Haley : Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters?
Claire : It's just until grandma can see them.
Luke : My neck hole is too small.
Alex : Mine's itchy.
Luke : I'd rather be itchy than choky.
Claire : Come on, Phil. Hurry up.
Phil : Okay, here we go. Connecting. Come in, Florida! Over! Mom? Dad?
Frank : Hello, Phillip.
All: Merry Christmas eve!
Frank : Merry Christmas eve!
Phil : A little... little lower, dad.
Frank : Merry Christmas eve.
Claire : Thank you... thanks for the sweaters!
Frank : Oh, you're welcome. You look beautiful in them, darling.
Phil : Where's mom?
Frank : Mom is sinking fast. She's in the bathtub.
Phil : They have that claw foot. I know, yeah. Hey, pops, here's the tree. And, uh, there... there's the, uh... There's the ornament you sent us.
Claire : Right here. Right here.
Phil : There are the stockings, Hung by the chimney by Claire.
Frank : Oh, still funny, son.
Claire : What the hell is that? What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. Was one of you smoking a cigarette?
Kids : No.
Claire : Which one of you was smoking?
Phil : Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
Claire : Obviously, it wasn't you. Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
Frank : Honey, come here. You got to see this.
Claire : Did you shoplift your Christmas presents, too? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
Phil : Anyway... Merry christmas!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Jay : Are you crying?
Manny : What are you, a robot?
Jay : It's a deeply emotional movie.
Gloria : Manny, mi amor, I need you to help me in the kitchen.
Jay : We got to finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen "miracle on 34th street.
Gloria : That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia With my family. And all we see there is "salazar and el oso save Christmas."
Jay : Sounds like a classic.
Gloria : It is.
Manny : Mom, can we finish the movie?
Gloria : Okay.
Jay : Aah! What the hell is that? What the hell is that?
Manny : Inocente!
Jay : What the hell?
Manny : When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I got a joke copy from the internet. You are the inocente!
Jay : Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this inocente stuff?
Gloria : In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. The one that is fooled is the inocente!
Jay : We tell practical jokes on April fool's day. Do not do that again. Inocente. Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined.
Mitchell : Are you kidding me with this line? I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back.
Cameron : Oh, would you cheer up? We're in Santa's village with our daughter. Where were we a year ago?
Mitchell : Uh, we were at the beginning of this line.
Cameron : Okay, you know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday... Son of a bitch.
Mitchell : Maybe it's not them.
Cameron : Oh, it's them. It's them.
Cameron : Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. We were known as "the Greensleevers." We would perform at charity events, hospitals.
Mitchell : And they were very, very popular.
Cameron : Uh, last year... One of my carolers... Andrew... Staged a little coup... and, he, um...
Mitchell : They kicked Cameron out of the group.
Andrew : Thank you. We're the new Greensleevers.
Cameron : The new Greensleevers? Is there a slap mark on my face? I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? It's like people are applauding out of shock.
Mitchell : Let it go.
Elf : Okay, next.
Mitchell : Oh, finally. Whoa. Um, I'm sorry. Can I... could... could you... What happened to the other Santa? Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa.
Cameron : Mitchell, it's okay.
Mitchell : No, no, no, Cam. It's not okay. This is Lily's first Christmas. I want to make sure everything is perfect. And we're gonna wait for the fat Santa.
Elf : I knew this would happen. I-I don't even know why we hired this guy.
Mitchell : See? Even his elf agrees with me. Thank you.
Cameron : I didn't know Christmas made you so petty. Lackluster! I hate you!
Claire : This is unacceptable. And I want to know who did this. Hmm?
Phil : Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette, and then it burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Claire : If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, Your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
Alex : What?
Claire : Yeah.
Luke : That's not fair.
Phil : I can forgive the smoking, But I can't forgive the lie...
Claire : Phil.
Phil : Or the smoking. No one wants to confess, huh? No? That's fine. 'cause you know what happens next? We cancel Christmas.
Luke: That's not fair.
Alex : Okay, dad, sure.
Claire : Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil : One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire : Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil : We had no more dishes, So we were eating cereals out of the goldfish bowl.
Phil : Okay, Guess where I'm headed. To take down the tree. That's right.
Claire : Come on, guys. Whoever did is, just take responsibility. Don't put the rest of us through this. Luke? No?
Phil : This is really it, okay? Here we go. 3...2...1... Okay. Goodbye, Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley : I was getting a car?!
Phil : No, I was lying, because that's what we do now. Dunphys are liars.
Cameron : When I was in charge, it was all about music. I mean, what's with them tossing out candy canes after every carol?
Mitchell : It's pandering. I think you made that clear when you tossed them back.
Cameron : Okay, how am I supposed to get all this in the car?
Santa/Scott : Let me give you a hand with that.
Cameron : Uh, thanks. Thanks... thanks, Santa.
Santa/Scott : Can't call me that anymore. Just got canned.
Mitchell : Oh. Really?
Santa/Scott : Guess a couple of people complained I wasn't fat enough.
Cameron : Well, that's terrible.
Santa/Scott : That's what I get for trying not to have a second heart attack. There you go. Always a way to make room. Take it from someone who lives in his car.
Mitchell : Um...Oh, well, thank you so much.
Santa/Scott : No problem. Merry Christmas.
Mitchell : Um, wait, wait. Um, please, let me give you a little something. For... for your troubles.
Santa/Scott : No, that's okay. No, really, that's okay.
Cameron : Do you really live in your car?
Santa/Scott : Yeah, it's not so bad. It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out. Well...
Cameron : Why don't you come over to our place for dinner tonight?
Santa/Scott : Seriously?
Cameron : Yeah, it's Christmas eve. You... you can't spend it in your car.
Santa/Scott : Wow, that's really nice of you guys. Listen, can I bring anything? Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?
Cameron : We're good.
Mitchell : So, uh, why don't you follow us to our house?
Santa/Scott : Okay. In your house. All right.
Mitchell : Cameron.
Cameron : What?
Jay : Okay, tonight 9:00 sharp, we open one present each... Pajamas, which we sleep in. Tomorrow morning, 7:00 A.M., Manny on the stairs for the Christmas picture. Then we open presents.
Manny : In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning.
Jay : I'm sure that they do, But as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, We are not in Colombia. Come on, I'm kidding.
Gloria : Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian traditions in?
Jay : Like what?
Manny : Like fireworks.
Jay : Come on, you don't have fireworks in Colombia. You're trying to make me the inocente again.
Gloria : No, we do. At night, the sky is beautiful, very Christmasy.
Jay : That doesn't make any sense.
Gloria : Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby jesus is the one that brings the gifts, Not the Santa Claus.
Jay : But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny : At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay : How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it. Manny, next year, we'll talk about some of your little Colombian traditions, okay? Maybe.
Manny : I know what "maybe" means. It's like you're trying to take away my whole Christmas.
Haley : I can't believe it's all gone. Dad never follows through.
Alex : Are you sure one of your friends didn't burn the couch?
Haley : Hey, don't look at me. Only one of us was ever caught playing with matches. Luke.
Luke : That was a year ago. Just admit you did it.
Haley : You admit you did it!
Alex : Okay. Look, I have an idea. Do you remember the movie "Spartacus"? Here's what we do... Luke, you tell mom and dad it's your fault.
Luke : I didn't do it.
Alex : It doesn't matter, because after you confess, Haley and I will each confess to the same thing.
Haley : How does that do anything?
Alex : They'll be so touched that we're protecting each other that they'll have to bring back Christmas.
Luke : That's awesome. How does it work again?
Claire : We're gonna pass into legend... The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil : I thought you'd be happy.
Claire : They'll write songs about us, Make one of those Christmas specials With those ugly little clay people.
Phil : You're the one who always says I shouldn't be a pushover with the kids.
Claire : So this is where you decide to make your stand?
Phil : Okay, okay, look, don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. We raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come forward... Or the other two will rat them out.
Luke : Mom? Dad?
Phil : Hey, Luke. What... what can we do for you?
Luke : I did it. I was playing with matches. I'm sorry.
Phil : You, uh... You did the right thing by confessing, But, um... This is bad, buddy. I mean, really bad, okay? Claire, you want to handle this?
Claire : Um, Luke, why didn't you say something?
Luke : Mm...I don't know. Okay, well, your father and I are extremely disappointed in you. So go up to your room. Go on.
Luke : Alex!
Claire : We'll be up to talk to you in a minute.
Luke : Haley!
Haley : What?
Luke : Say something!
Alex : About what?
Luke : I take it back!
Claire : What is going on?
Luke : These guys were gonna say they did it, too, And you were gonna be proud of all of us.
Haley : Why would we do that?
Alex : I don't know what to believe with this kid.
Luke : Liars! I didn't do it!
Haley : Well, it wasn't me.
Alex : Don't look at me.
Claire : Seriously?
Phil : Wait. Nobody did it again? No, that's fine. Guess what... Christmas is still canceled. That's fine by me. I'll start working on next year. Hey, and memo to New Year's eve and Easter... Watch your back!
Santa/Scott : So, after I left the marines, I just kind of traveled the world. Now I go from town to town picking up odd jobs.
Cameron : Oh, kind of like the Hulk.
Santa/Scott : that's weird. That was my... that was my nickname in the corps. 'cause of my bad temper. Anyway, thanks for having me over and having me for dinner, letting me do my laundry. This has not been a good day.
Mitchell : Um, Scott, I-I have a confession to make.
Santa/Scott : Yeah?
Mitchell : Um... I didn't cl.. I didn't clean the lint tray, So, um, your clothes might be a little pilly.
Santa/Scott : Oh, no problem. That's the least of my worries. Thanks for everything. You guys made my day.
Cameron : It's the least we could do.
Santa/Scott : What do you mean?
Cameron : I don't know... what I was saying. I-I just say we never tell him.
Mitchell : Exactly. We give him some money, a hot al, laundry. I think we're square.
Cameron : Agreed.
Mitchell : Okay, how does this thing work?
Cameron : Yeah, I think you just press that button right there in the middle.
Mitchell : Yeah. Oh, my... Okay, that... well, that seems a little high, doesn't it?
Cameron : Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in.
Jay: Ho, ho, ho! It's me! Ho, ho, ho! It's me!
Cameron : It's your dad.
Mitchell : Yeah. Hey, dad. Hi.
Jay : Hey! I brought your presents.
Cameron : Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, jay?
Jay : Well, these are your Christmas eve gifts. You know the drill.
Mitchell : Oh, yeah.
Jay : You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas.
Mitchell : Still keeping traditions alive.
Jay : Well, someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into cinco de mayo.
Mitchell : You know that's Mexican, right?
Jay : Ah, burrito, bur-right-o. Christmas should be Christmas. Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again, I can have Christmas the way we used to.
Cameron : I hear you, Jay. If I was home right now, I'd be mixing up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I miss that?
Mitchell : Do you?
Cameron : The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, But now I have the perfect opportunity to create new memories with my new family that are gonna be just as special someday.
Mitchell : Cam's right. We create new traditions every year.
Santa/Scott : So...Who's ready to try the swing?
Gloria : Now, remind me, we put this into the oven first thing tomorrow 'cause Jay wants to eat at 3:00. Ay, Manny. Did you put this spider in the fridge?
Manny : Oh, yeah. Inocente.
Gloria : Oh, papi, what's wrong?
Manny : I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up.
Gloria : Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. And he just wants to re-create them with you.
Manny : So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay Would be Christmas like he used to have it?
Gloria : You're such a beautiful boy. One day, you're gonna grow up and I'm gonna miss all the things that you used to do as a little boy.
Manny : Okay, but if this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we're going to have a big problem.
Phil : Honey?
Claire : Hmm?
Phil : Would it really be so bad to back down?
Claire : And have the kids never take any of our threats seriously again?
Phil : Yeah.
Claire : Mm.
Phil : Or the kids could realize that we're making a supreme sacrifice by giving up our power to save their Christmas.
Claire : Which would, in a way, be the greatest gift that we could ever give them.
Phil : And which would paradoxically make them respect us even more.
Claire : Mm...
Phil : Okay, forget that. Go back one.
Alex : Hey, guys. It was me.
Claire : What?
Phil : What?
Alex : I found a cigarette at school, And when no one was home, I...I tried it, And... I-I guess I held it too close to the couch. I'm so sorry. You can take my Christmas away, But don't take I from everyone else.
Phil : That is very noble of you to care about the family, but you still smoked and lied. That's really bad. Now help me grab the tree.
Claire : Phil, Phil. Alex, come on back. Starting December 26th, you are grounded for a full week, and that includes New Year's eve.
Alex : But I was g...
Claire : no, nonnegotiable, so...
Phil: Mm.
Claire : Yeah.
Alex : Fine.
Phil : Everybody! It's official! Christmas is back on!
Luke : It is? What happened?
Phil : Doesn't matter! Stockings, lights, ornaments, wreath! Go, go, go!
Luke : Okay!
Cameron : Um, that sounds like a stressful job to me.
Santa/Scott : Mm, not as much as you'd think. They always made sure one of us had a blank so nobody knew who took the fatal shot. This was mighty tasty. Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome Or you won't have me back. You guys enjoy the rest of your night. You're good people.
Mitchell : Scott, wait. Wait. Don't forget your laundry.
Santa/Scott : Oh, thanks. Thanks, thanks, thanks. Merry Christmas.
Cameron : Scott, merry Christmas to... to you, too, and happy... Son of a bitch!
Santa/Scott : What?
Mitchell : Oh, it's the new Greensleevers. They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year.
Cameron : I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, but to... to rub my nose in it? I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Santa/Scott : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know it feels good to get even, believe me, to see the fear in a man's eyes is... But there's something that feels even better... forgiveness.
Cameron : Scott, you don't understand. This... this group was my "Dreamgirls." I was Effie.
Santa/Scott : Do you know what the best thing I did all day was? Forgiving you for getting me fired.
Cameron : Andrew. Ensemble. I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. And I... I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. And...Merry Christmas.
Andrew : Wow. Even your apology is off-key.
Santa/Scott : Not cool, buddy.
Everyone : Ooh! Ooh!
Cameron : But... but... but what about... what about forgiveness?
Santa/Scott : You were nice. He was naughty.
Gloria : Where were you for so long?
Jay : Just a little last-minute shopping. What's this?
Manny : Buñuelos.
Jay : Who? What?
Gloria : Cheese fritters. It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food.
Jay : Okay, new rule : from now on, we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. We do American things when we're in America. That means no more of your food, no more of your music, And especially no more of your crazy holidays! Inocente!
Gloria : Jay!
Jay : What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes. You should see the look on your faces. And by the way, you know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas eve?
Gloria : Go, Manny. Thank you.
Phil : And here's another one for Luke. Looks like a book.
Luke : I have a book already.
Claire : What is that? Oh, my God, the couch is smoking.
Phil : Whoa.
Luke : Whoa.
Phil : It's sunlight.
Alex : It's the ornament.
Luke: Cool. It's like a magnifying glass.
Haley : Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in.
Claire : Oh, Haley.
Phil : Alex, why'd you take the blame?
Alex : I didn't want to lose Christmas.
Phil : That is so stinking beautiful. Get in here.
Luke : Bear hug!
Haley : You were going to take Christmas away for something that none of us did.
Phil : Well, um...Christmas is about moving forward.
Alex : I've never heard that.
Claire : Actually, honey, you did kind of shoot your mouth off.
Luke : You called us all liars.
Alex : Yeah, you did, and then you took away the biggest holiday...
Phil : I don't know. Let's... let's not all get worked up. I made a mistake. I made a mistake. And people make mistakes. And they make up for those mistakes...
Claire : Mm-hmm
Phil : ... by taking their family to Italy!
Haley: Oh, my god!
Kids : Yeah!
Jay : We talk a lot about tradition this time of year. But as much as we love our traditions, sometimes our best memories come from the times that are the most untraditional. We remember the year mom and dad went crazy. We remember the year Santa punched out the caroler. But for me, this was the year that the word "tradition" got a lot bigger.
Jay: There's Cam.
Manny : Aah!
Jay : Oh! You got me again.
