Claire : Honey, honey, look, look. She's doing that thing with her jaw again.
Phil : Poor kid. She puts so much pressure on herself.
Claire : It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like 100 articles about it. Where does she get it from?
Phil : Yeah, it's... it's a mystery.
Claire : I know. Alex... Honey, hi! Hi, hi, hi. Why don't you take a little break?
Alex : Mom, the test is tomorrow morning. I'm not taking any breaks.
Claire : Just a little... Oh, okay.
Luke : She does that jaw thing every six seconds. It's like the hippopotamus at the miniature-golf place.
Phil : Ohh, I've bounced so many balls off those big teeth.
Luke : It's all about the timing!
Claire : Luke!
Phil : So close!
Alex : Stop it, you...
Claire : Hey, hey, Luke, go to your room.
Phil : Go on!
Luke : She's got to eat. I did it out of love.
Claire : Go.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : Look at her with the little harmonica.
Cameron : I know. She's like a little junior junior Wells. Where did you buy it for her?
Mitchell : I thought you got it for her. Oh, no. Cam, she must have grabbed it from that store.
Cameron : Okay. Honey... Listen. Stealing is wrong. Now, we have to go back and pay for it.
Mitchell : Cam, it's so far away.
Cameron : No, I'm not going back there.
Mitchell : Tracy?
Tracy : Oh, my God. Mitchell.
Mitchell : Uh, this is... this is Cameron, my partner...
Tracy : Oh.
Mitchell : And, uh, our daughter, Lily.
Tracy : Wow!
Mitchell : Oh, Cam, this is... this is Tracy.
Cameron : Oh. "Tracy" Tracy.
Mitchell : Yes.
Cameron : Oh, hi.
Mitchell : Tracy was my high-school girlfriend. Yes. Yes, it's true. I had girlfriends... quite a few, actually.
Cameron : I, too, took my fair share of ladies to the hen house. Literally, I did take them to the hen house. That's the only place you could get some privacy on a farm.
Mitchell : : Really? What were these... what were these girls' names?
Cameron : : Oh, well, there was Nellie Forbush...
Mitchell : Oh...
Cameron : Betty Rizzo... Eliza...
Mitchell : Doolittle. These are characters from musicals. You're so gay, you can't even think of real girls' names.
Cameron : Kim McAfee... that's a real one.
Mitchell : "Bye bye birdie".
Mitchell : What's new?
Tracy : I got married last year.
Mitchell : Th... that's great. How long are you in town for?
Tracy : Just a couple of days. We're staying at my folks'.
Cameron : Oh, I want to hear all about Mitchell from high school. Did he have a beard?
Tracy : Uh, you're looking at her. Of course I didn't know it back then.
Mitchell : But we should... we should all... We should all hang out.
Tracy : Yeah. Uh... no.
Mitchell : W... well, take care.
Tracy : Okay. Bye.
Cameron : Um... Thumpety thump-thump. Look at frosty go!
Mitchell : That was weird.
Cameron : Well, don't worry about it. It's high school, honey.
Mitchell : Well, actually...
Cameron : What?
Mitchell : At our 10-year reunion, we got a little drunk, started reminiscing, one thing led to another...
Cameron : You went back?
Mitchell : I... I think I just wanted to see if I could. Turns out I could.
Cameron : Where did this happen?!
Mitchell : Um, in the nurse's office. I can still hear the crinkling of the paper. After that, I... I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.
Cameron : You naughty little girl.
Mitchell : Well, you know, that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.
Jay : Hello.
Gloria : Jay, guess who called. The Hoffmans.
Jay : Who?
Gloria : That's right. The ones from the hotel bar in Cabo. They're in town for the night. They want to go to dinner.
Jay : Oh, hell. The boring guy and the loudmouth?
Gloria : I know. I was so excited that they called.
Jay : I don't want to see them.
Gloria : I know! So much fun!
Jay : You're with them right now, aren't you?
Gloria : Yes! Ha ha. And they can't wait to see you, too!
Phil : Okay, pencils down. You're taking a break.
Alex : No, I... I can't afford to take a break. Sanjay Patel's not taking a break.
Phil : Well, obviously, Sanjay's parents don't care about him. Or "her". What is that... "Sanjay"?
Alex : Sanjay's the only one in class who might do better than me, and I cannot let that happen.
Claire : Honey, listen to yourself. It's just not healthy.
Phil : This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence, and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Claire : What about me?
Phil : Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
Claire : Thanks, Phil. Okay, come on. Let's go have some fun!
Alex : No!
Phil : Let's go! Yes!
Phil : Doesn't this feel good, sweetheart?
Claire : It's fun, right?
Cameron : Honestly, I think you're overly worried about Lily. It's not like she's gonna grow up to be a thief. And besides, at the end of the day, who does she learn her behavior from? Us. We're her role models. Like mama always said, our children are just miniature versions of us. Come on.
Mitchell : Cam.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, come on, Jay. Give me one smile. I know you want to.
Voice recorder : Oh, come on, Jay. Give me one smile. I know you want to.
Gloria : Isn't that fun, Jay?
Mr. Hoffman : Oh, this has been so much fun!
Jay : You know, I'm surprised to hear you say that. You've been pretty quiet.
Mr. Hoffman : That's because I'm a listener. I love to listen. It's my hobby.
Jay : Listening is your hobby? Sure.
Mrs. Hoffman : You guys have got to come out and visit us. Seriously. We're not taking no for an answer.
Mr. Hoffman : Yes. Yes, yes.
Gloria : Oh, we would love to!
Jay : Okay, let's slow down. You're nice people. We're nice people. But let's be honest... We've all tried to do that thing where we force a friendship that isn't really there. So why don't we just call it a day right now and say goodbye, shake hands, wish each other well?
Mrs Hoffman : Oh, my God.
Mr. Hoffman : This is so uncomfortable.
Jay : No, no, but the beauty of it is we're never gonna see each other again, so there's no reason to be uncomfortable.
Gloria : They're staying with us tonight. Their bags are in our house.
Jay : Oh, then you were right. This is uncomfortable. This is uncomfortable.
Cameron : Do you like it? The recipe called for a cup of water, but I used milk instead to make the sauce creamier.
Mitchell : Cam, I need to tell you something.
Cameron : You hate it.
Mitchell : Cameron.
Cameron : No. You're right. I shouldn't try anything new ever.
Mitchell : Stop it. I'm trying to talk to you. Okay, today, when we were leaving the mall, I saw Tracy by the fountain...
Cameron : Please, don't tell me you slept with her again. Did you? You didn't. Right? You're joking. Yeah.
Mitchell : Okay. Um... I don't know how to say this, or... or if I'm even right. I'm probably not. But, um, she was with a redheaded boy, about 8 years old, which is the same number of years since we...
Cameron : No!
Mitchell : And she said she'd only been married a year, and it would explain why she was so awkward with me, and...
Cameron : Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm-hmm.
Mitchell : No...
Cameron : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : I know. I know. It's crazy, but, Cam, I need to find out if he's mine.
Cameron : Mm.
Mitchell : Are you okay?
Cameron : Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't just tell your partner you may have a baby with someone else and expect him to go back to eating a delicious and inventive meal like it's nothing! Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : Okay, Cam, but even if he is mine, it doesn't change anything between us.
Cameron : Mitchell, I need to have my reaction. Mm! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Gloria : Jay! They order a cab. Are you happy now?
Jay : I'll be happy when I hear a trunk close.
Manny :Hey, mom. You want a drink of water?
Gloria : No, papi. Not right now.
Manny :You sure? You look thirsty.
Gloria : What's with you and the water today?
Manny :It's a dribble cup. You can't drink from it without spilling. I think it's going to make me very popular.
Gloria : Ay, papi, why do you need these things to make you popular? First the walking stick, then the business cards.
Jay : Are they gone yet?
Gloria : Why did you talk to them like that?
Jay : What? I was just being honest. They're boring as hell!
Gloria : Quiet! They can hear you!
Jay : Oh, he probably already heard me. His hobby is listening.
Gloria : Jay, you don't treat people like that.
Jay : What? I should do what you do? Pretend to like someone you don't?
Gloria : I'm doing it right now.
Jay : Can I tell you something, Gloria? When you reach a certain age, you want to spend what precious little time you have left with people you actually like, not some bozos who glommed onto you.
Manny :Tell me about it. I've got a clingy fifth grader I can't shake.
Jay : See, even Manny knows.
Manny :I got your back, Jay. Thirsty?
Gloria : Manny, go to sleep.
Jay : Can we just please forget about this now?
Gloria : And the worst thing is that you sold me out without warning and made me look like a fool. Husband and wife are supposed to help each other, not throw each other under the bus! I would never do that to you!
Jay : Gloria... Gloria, wait! Could you get my book for me? I left it downstairs.
Mrs. Hoffman : There you are. Our cab is here.
Gloria : I am so sorry.
Mr. Hoffman : Not your fault. Well, goodbye.
Gloria : Ay, wait. You left this.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, no, that's... for you.
Gloria : Oh.
Mrs. Hoffman : In Cabo, you mentioned you were a fan of Gabriel García Márquez. So, we tracked him down and got him to sign a copy of "One hundred years of solitude" for you.
Gloria : That's amazing.
Mrs. Hoffman : Well...
Gloria : No, no. Don't go. I really want you to spend the night here.
Mr. Hoffman : Jay clearly doesn't.
Gloria : Jay doesn't know what he wants. I don't like to tell this to people, but, uh... Jay's mind is... going away.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, my God. No.
Gloria : He's so old, some nights it's like... he's not even here.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh... Gloria, honey. Ah.
Mr. Hoffman : That's it. We're not going anywhere. Come on.
Mitchell : Hey. You never came to bed.
Cameron : I fell asleep in the den.
Mitchell : Cam, we need to talk about...
Cameron : Mitchell, wait. Listen. I was up all night, thinking about it. And here's the thing. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living with someone and raising a beautiful baby girl, I would have said you were crazy. But here we are. And you and Lily are the best things that have ever happened to me. So if you're telling me there's another kid, how can that be anything but good?
Mitchell : Oh, Cam, that's... that means so...
Cameron : No, it's okay.
Mitchell : No, I need to have my reaction.
Cameron : We're gonna be okay.
Mitchell : Yeah.
Cameron : So what do we do now?
Mitchell : I don't know. I guess I'm gonna have to... I'm gonna have to call Tracy and tell her that we need to talk. Okay. Um...
Cameron : Are you nervous?
Mitchell : I'm terrified. Yes. I mean, what's this kid gonna think of me? I've been absent for the first eight years of his life. I mean, how do you make up for time like that when...
Cameron : Okay, slow down. You're spinning out. It's probably just a false alarm.
Mitchell : No, you're right. This could be my "going bald" scare all over again.
Cameron : Yeah. And we know how that turned out.
Claire : Honey. What would happen if the greatest scientists on earth got together to mate nature's two most violent predators?
Phil : Are we talking about "Croctopus" in 3-D?
Claire : At 2:10.
Phil : Book it!
Phil : Claire and I share a true love of cheesy cinema. Um, our favorite categories include genetically engineered animals gone wrong...
Claire : Old and young people switching bodies.
Phil : Mm. Uh, tough guys taking care of babies.
Claire : Any sequel three and higher.
Phil : Oh, yeah. Usually get a new cast around five... That's where the magic really happens.
Claire : Yeah. Yeah.
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : Mm! Hey, honey, how'd your test go?
Alex : Second highest in the class.
Claire : Hey. Well, that's great.
Alex : Sanjay Patel edged me out by 12 points.
Phil : Oh, honey, who cares what she did?
Alex : It's a he! Sanjay is a very common Indian boy's name. There are like millions of them.
Claire : Sweetheart, it's still a great score. I hope you're not beating yourself up.
Alex : I'm not.
Phil : That's our girl.
Alex : Sanjay's dad's a surgeon. His mom's a professor. I can't compete with that. I'll just have to do the best I can with what I was given.
Phil : Good for you!
Claire : We're proud of you, honey.
Phil : She's such a good kid.
Claire : Yeah, she is. Did she just say she was gonna do the best with what she was given?
Phil : I don't know. I was still thinking about all the Sanjays. I don't know any, but I know three Miltons.
Claire : She's saying we're stupid!
Phil : Well, she's... wrong.
Claire : Is she? Honey, look at how long it just took us to figure out that she's insulting us. Are we holding our kids back?
Phil : No. We're both bright people.
Claire : Yeah.
Phil : We're college graduates. We read. I'd go so far as to say we're as intellectual and sophisticated as... Sweet! "Croctopus" tickets confirmed!
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, I just think that we should offer to take Manny. Maybe for a weekend. Something.
Manny :Hey, guys.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, hey, Manny.
Mr. Hoffman : Hey, Manny.
Gloria : Where are you going?
Jay : Got a golf lesson. My swing's a mess. Manny's coming with me.
Gloria : No, you can't go downstairs now. You'll run into the Hoffmans.
Jay : Actually, I want to talk to them, because I've been thinking about what you said last night, and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You're right. You never would have done that to me.
Gloria : I forgive you!
Jay : So I'll say goodbye.
Gloria : No, Jay. Don't do that. First they think you like them. Then they think you don't like them. Don't confuse them.
Jay : I want to do this for you.
Gloria : Jay, wait!
Jay : It's okay.
Gloria : Ay, Jay, wait!
Mrs. Hoffman : So, hey, how... how are you handling things, you know, with Jay?
Manny :What do you mean?
Mrs. Hoffman : Honey, your mom told us that Jay's, you know, a little off his game.
Manny :A little? It's hard to watch.
Mrs. Hoffman : It must be so frustrating for him.
Manny :Well, he does swear a lot. You know, the worst is when he goes off into the woods. Oh, and when he drives... Oh, my God. Look out. I'm surprised he hasn't killed anybody yet!
Jay : Hey! I'm so glad you guys are still here. I just want to say... sorry for last night.
Mrs. Hoffman : It's okay. We understand.
Gloria : Ay, you see? Problem is solved. Now go. You're going to be late.
Jay : There's nothing wrong with you guys. You know, it's... it's me.
Mrs. Hoffman : Oh, we know.
Mr. Hoffman : We went through the same thing with Steph's father.
Jay : Now I'm confused.
Mrs. Hoffman : I'm Steph.
Manny :Uh, here, Jay. I poured you a glass of orange juice.
Jay : Thanks, kid. What the hell? What's wrong with me?!
Manny :It's always funny.
Gloria : Jay, go change. I'll be there in one second.
Mr. Hoffman : Maybe we should get going.
Jay : Well, at least let me drive you to the airport.
Mrs. Hoffman : No, no. No, no, no.
Mr. Hoffman : Oh, no, no, no. We'll call a cab.
Claire : Honey, do you want popcorn or anything?
Phil : No, I'm good...'N' plenty. So hold your water 'cause I've got some "twix" up my sleeve.
Claire : You may be cool, but I'm... wine cooler.
Phil : I love us. Thank you.
Mr. Patel : Well, hello, Dunphy!
Claire : Hey!
Phil : Hey! Who is that?
Claire : It's the Patels, Sanjay's parents.
Mr. Patel : Hey. Hey, how are you?
Claire : I heard Sanjay did so well on his test today.
Mrs. Patel : Oh, yes, we're very proud of him.
Claire : Wow. Indeed. Yeah. Yeah.
Mr. Patel : Are you here to see "Deux Jour de la Vie"?
Claire : Well, we're not here to see "Croctopus"!
Mrs. Patel : Forgive Vish if you hear him groan. He gets annoyed if the subtitles are mistranslated.
Phil : Well, that makes "deux" of us.
Mr. Patel : I guess we'll... see you in there.
Phil : All right.
Claire : You bet.
Phil : See you in there!
Claire : Phil, where are you going?!
Phil : "Croctopus".
Claire : Honey. Honey! I think we should go see this movie.
Phil : Why do I have to watch a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong.
Claire : Well, maybe Alex has a point. How can we encourage our kids to have intellectual curiosity when we don't have any?
Phil : I don't know. It's two hours of our life. Fine. For our kids. Sometimes I hate the kids.
Claire : I know.
Phil : I'm so confused.
Claire : I'm not. I love this.
Phil : You do not. Name one thing you've liked about this.
Claire : I liked the scene with the old man on the beach.
Phil : That was a trailer for a different movie.
Claire : So he's not coming back?
Phil : No, he's not coming back, and I'm not coming back, either!
Claire : Some of us are trying to enjoy this film.
Phil : While Claire watched one of the most highly acclaimed films of the year, I sat through a badly made schlockfest with absolutely no redeeming value. And it was awesome.
Phil : Oh, my God. It feels like I have ink on me!
Phil : Sweetheart... Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Claire : What?
Phil : Honey...
Claire : Oh, my God. I fell asleep. I missed it.
Phil : Yeah, let's go home.
Claire : I can't believe I fell asleep and you left. Alex is right... we're idiots.
Phil : Claire, stop it. Look... Our kid got the second-best grade in the class. Dumb parents don't make kids that smart. She got the best of both of us.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : Kind of like if you combined the jaw strength of a crocodile and the ink-spraying capabilities of an octopus. You'd end up with something unstoppable.
Claire : But they did stop him in the end, didn't they?
Phil : "Her". And she laid eggs.
Claire : Croctopi.
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : Ohh.
Phil : Hey. Hey. Check out Einstein over there.
Claire : Well, that's just sad. Hey, Vish. You just do this.
Mr. Patel : Thank you. So, did you enjoy the film?
Claire : Not in the least.
Phil : I actually found it quite two-dimensional.
Claire : Hmm.
Phil : Hmm. Well, lovely to see you.
Mr. Patel : Good to see you, too.
Phil : All right.
Mr. Patel : Bye.
Phil : Bye. After you, doctor.
Claire : After you, professor.
Tracy : Mitchell, Cameron. Come on in.
Mitchell : Hi. Um, so... W... we need to talk.
Tracy : About what?
Mitchell : Do you mind if we sit down?
Tracy : Please.
Mitchell : Um, Tracy, I... I have something to say, and I'm afraid that if I just don't say it all at once, I'm never gonna say it. So...
Tracy : Ohh. This takes me back to prom night.
Mitchell : Again... sorry about that. Anyway, uh, I saw you yesterday across the mall after we spoke and couldn't help but notice that you weren't alone. Uh, you were with... I don't even know how to put this.
Tracy : His name... is Bobby.
Mitchell : Bobby.
Cameron ; Such a lovely name.
Mitchell : Tracy... I... is he...?
Tracy : Yes, Mitchell. He is.
Mitchell : Oh, my God. Oh... Okay. Um... Why didn't you tell me?
Tracy : Mitchell, you and I don't have a relationship anymore. I called you after our little... visit to the nurse's room. You never returned any of my calls.
Mitchell : I... I was freaked out, Tracy, and I...
Cameron : Hey, let's not rehash the past... but rather, focus on the future.
Mitchell : Yes, yes. Yes, Cam and I, um, want to know if you're open... to us... getting to know Bobby.
Tracy : I don't think that's a very good idea.
Mitchell : Okay, I understand. No, it might be a little awkward at first, but I think after some time...
Cameron : We brought him a present.
Tracy : For Bobby?
Mitchell : Please, we just... we really just want to meet him.
Tracy : Fine. Okay. Bobby? Could you come out here?
Bobby : Hey, honey. What's up?
Tracy : Hi. I wanted to introduce you to Mitchell and Cameron. This is my husband.
Bobby : Hey. How ya doin'?
Mitchell : Hey, what's up, dude?
Bobby : How ya doin'?
Mitchell : Good. Nice to meet you. Yeah. Hi. Cameron.
Bobby : Hi, there. Yeah. So, uh, how do you know Tracy?
Mitchell : Um, uh, how... uh, we, um...
Tracy : Mitchell took me to the prom.
Cameron : The prom.
Bobby : Oh, a redhead. You really have a type, don't you?
Tracy : They got you a present?
Mitchell : Oh... it's not...
Cameron : You don't need to...
Mitchell : I wouldn't even...
Cameron : You don't...
Bobby : "Li'l slugger"?
Cameron : I'm just gonna go and let you two catch up.
Mitchell : So... 'Sup?
Jay : I never realized that you ever had sex with a girl.
Mitchell : Oh, yeah. Yeah. I kind of got around back then, actually.
Jay : More than one?
Mitchell : Please.
Jay : Well, there was Tracy. Who else?
Mitchell : Uh, Betty Rizzo.
Jay : Don't remember her.
Mitchell : Eliza Doolittle? Nellie Forbush?
Jay : These were classmates?
Mitchell : Well, s... s... some were older. S... some were younger. Uh, Liesel and Gretel Von Trapp. Sisters, obviously... too far?
Jay : I'm not an idiot. You played that record night and day. Why would you tell me a thing like that?
Mitchell : I just...
