Claire : How come we don't have the same number of containers and lids? Why would they ever get separated?
Phil : Built-up resentment, money issues, met a younger lid. Huh?
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Alex : Mom, where's my science homework?
Claire : Uh, it's over there on the table. So, Alex, honey, what's going on? Anything exciting?
Alex : No.
Claire : Any boys?
Alex : No.
Claire : I'm feeling a little bit disconnected from Alex right now. Last week, I picked up her cellphone, thinking it was mine, and I accidentally read a few flirty text messages that were probably from a boy in her class, which is fine. Or they're from a drifter.
Claire : Come on, isn't there something you want to share with your mommers?
Alex : Yeah. Don't call yourself "mommers."
Phil : He blew his lid when she tried to contain him.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Okay. What do you think?
Mitchell : I like it.
Cameron : But you don't love it.
Mitchell : No, I do. I love it.
Cameron : As much as you loved the other one?
Mitchell : Ooh.
Cameron : Okay. Mm. The house is on fire. I only have time to grab one shirt. Which one do I take?
Mitchell : The correct answer is take Lily.
Cameron : After that.
Mitchell : Uh, okay, the blue one.
Cameron : Because the gray one washes me out.
Mitchell : No, no. Cam, you... you can't go wrong here. Everything you've tried on looks great. I love you in both of them.
Cameron : Oh, you're so nice to me.
Cameron : Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. Um, I remember once at a new year's Eve party, Stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that... One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.
Jay : I'm home! Mmm, what smells so good?
Gloria : I'm making chunchullo, a traditional Colombian dish, for dinner with the family tonight. Chunchullo.
Jay : What is that... like, uh, tacos?
Gloria : Yes, like tacos.
Manny : No, it isn't. It's the small intestine of a pig.
Jay : Oh, geez. Why can't we eat regular food like normal people?
Gloria : I told you, Jay. My grandmother, who rests in peace, has been coming to me in my dreams, telling me that I'm losing touch with my roots.
Jay : See, this is awkward, Because my dead uncle Joe told me to have steak tonight.
Gloria : No, no, no, Jay. Have some respect. My grandmother can hear you.
Manny : What do you mean, she can hear us?
Gloria : Well, in our culture, we believe that the dead are all around us.
Jay : She's right, Manny. She could be right here, her bony fingers reaching out from the grave.
Gloria : Yeah, keep it up, Jay. There's already one dead person in this room. You want to make it two?
Jay : I'm sorry. I've got a printer to install. Oh, Gloria, have your grandmother run me up an iced tea in about 10 minutes.
Gloria : Yeah, she has a better chance of making that work than you! Why don't you save us the stomping and the swearing and call Phil? He's good at that stuff.
Jay : Better than me? Phil's not better than me at anything, Except maybe making that stupid sound with his mouth.
Jay : You spit on me.
Claire : Haley, honey, um, I need you to do something for me.
Haley : Ugh. Mom, my arm hurts.
Claire : Why don't you find out what it is before you start making up excuses to get out of it?
Haley : okay, what is it?
Claire : I need you to talk to your sister. I think that there's something going on with her and a boy.
Haley : So?
Claire : So, I am your mother, and it is my job to make sure that you girls don't get involved with a predator.
Haley : Okay, mom, stop watching "dateline." And why can't you just talk to her?
Claire : I have tried to talk to her. I... she won't talk to me. You know that.
Haley : That's because you get so weird every time a boy comes near us.
Claire : I-I just don't want you girls to...
Haley : To make the same mistakes that you did?
Claire : No! No.
Haley : Mom, I'm not an idiot. I pick up on things. And I don't think that you were the good girl you pretend you were.
Claire : Wow. That is so untrue. I was a very good girl.
Claire : Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, And they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, But better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil : Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire : That's the opposite of what I just said.
Phil : I was not listening.
Mitchell : Ohh. I'll say it again... I love you in Paisley.
Cameron : Oh, let me lock the door and draw the curtains.
Mitchell : What does that mean?
Cameron : It doesn't mean anything. Good. You know exactly what it means. You won't kiss me in front of other people because you're ashamed of who you are. And, yes...I went there.
Mitchell : Okay, you can't say, "yes, I went there," When you go there all the time. And, by the way, I'm the one who makes speeches on airplanes every time someone looks at us weird. I'm the one who gives my dad hell when he refers to you as my "friend."
Cameron : That's different. That's confrontation. But you know what takes real strength?
Mitchell : Whining?
Cameron : Affection.
Mitchell : Oh, this is insane. Buying a shirt... it's not a kiss-worthy moment.
Cameron : Oh, I didn't know there was an official list. Please, tell us... what is on the list?
Mitchell : I'll tell you what's not on the list... Finding jalapeño-stuffed olives, making the light on maple, every time we see a v.W.
Cameron : You don't like "kiss-buggy"?
Mitchell : It's not a real game! It... it's just another way for you to be needy. I... and I don't appreciate you making me feel bad because I can't live up to your impossible standards. Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
Cameron : I almost got a turkey!
Phil : "yello"? Oh, hey, jay. Just a sec. I'll go get Claire.
Jay : Oh, actually, it's you I'm calling. What was that?
Phil : The cat. There's a cat. What's up?
Jay : Well, Gloria's been missing her grandmother. I've been trying to get this old picture of her printed, But I can't get this new printer to...
Phil : I'll be right there. Luke, grandpa needs us!
Phil : Hells yes, I was glad to get the call. Jay's always around here fixing things, Cracking jokes about my "delicate hands" or my gag response to the smell of paint. Look who needs me now... Mr. Hot-dog fingers who can't press "print" Without hitting three extra keys. Yeah! You're in my house now, Jay! T-technically, we'll be in his house, But we'll be in my area... of his house.
Haley : So, I hear you have a boyfriend.
Alex : No, I don't.
Haley : Who is he?
Alex : I'm not talking to you about this.
Haley : Oh, come on. You're finally interesting. Just tell me.
Alex : He's not my boyfriend. It's Jeremy Reed. It's... he's just this boy that I...
Haley : Love?
Alex : No!
Haley : Well, have you guys kissed yet?
Alex : No!
Haley : Well, what are you waiting for?
Alex : I'm not waiting. I'm 13.
Haley : And you've never kiss a boy?
Alex : How old were you?
Haley : Like 11. And it was beautiful. I was in Jackson Kaner's carpeted garage.
Alex : 11?
Haley : Yeah. So you better get on it, or else he's gonna think you're a lesbian.
Alex : He's not going to think I'm a lesbian.
Haley : I thought you were. You totally have the sandals for it.
Phil : Let's see this bad boy. Oh, a p-750. Nice unit. I would have sprung for the 840, But I get it... Not everyone can handle that kind of horsepower.
Jay : I thought maybe the cordless phone was interfering, So I unplugged it.
Phil : Good idea. Maybe we should run downstairs and unplug the toaster while we're at it.
Luke : oh, snap, dad. Toaster.
Phil : We're kidding. A cordless phone is 5.8 gigahertz. This is wi-fi. It's a totally different spectrum. Walk with me? Here's a little trick that I've found pretty useful with Claire. * the computer and the printer must talk, talk, talk * "command-p" makes the picture walk, walk, walk *
Luke : How come it's not working?
Phil : It should be. Okay. Uh, that should be printing. So...
Jay : Hey, Phil, I'm gonna get a beer, beer, beer before I hit you in the head, head, head.
Jeremy : Hey. What are you doing here?
Alex : Hi, Jeremy. I want to ask you something.
Jeremy : Sure, ask...
Alex : wait, don't talk yet. We've texting for a while, and it's been nice, But I feel like it's leading to something else, And I don't know if you do or not, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking for him to like her. Oh, god, that's from "Notting hill." So dorky. but a really underrated movie.
Jeremy : What's happening?
Alex : I'm not a lesbian. I would like for you to kiss me.
Jay : Oh, I love watching you stir.
Gloria : Then I will stop.
Jay : What? Are you still mad at me?
Gloria : Yes. You have to apologize for making fun of my culture, my beliefs, my chunchullo, my abuela.
Jay : I'm sorry. If you think your grandmother's here with us, I respect that. Now, come here. Oh, grandma! Where'd you come from? We're gonna have to get you a little bell.
Gloria : Enough, Jay! My culture is very important to me! I've been working all day to share it with your family tonight, and all you do is mock me! Just go!
Jay : Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you.
Gloria : Instead of being the comedian, why don't you help me?
Jay : What do you need?
Gloria : Slap the chicken.
Jay : Do what?
Gloria : In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the departed, You have to scare death away from the food to protect the people that are gonna eat it. Slap it and yell.
Jay : That's the nuttiest...
Gloria : Jay!
Jay : Calm down. Give me the chicken. Here we go.
Gloria : Mm-hmm. That's not scaring anything away. When my grand-mother used to cook, The whole house would she.
Jay : Aah! Aah! Aah!
Gloria : Louder.
Jay : Aah!
Gloria : Higher. Louder! Higher! Louder! There!
Gloria : I made all that up. That is not a real custom in Colombia. We're not lunatics. but you mess with us, and we mess with you. That's the custom.
Gloria : Louder!
Claire : Hey, honey. Where'd you go?
Alex : Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.
Haley : Oh, my god! Puh-lease tell me this text is wrong! Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?!
Claire : Alex, did you do that?
Alex : You got a text?
Haley : Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?
Alex : This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!
Claire : Haley! Did you say that to her?!
Haley : Oh, don't turn this on me. Look at her shoes!
Alex : Ugh! I'm never going back to school now.
Claire : No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me... Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean that you have to text him back...
Alex : what?! You read my texts?!
Claire : I...
Haley : You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!
Alex : You made her talk to me?!
Claire : I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.
Alex : Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!
Haley : Were you?
Claire : Ohh.
Haley : Were you?! I highly doubt it!
Luke : Don't be such a chicken, there's no ghost in here.
Manny : I'm telling you, my mom said her dead grander was in the house. She said she felt her here this morning... in this room.
Luke : Maybe your mom's mentally ill.
Phil : who puts a router... in the attic?
Luke : Did she have a limp and a cane?
Manny : Uh-huh.
Luke : Ghost of Manny's great-grandma, If that's really you, show yourself!
Manny : That's her!
Luke : Aah!
Phil : Come on! Why?! Why?!!
Haley : Hi, grandpa.
Jay : How we doing, girls?
Alex : Mom ruined my life today.
Claire : I didn't ruin your life. I was....
Alex : Don't even talk to me! I didn't even want to come here.
Jay : Well, okay. Snacks and sodas are in the living room, but don't fill up... we've got intestines coming.
Claire : Uh, dad, if you're looking for your shoes, I think I know where they are.
Jay : This happens to be a Colombian custom... walking in the footsteps of the ancestors, blah, blah, blah. Beats slapping the chicken.
Cameron : Here, I brought you a drink.
Mitchell : Oh, wait a minute... sip it first.
Cameron : I'm not mad at you. I thought about it, and maybe you're right. I can be a little needy sometimes.
Mitchell : Oh, well, I-I appreciate that. And you're probably not entirely off base. I mean, lord knows I-I've got my quirks. And I-I'm not the most demonstrative guy around, But I'm... I'm working on it.
Cameron : And I'm gonna help you with it.
Mitchell : Good. Just don't give up on me.
Cameron : Never.
Gloria : Okay, everybody, let's gather around! Jay, come here. Tonight we dine on the traditional Colombian recipes of my abuela, my grandmother. And even though she's no longer with me, I am very happy because I have all of you. To Ana-Maria Rosa de la Immaculada Jimenez Morales.
All : To Ana-Maria Rosa...
Cameron : That was beautiful, Gloria, just like my Mitchell.
Mitchell : Just slipped right off there.
Gloria : Ay, Cameron, what happened? One moment you were there, the next, only shoes.
Cameron : I'll tell you what happened... Mitchell is embarrassed to kiss me in front of other people.
Mitchell : No, you ambushed me!
Claire : Oh, Cam, come on. Don't take it personally. When Mitchell was in high school, He was dating this girl... Robin Schier. He would never kiss her, either.
Mitchell : That's because I was gay.
Cameron : What's your excuse now?
Gloria : Ay, Cameron, it's not Mitch's fault. He gets it from his father. Jay doesn't like the lovey-dovey in public, either.
Jay : I can't believe you're coming at me right now. I'm standing here with shoes around my neck, And for the better part of a half-hour, I screamed the death out of your meat. Now, what do you want from me?
Gloria : Don't you see? It's because of you that your son cannot kiss his own lover.
Mitchell : Don't say "lover."
Cameron : we don't like "lover."
Jay : Can we just eat?
Claire : No. Tell Mitch that it's okay to kiss cam in front of you.
Jay : Why is that something we have to do?
Mitchell : We don't.
Cameron : Of course we don't.
Mitchell : Oh, I'm sorry that I don't want to make out with you in front of my whole family.
Jay : No need to apologize.
Claire : Oh, Gloria is right. Dad, you being so emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
Jay : Really?
Claire : Yes.
Jay : You had trouble showing affection in public places?
Claire : Yes!
Jay : You?
Claire : Yes.
Jay : Was that before or after you were delivered to my door in a squad car, Wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?
Haley : Oh, my god. What?
Alex : You were arrested?
Luke : Awesome!
Claire : Not awesome. And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.
Jay : It was just a joke. I got a million of 'em.
Claire : Dad.
Phil : I did it! It's printing! I had to download new firmware, install new drivers, Change your encryption, and replace an ethernet cable in a 100-degree attic, while dodging particularly aggressive spiders, But I did it!
Jay : Thanks.
Phil : Oh. Okay. I guess that's it.
Jay : What? What's it?
Gloria : Wake up, dummy. This is what we're talking about. This guy's been working like an imbecile all day for you. People need something else... kisses, hugs.
Jay : What, for fixing a printer?
Phil : Oh, it's fine. It was only four hours. I tipped over a paint can and threw up a little, but I think... I think "thanks" about covers it.
Jay : Well, what's wrong with "thanks"?
Claire : It's pretty much the bare minimum, dad.
Manny : Jay, for god's sakes, just say something.
Jay : You want me to say something? How about "you're welcome"? How about "I'm... I'm so happy to be here for you all so I can take the blame for all your crap." I can't do this, I never did that. Trust me, I gave you twice as much as my father ever gave me. The man kissed me one time in my entire life. He came up behind me, kissed me on the back of the head, Said, "goodnight, Becky." He thought I was my sister.
Gloria : Wait a minute. When was the last time you kissed Mitch?
Jay : What does that have to do with anything?
Gloria : Mitch, when was the last time he kissed you?
Mitchell : I-I don't remember.
Jay : It wasn't that long ago.
Mitchell : I was 12.
Gloria : 12? This is the problem! Jay's dad doesn't kiss Jay, So Jay doesn't kiss Mitch, and Mitch is uptight.
Mitchell : Okay, okay, "uptight" was really not on the table. This is more about kissing.
Gloria : Jay, kiss your son. He's a mess.
Jay : Oh, come on, now.
Mitchell : We don't have to do that. It's...
Gloria : Yes, you do.
Mitchell : No.
Claire : Come on. Come on, do it. You're in front of your grandchildren.
Jay : All right, all right! Shut up! Mitch, get over here.
Mitchell : W-what, now? Well, I feel weird now.
Jay : Don't be coy. What are you waiting for, a box of chocolates? Let's do this.
Cameron : That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Jay : All right, and now because I never want to hear this again... you.
Phil : Ohh.
Jay : Not you.
Claire : Oh, daddy, I love you.
Gloria : Let's go eat chunchullo!
Manny : You know it's made of pig intestines, right?
Claire : Alex, wait.
Alex : What?
Claire : I want to talk to you.
Alex : Mom, I don't want another lecture.
Claire : It's not a lecture. I want to tell you something. Honey, I know exactly how you're feeling.
Alex : No, you don't.
Claire : Okay, the... the joke that grandpa told tonight? That... that happened. That...that was true.
Alex : So, you were arrested naked?
Claire : I wasn't naked! And I was not arrested per se. I was driven home one night by the police because my boyfriend and I had gone swimming in somebody's pool, And we didn't have bathing suits and... blah, blah, blah, the details aren't important. What matters is that everybody at school was talking about it. And I thought I would die. But it passed. I swear. And now, honey, I'm... I'm glad it happened. I've got a funny story to tell at dinner parties.
Alex : So, how long did it take before you thought it was funny?
Claire : Oh, god... 10, 15 years.
Alex : Great. What do I do about tomorrow?
Claire : I don't think you have to worry about that. Go, go, go.
Gloria : In Colombia, we kiss for everything because a kiss can mean so many different things.
Manny : There's no ghost in here, is there?
Jay : Not a chance. Sleep easy, kid.
Gloria : It can be the start of something new. It can be how we say, "this is the person that I love."
Cameron : So who's a better kisser, me or your dad?
Mitchell : Ew.
Gloria : It can be romantic.
Jeremy : Just so you know, if my friends weren't there, I would've said yes. So, if you still want to...
Alex : If it's okay... maybe we should hang out more first. This is only the second conversation we've had that wasn't by text.
Jeremy : Whew!
Gloria : It can also be worth waiting for.
Gloria : Jay, what is this?
Jay : Just another nice thing I did for you while you made a fool of me. Manny let me in on your little tricks. You feel bad now?
Gloria : No. I feel good. Mm.
Gloria : That one is definitely my favorite.
Claire : Phil, you really don't have to do this.
Phil : No. I-I can do it. I want to do it. It's silly to pay someone else just to do something... Oh! Oh, no! Oh!
Claire : Oh, wait! No, no, don't spill it! Sweetie, don't spill that!
Phil : Oh! Oh, that's on me!
Claire : Careful! Oh, gosh! Oh! Okay, get up. You're fine. Get it off! Okay, I got it. I got it.
Phil : Got it off. Got it off. Oh, the face! Not the face! Oh, the face!
Claire : All right, I'll pull it down!
Phil : Ohh!
Claire : You're good!
Phil : It's on me.
Claire : All right, I'm gonna have to... I'll cut it off.
Phil : Good idea. Get a bucket, please!
