Alex : What's with all the yogurt?
Luke : Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker. But I've got a little revenge planned.
Alex : Sorry. I just remembered I don't really care.
Haley : Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
Alex : Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?
Claire : Is there anything else you need for your procedure?
Phil : Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Claire : Hmm. Actually, I don't...
Phil : I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy?
Claire : You can have ice cream.
Phil : Thanks.
Claire : Today...
Phil : Snip-a-dee-doo-dah! We-we've been talking about doing this for a while.
Claire : Yeah. Yeah, ever since dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.
Phil : Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.
Claire : More importantly, it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.
Phil : Oh, the 5-year plan. Talk about the... the Rosses.
Claire : The Rosses... Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and... they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little...
Phil : Jealous of them.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel...
Claire : They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
Phil : I would have said eight years younger. There's just this spark in her that... Well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.
Claire : Wow. It's like you don't... hear...
Phil : The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.
Claire : Or somewhere.
Phil : It will actually be a pleasure walking into that doctor's office today...
Haley : There you are. Mom...
Claire : Hang on a second. What is this? Uh... is this because of your new friend Skylar?
Haley : Oh, she's just trying to change her image. Nice work, by the way. You went from dork to Count Dorkula. Can we talk about my clothes? You were supposed to send them!
Claire : I'll be with you in a second. Hang on. I don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.
Haley : Oh, of course she does. She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Alex : Don't you have a class to fail?
Haley : Don't you have a raven to train? Listen, I have repeated outfits twice this week. It's a disaster.
Claire : And I will deal with it tomorrow, but today I'm taking your father to the doctor.
Luke : He's having an ass-ectomy.
Phil : What?
Luke : I hear things.
Haley : You're getting your tonsils out?
Alex : Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.
Luke : Oh, shut up! I'm tired of you thinking you're so...
Alex : Did dad ever tell you you were adopted?
Luke : No, I wasn't!
Phil : Five more years.
Claire : Okay.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Okay, so after school, you're going to your friend Ashley's to swim, so I'm gonna need you to go get your swimsuit, your swim goggles, and your sunscreen, okay? And change into a dress that's not covered in cat fur.
Mitchell : Oh, that cat is really losing its hair. Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh?
Cameron : What Propecia?
Mitchell : Your Pro... Is that not something that we're... So, uh, what you got going on today?
Cameron : Ohh. Busy, busy, busy, busy. I might buy some light bulbs, and then, if time permits, I might do a little work on my master project. Top secret.
Mitchell : Okay.
Cameron : So don't you dare ask what it is.
Mitchell : I won't.
Mitchell : Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.
Cameron : We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer. No, thank you very much, and please remember my tone, not my words. She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby. It's inhuman!
Mitchell : Is it? Don't... I-I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.
Cameron : Excuse me?
Mitchell : Get a job! No, it... it'll help you take your mind off the baby.
Cameron : Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader?
Mitchell : Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly.
Cameron : No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy, just like on the farm... first to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teet-sucking layabout I am?
Mitchell : Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.
Cameron : What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.
Mitchell : What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase?
Dr. Barksdale : That's a healthy baby.
Jay : Hold on.
Gloria : What?
Jay : Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"?
Gloria : I never saw it.
Dr. Barksdale : I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Jay : Ah, forget it.
Dr. Barksdale : So, would you like to know if you're having a boy or a girl?
Jay : Yes.
Gloria : No. Ay. I want it to be a surprise, don't you, Jay?
Jay : I'm having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of cracker Jacks.
Gloria : Estupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
Jay : Might be time for maternity wear.
Gloria : Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Jay : Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria : And I never heard you complain.
Jay : We're gonna need a bigger belt.
Mitchell : Come on. This is hard. Hey, Cam.
Cameron : Who's hungry?
Mitchell : Ohh! Were you thinking about dropping by for lunch... Again? You know, I-I really wish I could, but it's, uh, it's a zoo around here. Um... but, hey, Cam... Cam, would you mind, uh, stopping by Longinus' boutique and picking up a few shirts for me?
Cameron : Sure.
Mitchell : Thank you.
Cameron : Or we can do it together.
Mitchell : Hey!
Cameron : Hey!
Mitchell : Hi.
Cameron : Hi.
Mitchell : How are you?
Cameron : Good.
Mitchell : Okay. Um... that's... that's good. Okay. Yeah.
Haley : You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Claire : Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Haley : Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
Claire : It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.
Haley : Oh, my God, I hate you so much!
Claire : Oh, sorry, that's your father. Gotta go!
Phil : Claire, where are you?
Claire : Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Phil : Nailed it.
Claire : Yes! And Luke forgot his science project, so now I'm at the school dropping it off.
Phil : Um, but what about my appointment?
Claire : I'm so sorry, honey. I made other arrangements, but I promise I will be there when you wake up.
Phil : Arrangements? What... um... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What... what arrangements? I, um... I kinda wanted you to take me.
Jay : Let's go! Chop, chop!
Phil : Seriously? "Chop, chop"?
Jay : Oh, right.
Claire : Ohh! What? What is this?
Luke : Mom?
Claire : Luke!
Luke : What are you doing?!
Claire : I was dropping off your science project.
Luke : Not to my locker! When are you ever gonna stop embarrassing me?
Claire : Five more years. Five more years.
Cameron : Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Mitchell : If you're gonna go any higher, maybe I should put this down, huh?
Longinus : So? What do you think?
Cameron : Finally, a store that sells shirts men actually wanna wear.
Longinus : Thank you. Look, holla if you need me. We're a little shorthanded today.
Mitchell : What happened to J'Marcus?
Longinus : Don't ask. She's a j'mess. I'm telling you, it is so hard to find someone who knows clothes and is good with people.
Mitchell : Well, I wish I knew somebody.
Longinus : Oh, my God. Wait a second. Cam? You wouldn't think about taking the job, would you? Do you realize how perfect you'd be?
Cameron : Well, yes. Um, but I-I...
Longinus : You'd only work part-time. You'll get employee discounts on the clothes. Stop me if I'm wasting my breath.
Cameron : Well, I don't know. What do you think, Mitchell?
Mitchell : Well, I-I would miss having you around the house, but, you know, if... if it's something that you love...
Cameron : Mulling.
Mitchell : You know what? It was nice of you to offer, but he should probably think about it.
Cameron : I'll do it!
Mitchell : Really?
Cameron : Yep. Just until he can find somebody to replace me, and good luck with that. Oh, and I don't fold.
Jeoux : Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.
Longinus : Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.
Mitchell : Hi. Oh, just "Joe"?
Jeoux : Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x.
Mitchell : There it is.
Jeoux : Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job? I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? Did your boyfriend take the job?
Mitchell : Oh, my God! That looks so good on you, Cam!
Cameron : Don't even. It is everything I can do to not create a scene right now. You will pay for this. Mnh. And this. And this.
Gloria : Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
Manny : "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
Gloria : Did something bad happen at school?
Manny : They fired the music teacher.
Gloria : Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
Manny : That you say perfectly.
Gloria : Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
Manny : What about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!"
Gloria : Is it not all over.
Manny : "Oliver!"
Gloria : Manny... You are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.
Manny : But what if I can't? I don't want to spend my last year of middle school in the chorus.
Gloria : Maybe I can help. Maybe when they pick the new music teacher, I'll go and I'll flirt a little bit with him.
Manny : Hey, mom, since we're just talking here, about your shirt.
Gloria : Uh... what about my shirt?
Manny : Nothing. I just noticed you got some, uh, some pizza... on the ice cream on it.
Gloria : Ah, a little piece of... mm.
Jay : It's natural to want to know the sex. And there's practical matters... how you paint the nursery. Gloria should... Phil, would you please knock that off?
Phil : What?
Jay : What's the matter? Are you nervous?
Phil : I'm not nervous. May-maybe you're the one who's nervous. You ever think about that? Okay. "Nervous."
Jay : Okay. Okay. Because if you've had a change of heart...
Phil : I haven't had a change of heart. Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm totally pumped. Pump, pump, pumped. Pump up the jam in my pumped-up... kicks. Pumpty-dumpty. Pumplestiltskin.
Jay : Because they do this kind of thing all the time, and in about an hour, you're gonna be wanting to ride a horse.
Receptionist : Mr. Dunphy, can you please come to the desk?
Jay : What's the plan, Phil?
Phil : Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit... I'm gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty.
Receptionist : Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
Jay : I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
Receptionist : Not unless you want the vasectomy.
Jay : Where were you six months ago?
Receptionist : Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.
Jay : Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?
Patient : He just ran ou...
Jay : You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.
Alex : Okay, wait, wait. I'm not sure about this.
Skylar : Don't be a baby. It's gonna look cool. Just hold still.
Alex : Ohh! Mom, what are you doing here?
Claire : I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you at school?
Skylar : Mrs. Dunphy, we just...
Claire : Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.
Alex : Okay, we cut last period... big deal... because we're shaving the backs of our necks, which is totally a style. But of course now you're going to freak out like you always do about every little thing.
Claire : Let's do it.
Alex : What?
Claire : Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads. Come on. Who's first?
Alex : Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we... we don't need you to do that.
Claire : Are you afraid?
Alex : I'm not afraid!
Claire : Then let's do this. It's shaving time. Shavy gravy. Shaved by the bell.
Alex : Why are you talking like dad?
Claire : Hair up, girls! Let's see some napes. Come on. Let's... oh, God. No!
Alex : Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Claire : What did you do?!
Skylar : What did you do? I have my sister's wedding on Saturday!
Claire : I'm so sorry.
Alex : Uh, Skylar, wait!
Claire : I could... I could... I could even that up for you.
Skylar : Stay away from me, both of you!
Alex : Uhh! You ruined my life! Skylar!
Mitchell : Cam. Cameron! Ohh! You're gonna have to talk to me at some point!
Cameron : Oh, well, let me put that on my list of things to do, right after "get a job."
Mitchell : Would you stop running away?
Cameron : Nope.
Mitchell : C-Cam! Come on! You know, I can barely catch up with you now that you lost all that weight.
Cameron : You know what? I am sleeping better, and I do have more energy... Oh, you know what? You're good. You're very good.
Mitchell : Cam, the only reason I tried to get you that job is because you've been seeming a little... unfulfilled.
Cameron : Oh, what, and you thought you'd fix me by turning me into some common shopgirl?
Mitchell : You're not going anywhere. We have a daughter.
Cameron : It's not for me. It's for you.
Mitchell : Cam, I'm not go... Okay, well, that's packed.
Cameron : Yeah, and if you're going someplace cool, I have a winter one packed as well.
Mitchell : No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things.
Cameron : Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
Mitchell : Same as shopping for food.
Cameron : And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
Mitchell : Because you told me not to ask!
Cameron : Fine, since you won't let it go... Does this... look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
Mitchell : A mermaid costume?
Cameron : Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
Mitchell : It looks a little small for Lily.
Cameron : It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the cat. My master project. It's a mermaid costume... for a cat!
Mitchell : Okay. Hey, don't cry, okay? No, no, it's... it's nice. It's... it's a very nice cat costume.
Cameron : Oh, stop it! This is eight weeks of my life! My... my stupid, empty, creepy, useless cat-dressing life.
Mitchell : Let me get you a tissue, all right?
Cameron : Here.
Mitchell : Okay. Oh! You packed me tissues.
Cameron : I know how you are with your allergies.
Mitchell : Cam! You know I don't think you're lazy.
Cameron : I know. That's just stupid dad stuff. You know, I didn't like working on the farm, and he just took it as me being lazy. The truth is, is I am unfulfilled. And I do need to find something.
Mitchell : Well, you just... you seem happier when you have a challenge. You know?
Cameron : I know, I know. You know, I loved teaching music to kids, and then... then Lily, she came along, and... That's the best job in the whole wide world. You know? And now she doesn't need me as much.
Mitchell : No, come on, come on. We're gonna find you something else, all right?
Cameron : Yeah.
Mitchell : And it doesn't have to be Longinus. Or this.
Cameron : Yeah. We'll just... you know, I do like these shirts.
Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron : Mulling. Okay. You know, if I'm gonna mull, I could really use some chocolate.
Mitchell : Well, since your diet, we don't keep it around the house.
Cameron : Side pocket.
Mitchell : Yeah? Oh.
Cameron : Remind me to replace these.
Mitchell : Okay.
Phil : Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing?
Jay : Phil, you gotta stop running from things because...
Phil : Running? I'm not running. You're running.
Jay : Look, I'm not up for another round with this. Just get in the damn car! I'm not having a great day!
Phil : You're not having a great day?! Are you about to get spayed like a common schnauzer?!
Jay : They don't spay you, they fix you. You're a man!
Phil : I just want to stay one!
Jay : Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
Phil : No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
Jay : That's what this is about?
Phil : Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
Jay : Look, no one's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.
Phil : I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.
Jay : I'm gonna be with you the entire way. Plus it's the fear of pain that's always more than the actual experience.
Phil : That's easy for you to say. You're not afraid of anything.
Jay : Of course I'm afraid of stuff.
Phil : Like what?
Jay : Look... You remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the sex of the baby for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.
Phil : Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.
Jay : No. I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls... they're... they're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.
Phil : Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.
Jay : Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.
Phil : Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed me down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.
Jay : So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle... any other little girl?
Phil : I think I'd put it a-a little differently.
Jay : No, I-I-I think that's right. Thanks. We gonna do this?
Phil : Promise it's not gonna hurt that much?
Jay : Tiny, little pinch.
Phil : I built it up in my head, didn't I?
Jay : Totally.
Phil : And I can still achieve a-a full and satisfying...
Jay : You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
Phil : Okay.
Jay : All right? So sit up straight. There you go. No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down.
Phil : All right.
Jay : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
Phil : Can I get a copy?
Jay : Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.
Phil : Oh, great.
Manny : You were kind of hard on that cinnamon bun guy.
Gloria : Did you hear what he said to me?
Manny : "Congratulations"?
Gloria : He thinks I'm pregnant! That is an insult when the person doesn't look it.
Manny : Mom, wait. You need to hear this. You are pregnant, and you look it.
Gloria : I hope that this new one has some good manners!
Manny : Mom, stop! I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant, you kinda did it alone 'cause dad wasn't around much. But this time you have two partners.
Gloria : That's sweet. And so are you. Especially with a little bit of sugar in your face. Let me see. Ohh! What happened?!
Manny : Your shirt couldn't take it anymore!
Gloria : The stupid dry cleaners! W... where is it?! Ay, no!
Manny : Oh! You're running out of arms, mom! A maternity store's right over there! What was that?
Gloria : I don't know, but let's go!
Phil : It's you. I thought it was the guy coming to shave me.
Claire : Oh, good. They haven't started.
Phil : He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting. Are you okay?
Claire : Mm-hmm. Yeah. I had a pretty crazy day, but it... it had an interesting ending.
Chrissy : And this tortoise was 200 years old. I'm sorry. I'm boring you with my trip.
Claire : No, not at all. You hot-air-ballooned over an active volcano. Three weeks ago I made every green light on Jefferson. Couldn't stop talking about it.
Chrissy : You e-mailed me.
Claire : Oh, God.
Haley : Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's hilarious!
Alex : It's not gonna be so fun the next time she bothers to show up for school.
Haley : What do you care? You know you don't even like her.
Alex : I don't. Skylar's awful. Mom actually did me a huge favor.
Haley : Oh, my God. Do not tell her that. She will never shut up.
Alex : I know. Remember when you admitted that you didn't hate that James Taylor concert she dragged you to?
Haley : She was unbearable! "I told you! He's got the voice of an angel!"
Alex : "He's got the voice of an angel!"
Haley : She's such a nerd. I kind of miss her, though.
Claire : You know, honey, I don't want to do this unless you are really ready.
Phil : I am ready.
Claire : I don't know if I am.
Phil : Me, either. You wanna wait?
Claire : Five more years?
Jay : I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through. So you can either go kicking and screaming... Or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.
Phil : Honey, look what Manny just sent me.
Claire : Hang on one sec. Okay.
Phil : Is that the funniest thing ever?
Claire : Oh, yeah!
Cameron : Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us.
Mitchell : Okay, wait. One... one second.
Cameron : Okay. Is that hilarious?
Mitchell : That's great!
Cameron : Oh, Phil!
Gloria : Ay, this is embarrassing.
Jay : I don't know how comfortable I am with this guy teaching our kid.
