Cameron : Ooh! Individual frittatas! What a treat. You're a lucky man, Phil.
Phil : I'm always saying, I'm...
Claire : Phil.
Phil : Sorry.
Claire : You left the milk out again.
Phil : Oh. Mmm.
Cameron : I may have to take one of these little guys home. Claire, did you ever find that tupperware I lent you?
Claire : Sweetie, for the hundredth time, I gave it back to you, remember?
Cameron : I remember you telling me a hundred times, yet my pea soup is in baggies.
Gloria : Did you check your car? In the...
Jay : Trunk.
Gloria : Because that's where you found that thing that you thought that you gave me long time ago, the... the...
Jay : Pizza cutter. Good, give me another one.
Cameron : Yes, I was wrong that time. I...
Mitchell : It's a piece of plastic. You're ruining brunch.
Jay : Don't sweat it, Cam. I forget things all the time. Like I can never remember the name of that weather guy that I liked. Uh... Thunder something. Stormy... Flash stormy? Ah, whatever the hell it is. I don't know.
Gloria : Mm, just eat your eggs, Jay.
Lily : Yeah, just eat your eggs, Jay.
Jay : Oh, ho ho ho!
Cameron : Grandpa got told!
Luke : Look at them. They all think Lily's so great.
Manny : The novelty will wear off.
Luke : We used to be the cute ones. Now she gets all the attention. We need to take her down.
Jay : And I should remember his name, too, because your mom and I got in a big fight over him. She was using the convertible, and I told her, "put the top up because it's supposed to rain tonight, according to..." P-p-p-partly Mccloudy? Whatever the hell his name is. Anyway... She didn't. Ruined the car.
Mitchell : Well, not to be the one that always come to mom's defense... What? It was 20 years ago. What, you think he's gonna ground you?
Jay : It was you?
Claire : Yes. Yes, I left the top down, and I let mom take the fall.
Mitchell : And then they got divorced.
Claire : 12 years later.
Mitchell : I'm just saying.
Claire : Ugh. You're ruining brunch.
Jay : Relax. It was years ago. There's a statute of limitation on this stuff.
Claire : In that case, I should probably let you know I let the top down to let out the cigarette smoke. Not... not mine. Not mine. My... my bad friend Eleanor.
Mitchell : Eleanor being her boyfriend Allen.
Claire : Statute of limitations.
Jay : Oh, relax, it's okay. Remember when I told you that I couldn't get to your figure skating semifinal because I was stuck at work?
Claire : Yeah.
Jay : Well, by "stuck" I meant "drunk," and by "work" I meant "the golf course."
Claire : Wow. Dad!
Mitchell : Oh, no. I got one. I got one. Remember that time we went golfing together, and you got a hole-in-one?
Jay : Yeah?
Mitchell : You never got a hole-in-one. I got bored and I kicked it in the hole.
Phil : This is fun. Here's a corker. They didn't used to label babies as carefully in hospitals, so for two days...
Jay : Not now, Phil. What do you mean, you... you kicked the ball in the hole? What, was it, like, on the edge?
Mitchell : Yeah, it was on the edge of that, uh... What? That... that sandy thing.
Jay : Gee, it's sure gonna be fun to face my friends today.
Mitchell : Well, you don't have to tell them.
Jay : They call me "ace," Mitch. I haven't paid for a lemonade down there in 20 years.
Mitchell : You're mad at me? Mm.
Lily : Great, daddy. You ruined brunch.
Cameron : You did!
Manny : This ends today.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Luke : A little help here?
Manny : You can't expect me to focus when Miranda Cornell lives right down your street. She's like a dream wrapped in a wish poured into jeggings.
Luke : Yeah, yeah, that's nice and all, but we got a trap to set.
Manny : Are you sure this is going to work?
Luke : Trust me. We'll use these cookies as bait. Lily's crazy for them.
Manny : Asian metabolism.
Luke : When she grabs them with her grubby little hands, off goes the trap. Boom... Big puddle of milk. She'll get in so much trouble. My mom hates messes.
Manny : I'm familiar with Claire.
Luke : Lock... and loaded. Mmm! These cookies are so good... And so easy to reach. Lily!
Mitchell : Oh, my God! Cam!
Cameron : Oh! Ohh!
Gloria : What happened? Are you okay?
Cameron : Oh! That milk... fell, and I must have slipped in it!
Phil : Did I leave that out again? I'm so sorry!
Cameron : Oh! My back! Ooh! My back!
Phil : Can I give you a Swedish massage, accent optional?
Cameron : Oh! Oh, no, I just need to lie down.
Phil : Come on. Let's just get you over to the sofa.
Cameron : Do you think it would be offensive if I asked our daughter to walk on my back?
Phil : I'd say so. I just offered to give you a massage.
Lily : Oh, no! You broke Beatrice. Now she can't feed the dolphins.
Gloria : What is she talking about?
Mitchell : Oh, it's a "My sweet companion" doll. They all have these elaborate backstories. Beatrice works with blind dolphins and models.
Gloria : There are blind models? That's so sad. They cannot see how pretty they are.
Phil : Okay. Hold on. Here we go. Give me some. Give me some. Give me some. Oh! Let me buy Lily a new doll. It's my fault Cam fell.
Mitchell : No, no need. Uh, the My sweet companion store actually has a hospital with an on-call doctor.
Phil : Well, I can go. I'm taking the girls to the mall anyway.
Cameron : Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. And don't worry. She has medical insurance.
Mitchell : Yeah, and I think we've met our deductible for the year, so you should be good.
Cameron : Yeah.
Gloria : Do you know what a doll is in my village? An apple on a fork.
Alex : I never really got dolls. Does that make me weird?
Haley ; It's on the list.
Phil : You're not weird.
Haley : You just kind of skipped the little girl stage. And jumped to the "I dare you to ring her doorbell" stage.
Alex : The only stage you're ever going to jump on has a pole on it.
Haley : Hey, at least I have the body...
Phil : Okay! Okay! We're gonna have to settle this dispute in court... the food court. The honorable Judge Cinnabon presiding.
Haley : The food court? That place smells like the inside of Luke's bicycle helmet.
Alex : I like the food court.
Lily : Me, too.
Phil : Don't worry, girls. We're not gonna deprive ourselves just 'cause of Haley's aversion to food...
Alex : Oh. Oh, Haley's "aversion." I thought you said... Never mind.
Claire : Okay, so after you have turned on the monitor and selected your input, you can change the channel with this guy. But if you need to change the volume...
Cameron : You know what? I think I'm fine. Why don't you just go ahead?
Claire : I know this sounds really confusing, but there's actually a very simple way to remember it. Input 1 is the cable box cable box, ca...
Cameron : I think I'm just gonna take a nap.
Claire : Okay. I'm going to yoga.
Gloria : Ay! That sounds like so much fun.
Cameron : Oh, you should go with her, Gloria!
Claire : Oh, we should definitely do that sometime. I would love it. Bye!
Gloria : Do you see how she gives me the cold shoulders? I don't even know why I try. Ay. Sorry.
Cameron : Oh, well, that's just Claire, you know? She's a Pritchett. You gotta break through those walls. The sooner the better.
Gloria : You really think so?
Cameron : Yeah. Why don't you go? Now. Forge that friendship!
Gloria : Okay, I go. I have my gym bag in the car. Feel better!
Cameron : Okay, thank you! I'm just gonna lie here... Some ice on my back!
Cameron : I knew for a fact Claire never returned my tupperware, I just needed a few minutes alone to find it. And when I did, I'd never have to hear them snicker again, "Oh, silly Cam" or "forgetful Cam," because revenge is a dish best served cold. And even better, two days later out of 24-ounce microwave-friendly burp-sealed pak-n-stor.
Cameron : Oh, hey! I thought you were going to the pharmacy.
Mitchell : I forgot my phone. Oh. I think I'm just upset about this stupid thing with my dad.
Cameron : Well, sweetie, I'd love to hear about it when you come back with my heating pad from the pharmacy, because I hurt my back, remember?
Mitchell : I mean, did he overreact or what? It's just a game, right?
Cameron : Well, unless there's something more to it. Maybe you should go talk to him.
Mitchell : Yeah. Oh, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I mean, it was such a great day. After he thought he got that hole-in-one, he took us out to dinner. He bought me my first beer.
Cameron : Well, there you go. He's probably hurt because you marred a very special father-son experience.
Mitchell : You think?
Cameron : Ya marred it. But you can fix it. He's down at the club right now. Un-mar that memory!
Mitchell : You know what? I'm gonna do it.
Cameron : Ow.
Mitchell : Sorry. Don't worry. I'll be back soon.
Cameron : Okay! I'll miss you! Call first.
Haley : What were you thinking saying that in front of him?
Alex : I'm sorry. It slipped out. Besides, I figured he knew.
Haley : Mom knows. Only because she dragged it out of Dylan. And she promised not to tell dad until I left for college, which means he might have never found out.
Alex : Stop panicking. We don't even know for sure he heard what I said.
Phil : Okay. Beatrice is with the nurse. They'll call us. Shouldn't be too long. We can just wait until she's married. Until she's... ready. Which, apparently, everyone is these days. Funny, I used to think it'd be years until everyone was ready, but I guess I was wrong. Wrong and naive.
Gloria : Surprise!
Claire : Oh! Gloria. My God.
Gloria : I came to do yoga with you.
Claire : I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Gloria : Yeah, that's why I say "surprise!"
Claire : Oh, yeah. This is awful, because I was just thinking I might have to bail on yoga. I have the worst headache all of a sudden.
Gloria : Oh, but yoga is good for that, Claire. For the meditation, for the mmm...
Claire : Yeah, yeah. It's just right now I wanna go lie down in a dark room and breathe.
Gloria : That sounds like yoga.
Claire : I... I realize that. Yes. But still, I-I... should go.
Gloria : Come on. I'm not gonna do the class by myself. Okay, so let's go and get massages. Or there's a nail salon there.
Claire : Ooh, I would love to do that some other time, I really would. But right now I need to get home and lie down. You understand, right?
Gloria : Of course.
Claire : Okay.
Gloria : You go! And lie.
Manny : You're better!
Cameron : Oh! Barely. Barely, yeah. I was just getting something cold for my back.
Luke : Gravy? Well, if it can save your mom's turkey, it can save anything. I thought you were going to see your friend Miranda.
Luke : This one chickened out. For someone who says he likes girls so much, he sure is afraid of them.
Manny : It's a dance, Luke.
Luke : Chicken dance.
Cameron : Well, since you're back, what if I give you 20 bucks, and you guys... Go wash my car?
Luke : Is that 20 bucks for each of us, or both of us?
Cameron : Both.
Luke : That's what I thought.
Stan : Uh-oh, check it out. Ace is drooling over his plaque again.
Jay : Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't smell you idiots come in. Listen, I've been thinking, maybe it's time we retire the name "Ace."
Miles : You mean the name you had printed on your golf cap?
Stan : And his robe.
Jay : You know, guys, about that...
Frank : Remember how mad he got when I yanked that cap off his head and put it on?
Miles : You got to earn that!
Jay : Yeah, yeah, well, I'm just glad one of those cheap hair plugs didn't get caught in it.
Frank : Hey, for the millionth time, they're not plugs.
Stan : So what, your hair just came back when you turned 50?
Frank : Unlike your wife.
Stan : Hey, that was a blessing. Otherwise, I wouldn't be taking out Natalie Hobbes tonight.
Miles : Taking her out or doing her taxes?
Jay : So I'm trying to find a way to come clean about the hole-in-one, when it occurs to me... Why? One idiot lies about his sex life, the other dumbbell has a Ferrari "in the shop" for years, and moron number three is a Hollywood stunt car driver who gets sick when he rides backwards in the golf cart.
Jay : So you ladies ready to tee off or what?
Frank : Yeah, just gotta settle up our tab.
Jay : I took care of it.
Miles : You said you were going to the restroom.
Stan : Ah! Can't trust a word out of this guy's mouth.
Frank : 20 years we've been falling for this.
Mitchell : I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but my dad never lied to you guys.
Jay : Mitchell...
Mitchell : No, he didn't even know until today that he never made the hole-in-one.
Jay : Okay.
Mitchell : But the fact that he couldn't live with himself when he found out, and he raced down here to confess to you, that just shows the kind of man he is. He is a hole-in-one kind of man.
Stan : You never got a hole-in-one?
Jay : I didn't tell them.
Mitchell : So this is the gang. Introduce me.
Luke : Ahh. Score!
Manny : It's not like me and Miranda are perfectly suited. For one thing, she likes bad boys. That's just not me.
Luke : I'm gonna turn on some music.
Manny : I'm sorry. I can't unlearn how to treat a lady. But where does that leave me? Waiting till I'm 40 when she looks me up on Facebook after a failed first marriage?
Luke : Okay.
Manny : What are you doing?
Luke : I'm sick of hearing you whine about Miranda! It's time to make her notice you!
Manny : But we can't!
Luke : We got a full tank of gas, and she's right down the block. Now buckle up!
Manny : Are you crazy?
Luke : You tell me.
Alex : Lily, what is this? Don't you rather have a chemistry set or flash cards?
Lily : She's pretty.
Alex : No. No, she's dirty. Look. Look at the dirt. Let me wipe her off. Fix that. One of her breeds is coming loose. Come here. Fix that right up.
Dr Goodall : So I've completed the examination, she did really well.
Phil : What's the prognosis?
Dr Goodall : We can fix most of her arm, but she'll never regain full mobility in her shoulder joint, because they don't make that part anymore.
Haley : Well, that's pretty good, right? I mean, she'll look exactly the same. No one will know.
Phil : I'll know. I'm just saying I liked her the way she was. She was such a sweet little doll. I'm sorry, doctor. I'm having trouble adjusting to all this.
Haley : Uh, dad, she's still a sweet little doll.
Phil : No, she's broken.
Haley : No, she's just changed a little. It happens. Dolls grow up.
Dr Goodall : Well, actually...
Haley : Uh, could you...
Dr Goodall : Yeah. Sure. I actually have to go give a little girl some pretty bad news.
Phil : So, Haley... The thing is...
Phil : Fact... Haley's almost 18. Fact... I am the cool dad. Haley, I understand that sex is a part of life. I can't say that I'm thrilled to hear this, but I'm sure you're being safe, and I hope that you'll feel free to talk to me about this anytime.
Phil : We should... We should probably get Beatrice, like, a-a cast or something, and we can all sign it. Yeah?
Haley : Uh, yeah. Sure.
Phil : Fact... I blew it.
Phil : This repair's probably gonna take a little while. Why don't you run up to the food court and grab us a table? I'll get Alex and Lily.
Haley : Okay. Do you want the counter or a booth?
Phil : Whatever seems right to you. I trust you.
Haley : I have a cool dad.
Luke : Okay. Your turn.
Manny : Unh-unh! No way!
Luke : Do you wanna get her attention, or not?
Manny : That was amazing! Did you see the look on Miranda's face?
Luke : No. But you did good, Thelma.
Manny : Please stop calling me that. I hate that movie.
Luke : What movie?
Manny : Uh-oh! Dead end!
Luke : You gotta make a u-ey.
Manny : I don't know how to do that.
Gloria : She pretended to have a headache, Cam. She doesn't want to spend time with me.
Cameron : Maybe she just wanted to be alone.
Gloria : Why?
Cameron : Because some people really value their privacy, and you have to respect that.
Gloria : I have to go. Hola, Claire!
Claire : Gloria, you've gotta stop doing that!
Gloria : Were you going back to the yoga class without me?
Claire : No, that is not why I came back.
Gloria : I don't understand you. Why you don't want to spend time with me? Everybody wants to spend time with me! Even the lady that did my nails wants to take me to pilates.
Claire : I didn't come back here to do yoga. I don't do yoga. It's a cover, okay? Look... I know that from the outside, it seems like I have everything together.
Gloria : No, not really.
Claire : My point is that my life can be very stressful. And I have found a way to cope with that stress. And it's my little secret. And I'm not proud of it.
Claire's friend : Hey, Claire. See you inside.
Claire : Hey!
Gloria : Is that what you do?
Claire : No. No! Okay. You're coming with me. Come in. But listen to me. Gloria... It has to stay between us. This is my sacred space.
Claire : It's just such a great release. Thank you for not judging me.
Gloria : Why would I? If anything, it makes me like you more.
Claire : Mm.
Gloria : So how often do you come here?
Claire : Not that often. No. Hey. Maybe a little often.
Gloria : That's so sad.
Claire : I live with four teenagers.
Gloria : You live with two adults.
Claire : You have no idea...
Gloria : No, no, no. It's so sad that you come here so often and that's the best that you can shoot. And that's with pretty nails.
Claire : But improper stance. I...
Gloria : Practice more.
Claire : Okay.
Waiter : Here you go, Ace... I mean... what is your real name?
Jay : Jay.
Mitchell : Dad, I...
Jay : I told you, forget about it.
Mitchell : All right. I-I just want you to know I get why you're upset, okay? That... that day you got the hole-in-one, it meant a lot to you. And... I... I marred it. But it meant a lot to me, too. We had a steak dinner, you gave me my first beer, and, uh... It was one of the greatest days we ever spent together. And it wasn't about some meaningless hole-in-one, it was about us.
Jay : No. It was about a hole-in-one.
Mitchell : Yes. Yes. A-a little bit, maybe. But mostly, it was about how we bonded.
Jay : I thought I hit a ball straight from the tee really, really far into a tiny hole.
Mitchell : Okay. Well, when will I learn?
Jay : And it wasn't your first beer, anyway.
Mitchell : Yes, it was, dad, but I wouldn't expect you to remember.
Jay : It was your 14th birthday. You asked me for a sip of mine. Your mom yelled at you in front of all your friends, said you were just a baby. You ran outside in tears... Which, unfortunately, supported your mom's argument. Anyway, I came out with a couple of beers. We drank 'em on the porch watching the storm clouds coming in.
Mitchell : I had completely forgotten about that. You know, you're... you're unbelievable. Just when I peg you as some...
Jay : Storm Stevens! That's it! Give me something. I'm gonna write it right here. Before I forget. "Storm Stevens." Stevens. What were we just talking about? Just now? No?
Mitchell : Mnh-mnh.
Haley : Come on, Lily. Let's see if Beatrice is ready.
Alex : Hey, dad? I know I'm way too old for this, but do you think I could get this doll? Her name's Genevieve, and she's developing a vaccine for...
Phil : Yes, you can get the doll. You can get as many dolls as you want.
Alex : It's $200.
Phil : Or one is fine.
Cameron : I know you're here. Hello.
Manny : I have a bad feeling about this. What if one of your neighbors saw us? Maybe we should just confess.
Luke : We will... In 20 years.
Manny : Huh?
Luke : You heard grandpa. There's a statute of limitations, which is a good thing because we still need to take Lily down.
Manny : Nah, let her be the cute one. We don't need that anymore. We're bad boys now.
Luke : Yeah. I like that. Bad boys.
Manny : Your mom!
Gloria : Oh, my God. Cam!
Cameron : Um, this had a lid?
Haley : I'll see you guys later. I'm going to Abby's.
Claire : Bye, honey. Have fun.
Phil : Have fun, you! With Abby! We've confirmed Abby's a real person and a female?
Claire : Yes, sweetie. We met her. Honey, we can't treat Haley differently just because we both know what we know about her.
Phil : I know. I just need time. So Dylan told you? Why didn't he tell me? He and I used to share everything.
Claire : You're upset about a lot of things.
Phil : Okay, I won't obsess over it. I just wanna ask you one thing. How long have you known?
Claire : Three months.
Phil : So this giant thing happened to our first born, and you kept me in the dark about it for three whole months?
Claire : I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how you'd... Okay.
Phil : Thank you.
