Luke : Please, please, please, please.
Alex : Okay, what is this?
Luke : We're making sure I'm tall enough to ride all the rides at Disneyland without having to spike up my hair.
Phil : Buddy... we are good to go.
Luke : Sweet!
Phil : I have been waiting for this day ever since the doctor pointed to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and said, "either that's a fifth limb, or you got a boy."
Haley : Okay, no. Gross.
Claire : All right... I want everybody to eat a lot at home because "the happiest place on earth" is also home to the most expensive churro on Earth.
Phil : Come on. This is gonna be awesome. Who doesn't love a day at Disneyland?
Manny : Can't you and mom go without me?
Jay : You're the kid. I think we need you to get in.
Manny : Well, it couldn't come on a worst day. The technology sector is tanking.
Manny : We're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. We all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, I'm in the lead. I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest, which is good because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Jay : Do you really wants girls who only want you for your money?
Manny : I'd like to have that option.
Gloria : Manny, put the stock away and put your ears on.
Manny : Mom, I don't think you have to wear one of these.
Gloria : Be a kid! Put them on!
Jay : Really? Those shoes?
Gloria : What?
Jay : Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?
Gloria : I like wearing the high heels. I'm fine.
Jay : It's just like that jacket you refuse to bring when I say, "take a jacket." "Don't tell me what to do! I'm fine!" Huh? And you're not fine. You're cold and shivering, and I look like the jerk who won't give his wife a jacket, so I do, and then I'm cold and shivering, and I brought a jacket.
Gloria : Are you done with your boring jacket story? Because we're going to hit traffic.
Jay : Tell you one thing. I'm not gonna give you my shoes.
Claire : Ah! That must be Ethan.
Haley : Who's Ethan?
Claire : Didn't I tell you? My friend Bethenny's nephew is coming with us today. He moved to town to go to college. He's very nice, very smart, big hockey player.
Haley : I know what you're doing.
Alex : Really? She was so subtle.
Claire : Haley has a thing for bad boys, which was so me.
Phil : Clearly.
Claire : So if she's going to be leaving the nest soon, we'd prefer it was not on the back of a motorcycle.
Phil : My college roommate had a motorcycle. Man, I had some good times on the back of that thing.
Haley : I can't believe you did this. I'm not gonna babysit Bethenny's nephew. Alex can have him.
Alex : Okay, I don't need your rejects.
Claire : Hi. Hi, Ethan! I'm so glad you could make it.
Ethan : Thanks for inviting me.
Claire : Sure.
Alex : Hi. I'm Al...
Haley : My 14-year-old sister. Ethan, was it?
Ethan : Yeah.
[OPENING CREDTIS]
Haley : And that's my grandpa and his wife Gloria and her son Manny.
Ethan : Wow. You guys have a big family.
Haley : Big family.
Claire : She likes him!
Cameron : Yeah, who wouldn't? Where'd you find him, a Tommy Hilfiger catalog?
Claire : He got a 2200 on his S.A.T.s. And those eyes...
Mitchell : Okay, did you get him for Haley or for you?
Claire : Mitchell.
Mitchell : You know, I haven't been here since dad brought us when we were kids.
Claire : Ohh, yeah. Remember? You cried in the Abraham Lincoln thing.
Jay : Hey, he's a great president, and it was the first robot I ever saw.
Jay : When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, Dede and I got in this huge fight over something or other... surprise, surprise... and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.
Phil : Okay, people over 46 inches, first stop... Indiana Jones!
Luke : Have fun on the teacups, Lily.
Jay : Okay, let's do this.
Cameron : Oh, okay, wait just a second here, everybody. All right.
Gloria : Is that a leash?
Cameron : No, it's a child safety tether. This way, sweetie.
Mitchell : It... it's a leash. Don't... don't judge us.
Cameron : Go on.
Cameron : We have a runner.
Mitchell : Lily is going through a phase-- at least... Oh, we hope it's a phase.
Cameron : She bolts every chance she gets.
Cameron : Lily! Lily! Lily!
Cameron : So we had no choice to put her on a child safety tether.
Mitchell : It's a leash. And we did have a choice.
Cameron : Lily, sweetie, don't pull.
Jay : Lily, heel!
Mitchell : Dad.
Jay : If I'd had known you guys were gonna do this, I'd have brought Stella.
Mitchell : It was Cam's idea.
Cameron : So much for the united front. I'll have you know, despite all your jokes, Lily enjoys it. Okay, sweetie, you're not helping. You're not helping.
Alex : Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You guys, is that Dylan?
Haley : What?
Claire : Oh, jeez.
Haley : Dylan?!
Dylan : Oh. Hey!
Haley : Uh, what are you... I didn't even know you were in town.
Dylan : Either did I... Know you were in town. This town. Anaheim.
Haley : I thought you were still in Wyoming.
Dylan : I was, uh... But, um... Oh, shoot. You know, I, uh, gotta meet up with some friends and I'm... really late. It was nice to see you, Haley, and everybody.
Mitchell : Hi.
Dylan : And dude I don't know.
Ethan : I'm Ethan. It's nice to meet you.
Dylan : And polite dude I don't know.
Ethan : Did Haley used to date that guy or something?
Alex : Yep. You date her, that's the club you're joining.
Haley : Of course he would still look amazing.
Claire : Does he? I hadn't noticed. Did you know that Ethan plays the trumpet? No great surprise with those lips of his, huh?
Mitchell : Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.
Phil : Okay, buddy, moment of truth.
Luke : Yes!
Phil : This is gonna be so awesome!
Luke : Yeah!
Phil : In 45 minutes, this is gonna be so awesome!
Luke : Yeah!
Manny : Look, Reuben, I have some underperformers I have to unload, and I don't have access to a computer. Log in as moneydelgado...
Gloria : Manny!
Manny : By all means, Reuben, go get a popsicle while the Nikkei closes. I wanna be a pauper. Mom, my stocks just took a dive.
Gloria : Your phone is about to take a dive.
Jay : Come on! Where do we want to go next?
Alex : Oh! Ethan and I want to try the haunted mansion.
Claire : There is no you and Ethan.
Gloria : Let's go to the jungle cruise. It's right there.
Jay : Why? Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria : No. You tired of being with a hot wife?
Cameron : Well, well, well. What do you know? Another caring parent with a child safety tether. See? We're not the only people who use them. Hi! Aren't they adorable?
Woman : Oh, and look at your cutie!
Cameron : Oh, well, yes. She just wanted to say hi.
Woman : Oh. Sorry. They're a little feisty today.
Cameron : Oh! No problem. She's friendly.
Woman : Rex, gentle.
Mitchell : Oh, his... his name's Rex, huh?
Woman : Yeah.
Cameron : Oh, okay. Lily, no, sweetie. Lily, um...
Woman : Oh. Sorry. He... he just gets excited.
Cameron : Oh, yeah, no... oh, no problem. Lily, stop moving, sweetie. Stop moving.
Mitchell : Okay, you got this.
Cameron : Okay. Okay. Good girl! Good girl! Sorry.
Jay : You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas." Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a video cassette flying at my head.
Ethan : You do not play the cello.
Alex : I do. Even geekier... I'm good.
Ethan : Okay, answer me this...
Alex : I will answer you this.
Ethan : Why do people carry cellos around? You know, people aren't expected to lug a piano around. What's the cutoff?
Alex : I know, right? Like, go where the cello is.
Claire : Oh, look at this. I think I've inadvertently set up my 14-year-old with a college boy.
Jay : The boy was your doing?
Claire : Yes. Yes, and he was perfect, and Haley was into him until, of course, we ran into Dylan. I mean, come on, dad. What are the odds of that happening?
Jay : It's a small world.
Claire : Yes, it is.
Jay : You see what I did there?
Claire : I did.
Jay : 'Cause it's a ride.
Claire : I got it. Got it, dad. I got it. It's so frustrating because... I know I can't run Haley's like for her, but if she would let me, I would be so good at it.
Jay : Right, 'cause parents always know what's best for their kids. You remember that nice girl at the office I tried to fix Mitch up with?
Claire : No offense, dad, but I think I probably have a better sense of what my kids need than you did.
Jay : I think it's cute you think that.
Luke : Mom! It was so awesome! The jeep was jerking around... And... and there was a lot of sharp turns and big drops.
Claire : Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Phil : It just kept going.
Claire : Wow. You okay?
Phil : Great. Why wouldn't I be?
Claire : Because you're kinda leaning on me.
Phil : Well, isn't that what a marriage is?
Claire : Ohh. Oh, Alex, stop touching him.
Jay : Oh. You look like hell.
Phil : I'm feeling a little dizzy. I think that ride did something to me.
Jay : The fluid in your inner ear is thickening. That's what happens when you get old.
Phil : It is?
Jay : Yeah, you can't take the motion. I gotta pop a dramamine to get in my swivel chair.
Phil : That is not it. I'm king of the roller coasters. I think I just put too big of a whipped cream smile on my pancake this morning.
Luke : You guys wanna go on Matterhorn?
Jay : Luke, I think me and your dad are gonna sit this one out, maybe get one them big pickles.
Phil : No! You're gonna have to eat that pickle on your own, Jay. I still got a few good years left. Luke, wait up! I'll race you there! I'm good. I'm good.
Mitchell : Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at whole foods.
Cameron : Yeah, well, maybe they're staring because we have what they want.
Mitchell : Whoa! Oh, a pet daughter. 'Cause that...
Cameron : You know, I don't care what people think. If I thought it would keep my daughter safe, I would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my midriff.
Mitchell : That's gonna work out really well for you as a single parent. Okay, we just got a glare from Mr. Socks-with-sandals. All right, that's it. Lily, I'm gonna take off this leash.
Cameron : I think it's a mistake.
Mitchell : But I don't want you to run away, 'cause that would be very, very unsafe, and if we lost you, you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad. Okay?
Lily : Okay.
Mitchell : All right. See, Cam? You treat her like a human being and she acts like one.
Lily : Chip 'n Dale!
Cameron : Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels. Lily!
Mitchell : Honey, come on!
Cameron : Lily! Lily!
Jay : Hey! How was Splash Mountain?
Gloria : It was great! Maybe we go again.
Manny : No, thanks. There was no reception in there. You know how many bars I had? Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah. Reuben, talk to me!
Jay : Must be nice to get out of those shoes for a minute.
Gloria : I don't know what you talking about.
Jay : Nothing. I'm just making conversation. Hey. Check it out. I bought one of those souvenir photos with you and Manny on the ride. Boy, it looks like you're having a good time. Wait a minute. What's that in your hand? Are those shoes?
Gloria : I'm not even sure that that is us, Jay.
Jay : Why are you walking around in pain? Just admit the shoes were a bad idea.
Gloria : I am not in pain. I just didn't want my favorite walking shoes to get wet there.
Jay : Okay, my bad. Well, we've gotta meet everybody in Tomorrowland, so we'd better get movin' 'cause it's all the way on the other side of the park.
Gloria : I'm fine. You just try to keep up with us.
Jay : I can't take this.
Luke : Dad, throw your hands up! It's fun!
Phil : Oh, yeah, it is fun!
Manny : Reuben, if you heard about that stock at a birthday party, it's already too late.
Jay : Gloria! Gloria, sit down for a second.
Gloria : I'm fine, Jay.
Jay : Please? Look... You may not be in pain... But I'm in pain just thinking you're in pain. So humor me for one minute.
Gloria : What are those?
Jay : There wasn't a big selection at the Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique.
Gloria : Are you crazy? I cannot walk around in public with these... things. They're so yellow and so ugly. And... and they're so softy and so comfortable. Jay, what is this? Thank you for going shopping for me. Thank you for worrying about my feet. Thank you for giving me your jacket when I'm cold. You're such a good man, Jay. Thank you.
Jay : Wow. I didn't expect you to be so... So nice.
Gloria : Why are you so surprised?
Jay : Now please don't go all Latin on me when I say this. Is it possible you get angry from time to time because you're always wearing... uncomfortable shoes?
Gloria : Maybe. Can you get me a couple of more? Maybe they have purple?
Jay : Whatever you want, honey.
Claire : All I'm saying is, it seemed like you were pretty into Ethan until Dylan showed up.
Haley : Don't get me wrong. Ethan's nice, but he's no Dylan.
Claire : Maybe that's a good thing?
Haley : Why? Because Dylan's a free spirit? He's too edgy for you? He plays by his own rules?
Claire : Oh, my God.
Haley : What?
Claire : I beg of you to turn around and experience with me the greatest moment of my life. Your rebel boyfriend's a Dapper Dan.
Haley : Maybe that's not him.
Dapper Dan : Dylan!
Dylan : Uh, uh, sorry. Sorry. Um...
Claire : It certainly seems like him.
Haley : Oh, my God. He looked like those old pictures of dad from High School.
Ethan : So anyway, I've really been into street art lately.
Alex : Oh, there's a really great exhibit downtown. I'll take you.
Haley : Oh, on what, your razor scooter? Mom wants you.
Alex : I-I-I...
Haley : Ethan! I've been looking all over for you!
Jay : I remember I was on Pirates of the Caribbean, and this whole fight with Dede was really eating at me. And there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. They were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. And I remember thinking, I can't save you, buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.
Luke : And... and we were going around a corner, and I was screaming and I swallowed a bug. Oh, being tail is everything that I dreamed it would be. What should we do next?
Phil : Sit down.
Luke : Where we gonna sit down?
Phil : The ground. Here, this is good right here. Oh!
Luke : Are you okay, dad?
Phil : No, I'm not okay. I hate to tell you this, but these rides are killing me.
Luke : B-but you're the king of roller coasters.
Phil : I know! Something happens when you get older. Guess you can't take it. One of my favorite things in the world is doing stupid fun stuff with you, like pogo stick basketball or trying to get a swing to go all the way around.
Luke : Next time, we should sit on a fire extinguisher.
Phil : Yes, or a bottle of coke and some mentos. Honestly, though, the way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if there's gonna be a next time.
Luke : Dad, we can always find cool stuff to do. Even if you're old and in a wheelchair, I'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go.
Phil : Really? You'd do that?
Luke : Heck, yeah. And we'll pop some wheelies, too.
Phil : That sounds fun.
Luke : And I'll take you to the top of a huge hill and just let go.
Phil : Okay, we'll nail down the specifics later, but that... that's really nice.
Luke : So do you still wanna talk or...
Phil : No, go. Ride Space Mountain. Hey! Hey! At the end, when they take a picture, do something hilarious for both of us. You're gonna die. When you see it, not 'cause you're old.
Mitchell : Lily! Lily, stop! Dad! Dad, grab her!
Jay : Hey, I gotcha, you little monkey!
Mitchell : Thank you. Hey, Cam, I got her. We're in Fantasyland. Where are you? Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS. Thank you. All right, honey, come here.
Lily : I don't like this thing.
Mitchell : Yeah? Well, I don't like running like a crazy person through Downton Disney... Downtown Disney. I don't know what to do.
Jay : Well, the leash is not the answer. You want my help?
Mitchell : Yes, please!
Jay : 'Cause I can fix this for you in about two minutes. Come on, baby girl. Come with me. We'll be right back.
Gloria : Okay.
Mitchell : Where we going? Oh, this way?
Gloria : Manny, you don't sound very happy for a kid that is flying an elephant.
Manny : I lost to Durkas. It's not fair. He wanted to buy IBM because he thought it was funny to say.
Gloria : Well, I'm glad that you lost. Fake money has changed you. Where is the Manny that used to stop to smell the roses?
Manny : He took a bath on a solar start-up in San Jose.
Gloria : You have been so busy burying your face in your phone that you barely said hello to your family, you gave Winnie the Pooh the cold shoulder, and you haven't even noticed that pretty girl in the blue elephant that has been smiling at you.
Manny : Not my type, but still it's nice to be noticed.
Gloria : You see what happens when you're not burying your head in business?
Manny : You're right. I'll try to be more present. What the heck's on your feet?
Gloria : They're slippers! They're like pillows.
Jay : Attagirl. You're welcome.
Cameron : Look. Your dad got her baby high heels, which we said we were never gonna let her wear.
Lily : I love 'em.
Cameron : You look gorgeous, sweetie. Oh, my gosh. You felt people judged us before? Wait till they meet little Miss Anaheim.
Mitchell : Who cares? Look at her. She can barely move. Thank you, dad.
Jay : You know what? She's got pretty good gams for a 3-year-old.
Haley : Cheese!
Ethan : Got it. Thanks, Little John.
Haley : Thank you!
Ethan : Ooh, they have corn dogs. We gotta get one before we go back. They are legendary. I'll be right back.
Haley : Okay.
Dylan : Haley! It's me. Dylan. I'm in the bear suit. I borrowed it to talk to you.
Haley : Why are you dancing like that?
Dylan : This is what Little John does. Maybe. I don't know what movie this dude is from. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.
Haley : Well, I'm not talking to you.
Dylan : No, you can talk.
Haley : I know, but I'm mad. You came back to town and didn't even call me.
Dylan : I was embarrassed. I lost my job at the dude ranch, and I wanted to get my act together first.
Haley : But the four dweebs on a bike act?
Dylan : Hey, the Dapper Dans are a main street tradition since 1959.
Ethan : Hey, what's going on?
Haley : Nothing.
Dylan ; I still love her, Ethan.
Ethan : Okay, how do you know my name?
Dylan : It's Dylan. Look, I don't wanna harsh your day, but I never stopped loving Haley and I never will!
Ethan : I-is this some sort of joke?
Dylan : Do I look like I'm joking?
Haley : Dylan, let's not do this now.
Dylan : It has to be now. I've got a parade at 3:00.
Ethan : Hey, seriously, dude, back off.
Dylan : Okay, that was my face. And you're the one who needs to back off.
Haley : You...
Dylan : Okay. This thing's kinda heavy. I can't get up.
Claire : Ethan? Ethan, what is going on? What are you doing?
Dylan : Uh, hi, Mrs. Dunphy. Help me up.
Claire : No.
Dylan : If I could get up, I would... uhh!
Cameron : Come on, Lily sweetie. Keep up, honey.
Claire : Come on. Phil, you don't look like you're doing very well.
Phil : Maybe because I officially became an old man back there at Thunder Mountain.
Claire : Oh, my goodness. You are burning up. You might have the flu.
Phil : A bunch of guys at work had the flu, and we all drink orange juice out of the same carton. We should get cups. Luke, did you hear that?! I have the flu!
Jay : Glad we didn't share that pickle.
Haley : Hey, everybody.
Alex : Oh, hey, hey, guys. Where's Ethan?
Haley : Oh, he's staying. He ran into some friends. But Dylan got fired, so... don't freak out. We have to give him a ride home. And we're back together.
Phil : Yay.
Jay : Hey, no one goes home till we hit the Lincoln thing.
Luke : Yawn.
Claire : Don't even try to fight it.
Mitchell : Yeah, he made us go when we were kids.
Jay : Come on, people! It's a robotic president! What's not to love?
Luke : A robotic president?
Jay : So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell Dede it was over. But on the way out, we made one last stop.
Robotic President : If destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we must live through all times...
Jay : I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me.
Robotic President : And in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Jay : So I stuck it out until they were grown...
Gloria : Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
Jay : And the universe rewarded me.
Luke : Here we go! Hey, dad, roller coast fist bump. What was that? Is this gonna be so awesome! Close your eyes. It makes it more fun.
Phil : Oh, yeah. That is more fun.
