are we watching?
Jay : It ain't "The Godfather," I can tell you that much.
Claire : Okay, look, I fell yesterday at the market, and Phil and I have been having a little disagreement as to what happened. Just watch. Okay, right here. I stop to fix my shoe, and then Phil... right there. Okay. He makes way for this very attractive woman, whom he conveniently leaves out of his retelling of the story. Now right here, Phil backs up, pushes his butt into the cart, pushes me into the cans! Do you see that?! It's all his fault, just like I said! I was right! Suck it!
Phil : When did you get this...
Alex : Oh, my God. That's why you wanted to come separately.
Haley : You went to all that trouble just to prove you were right?
Claire : It really wasn't that much trouble. I just went to the store, found your friend Jordan the bag boy, who got me the manager. He gave me the address of the off-site security office. I filled out some paperwork. Sally faxed it to corporate. Three minutes later, I'm buying pack of DVDs and burning a copy. Cake.
Luke : It's like a sickness.
Claire : What? None of you believed me, so I got proof. You should all be sucking it right now.
Gloria : Hey, please stop with the "sucking it," Claire. The children!
Cameron : Yes, children are very impressionable. You'll never know what they'll pick up.
Mitchell : Okay, Cam, I'm sorry that I blamed it on you, okay? But we both need to look at our actions. I mean, if we're thinking about adopting another baby, then we need to...
Phil : You guys... you're adopting another kid?
Mitchell : No! No, no! You're...
Cameron : wait!
Gloria : Congratulations!
Mitchell : We're thinking about it. It's not...
Claire : Oh, wow!
Jay : What the hell's happening here?
Phil : Is that from "Footloose"?
Cameron : Really, Mitchell? You couldn't even share telling your family! Fine. Fine.
Gloria : But why are you upset? This is such good news.
Mitchell : No, we're a little on edge because Lily has been acting out like she doesn't want a sibling, and...
Cameron : Yeah, because Mitchell taught her to hate sharing.
Mitchell : And/or because Cam wears her like a fanny pack.
Jay : Oh, stop blaming each other. No kid wants a sibling. I mean, Claire hated you so much she stuck you in a dryer when you were two.
Mitchell : You put me in the dryer?
Claire : I did, but it wasn't 'cause I hated you. My friend Marci said that it wouldn't run with a kid inside it, and I knew it would. I was right.
Phil : Good governor. It's been going on since you were five?
Claire: Oh, my God. It is a sickness.
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : What would make me have that need at such a young age?
Mitchell : How long was I in that dryer? Because I... is this why I'm afraid of tumbling? I had to quit gymnastics, Claire!
Phil : A childhood without tumbling?
Claire : Ohh.
Phil : You knew this and just stood by and did nothing?!
Jay : Okay, okay. What's done is done! All you can do is learn from your mistakes. And in that spirit, I would like to propose a toast... to Manny. This week, he did something he wasn't supposed to do, like we all do...
Gloria : Like we all do! Salud to Manny!
Jay : Uh, not yet. But Manny stood up like a man. He admitted he was wrong and he took his licks, and I'm damn proud of him.
Gloria : Ah, now we clink!
Jay : No, we clink when I say we clink. So Manny made a mistake, but he didn't take the easy way out. He's got guts, he's got integrity. As far as I'm concerned, he's the best little b...
Manny : Okay, stop! Stop! I didn't do any of that. Mom broke into the locker and threw the necklace inside, and then we ran away like cowards. I'm sorry, Jay! I'm sorry!
Jay : I knew it! I was right! I was right!
All : Ohh.
Luke : Who is it?
Claire : Oh! Hi, honey. It's just me. Are you okay?
Luke : Yeah. I'm great.
Claire : So, how you liking your new digs?
Luke : I know you told me that I'd be cold... And scared...
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Luke : But I'm not.
Claire : No, I can see that. I was... I was wrong.
Luke : You were.
Claire : Yeah. Well, you're gonna hate this then, honey, but I'm gonna need you to go back down and sleep in your old room. I just... I'm worried if you get something so cool this early in your life, you're not gonna have anything to look forward to later.
Luke : I-I have to go now?
Claire : You can spend the night tonight here if you want.
Luke : Oh! No, if it's so important to you, I'll go now. You should come, too. Something sleeps over there.
Claire : Wait for me. Wait. Wait for me! Wait for me.
