Claire : Hi, honey. Breakfast will be ready in a minute.
Luke : Hi.
Claire : Aaaaaaaaah! My ha-a-a-nd! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Luke : Very funny, mom. I know it's Halloween. Nice fake hand.
Phil: Aaaah! Aaaah!
Luke : Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Phil : Ha ha ha!
Claire : Ha ha!
Phil : We love Halloween. Especially Claire.
Claire : It's my favorite holiday. Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. If there was a new horror movie in town, I was the first in line. "one, please." Then I met Phil.
Phil : "two, please."
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : Okay. All right. Do me.
Cameron : ♪ do me, do me, do me ♪
Mitchell : Cam, I have to say, I feel kind of sexy. Well, squeaky sexy, but...
Cameron : You know I'd be enjoying this more If Halloween wasn't such a tough day for me. But I want you to go to work... and knock their socks off.
Mitchell : Well, my last job was at a pretty conservative law firm. No one there would ever dress up for Halloween. But apparently at this new company...
Dale: Um, right now I'm thinking either vampire or werewolf. Every year it's harder to decide.
Mitchell : Wait, wait, wait. I-I'm sorry. Wait. So people really come to work in costumes here?
Lance : Are you kidding? It's epic, bro!
Dale : Epic.
Mitchell : Ohh.
Mitchell: I'm already the new guy. I don't want to be the non-partipation guy, too.
Cameron :Not on my watch. Unfortunately, Halloween was marred for me personally by an incident long ago. Now it's just a day I have to get through.
Mitchell : So you've said.
Claire : All right, so, everybody has to be here at 5:30 to rehearse our house of horrors. You guys have your costumes ready?
Luke : Yeah, but it's a secret. Me and Manny came up with something together.
Claire : I love that!
Luke : Can I have some candy?
Claire : No. How 'bout you, Alex?
Alex :Well, I haven't really thought about it. I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Claire : Honey, you can't just slap something together at the last minute. You know, if you gave this costume half as much time and attention as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Alex :Can I remind you, you have one child who's not mediocre?
Haley : Check it. I'm a scary black cat.
Claire : The only person that costume scares is me. Go change it.
Haley : To what?
Claire : I don't know. One of your old costumes. Honey, trust me. I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue. Ew.
Jay : Hello.
Claire : Hi. Dad. It's me. I wanted to make sure you and Gloria were ready for tonight.
Jay : What's tonight?
Claire : What do you mean, what is tonight? Dad, it's Halloween. You know this.
Jay : Calm down, Morticia, I'm just teasing you. We'll be there.
Claire : Yeah, but in costume this time. You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap and call yourself Snoop Dogg like you did last year.
Jay : I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective. Listen, don't worry. We got the whole thing worked out. Bye-bye.
Gloria : Hola, Jay!
Jay : Where are you?
Gloria : I have Manny in the carpool, And we're going to the dropout.
Jay : Dropout? You mean that Eddie kid? Yeah, he's a moron.
Gloria : No, the dropout, where you drop the kids in the school.
Manny : She means "drop-off."
Gloria : That's what I said.
Jay : Listen, did you ever do anything about costumes for Claire's thing tonight?
I'm going to pick them up this afternoon.
Gloria : You're going to be a "gargle," And I'm gonna be an evil village bruja.
Jay : I know less now than I did before I asked.
Gloria : Hmm. A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle.
Manny : She means "gargoyle."
Gloria : That's what I said.
Jay: As long as you got it covered. Because if Claire doesn't get her Halloween, She turns into a real "rhymes with 'bruja.'"
Mitchell : Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm the only one. Ohh.
Dale : At lunch, I'll let you wear my fangs.
Lance : Yeah?
Dale : Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Lawyer #1 : Whoo! Look at those tools.
Lawyer #2 : Every year. What a couple of douches.
Mitchell : Ohh. Oh, no.
Cameron : Hello?
Mitchell : There are exactly three people in costume here... A tool, a douche, and me. And I don't have time to go home and change and...
Cameron : Calm down. Did you bring in the dry-cleaning from last night?
Mitchell : Are you really getting on me about the dry-cleaning wh... Oh. I have suits in the trunk.
Cameron : Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today'crazy.
Mitchell : Yes. Thank you! Thank you. Okay.
Charlie : Oh, there you are.
Mitchell : Hey, Charlie.
Charlie : Hey, I need you in the Lampkin meeting. If I could just maybe have... Five minutes.
Mitchell : O-kay. Okay, hey.
Charlie : First legal question.
Mitchell : Yeah?
Charlie : Can I fire those idiots for no reason? Oh, my gosh. Those are some major guns you got there.
Mitchell : Eh, yeah.
Phil : Why won't this... hey, Jerry.
Jerry : Hey, Phil. Looking good.
Phil : Thanks. Wait till you see what we got planned for tonight. Claire and I are going as corpse bride and groom. As if there's any other kind, am I right? I'm saying marriage kills you.
Jerry : Judy left me.
Phil : Oh, my god. I am so sorry.
Phil : When someone your age dies, What's the first thing you want to know? "died of what?" right? You want to hear it was something That could never happen to you. Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse. No problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, And Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.
Jerry : I was totally blindsided. I guess somewhere along the way she stopped finding me delightful.
Phil : Well, that's - that's coconuts. You're super delightful.
Jerry : Not to Judy. She used to laugh at everything I had to say, but now I can't even remember what her laugh sounds like.
Phil : Claire can do it. It's uncan...
Jerry : I should go back inside. I have a dish to wash.
Phil : Okay, but, hey... Jerry, if you need anything, all right? I'm your rock.
Phil : You are not gonna believe this. Judy just left Jerry.
Claire : Oh, yeah. She was so unhappy. How's he doing?
Phil : He's not taking it as well as you are.
Claire : Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I don't mean to be insensitive. I've just got a lot to get done.
Phil : I don't find you insensitive. I find you delightful. Do you find me delightful?
Claire : Oh, god, I just remembered! Jerry's supposed to be our porch scarecrow. Can you ask him if he'll still do it?
Phil : He's kind of a mess right now.
Claire : Yeah, but it might make him feel better be around people.
Phil : I'll try... But his whole world just turned upside down. Can you imagine? One minute, you're happily married, the next minute, you're completely by yourself.
Lawyer #3 : I don't need excuses. I need this lawsuit to go away. Now, who's responsible for the keith deposition?
Dale: uh, well, I was, "shir." But, uh, in my defense, I "wash" told...
Lawyer #3 : Take those stupid fangs out, Dale. For starters, it's daytime. Vampires sleep during the day... which you may soon have plenty of time for.
Dale : I'm sorry, but I was told that we didn't need Keith.
Lawyer #3 : Who told you that?
Mitchell : I-I-I may have. I may have done that, sir.
Lawyer #3 : Well, that's disappointing. But at least Mitchell's new here. Twilight, you're not. So get it done. Meeting adjourned.
Charlie : Clive's waiting for us in my office. We're already late. Let's roll. Ah, you've really been hitting the gym. Yeah.
Lawyer #3 : What the hell is that noise?
Mitchell : Every time I tried to get out of that costume, I got dragged into another meeting. It was the worst Halloween ever.
Cameron : Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs. I lost a childhood.
Gloria : Jay! This came for you.
Jay : Oh. Hi, honey. What is it?
Gloria : I called your secretary and told her to order you some crackers and those cheeses that you like... the tiny, little ones.
Jay : Thanks. Did you pick up my "gargle" costume, too?
Gloria : Are you making fun of me?
Jay : No.
Gloria : First, Manny correcting me. And now you? If I have a problem, I want to know, Jay.
Jay : Honey, look, English is your second language. You're doing great.
Gloria : Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. I want you to be honest with me.
Jay : Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny, little mistakes You might want to te a look at.
Gloria : Like what?
Jay : Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example... Last night, you said, "we live in a doggy-dog world."
Gloria : So?
Jay : Well, it's "dog-eat-dog world."
Gloria : Yeah, but... That doesn't make any sense. Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? A doggy-dog world is a beautiful world Full of little puppies! What else do I say wrong?
Jay : Well, it's not "blessings in the skies." It's "blessings in disguise."
Gloria : What else?
Jay : "carpal tunnel syndrome" Is not "carpool tunnel syndrome."
Gloria : And what else?
Jay : It's not "volumptuous."
Gloria : Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent. But people understand me just fine!
Jay : What the hell is this?
Gloria : I told you, Jay, I called your secretary and told her to order you a box of baby cheeses! Oh! So now it's my fault too!
Jerry : Oh, yeah, can you tell Claire that I'm not really up for being the scarecrow? Judy and I used to love Halloween. It's her favorite holiday.
Phil : Huh.
Jerry : You know?
Phil : Gosh, I hate to think of you sitting in there alone, Running through all this in your head. What could you have done differently? What could you have done differently?
Jerry : It's actually a little hard for me to talk about.
Phil : Don't push me away. I'm not Judy.
Jerry : I could've been more spontaneous. Uh-huh. I-I-I could've tried to have been more fun and sexy like I was in the old days.
Phil : Spontaneous and sexy. I got it. Yep. And remember, I'm here for you, okay? Ohh! Son of a...
Claire : What the hell is that?!
Haley : What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire : Not from when you were 8. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen? Change it. Go.
Phil : Jerry is a no-go on the crow.
Claire : You've been over there this whole time?
Phil : Yeah, he was venting. I couldn't break free. God... You are sexy.
Claire : Honey...
Phil : Not so fast. I don't think we're... It's okay.
Claire : I need to get down.
Phil : Oh, we can get down. We can get way down.
Claire : Oh, god! Phil!
Mitchell : No! No, no, no, no, no! No! Okay. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. Focus, Mitchell. Focus. Focus.
Cameron : Hello?
Mitchell : I'm trapped in a men's room, And all I have on is the spider-man suit.
Cameron : Hot. Who is this?
Mitchell : Somebody took my shirt, and all the rest Of my clothes are all "toilety." I'm screwed.
Cameron : Why don't you just tell Charlie the truth?
Mitchell : I can't. I already messed up once today. And I can't risk it. I-I have another suit in my trunk, But I can't get to the car without going through the office.
Cameron : You know what's ironic? Who could really help you right now is spider-man.
Mitchell : He's here. Ugh! Ooh! Okay. Okay. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no.
Luke : Behold, my creation! Monster, do my bidding!
Manny : I do as you command, master.
Claire : So cute.
Haley : Okay. Mom. You cannot have a problem with this. I'm Mother Teresa.
Claire : Are you kidding me?
Haley : What? I'm her back when she was hot.
Claire : I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes.
Alex :Bet it's the first time you ever heard that one.
Claire ! Okay. You know what? Here. Here we go. Here you go. Let's just cover you up. All right, now, I just want to run through this Really quick with everybody. Um, first, it's "trick or treat?" And then, Phil...
Phil : "come in if you dare."
Claire : Right, and then dad does The thunder and the lightning and the fog. Usher the children in past Alex her cage.
Alex :I'm in a cage?
Claire : Yes! You're in a house of horrors being held against your will.
Alex :I know, so why do we need the cage?
Claire : And then Gloria pops up as the evil village bruja, and she says... "welcome to your nightmare. Ah ha ha ha ha!" and the Cam and Haley do their thing. Kids get their candy. They are ushered out. They think it's all over, but it's not! Because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life... Wow! ... for one final "aah!" And that's... Mitchell, you're the scarecrow!
Mitchell : Oh, no, no. I was in a costume all day. It was awful.
Cameron : It's nothing compared to when I was...
Mitchell : You don't own bad Halloweens.
Cameron : Don't I?
Claire : Okay. We get it, Cam. Hard day. Mitchell, please. The costume's in the kitchen. Come on.
Mitchell : Ohh. uh, Claire, Claire.
Phil : Before you go, I just want you to know...
Claire : Okay. The wig. That - that's...
Phil : ...I love you more now than I ev...
Claire : That's nice.
Phil : You're my best friend!
Jay : Hey, guys.
Phil : Hey. Wow. God, you guys look great.
Gloria : Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay : Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria : Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speak in proper American So I don't embarrass you.
Phil : Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay : She's mad at me because I told her Sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil : Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.
Claire : Hey! Dad! Oh, you look great! Oh, good. Okay, Gloria's in position. Hi, Gloria. There you go. Right back here.
Cameron : Claire, I don't know that I'm... I'm feeling up to this.
Claire : Why, Cam? Why? What happened that is so awful you simultaneously can't speak of it and yet can't stop talking about it?
Cameron : I can't. It's too emotional.
Claire : Okay. Some other time.
Cameron : I was 10.
Mitchell : Oh, god.
Cameron : Dressed as Quasimodo on a front porch With my best friend, Timmy Reglar, a ghostbuster. There was a bucket of candy with a sign. It said "take one." one. Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in his bag. Timmy didn't play by the rules. It's what I liked and feared about him.
Claire : Oh.
Cameron : Then the bag broke as a crowd of kids rounded the corner, saw the pile of candy. Timmy said, "Cam did it!"
Kids : Trick or treat?
Claire ; Oh, good. Aren't you glad you got that out? Okay, everybody, our first victims! This is not a rehearsal. You ready? You ready?
Phil : Yes. Yes.
Claire : Okay.
Phil : Come in...If you dare.
Claire : Dad.
Jay : Huh? Oh. L-let me see.
Phil : Thank you for joining us on our sp...
Claire : No, no, no. First the thunder and the lightning!
Jay : Yeah, right. I got it.
Claire : Perfect.
Phil : Thank you for joining us... on our special night.
Claire : Other children haven't fared so well.
Gloria : Welcome to your nightmare. Ha ha ha ha!
Claire : What the hell is that?
Girl : Can, uh - can we just get our candy?
Haley : Okay. But with all the fog, you may not be able to see... "ahead."
Cameron : Boo. Timmy started running. I wanted to run too but got stuck on a rose bush and that's when I fell. I fell hard!
Girl : We can see his feet.
Claire : Okay... Here, here! Have some candy. Happy Halloween. Okay, that was bad. That was a bad start. First of all, Dad, thunder, lightning, fog, cue. And we skipped Alex altogether. And... Gloria, since when do you speak English?
Gloria : Oh... so now you have a problem with the way I speak. Like father, like daughter, in this "dog eat dog" family...
Claire : Oh...
Kids : Trick or treats!
Claire : Okay. Places, places! Good.
Phil ; I love you so much!
Claire : Not now. Not now.
Phil : Come in, if you dare!
Claire : Dad! Dad!
Jay : Oh right! Right! Fog, the cue?
Phil : Thank you for joining us on our special night.
Claire : Other children haven't fared so well...
Alex :Ow, help me, help me...
Gloria : Welcome to your nightmare, oh, oh, oh!
Haley : But with all the fog, you may not be able to see... "ahead."
Cameron : And everyone was screaming! "that's him! Get quasimodo!" And then the townspeople started chasing me! And that's when I wet my pants! I wet my pants! I wet my pants.
Boy : This place is weird. Let's go.
Phil : Mother of god. Ohh! Son of a...
Claire : What is wrong with everyone?! Cam, "townspeople"? Really?
Cameron : I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople.
Claire : And, dad! Dad! It goes - lightning, thunder, fog cue!
Jay : This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.
Gloria : Claire just doesn't understand, Cam. Maybe she's never been picked on for being different.
Claire : When, Gloria? When have you ever been picked on for "being different"?
Gloria : Ask the "gargle."
Claire : what did she say?
Jay : Gloria!
Luke : I think she went insane.
Manny : She's not insane. She's my mother.
Luke : I'm your mother now!
Jay : Gloria... I want to tell you a story... about a guy eating in a diner, alone. Behind him he hears a woman talking. He doesn't turn around - 5 minutes, 10 minutes. Just listening to the woman, the life in her voice. And before he even sees her he realizes he's fallen in love. Now, I'll give you a guess who that guy is.
Mitchell: Aw, my dad was...
Gloria : Aah!
Mitchell : Ohh! Oh, my god!
Cameron : You know what? I'm just gonna go.
Claire : No. Come on, Cam.
Alex :Uh, if uncle cam is leaving, I'm just gonna go upstairs and study.
Haley : Yeah, I have a party to go to, so...
Mitchell : Ohh! She punched me in the face!
Gloria : He came out of nowhere, and he scared the baby "cheeses" out of me!
Jay : Hey, you're talking normal again.
Gloria : Oh, I loved the story about the old man.
Jay : Well, nobody said "old."
Mitchell : Oh, Cam, can we please just go?
Cameron : Yes.
Claire : Yeah, go, please. I don't care.
Mitchell : Oh. Claire.
Claire : No, no. I'm done. I'm done. I'm not done. So not done. Look, here's the thing. We - we have reworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia, and I don't mind. Thanksgiving - that used to be me roasting a turkey, Until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey-cooking craze it is that you saw on the food network, All I ask - all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much, But it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron : That's a lot of complaining from somebody Who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.
Phil : Claire.
Claire : No! No! Not ready to talk!
Phil : No. Listen... I know I haven't been much help today. That - that whole Jerry and Judy thing, It really hit me hard.
Claire : Is that why you've been acting like such a nut all day?
Phil : You know, what if someday that's us?
Claire : Honey! Okay, you... you might not want to hear this right now after the meltdown I just had in there, but... you're kind of stuck with me.
Phil : You promise?
Claire : Aw. I do.
Phil : Oh. That's great.
Kids : Trick or treat?
Claire : We should just put out a bowl of candy and have a cocktail, right?
Phil : Yeah.
Manny : Come in if you dare.
Luke : Thank you for joining us on our special night.
Haley : Other children haven't fared so well.
Phil : Hey!
Alex :Help me! Help me!
Claire : She's doing it.
Gloria : welcome to your nightmare, muchachos!
Phil : No! No!
Haley : But with all this fog, it might be hard to see "ahead."
Cameron: Aaaaahhh!
Claire : Yeah! Yeah!
Mitchell : : Wha-ha-ha!
Phil : We're back in the game! Let's go!
Claire : I love it! I love it!
Phil : whoa! That was for you. That was for you. I just did it for you. No, it wasn't.
Luke : Or I'll have to give you the 'hindenburg' maneuver.",
Cameron : Oh, one time she caught me staring off. And she goes, "Cam, what's wrong? You look like a deer in 'head lice'!"
Jay : In the service, I had a job, briefly, handling explosives. which sounds dangerous, but it's not. You store them at the right temperature, you have no problems...
Phil : If you tell her she doesn't have a choice, she'll say, "don't you give me an 'old tomato.'"
Mitchell : Or when she says...
Gloria : okay! Enough! You try speaking in another language! Everybody out of my house!
Jay : ...Until you do.
