Phil : Fix that step. Morning.
Claire : I'm still sleeping.
Phil : Happy anniversary.
Claire : And they said we wouldn't last.
Phil : Who said that?
Claire : Oh, look at you. You're cute.
Phil : Go ahead. Open it.
Claire : What have you done?
Phil : Nothing. Something, nothing.
Claire : It's a View-Master.
Phil : Look inside.
Claire : Oh, it's us. Look at how young we are. Oh, God, that perm.
Phil : Yeah, it really framed my face.
Claire : Why is there a picture of a bracelet?
Phil : Must be some kind of a mistake.
Claire : What the heck is that? Oh, Phil, you didn't.
Phil : What? Did he? Did he?
Claire : It's beautiful. Oh, sweetie, I love it. Okay, your turn.
Phil : My turn? Where is it?
Claire : It's on the bureau.
Phil : I'm surprised I didn't see it. Where?
Claire : There, the red envelope.
Phil : It's a... card.
Claire : That's where you're wrong.
Phil : I am so excited. Coupons for... five... free... hugs.
Claire : You don't like it?
Phil : Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative. Coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.
Claire : I was so proud of myself when I thought of it because you're impossible to buy for. You never want anything.
Phil : Things I want... Robot dog, night-vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks. I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but... Yogurt maker. I can't not think of things I want.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Cameron : Can't tell if she needs a diaper change.
Mitchell : I think we'd be able to tell.
Cameron : No, with these diapers, it's hard to tell. Triple leakage protection.
Mitchell : Leaklock... contours to protect her little body.
Cameron : No gapping or chapping.
Mitchell : Do you think that maybe we need a...
Cameron : Night out? Yes.
Mitchell : Just a few hours with a couple of adults, a few drinks, no baby talk. I think, it'll make us better parents.
Cameron : Stop drilling. You've struck oil. We'll get Gloria to babysit. We're going out.
Mitchell : You got some spittle.
Cameron : Do I? You know who'd be fun to call? Sal.
Mitchell : Sal!
Cameron : Raise the roof, Lily. We're calling Sal.
Cameron : Sal is our very best friend in the whole wide world. The reason we love her so much is she has absolutely no inhibitions, and that's before she starts drinking. Hanging out with her is like an Amsterdam Saturday night every day of the week.
Mitchell : And, ironically, Sal's not allowed back into Amsterdam, any day of the week.
Gloria : Of course we would love to have the baby, all the other cousins are sleeping over tonight.
Jay : The more, the merrier.
Gloria : See you tonight. Bye-bye.
Manny : Is Haley still coming?
Jay : You're related. I will spray you with the hose.
Jay : All the grandkids are coming over for "Jay's night." Family tradition. Everybody wears PJ's, which they love. I make my famous Sloppy Jays, which are really Sloppy Joes, but made by Jay, which they love. And then we watch a western together, which they don't care for, but, hey, it's "Jay's night."
Haley : So, Mom, there's a party tonight at Andrew Adler's, and everybody's gonna be there.
Claire : Oooh, that sounds like so much fun, but I have other plans.
Haley : That's high-larious, but I'm talking about me.
Alex : That's unusual.
Claire : You said you'd go to your grandfather's.
Haley : That's what's so perfect about this. Andrew only lives a couple blocks away from Grandpa, so I figured...
Claire : Sweetie, you made a commitment.
Haley : But I really want to go. And plus, every time I go over to Grandpa's, Manny just stares at me the whole time.
Alex : Maybe if you wore a bra.
Claire : Alex...
Alex : What? I can't wait to go to Grandpa's. Family means everything to me.
Haley : Because you have no friends.
Alex : Because I love Grandpa, and he's getting older. Who knows how many years he has left?
Luke : Is Grandpa dying?
Alex : Didn't they tell you?
Claire : Alex, stop torturing your brother. No, your grandfather is fine.
Alex : For now.
Phil : Hmm, who could that be? You expecting someone special?
Claire : Thank you. Flowers, too?
Phil : I'm sorry.
Claire : What are you apologizing for? They're gorgeous.
Phil : It's too much, you know. With the View-Master and the bracelet and the flowers and the balloons.
Claire : : Balloons?
Phil : They're attached to your car. I just don't want you to feel bad about your little... coupons.
Claire : Wait. You thought the coupons were your only present? Are you kidding me?
Phil : They aren't?
Claire : Phil, come on. It's our anniversary. Those coupons were just like a fun, little way to kick off the day. Your real present is coming tonight, and you're gonna love it. Love it!
Phil : Cool!
Claire : I got nothing. I'm so screwed.
Cameron : This place brings back so many memories.
Sal : Get in here! Big bear! And my baby cub! Oh, my God! You guys!
Mitchell : Look at you!
Sal : You notice anything different?
Mitchell : Your hair's longer, right?
Cameron : Did you get your teeth bleached?
Sal : Let me give you a little hint. Ba-boobs!
Mitchell : Oh, my God! Those are sensational!
Sal : I know. Right? You want to touch 'em?
Mitchell : I'm gay, not dead. Are you okay with this?
Cameron : Yeah, you're drinking a passion-fruit daiquiri.
Sal : Ok, get in there good.
Mitchell : I'm coming in!
Jay : So, Lily likes that? That... singing?
Gloria : Yes. It relaxes her.
Jay : So Lily's deaf. There are my little stinkers!
Alex : Hi, grandpa.
Jay : Come on in.
Gloria : Hey!
Alex : Ola.
Gloria : Ola, ola!
Manny : Well, hello, there, Haley.
Jay : Take it down a notch, Jethro. So, you guys ready for some fun? What?
Luke : I love you, Grandpa, and I'm never gonna forget you.
Jay : Back at you, champ. This is a pajama party. Where's your PJ's?
Haley : They're in my bag. I need to talk to you about something.
Alex : She wants to go to a party with Dylan, Grandpa.
Haley : Shut up, Alex! It's at my friend Andrew Adler's. He lives three blocks from here.
Jay : Oh, walking distance.
Haley : Right. So I wouldn't ask you this, because I love coming to your house, but it's kind of an important party...
Jay : If somebody invites you over, the last thing you want to do is insult them.
Haley : Exactly!
Jay : I'm glad we agree.
Haley : Oh, my God, that was so easy. This is awesome
Alex : You really don't understand what just happened there, do you?
Jay : PJ's on, Haley!
Haley : What?
Manny : I would be happy to let her change in my room.
Claire : Who could that be? Are you expecting someone special?
Phil : What did you do?
Claire : Nothing. I just know that there's someone at the door.
Izzy : Rock on, Phil Dunphy.
Claire : Bam! Read it and weep, Phil! It's the Iz!
Phil : Who?
Claire : Izzy Lafontaine from Spandau Ballet.
Phil : Izzy Fontaine from Pa...
Izzy : He's got it now. He's got it. He's just seriously freaking out.
Claire : Phil loves Spandau Ballet. That song "True" was playing in the car the first time we kissed. It's our song. So I did some research, found out that the lead guitarist lives like 40 miles from here. He was in the phone book. How '80s is that?
Phil : I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?
Claire : Here to play a private concert for us is the guitarist...
Izzy : Bass player, actually
Claire : .... and lead singer...
Izzy : Backup. Backup.
Claire : ... of Spandau Ballet.
Izzy : Between Richard Miller and Martin Kemp.
Phil : Oh, those guys.
Sal : I miss you two guys so much. So, so much. To us!
Mitchell : Yeah, to us!
Sal : To us, the three musketeers! Cabo!
Mitchell : What?
Sal : Seriously, you bastards, we've been talking about it forever. We're doing it! We're going to Cabo! Let's do it! Let's do it!
Cameron : All right, let's go!
Mitchell : Yes. That will be fun.
Sal : "Fun"? Are you joking? Margaritas, you guys, these guys. It's gonna be epic!
Mitchell : We need to find someone for Lily.
Sal : Okay; okay, how much are you gonna pay me to go make out with the waitress?
Mitchell : Wait. Which one? The old one or the young one?
Cameron : $10 for the young one, $20 for the old.
Sal : I am about to make 30 bucks.
Cameron : I'm just gonna go check on Lily.
Sal : Right now?
Cameron : It'll just take a second.
Sal : Well, I'm just... You're gonna miss me sluttin' it up with Driving Miss Daisy.
Cameron : It'll just take a second.
Mitchell : Real fast.
Sal : You should kill that baby.
Mitchell : What?
Sal : You should call the baby. I love you guys so much!
Cameron : Did she just...
Mitchell : I'm scared.
Jay : I got nothing.
Gloria : I think I have a very good pair.
Jay : You sure do.
Alex : And I got squat.
Haley : I don't think I have anything, either.
Jay : Are you kidding me? That's a straight.
Haley : Really?
Jay : She wins.
Alex : You won!
Haley : I win. You know what? I think I deserve a soda.
Manny : Good job, Haley.
Gloria : I don't know how to play.
Jay : Hi, honey.
Haley : Gee, you scared me. How did you...
Jay : Light bulb went out. You don't change right away, you never get around to it. There. Now I can see everything that goes on around here.
Jay : I've had a little practice at this. Haley wasn't throwing anything at me I hadn't seen before from her mother and then some. But nobody gets off the rock.
Izzy : Right, here's a track. Wasn't so popular in America. Got to number six on the Netherlands' charts, though. That whole summer, I couldn't walk to the corner in Amsterdam without mobs of birds coming up and asking me for the double bubble.
Phil : Okay, just play it, I think. Yeah. He's awesome, honey.
Claire : You're welcome.
Izzy : *Tonight. So right. So right. Lover.* Hey, Phil, I think your lover wants a kiss from you.
Phil : Oh, okay...
Izzy : Come on, man. She's not your sister. Give her a proper snog. That's a bad joke. Not funny. My sister lost her feet to complications from diabetes.
Phil : Can I get you some water there, guy, or...
Izzy : You got tea?
Claire : Yes, of course. I'll get that.
Izzy : Yeah, chamomile.
Claire : You don't miss a minute.
Izzy : Oh, God. Why did... Look at what I'm doing. I'm making it all about me. What a downer. It's your evening. Let's make it great. Name your playlist. I'll do it all.
Phil : Just the classics. Let's play the hits.
Izzy : We'll get to the hits, obviously. Go to the back catalog. Favorite B-side.
Phil : That's fun! Yeah, that's fun. Just... I'm so bad with titles.
Izzy : Hum it. Just did that one, didn't I?
Phil : That's right. It's in the noodle. So, I guess...
Izzy : What album is that on?
Phil : Second. I want to say second.
Izzy : What's on the cover?
Phil : There's a warlock, I think. Or a seascape.
Izzy : Oh, "Millennium Sunrise"?
Phil : "Millennium Sunrise."
Izzy : There is no "Millennium Sunrise" record.
Phil : What? What?
Izzy : You're not a fan-dau. You didn't even know who I was at the door. I saw it in your eyes. Am I being Punk'd?
Phil : This means so much to Claire. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Izzy : Her feelings? Well, what about my feelings? This is my career, man. My music was the soundtrack to people's lives. Now I'm nothing. How do you think that feels? This is really humiliating.
Phil : Don't go. Don't go!
Claire : What are you guys doing?
Phil : He let me touch it.
Mitchell : I think she said "kill," Cam. I do.
Cameron : Maybe it was just a joke. She's always had a dark sense of humor.
Mitchell : That's true. Remember her Halloween costume?
Cameron : When she came as Siegfried and part of Roy?
Mitchell : It was too soon.
Cameron : This was just a joke.
Mitchell : Yes! Yes. Oh, here she comes. I'm gonna bring up Lily. We'll see what she says.
Cameron : Show her some pictures.
Sal : Pay up, bitches!
Mitchell : More drinks.
Sal : Free drinks!
Mitchell : Sal, you've got to look at these pictures.
Sal : What are they of?
Mitchell : It's Lily at the zoo.
Sal : Oh, cute.
Mitchell : Look at that one.
Sal : Cute, cutie cute, cute, et cetera. So, you guys are gonna have to bring Lily to Cabo, now that you're the guys that always bring Lily.
Cameron : Well, you know... probably.
Mitchell : Yeah, probably.
Sal : I will throw her in the ocean.
Cameron : What?
Sal : I said I got to go pee.
Cameron : Okay, that wasn't even close.
Mitchell : Nope.
Cameron : I mean, what do we do? Do we say something?
Mitchell : How do we even bring it up? She threatened our child, and that's your concern, a segue?
Cameron : You know what this is?
Mitchell : What?
Cameron : This is first-child syndrome. It's where the first child is happy, and then the second child comes along, and the first child gets jealous of the second child and starts acting out.
Mitchell : Yes, that's brilliant, except Sal's not our child.
Cameron : Well, think about it. We've practically done everything for her. We've held her when she's cried. We've carried her when she couldn't walk. We've done everything but potty-train her.
Sal : Hey, guy! I was thinking... Oh, sorry... that when we go to Cabo, we have find a hotel with a swim-up bar 'cause this going back and forth to the bathroom is a fool's game. Okay, let's get more drinks.
Mitchell : Sal, Sal, we got to talk.
Cameron : It's about Lily.
Sal : Oh, shocker.
Mitchell : Do you think it's at all possible that maybe you're jealous of her?
Sal : What?!
Mitchell : It's just... I don't know.
Sal : What?! Why would you say that?
Cameron : You won't look at any pictures of her, and you talked about killing her and throwing her in the ocean.
Sal : That was a joke. You guys, come on! We're fine. Show me the pictures of Yoko.
Mitchell : See?
Sal : Okay, it's a joke. You guys, come on! Because she's Asian and she broke up our group.
Mitchell : I just... Let's at least acknowledge that things have changed between us.
Cameron : And you know what? Because Lily's here doesn't mean we love you any less.
Mitchell : No, absolutely not.
Sal : We used to be really close, and you used to call me a lot. And now you never call me.
Mitchell : Well, but we...
Sal : And last week, I had a really bad dream, and I was thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna call them," and then I thought, "Oh, no! You can't call them because "you might wake up their baby!"
Mitchell : You can always call. Oh, honey, always call us. I'm sorry we haven't been there. We're here now, okay? Feel better?
Cameron : I think you just put a little spittle.
Mitchell : Did she just fall asleep?
Cameron : I wish Lily would do the same. Give her eight shots of tequila.
Gloria : I don't understand why she's not falling asleep.
Alex : I have a theory.
Jay : I got the movie. Manny, why don't you go fire up some popcorn? You looking for these?
Haley : You took my shoes?
Jay : No, I took your freedom. Sorry, it ain't your night.
Haley : Why are you being like this? I just wanted to go to that party for like two hours. I would have been back by now! Would that have killed you?!
Jay : She's just like her mother.
Gloria : Why are you treating Haley like this?
Jay : Me? She's the one acting like a pill.
Gloria : You're taking this too personally. When I was Haley's age, I loved my grandfather, but I still wanted to go to parties and be with boys.
Jay : I know, I know, so did Claire... and Mitchell. But you know what? You try to put something over on me, you're gonna lose.
Gloria : So what? Now you're gonna make this into a big game?
Jay : I'm trying to keep them around a little bit longer, that's all. Who knows how many nights like this I got left?
Luke : I miss you already!
Jay : What's wrong with this kid tonight? Go in the kitchen and help out the guys, and I'll be right in.
Gloria : It's great that you want to spend time with your granddaughter, but is this really the way?
Jay : Fine.
Gloria : You're a good abuelo. She's upstairs.
Jay : I know. Dylan.
Dylan : Yeah?
Jay : Get up. You're here to take Haley to the party, right?
Dylan : Yeah...
Jay : She's in the house.
Dylan : How did you know I was here?
Jay : This is how I first met Phil.
Haley : Thanks again, Grandpa. We'll be back by 11:00.
Jay : I will track you down.
Haley : I believe that.
Dylan : What's that smell?
Jay : Sloppy Jays. Help yourself. There's plenty left.
Dylan : Sloppy Jays because your name's Jay. Right on.
Manny : I can't believe she's into this guy.
Gloria : If you want, I'll fix you a plate.
Dylan : Yeah, definitely. That'd be great.
Haley : What about the party?
Dylan : We can go in just a minute. Just let... Oh, no way! "The Gunfighter"! I love this movie!
Haley : Dylan, the party.
Dylan : Oh, but... cowboys.
Gloria : Don't fight it, Haley. They never grow up.
Manny : I'm going to the kitchen for an espresso. Anybody need anything?
Haley : No, thanks.
Izzy : Okay, 1, 2, 3, 4.
Claire : "The year was 1991. America was immersed in Desert Storm. Meanwhile, stateside, another storm was brewing... in my heart." This is stupid, isn't it?
Phil : No.
Izzy : Is it stupid, Phil?
Phil : Just keep going, Claire. It's wonderful.
Caire : "After a romantic dinner at Fratelli's, a certain nervous young couple shared their first kiss as the radio played this song."
Izzy : You know what? No, no. Sorry. Sorry. Not gonna do it, no.
Claire : What's wrong? What's going on?
Izzy : Do you know the name of this song? Right. "True."
Phil : "True", of course.
Izzy : This is false. I'm not gonna play "True" for someone who's false. He doesn't even know the band. He's not a fan.
Claire : Of course he does. Because this is our song. You love this song. Tell him this is our song. Tell him, Phil.
Phil : It's not our song, Claire. Our song is "If You Leave" by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
Claire : Are you sure?
Phil : Pretty sure. I sang it at our wedding.
Claire : Oh, I'm an idiot.
Izzy : Well, actually, he's the idiot. He fell in love to a breakup song.
Phil : Ignore him. This is beautiful. I love it.
Claire : I hate this. I hate this.
Claire : You're so sweet and nice and I can't even give you a decent anniversary present. I love you so much, and I feel like you just are never gonna know it.
Phil : I know it.
Claire : You do know it?
Phil : I know it. Yes.
Claire : You do?
Phil : And this is an awesome gift. Do you know why?
Claire : Why?
Phil : You just gave us a new song.
Izzy : Suppose it's all brought you back together, eh?
Phil : Sort of.
Izzy : Rekindled fires of a dying passion?
Phil : Sure.
Izzy : Shot a ray of hope into this gloomy suburban life?
Phil : All right, buddy.
Claire : Maybe you could just play it, Izzy.
Izzzy : For you, Claire.
Sal : She is so sweet.
Cameron : Isn't she?
Sal : Like a little angel. Let me hold her.
Luke : Oh, thank God.
