Manny : Jay, should I get rid of this? The hat, the jacket, or the cane?
Jay : Actually, yes. Just yes.
Manny : We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism.
Luke : No, the point is for us to raise more money than Miss Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party.
Manny : Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
Luke : Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.
Jay : Ugh. I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
Gloria : Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
Jay : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's, "it's just a local call." "Can I use your bathroom?" "My mother needs to lie down." No, it just stinks.
Manny : He did write a check.
Gloria : Shh! The less he nows, the better.
Luke : You're not even here aymore.
Haley : But it's my stuff. Where's Mom? Luke, take me to Mom. And move slow. I'm still drunk... ing my coffee. Mom!
Claire : What's the problem?
Haley : Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff?
Claire : Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster any more.
Haley : It's signed by him.
Claire : It's time you knew... they come that way.
Haley : But it's "To Haley."
Claire : In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley : Ew! He wrote "My body is a wonderland."
Claire : I didn't catch that till after.
Alex : Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard sale?
Claire : Well, honey, did't you see him last night?
Alex : So? Why don't you like my boyfriend?
Claire : I do like him.
Claire : I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.
Alex : Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then... we made out. A couple times. There was even a little... under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth.
Phil : Heads up! Coming through!
Claire : Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing.
Phil : What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your beef with my streetstrider?
Alex : Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish.
Phil : It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
Luke : I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street.
Claire : Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts.
Phil : My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?
Claire : Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with whom?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Manny : Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a starving child, an abused child. Now have fun!
Cameron : Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution. Six pair of jeans that don't fit me any more because I've lost 25 pounds. That's like... one, two, three children's bowling balls.
Gloria : Mm, bravo! Hey!
Claire : Very nice.
Phil : C-Cam? Are...are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's...
Cameron : Well, what if you, um... Chat if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
Mitchell : No! No. No, what if you... you think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm or Kelly Clarkson-themed? Or...
Cameron : I've already down so much with that motif.
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron : You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge, which, for the record, is not how I lost this weight.
Mitchell : Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. And then when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. It's... it's a nightmare.
Jay : Just put the jeans in the car while he's in the house.
Mitchell : No, Dad! That's incredibly dis... I'm gonna do that. Yeah.
Luke : Whoa! Where you think you're going with those?
Mitchell : Oh, these aren't for sale.
Luke : Hey, this is for charity. You know you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy, giant children.
Mitchell : You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke?
Luke : Oh. Right? Well then how about a donation?
Mitchell : 20 bucks?
Luke : A hundred.
Mitchell : $20?
Luke : Sure. What's it to you if some kid gets sick bathing in poo river, Africa?
Man : How much for the ashtray?
Jay : I don't know. What's the tag say?
Man : 50 cents. But there's a chip in it.
Jay : Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn, next to some old corn on the cob handles.
Man : I'll give you 35.
Jay : You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're haggling over 15 cents?
Man : You live in this place, and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay : Fine. 35.
Man : Can you break a 50?
Jay : Get out.
Gloria : Manny. What is this case doing here?
Manny : I found it in the attic. Why? What is it?
Gloria : Nothing that concerns you. It's from Colombia.
Manny : But I thought you said...
Gloria : You thought nothing. It's going back in the attic, and I want no more questions.
Manny : Why?
Gloria : That's a question.
Manny : Wow. That was weird.
Luke : Too weird.
Manny : I wonder what's in there.
Luke : Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Colombia, "no more questions"? It's obviously a human head.
Manny : Why is that always your first guess?
Luke : One of these days, I'm gonna be right.
Phil : No way! You're selling the Harley?
Jay : No, I'm just trying to move it out of the way. Some asshat offered me 100 bucks for it. But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna sell it.
Phil : Oh, she's a beaut.
Jay : What, you wouldn't be interested in it, would you?
Phil : Why wouldn't I be?
Jay : Well, I just never thought of you as a motorcycle kinda guy.
Phil : I would be if Claire would ever let me have one.
Claire : You can have a motorcycle if you want.
Phil : Ah, ha, ha. Can I also have an affair with my super hot receptionist?
Claire : What super hot receptionist?
Phil : Don't change the subject! Now what would everybody like for lunch?
Claire : You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it.
Phil : Seriously?
Claire : Yeah. Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world, but it is sexy.
Gloria : Yes. I lot more sexy than that crazy machine you rode up on. Is that something that your doctor make you use?
Jay : All right, I'm gonna take this around back, unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.
Phil : Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. Precious cargo.
Jay : I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
Phil : I'm driving? Awesome!
Phil : I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things to show the world you're still a man. Same reason I got that henna tattoo. Japanese symbol for "courage."
Cameron : Yeah.
Alex : Oh, Michael's here! Hi, Michael!
Cameron : Well, well, well. What is this all about? Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?
Claire : Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell : Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire : Uh, it's Alex's new "boyfriend" Michael.
Mitchell : What's up with the air quotes?
Cameron : She thinks he's gay.
Claire : I "think" he's gay she same way I "think" that lamp is hideous.
Cameron : Okay, brought it, made it in art class.
Claire : Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just... I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
Cameron : I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
Claire : Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
Mitchell : By all means, look right at me when you say that.
Claire : If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.
Mitchell : Aw. You're a "good mother."
Cameron : Mm-hmm. I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about traditional masculinity any more. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings.
Mitchell : Yeah, they care about their clothes.
Cameron : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : They... they... they groom.
Cameron : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't tell anything any more.
Cameron : Mmh-mnh.
Claire : Really?
Alex : Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.
Mitchell : Hi.
Cameron : Hello.
Michael : Hi!
Alex : Okay, come on.
Cameron : Yep, he's gay.
Michell : We stand corrected.
Phil : Okay.
Jay : Now be careful. I don't want you to crash. I don't want the bike all scratched up.
Claire : And don't be nervous. People make mistakes when they're nervous.
Phil : I'm not nervous. I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs.
Jay : He really oughta run things through his head first.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : I know I looked super cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was terrified. And then I remembered that Fonzie once put together a whole motorcycle while blind. And I thought, that was a great show, and I got really distracted and... and I forgot I was scared. So I headed up the canyon and I left the city behind. I'd never felt so exhilarated. I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere on that lonely road... The bike and I became one.
Phil : Ohh. Oh, no. No. Oh, you're heavy! No! Ohh!
Luke : Lock the door. Okay, let's do this.
Manny : No matter what we find in here, I will always love my mother.
Luke : Even if it's a head?
Manny : It's not a head. Oh, my God! It's a head!
Luke : Finally!
Cameron : Mitchell! I was just in the car, and I found my fat pants in there. Do you know anything about that?
Mitchell : What? No! No. Did you forget to put 'em out?
Cameron : No. Remember? I posed, people clapped... I had my moment.
Mitchell : I do remember that. That... Oh, that was a great moment. I am so proud of you.
Cameron : What's going on? You're being weird.
Mitchell : What? First, I'm a pants thief and... and now I can't pay you a compliment? You know who's being weird? You. Here comes Claire! Hey, girl!
Claire : I don't know what that was. Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael sittin' in a tree. Don't make me spell this out for you.
Mitchell : Well, what can you do?
Claire : I can't do anything, but you two could talk to her.
Mitchell : And tell her what?
Claire : Michael's playing for the pink team.
Cameron : Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.
Claire : I know, because you have credibility, and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... I am a mother.
Mitchell : Okay, we're not doing this.
Cameron : No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. You know, when I was... young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell : Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron : Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?
Claire : Can we get back to my problem?
Mitchell : You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. They're gonna work it out.
Claire : Can you talk to her?
Cameron : Not when she's like this. Oh, you mean Alex. Yeah. I'll do it.
Claire : Thank you.
Phil : Claire, kids, if you're seeing this, then they found my body. Or I finally got a signal and I sent it to you in an e-mail. Although in that case, I'd just call. But sometimes you can actually get a pretty decent data signal and no voice. I know I'm not making any sense. I've been trapped out here now for... 27 minutes. I'm such an idiot. Why did I bring this stupid motorcycle out here? To prove I'm a man? I am a man.
Manny : Mom.
Gloria : Manny, what is this doing here?
Luke : If you don't mind, we'll be asking the questions now.
Gloria : I do mind.
Luke : I apologize.
Manny : We couldn't help ourselves. But I've gotta know. Why were you hiding this?
Michael : Love this! Sold!
Luke : What's the story here?
Gloria : I don't want to talk about it!
Cameron : Aw! Cute!
Mitchell : Oh, where'd that come from?
Manny : It's my mom's. She's being very cagey.
Luke : We think something's stashed in the head. It's from Colombia.
Manny : Mom, what's the big deal?
Gloria : Okay, fine. When I was young, I was in a beauty pageant. All the other girls, for their talent, were juggling knives, as they always do. But I wanted to stand out, so I came up with... Uncle Grumpy.
Cameron : Okay. Never been so happy. Not leaving till I see it. Hit it, Gloria.
Woman : Excuse me, how much is this vase?
Claire : It's yours. Take it. So what do you need here? A stool? Glass of water? How do we make this happen? Let's go. I need to see this.
Gloria : You see nothing. That pageant was one of the worst nights of my life. After weeks of rehearsing, I froze, and we were speechless.
Mitchell : Aw, and you lost.
Gloria : No. I won. Imagine this when I was 18. But it was very humiliating. I don't want to do it ever again.
Michael : And yet, you kept him all these years. Maybe there's a part of you that wants to work through this, get some closure.
Gloria : You're wrong, whoever you are.
Phil : It's going on 31 minutes. I feel so alone. I gotta get my leg free. Why didn't I wear my shants?!
Alex : Hey, guys. Check it out. You like my new bracelet?
Cameron : Ooh, cute.
Alex : It's an old curtain ring Michael saw over there. He braided three leather shoelaces around it and voila.
Cameron : You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend Annabelle Pickett.
Claire : Huh? You had a girlfriend?
Cameron : Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too. So one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip sync contest with me, and we did our version of "Endless Love"... which was ironic because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket taker named Woody Ray. Oh, no. Of course, she was devastated, just destroyed her. And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable on my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again.
Claire : Wow, and all because she wanted you to be something you just weren't.
Cameron : Mm-hmm.
Claire : Yeah.
Alex : Ugh. Stop. I get it. I know what you think about Michael, Mom. You didn't have to bring in your big gay guns to back you up. No offense.
Mitchell : None taken.
Cameron : I kinda like it.
Claire : Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt.
Mitchell : I told them that this was a bad idea, all right? You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's not. He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information so that--that you can go slow.
Alex : Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. We kissed.
Mitchell : Oh, honey, I... I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to be straight. And your Uncle Cam kissed some, too, he says. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that you make your own... where... wait, where are you going?
Alex : It's not the olden days any more, you guys. I can just ask him.
Mitchell : Hope you're happy.
Cameron : I'm not. That "olden days" comment was like a punch to the gut. She may as well have spray-painted it on my daddy's barn.
Mitchell : Yeah, I'm done with this.
Cameron : Where's he going?
Man : Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay : Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Man : Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay : Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Man : I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay : You return, I call the police. Where'd you get that?
Man : From the kitchen.
Jay : Give me that!
Man : You selling the pot-bellied pig?
Jay : Get out of my driveway. You're not a pig. You're Daddy's little girl.
Alex : There you are.
Michael : Hey. Sorry. I got lost in this "Elle Decor." Justin Timberlake is designing his own home line, and I'm trying to reserve judgment.
Alex : Michael I have to ask you something. I want you to know it's okay either way, but... Are you gay?
Michael : What? No! I'm not! I-I took you to prom. I kissed you. Unless you're a boy, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. Are... are you a boy?
Alex : No.
Michael : Right. So then I'm straight.
Alex : I didn't mean to make you mad.
Michael : I'm not mad. I'm just... Angry.
Alex : I'm sorry. And those are synonyms.
Michael : You just know everything today. Can you just give me a minute?
Jay : Hey. Can I help you?
Michael : Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay?
Jay : God, I hate yard sales.
Gloria : Thank you.
Luke : Sorry for snooping around and finding your old man doll.
Gloria : In Colombia, if you snoop around the wrong box, you might end up inside that box.
Luke : I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad for Manny.
Gloria : What do you mean?
Luke : Well, I don't know. He's always talking about how brave you are, how you're not afraid of anything. Now... he just seems a little sad.
Gloria : How sad?
Luke : Don't worry. It's a good thing. He needs a little dose of reality. You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all the time, you find yourself on the business end of a wedgie.
Luke : I know how to push buttons to get what I want, and what I want is to see a puppet show.
Cameron : J'accuse!
Mitchell : I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron : It's just a dramatic way of accusing you... of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell : That's a second way.
Cameron : How... could... you?
Mitchell : And a third.
Cameron : Why, Mitchell? Why?
Mitchell : Cam... oh, come on. All right, the... This is a little hard to say, but... Every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all over again, and you get depressed, all right? This is just a way to have a safety net.
Cameron : I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep the weight off. Have you ever thought of that?
Mitchell : No. No, I didn't.
Cameron : You know, you're not the only one who remembers all the times I failed.
Mitchell : You're right. I-I should support you more. I'm... I'm sorry.
Cameron : I'm happy to hear you say that.
Mitchell : Well, I'm happy you're happy.
Alex : Well, I hope you both are happy. Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.
Mitchell : You see? This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved.
Cameron : Now I feel terrible. These feelings would go good with pie.
Claire : There he is! Sweetheart, do you love it?
Phil : No, Claire, I do not love it.
Claire : Oh, that's too bad 'cause you look so cool on that.
Phil : Do I, Claire? Do I really?
Claire : What happened?
Phil : It's a long story. Check your in-box. But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Phil : I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. I'm a strider. I hope that's sexy enough for you.
Claire : Well, I can see stuff.
Phil : Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. Mm. It's not like I have another pair of pants.
Mitchell : Oh, uh, today is your lucky day. It's for a good cause.
Phil : Aw.
Cameron : You might need a belt.
Phil : Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size.
Cameron : Don't do that.
Phil : Copy.
Mitchell : Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Claire : I don't know. She looks okay.
Cameron : Oh, looks like they made up.
Claire : Hmm. If she would just listen to me, I could have avoid her so much pain.
Mitchell : Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
Claire : Mm, you're right.
Cameron : Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arragement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous... Till she pulled it apart and spelled "homo" on my porch.
Claire : This doesn't make me feel any better.
Gloria : Gather around everybody. I want you to meet somebody.
Claire : Oh, but that might.
Manny : Uncle Grumpy.
Gloria : Luke's wise words got to me. I needed my son to respect me again. More than that, I needed to respect myself.
Gloria : Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No. She gave me the termites.
Jay : Gloria, I'm just gonna... Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here.
Gloria : You're leaving?
Jay : Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Claire : Oh, my God. She married her puppet.
Cameron : Uncle Grumpy!
Phil : Can anyone hear me?! Please help me! I don't wanna die! If I had to make a playlist for being trapped under a motorcycle, it'd be, um... "Stuck In The Middle," "Hit The Road Jack," um, anything by Heavy D. Ooh, Pointer Sisters, "Neutron Dance." Turns out today wasn't the first day of the rest of my life. Oh, my goodness. There's some DVDs in a shoe box in, uh, my closet that I was holding for... a buddy. Um, you can go ahead and just throw the whole box away. I'm so hungry. I don't know how long I'm gonna be out here. I gotta ration my food. I said no tomatoes!
