Phil : Morning.
Claire : Hey.
Phil : Did you sleep all right?
Claire : No. You? Say no, Phil.
Phil : Of course no. I missed you up there.
Claire : Last night, I know I got kind of carried away...
Phil : No, no, no. You don't need to apologize.
Claire : I don't think that I was apologi...
Phil : You were right to be mad.
Claire : Sometimes I just feel like I have to scream to let you know how upset I am, but you get it now, right?
Phil : I... do.
Phil : Not. No idea whatsoever. Ohh, if I knew, but... no.
Claire : Good. So let's pretend the whole thing never happened.
Phil : What were we even fighting about, huh?
Luke : What the heck happened in here? The raccoon get through the dog door again?
Phil : Yep. The raccoon got in, and your mom fought it off with the fire extinguisher.
Luke : You're a mess! Are you okay?
Phil : Careful, buddy. Not today. I think you look beautiful.
Claire : Save it.
Jay : One time I forgot to get Gloria a birthday present, and I paid for it. Another time I remembered, but she didn't like the gift. I paid for that. So you'd think when I remember to buy her a gift and she loves it, I wouldn't have to pay for it, right?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Oh, hey, good. Grab the other end of this and help me get it out of here. I have to start setting up the chairs for tonight.
Mitchell : Oh, tonight? What's tonight?
Cameron : Are you kidding me? This is what I'm talking about, Mitchell. You never listen when I...
Mitchell : It's a fundraiser for the friends of the Third Street Overpass Music Society. Two harpists are performing, and you're anxious 'cause Andrew, your nemesis from the steering committee, ran the event last year, and you want to upstage him. I was kidding.
Cameron : Ha.
Mitchell : Cam has it in his head that I don't listen to him, but I do.
Cameron : Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
Cameron : The doctor called and said Lily's rash is just dry skin. I'm so relieved. What did I just say?
Mitchell : You act like you listen to every single thing that I say, but you don't.
Cameron : Don't I, Mitchell?
Cameron : Hey, I'm going to the store today. Do you need me to pick anything up for you?...
Cameron : Razor blades, saline solution, black socks, and the new issue of Vanity Fair.
Mitchell : Wow. I don't even remember asking for all that. Thank you.
Cameron : Don't I?
Jay : How'd this thing come off, anyway?
Claire : Well, I was cooking dinner, and...
Phil : Right. And the raccoon just walked in the...
Claire : And I already had the door open.
Phil : Right. Which I... I had already had ahold of the...
Jay : Why don't you two go work on your story and come back?
Phil : Okay. Okay.
Haley : I won't be home till late. I have another shift at the restaurant.
Phil : That's our working girl. Let the river run, honey.
Haley : Check it! $57 in tips from last night. Holla!
Claire : Honey, that's impressive. You know what? $57 from you, $57 from us... You keep this up, we are going to be buying you a car by the summer.
Luke : Mom, is this "upscale casual"?
Claire : What?
Phil : Oh, yeah. Cam hired Luke to help out with the benefit tonight.
Jay : Hey, you know what? I can't fix this thing.
Claire : What? I need that. I use it every day. Okay, Phil, what do you say? You want to take a trip to the mall with me?
Phil : I... do.
Phil : Not, if I can possibly avoid it. Claire has this little... habit... At the mall, where sh... I can't even talk about it.
Gloria : Jay, come on! I want to go home because you said you were going to film me doing the karaoke so I can send it to Colombia to my mother.
Phil : Claire, um, about the mall? I was actually gonna run out and get my hair cut this afternoon.
Jay : Well, hang on here. Why don't I run Claire down the mall, and you give Phil a haircut? You're always talking about how you miss working at the salon.
Gloria : I guess I could. I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil : You... can do me. Okay, let's get this party started. You know that song?
Jay : Let's go, let's go! We're wasting time!
Phil : O... okay, okay. Yeah.
Gloria : You know it?
Phil : I think I do.
Cameron : So, that was Andrew, who practically choked telling me that no one had called in their regrets for the event tonight. It is gonna be a full house.
Mitchell : Oh, that must feel great!
Cameron : Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having an archenemy. - Oh. But I do, Mitchell. I do. Hmm.
Mitchell : Hey, Lily, what you got there?
Cameron : I do feel bad for those PETA folks. Their event's tonight, too. That's why I had you mail the invitations so long ago. I shouldn't laugh. I do feel bad for those little PETA animals. I really do. What are you doing?
Mitchell : Nothing. She was, uh... she was, uh, sucking her thumb again.
Mitchell : Yes, I put Cam's invites in my car to take them to the post office and then threw my gym bag on top of them and completely forgot they existed. Ohh, I feel terrible. Haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.
Mitchell : Hello, Miss Hartwick. Uh, Cam and I are hosting a little event tonight, and... Yes, yes. No, I am aware that there is also a PETA event, and... ohh.
Cameron : Who are you talking to?
Mitchell : I'm in the shower!
Cameron : Luke, how are those chairs coming? Come in.
Luke : I think you should come in come in.
Cameron : Oh, now I'm worried about the flow. The eyes should go to the harps, not the backs of chairs.
Luke : Are you gonna get upset and starting eating all the appetizers again?
Cameron : It is amazing what you notice and what you don't notice. Please handle that. I need to think.
Luke : Come on, Luke.
Waitress : Hi, there. Your father home?
Luke : I think so. Why?
Cameron : Oh, oh! The wait staff. Please, Luke, show them to the kitchen, please.
andrew : Knock knock.
Cameron : Oh. Hello, Andrew.
Andrew : Nice chair backs. I just thought you could use this. It's the sign-in book for my event last year. Let just turn to the blank pages, which should be... Oh. No. It's full.
Cameron : Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us, but shouldn't you be getting back home to Donald? That is the name of your cat, isn't it?
Andrew : I'll see you at 7:00.
Cameron : Drive safely. What did I tell you?
Luke : She's even worse than you said.
Gloria : Hold still! You can't move like that. It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird.
Phil : I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense today.
Gloria : I knew it. Something happened. Because when somebody works in a salon, they know when someone needs to talk.
Phil : Actually, you might be able to help me with this one. Claire and I got into a huge fight last night... And I'm not even sure what it was about.
Gloria : Was that why you didn't want to go to the mall with her?
Phil : Oh. No, that was... more about a weird... mall habit Claire has.
Claire : Oh, my god! That's good! Oh, oh! Go low, go low. Go low, go low. Oh! Oh! Oh, my god! Dad! Dad! You got to get one of these! Oh! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Alex : It is impressive how much Haley's earning. She's over $500 already.
Manny : That's a lot of cheddar.
alex : Why's everyone acting like she's the first 17-year-old to have a job? In other cultures, she'd have two kids already, and they'd have jobs.
Manny : You know, I stopped by the restaurant a couple times, and she wasn't there.
Alex : When?
Manny : Uh, I don't remember. I was at the mall for a movie.
Alex : Think! I need details!
Manny : Okay, it was a romantic comedy my now ex-friend Reuben recommended...
Alex : Not about the movie! What day?! Focus!
Manny : Okay, uh, it was Tuesday, but I also ate there again on Saturday, and she wasn't there then, either.
Alex : Oh, my god. I bet she doesn't even work there.
Manny : Well, then, where's all this money coming from?
Alex : Do you notice how every single night is just under $60? Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday. She's just hanging around the mall all day, flashing the same cash every night, and fooling my parents into buying her a car. Hey, dad! Can we eat at Haley's restaurant tonight?!
Phil : Hey, there's a good idea!
Alex : Great. I'll text her.
Haley : Oh, god, no!
Claire : Oh, god, yes! Oh! Oh, god, yes! Oh, get after it! Ohh! Amazing. I'm going for 15 more on me.
Jay : I think you got what you needed from that.
Claire : Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Jay : You know, maybe you do need to talk about this fight.
Claire : With Phil?
Gloria : How could you not know what she was mad about?
Phil : Because she didn't tell me. She just freaked out.
Claire : I cannot believe you, Phil! How could you?!
Phil : What is happening? What... what did I do?
Claire : Are you serious? You are! You don't know. We've had this conversation a hundred times. You know... no, no. I'm not... I'm not doing this again. You tell me what you did.
Phil : Uh...
Claire : "Uh..."
Phil : Was it...
Claire : "Was it..."
Phil : Uh...
Claire : "Uh"? No, Phil. No. No, no, no. No! I'm going to get some air.
Phil : Claire. Claire!
Claire : No! Don't follow me.
Phil : Happy valen-birth-iversary!
Jay : Storming off... right out of your mom's playbook.
Claire : Mm.
Jay : Where'd you go?
Claire : Well, as it turns out, not very far.
Claire : Phil! Phil, you moron, stop it! It's me, you idiot!
Phil : I'm sorry!
Claire : What are you doing?!
Phil : I'm sorry! I thought you were a raccoon!
Claire : You thought I was a raccoon! Because people look so much like raccoons. Oh, look. There's one now!
Phil : No, Claire, no! Claire!
Gloria : Wait a minute. Not even crazy woman go crazy for no reason. What happened before the broccoli?
Phil : That's just it... it came out of the blue. I walked in the door, we're having a conversation about nothing.
Phil : Hey, honey.
Claire : Hi.
Phil : Sorry I got stuck at the office. How was your day?
Claire : It was good. Although you know what?
Phil : What?
Claire : Debbie stood me up for lunch. Rude, right?
Phil : No. She called.
Claire : I didn't get a message.
Phil : Yeah. You did. I left you one. It's right... there.
Gloria : That's it! How is she supposed to see this? If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.
Phil : But that's not when she got mad.
Phil : Also, I talked to the insurance company about that little accident that "wasn't your fault" because the brakes weren't "working right." And that's not gonna cost us as much money as I thought, so that's good.
Gloria : That's it! You insult a woman's driving, and you use the "Air bunnies." You do that to me, and I kill you.
Phil : I hear you, but the screaming still hadn't started yet.
Phil : So, I'm having lunch with Skip Woosnum, right? Boy, can that guy go on and on. Tangent after tangent. By the way, turned me on to the greatest thing... wedge salad... you go to try it. Anyhoo... Guess who's sitting at the table next to us. My old girlfriend Carla. Yeah! We're gonna grab coffee. She lost a ton of weight.
Gloria : How stupid are you? You tell me that you're seeing an old girlfriend, and I...
Phil : Kill me, I know. But she still hadn't snapped yet.
Phil : I almost forgot. I picked up the broccoli you asked for. Cauliflower. Can't believe I did that again.
Claire : I cannot believe you, Phil!
Gloria : You didn't do one thing wrong. You do everything wrong! I don't even know why she talks to you.
Phil : She said she was okay.
Gloria : No. No woman is okay with this. We don't forget. We wait. And then, when you least expect it, We make you pay. Chin up!
Phil : Ohh.
Gloria : Up!
Jay : So you had a meltdown over that.
Claire : I did, because ever since I met him, I've been trying to get Phil to try a wedge salad. The minute that Skip Woosnum, whom he doesn't even like, suggests it, Phil thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and he does this with everything. He does it with books, with movies, with TV. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine, and it drives me crazy.
Jay : You two seemed fine this morning.
Claire : Well, we were because we talked about it, which, by the way, if you want this whole karaoke thing with Gloria to go away, that's what you need to do.
Jay : That's easier said than done.
Claire : Well, since when do you shy away from confrontation, Mr. Tough Talk, Mr. Straight Shooter? Getting a little soft, grandpa?
Jay : You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.
Cameron : Luke, phone.
Luke : Friends of the Third Street...
Cameron : Is that Mitchell? What's taking him?
Luke : No, it's not Mitchell. It's... I don't understand his name.
Cameron : Hello? Oh, hi, Longinus. Listen, did you get my message? About the chiavari chairs... I want you to bring them when you come. What do you mean you're not... not coming? Well, that's not possible. Mitch... Mitch mailed them weeks ago. What about Pepper? Did he get his? And L'Michael? And Steven and Stefan? And Bob? I have to go. Get me your uncle Mitchell.
Luke : I don't know his number. It went to voicemail.
Cameron : Of course it did. Keep trying him until you get him. It's one button. Just... redial.
Mitchell : Hey, really great event tonight benefiting the music society... musicians like you. Okay. Hey!
Luke : Uncle Cam for uncle Mitchell.
Cameron : How could you, Mitchell?! Honestly! Give me that. You want to hear the guest list for night? So far it's anger, betrayal, terror, and sadness. Congratulations, Mitchell, you packed the house!
Mitchell : Cam, I am so sorry. I... I... I'm gonna fix it. I'll make a big donation.
Cameron : That's not gonna keep them from kicking me off the steering committee! When Andrew walks in here and sees a room full of empty chairs...
Mitchell : You know he's not really your archenemy. that's sort of a made-up thing.
Cameron : Fix it!
Haley : Hi! You came!
Claire : Hi! Of course we did. We wanted to see you work. - Oh.
Phil : We're so proud of you, sweetheart.
Alex : Yeah, we're all proud. So where's our table?
Haley : Actually, bad news. We're totally booked. We have a ton of reservations.
Alex : Yeah, one's ours. I called. Here it is!
Phil : Hey.
Haley : Uh, so, your table is right here.
Claire : Oh, honey, would you mind getting us a couple drinks? I would love an iced tea.
Phil : Same, please.
Alex : I'll have a mango-kiwi smoothie, yogurt instead of ice cream, and make it low-fat. I want to look good when I'm riding in your new car.
Claire : Honey, I got to say, I like this haircut.
Phil : Hey, we're all just playing for second in this family.
Claire : Hmm.
Waitress : Were you all done here?
Haley : Uh, actually, no. Um, I will have more iced tea, another iced tea, and a mango-kiwi smoothie, all ice cream. I'm pregnant.
Phil : Well, this is nice. Me, my gals, and my beautiful, beautiful wife. Just so you know, I rescheduled with Carla. I penciled her in for the 12th... of never.
Claire : That's too bad. I was kind of looking forward to hearing about that one.
Phil : Oh. By the way, no one called for you while you were out.
Claire : Thank you?
Phil : I just want to make sure you get any messages from any friends who might call, which none of them did.
Alex : Isn't it weird that Haley's the only one here not wearing a name tag?
Phil : If your mother had a name tag, it would say "good driver."
Claire : Phil...
Haley : Here you go.
Alex : I want to hear the specials.Haley : Uh, we're out of specials. What were they?
Haley : Popular, which you wouldn't understand.
Phil : Well, what could be better than drinks with a beautiful woman? And every beautiful woman deserves flowers. Cauliflowers.
Claire : Okay. What's going on? Is this about last night?
Phil : Yeah, I just want you to know how important to me you are.
Claire : Sweetie, I know that. I know that.
Phil : I still feel bad about, you know what I... did.
Claire : Listen to me. You and I are fine. Okay? I'm just really hungry. Okay?
Phil : Okay. Okay. All right! What looks good? Oh, gosh. Oh, here's something that jumps right off the page.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Phil : I tried this yesterday, thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favor and join me wedge salad.
Claire : You have got to be kidding me!
Phil : Just try it. You will thank me.
Claire : Did you learn nothing from last night?
Phil : Whoa. It was about the salad?
Claire : I have been recommending wedge salads to you, Amongst other things, for years, and you never listen to me. And then some idiot suggests it, and you can't wait to try a wedge salad?! It makes me feel like I don't matter.
Haley : Thanks a lot, dad! Mom's little outburst just got me fired!
Phil : Okay, I got to talk to your mom. You comfort your sister.
Alex : She never worked here!
Jay : So, Mitchell called you, too.
Claire : Mm-hmm. I take it you haven't had your conversation with Gloria yet?
Jay : It's getting worse. She sang all the way here. We passed two cars... the dogs stuck their heads back inside the window.
Claire : Wow.
Cameron : What are we gonna do?
Luke : I could start a fire.
Cameron : No. Keep that in your back pocket.
Phil : Hey.
Claire : Hey.
Phil : I want to show you something.
Claire : Let me guess. It's a copy of "The book thief" that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil : Remember this?
Claire : Uh-huh.
Phil : It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire : God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil : I know. You said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer, so I cut it off.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : Just like I lost the feathered earring... and the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire : I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your l...
Phil : No. No. You're the witch who saved me. Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. You can't tell me our opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I... I might miss a book or a salad here and there, but... I've got Claire all over me.
Claire : You're about to.
Gloria : That's the worst sound in the world.
Jay : Is it?
Cameron : Friends, uh, family, uh, board members...
Andrew : "Bored" is right.
Cameron : I know we were all looking forward to hearing the beautiful stylings of Harp Attack, but there has, unfortunately, been a slight...
Mitchell : Don't start yet!
Camerno : delay, and the program will start in a few minutes, on time. Uh, so, please, everyone take their seats. Thank you. Oh, my god, you did it! Sort of.
Mitchell : I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but I need to do a better job of listening to you.
Cameron : No, no, you did the best you could, and, plus, this is double what Andrew had last year for "Cello submarine." Thank you.
Mitchell : Oh.
Cameron : Oh... how are you sitting at a harp and not scoring this moment? Ladies!
Jay : You can't have a successful marriage without being a good listener. Sometimes it takes a little work...
Cameron : I just wonder what they're gonna do with their lives, you know? I just wonder how they can actually, you know, ever find their true calling with a harp.
Jay : Sometimes it takes a lot of work...
Phil : Harps!
Jay : And sometimes it's just excruciating.
Gloria : Jay, come. I work out another song.
Jay : Gloria. Gloria.
Manny : No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I can't take it anymore! Okay? It's not singing, it's screaming. Mom, I love you, but for the love of god, destroy that thing before it destroys this family! Coward!
Jay : I think you sound great, but if it bothers the kid...
Manny : Coward!
Manny : You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.
