Phil : And we have... lift-off. Yello, house of the future.
Claire : Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
Phil : Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.
Claire : Great. Great. Now go out and see some friends.
Phil : I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am... not too bright. I am... dim!
Claire : Honey, if you could hear yourself. Promise me you'll go outside and play.
Phil : Miss you, too. Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Luke : Shall we hit the waterslide first?
Manny : I may just sit in the room for a bit.
Luke : Stop moping! So you didn't get a date to one stupid dance.
Manny : It's not one stupid dance. It's the kickoff to the whole dance season.
Luke : It's like you've never heard boys talk.
Claire : Hi! We are here for the academic challenge. It's under "Dunphy." Or it could be under "returning champion." Not sure how they file these things.
Claire : Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I... I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, 2-second freefall, and a radar gun at the bottom. I'm Phil.
Claire : Nothing from the minibar, and no pay-per-view.
Manny : Can we at least...
Claire : No, you may not send things out for pressing. Honey, we have an hour until the competition. Do you want to go to the contestants mixer?
Alex : No, I don't want to humanize them.
Girl #1 : Can you believe this is my first bar mitzvah?
Girl #2 : You'll love it. I heard the gift bags have smartphones.
Girl #1 : Jewish people are so awesome.
Manny : Oh, my God. Did you see that? She smiled at me.
Luke : People get that way in dance season.
Manny : No girl's ever smiled at me like that. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah.
Luke : Why?
Manny : There was a connection. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has led to this moment.
Luke : You made a very similar speech to get my mom to stop for those churros.
Manny : Luke, I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am. You're a bigger liar. You have no moral compass.
Luke : Look, thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.
Manny : Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?
Luke : Now it's interesting.
Mitchell : Cam, stop.
Cameron : What? We have to get them out of there. What's taking them?
Cameron : We have the most amazing gift for Jay and Gloria's nursery.
Mitchell : It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty big swing.
Cameron : It's not a swing. It's not a swing. I just need Jay and Gloria out of the house for a minimum of four hours so I can have my crew install it.
Mitchell : Simple.
Cameron : Please. If it were up to you, we'd get them something off their gift registry.
Mitchell : You mean the list of things that they specifically said that they wanted?
Cameron : They don't know what they want.
Jay : ...before I snap his finger off!
Gloria : Ay, no. Jay was supposed to cancel. We cannot go to lunch.
Cameron : No.
Gloria : I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cameron : You can be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
Mitchell : She really set you up for that one, didn't she?
Cameron : Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing.
Gloria : You didn't call them to cancel.
Jay : Sorry. You want gas money?
Gloria : Don't pay attention to him. He's been very grumpy lately.
Cameron : Okay, here's a thought. Mitchell, you go to the crib store with Jay. That way I can spend some quality time with this pretty lady.
Gloria : No, I'm going to lay down.
Cameron : No, no, I'm gonna take you both to lunch. Okay? There, it's settled. Now go put a lip on. Okay?
Jay : Fine. I guess you won't get in the way.
Mitchell : You mean it, pa? Really and for true? I won't get in the way?
Mom : That's a good idea.
Claire : Yeah. The chairs are rocks.
Boy : Charlemagne.
Claire : You can get a 1-day cushion for $8, or a 2-day for $12.
Jury : Alex Dunphy.
Claire : Last year, I got 2 1-dayers-big mistake.
Jury : Who wrote the 95 theses?
Claire : My daughter went on to win the whole thing, and all I could think was "I just flushed $4 down the toilet."
Alex : John Calvin.
Claire : Whoo, Alex! I guess I just didn't want to presume that we would be here for the two days. But still, what kind of message was I sending with the 1-dayer?
Alex : You "whoo'd" me?
Claire : What are you doing here?
Alex : I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is embarrassing enough without you "whoo-ing" me!
Claire : Alex! Alex, come back here. Don't!
Dave : Wait, what are the last four numbers again?
Phil : 1-9-8-4. It's kind of a lucky number for me. It's the year "Footloose" came out.
Dave : Yeah. And I really am gonna call you for that rematch.
Phil : Anytime. I mean, not super late, but... Wait, you're a bulldog?
Dave : Yeah. You?
Phil : I knew there was something about you I liked.
Dave : You mean besides me letting you win?
Phil : You know, we have a big game today. You wanna watch it together?
Dave : Oh, hu... Well...
Phil : Shoot. I'm... I'm late for a showing. No pressure at all, but if you feel like it, we could watch it at my place. I could text you the address.
Dave : All right. Well, thanks. It was great meeting you, Phil.
Phil : You, too, Dave.
Dave : Hey, it's me. Yeah, you were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy.
Cameron : What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells.
Dave : Redundant. Well, I don't know much about him, but he invited me over to his place to watch a football game tonight.
Cameron : Oh, my gosh, a date. I have a good feeling about this.
Dave : Well, don't start planning the wedding yet. I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date date.
Cameron : You met him at hook-up central. Of course it's a date date.
Dave : Am I even ready for a date date?
Cameron : Tough love time, David, Simon left you six months ago, and you're bumming everyone out. It's time to get back up on that horse.
Phil : Hope to see you tonight, Dave.
Cameron : I can't remember the last time a man made that sound for me.
Manny : She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
Luke : Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. ou said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S. they're hash browns.
Manny : We're not blending. She's at one of the other two. Come on. Sorry.
Luke : Such a hurry, this one.
Manny : Come on.
Mitchell : That's too cute.
Jay : What the hell is that?
Mitchell : That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Bunny. He goes around and he hugs...
Jay : No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.
Mitchell : Okay. So, dad, the cribs are over there, but while we're here, a little advice, you can never have too many onesies. All right? Any event, day or night. Throw one on, little pair of booties, boom-ready to go out. Dress it up, you could dress it down. You could... Dad? Dad?
Mitchell : Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before. "Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?" "Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?" To use a sports reference, put the football away, Lucy. I ain't kickin'.
Jay : So Saturday noon?
Jensen : Saturday noon's fine, Jay.
Mitchell : Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Fun fact... this insulated pouch will keep a bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles concert.
Jay : Mitch, it's doctor...
Jensen : Bob Jensen. Nice to meet you. Jay, I will see you.
Jay : Yeah, I'll see you then. Good, Bob.
Mitchell : Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can see that you're going through something." "And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'.
Claire : She clearly misheard the question. The acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a little girl just getting over an ear infection.
Alex : Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Claire : I was explaining your...
Alex : I heard, because my ears are fine. I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
Claire : I'm trying to help you.
Alex : You were not. You were trying to help you. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony.
Claire : That is not true.
Alex : Don't deny it. You bought the 2-day cushion.
Claire : Who are you to judge?
Gloria : Thank you for a fun day, okay? Good-bye.
Cameron : Good-bye?
Gloria : Ay, Cam, sorry, but the lunch was two hours, and then you had to show me your first apartment.
Cameron : Could you believe how I used to live?
Gloria : I really need to take a nap now.
Cameron : No. No, no. No. No. No, no. You know what? I have, something I want you to do that's even more relaxing than a nap.
Gloria : No. I want to take a nap.
Phil : There's my man.
Dave : That's me. Your man. I brought spinach dip. I don't know why.
Phil : I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's delicious, and you're an awesome guest. Get in here.
Dave : All right.
Phil : How are you?
Dave : Good. You?
Phil : Good. By the way, I left a message for my brother-in-law and his partner to join us, too.
Dave : More people. Good. Nice house, by the way.
Phil : Thanks.
Dave : Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are you married?
Phil : Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long overdue for a boys' night.
Dave : So your wife is okay with...
Phil : Oh yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine. You ready for a margarita?
Dave : Sure.
Cameron : Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax.
Gloria : No, you're making the baby jump on my bladder. How can it relax listening to a song about a hooker?
Cameron : She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to... Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this song. Excuse me. Hello?
Dave : He's married. To a woman. Yeah, she's out of town. I don't know. They must have some sort of arrangement or something.
Cameron : So what? If they know about it, who cares? You're not ready for a relationship anyway. Just have some fun.
Dave : It feels weird. He has other people coming over. I think I'm gonna bail on this.
Cameron : He's just feeling you out like you're feeling him out. I promise you, these other guests will mysteriously cancel. Hold on just a second, sweetie. Hello?
Phil : Hey, you guys still coming?
Cameron : Oh, I forgot to call you. We have to cancel.
Phil : No problem. Bye. More margaritas for us. The other guys just cancelled.
Cameron : Are you still there?
Dave : You were right. The other guys just cancelled.
Cameron : See? Now listen to me. You're gonna have two margaritas. Maybe start a third. Laugh at his jokes. But not in that high falsetto thing. Something more manly. Let's practice.
Dave : I'm not gonna laugh for you. You can be very controlling, you know that?
Cameron : Why does everybody say I'm controlling?
Dave : Gotta go.
Phil : Looks like this kennel is for bulldogs only. You all right?
Dave : Yeah, I'm all right. I'm great.
Phil : Oh, good.
Dave : Listen, I-I don't want this to sound weird, but, um... But you and I, tonight... Is this, uh...
Phil : Sorry, Dave, what was that?
Dave : Nothing.
Phil : Here you go.
Clerk : For a small fee, we can come to your house and assemble it for you.
Mitchell : Yeah, my dad's more of a do-it-yourself-er, plus he's not one for strangers in his personal space.
Clerk : All right. Well, can I help you carry it to your car?
Mitchell : Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, either. The guy won't even use the wheels on his suitcase. Likes everyone to think he's this big, tough guy who... Okay.
Jay : There he is. All right. Let's get this done.
Mitchell : Dad, you know...
Jay : No, we don't need any help, Mitchell. Just pick up your end.
Mitchell : Dad, stop, stop, stop.
Jay : What? A break already?
Mitchell : Dad, you're obviously going through something. Look, you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want.
Jay : That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a little princess table with a tea set on it. You and I could have a real gab fest.
Mitchell : I'm such a blockhead.
Jay : Can't we just get this into the car?
Mitchell : Why? So you're not late for your shrink session?
Jay : What?
Mitchell : Yeah. I picked up on that. Bunny hugger! Saw that, too. Mobile spinner. I swear to God...
Claire : What are you doing back here?!
Alex : I didn't have the room key, and I don't want to be seen in public.
Claire : I thought about what you said before...
Jury : When did China's last emperor ascend the throne?
Alex : 1909.
Claire : And you can say a lot of things about me, but I am not someone who lives through her kids.
Jury : Sorry. It's 1909.
Claire : Do I like to see you succeed? Of course I do!
Jury : Tritium is an isotope of what element?
Alex : Hydrogen.
Claire : But do I need that to make myself feel important? Absolutely not.
Jury : No, the answer is hydrogen.
Claire : As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt you would think I was so shallow.
Jury : The persian satrapy of Skudra included which two areas?
Alex : Macedonia and Thrace.
Claire : I know moms like that, and that is not me. No way.
Jury : Macedonia and Thrace.
Claire : Are you freaking kidding me?! Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?! You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?! I said "we."
Alex : Yeah. You do that sometimes.
Claire : I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
Alex : Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
Claire : You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
Alex : He does get his head pretty far around.
Claire : Alex, I'm so sorry.
Alex : It's okay. Maybe you do put pressure on me, but it's nothing compared to what I put on myself. I guess I needed somebody to blame for what happened today, and there you were.
Claire : You know I'm in awe of you, right? Come on. I know a back way out of this place.
Alex : Wait. Don't you have to return that?
Claire : No way. I paid good money for this. We're taking it down the waterslide.
Alex : Okay.
Manny : How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
Luke : Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the red sea?
Many : How do you know all this stuff?
Luke : Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?
Manny : Well, I'm glad it worked out for the ancient Jews, but at the moment I don't see God doing me any...
Luke : Look!
Security Guy : I'm not gonna embarrass you, but you got one minute to get out of here. You, too.
Luke : It's for the best. All this sneaking around was kind of weighing on me. Let's just grab our gift bags and go.
Manny : No. I still have 50 seconds.
Manny : Excuse me. My name is Manny Delgado, and I've been searching for you since you smiled at me in the lobby today, maybe even my whole life. It's too late for us to have the magical night I was hoping for, but it's not too late for us to have a memento of what might have been. I'll be waiting.
Jay : Okay, Mitch.
Mitchell : Too late. Not interested.
Jay : Now listen.
Mitchell : Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go out the back.
Jay : Door, sunroof, all on lockdown. Okay, look, that guy you met today he is a shrink. But I don't see him all the time. You mom and I saw him a little before the divorce. But every now and then, something comes up for me, and I go in for a tune-up.
Mitchell : If you're waiting for me to ask what's going on with you, you just better keep waiting, 'cause I learned my lesson.
Jay : I'm down about something. Something I knew was coming, and now it's finally happening. We're turning my office into the nursery today.
Mitchell : You've been moping around like you lost your platoon over a room?
Jay : Not just a room. It's the only place in this house where I can still close the door and read a book or have a drink. Everything in there was mine. Who cares? Everybody's got their problems.
Mitchell : No.
Jay : You know, I can still open my door. You just locked yourself back in.
Mitchell : Look, dad, I... I had to give up my home office for Lily's bedroom, and I was upset about it, too. Snwa't hugging bunnies, but...
Jay : All right.
Mitchell : I- I realize that it wasn't about an office or a room. It was about how Lily was gonna change everything. But once we got her in there, I don't know. I-I just- I never looked back.
Jay : Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous about everything, you know. Thanks, kid. You know, I'm just recalling me grumbling about giving up my MG Roadster when you and Claire came along. Great car. No backseat.
Mitchell : Isn't it funny? The stupid things that we think...
Jay : She was my baby. ...are so important.
Cameron : I guess all told, we had about 50 chickens. Maybe 115 head of hogs. Let's see, 55 cattle. You know what'll be fun? Let's see if I can remember all their names. There was... Albert, Lisa, Steph, and Mike Gloria! No, Gloria! Gloria!
Gloria : No. I do not want to hear one more story. I am going to take a nap now.
Cameron : Okay, yeah, sure. Whatever you want. This day's about you. Just one more thing.
Gloria : No, no one more thing!
Cameron : I just wanted to take a picture, you know, to commemorate our special day.
Gloria : Okay, fine! Take the picture!
Cameron : No, not here. The lighting's terrible. I was thinking we could take it... in your new nursery!
Gloria : No, Cam. No.
Cameron : But, Gloria, come.
Gloria : Somebody has to tell you this. No. You try to control everything. You take over people's lives! It's always too much with you!
Cameron : You know, maybe we should talk about this out in the hallway.
Gloria : Why, because there's gonna be better lighting over there? You're doing it again, Cam. You're doing it again!
Cameron : You're right. I am too much. I do control. I do barge. I'll have my friend Abelard come back and paint over it.
Gloria : So this is why you kept me outside all day? So that your friend Aburar could come and paint a present?
Cameron : Yeah, rather than getting you a gift off your registry like a normal person. I'm so stupid.
Gloria : I love it!
Cameron : You do?
Gloria : It's just like you, full of color... And life... and love.
Cameron : I really did think you'd love it.
Jay : What's going on up here? What the...
Mitchell : Okay, that was not my idea. I told Cam... I told him that's a lot to put on someone's wall.
Jay : Hold on. I like it.
Cameron : Really?
Jay : Thanks, Cam.
Mitchell : You actually...
Jay : Makes it easier to give up the room.
Phil : That's close. Guy was an inch out of bounds. Time-out. You know what? I'm not gonna be able to relax until I get this out of the way. Dishwasher. Pretty cool, huh?
Dave : Yeah. It is. Hey; do you think... Mind if I freshen this?
Phil : Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allow me. Your hand's shaking. Remember, Dave, it's just a game.
Dave : Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Phil : My gosh. Come here.
Dave : It's all right. I'm... I'm just a little wet.
Phil : No, you're drenched. You can't sit in that. You know what? Take that off. I'll throw 'em both in the dryer and get us a couple of clean ones.
Dave : Okay.
Phil : Yeah.
Dave : Well, I guess this is something we're doing.
Phil : Interception! Interception! Come on, buddy!
Dave : Come on!
Phil : Come on! Come on, buddy! Touchdown!
Dave : Yeah!
Phil : How exciting is this?!
Dave : It's been so long.
Phil : What's happening?
Dave : Nothing. My car keys.
Phil : Shoot. The TV went off. Must have screwed something up. You know what? It doesn't matter. There's another one upstairs. How about we head up to the bedroom for some halftime festivities?
Dave : Okay.
Phil : Let's do this. I'd forgotten how much fun this can be. We should make this a regular thing.
Dave : Phil, Phil, wait. I think I'd better just head home.
Phil : What?
Dave : I'm just coming out of a long-term relationship, and I guess I'm still pretty fragile. It's not that I haven't had a... a great time.
Phil : Not at all. I get it. I've spent a few nights in heartbreak hotel. If there's anything I can do...
Dave : You've already done more than you know.
Phil : Huh?
