Haley : It's so unfair. You told me I could go.
Claire : I told you you could go if you got to be on your History exam, which you didn't.
Haley : I have a learning disability. The letters jump around on the page and appear backwards.
Claire : Honey, we had you tested like six times. Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.
Haley : Oh, my God, why can't you ever let me have any fun?! Ew. Ew. Dad, gross. Your hand smells like cheese!
Phil : I didn't want to dirty a knife. Sit. Now, we all know when Nana Dede comes to visit, your mom can get a little...
Haley : Psycho?
Luke : Scary.
Alex : Drunk?
Phil : All true. Therefore, I need you guys to be on your best behavior.
Alex : Don't worry. I'll keep to myself. I have to practice for my cello recital.
Phil : Ohh, fine. You know what? If it keeps you out of your mom's hair, yes, do that. Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need you to lighten the mood by being extra cute.
Luke : No problem. I've got some stuff prepared. "Hey, mom, I'm 'firsty.'" Heh? Adorable, right?
Phil : Yeah, that's... that's good.
Luke : Don't worry. It works better in my jammies.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Mitchell : Cam, Monica can"t come to Lily's birthday party tomorrow, her mom's gonna be in Chicago.
Cameron : Oh, that's fantastic! What part is she playing?
Mitchell : The city of Chicago.
Cameron : Oh. Okay. Gun to your head... Which pair should I wear?
Mitchell : Oh. Gun to my head. I'd say, pull the trigger.
Cameron : What's that supposed to mean?
Mitchell : No Fizbo.
Camerno : Okay, w-why?!
Mitchell : C-Cam, the center of attention at Lily's party should be Lily, not Fizbo the needy clown.
Cameron : I'm sorry. Excuse me. "Needy"?
Mitchell : "Why aren't they laughing, Mitchell? Why aren't they clapping when I'm pulling the handkerchief out of my mouth?"
Cameron : It's 10 feet long with boxer shorts at the end. It works on so many levels.
Mitchell : Yeah. Well, also, it's a princess theme party, so... I guess you just don't respect party themes.
Cameron : You did not just say that.
Mitchell : I'm sorry. That was... That was crossing a line.
Cameron : Yes, it was. So? Can Fizbo come to the party?
Mitchell : No! No! You are Lily's dad. Just be there as her dad.
Cameron : Are you implying I'm not being a good dad now?
Mitchell : Well, if the shoe fits...
Cameron : They don't.They're comically large.
Luke: Hey, mom. Dad and Nana just pulled in.
Claire : Aah! Oh, wow.
Dede : Claire bear!
Claire : Ohh.
Dede : Oh, my sweet girl! Gosh, I forget that you're all grown up.
Claire : Yeah.
Dede : You know, in my mind, you're still 12. Well, look at us... just two old ladies. Ohh.
Gloria : We're home!
Jay : Oh, good.
Gloria : And we bought Lily a beautiful birthday gift.
Manny : Yeah. I was pushing for a cashmere throw.
Gloria : Look, Jay. It's a talking storybook. We record ourselves reading it, and then at night, Lily can hear our voices before she goes to sleep.
Jay : Terrible idea.
Manny : Unlike the timelessness of cashmere.
Gloria : Enough with the cashmere! Why is it a terrible idea?
Jay : Don't you remember the answering-machine message?
Jay : Hi, you've reached Jay...
Gloria : And Gloria. Please leave a message after the...
Jay : You didn't say "beep."
Gloria : If I say "beep," then the people will think it's the beep.
Jay : No, I think they're gonna know to wait for the actual beep.
Gloria : I don't think they'll know.
Jay : Just trust me.
Gloria : Okay, fine.
Jay : Hi, you've reached Jay...
Gloria : And Gloria. Please leave a message after the beeeeeep!
Jay : What was that?
Gloria : You told me to make the beep.
Jay : No, I didn't tell you to make the beep. I told you to say the word "beep."
Gloria : If I say the word, then people think it's the beep.
Jay : It's not the beep!
Gloria : Then why even say it?!
Dede: So, anyways, you'll never guess who I saw at the airport.
Claire : Mm. Who's that?
Dede : Robbie Sullivan.
Claire : Robbie... my Robbie Sullivan from high school? God, I haven't seen him in...years.
Dede : Decades, really. I always liked him. And as I recall, the two of you couldn't keep your hands off each other.
Haley : Oh, really, mom?
Claire : That's...not true.
Dede : It is true. I read it in your diary.
Claire : You read my diary!
Dede : Well...Yeah. I-I read it because I wanted to see if you were on drugs. It's called parenting, Claire.
Claire : Mm-hmm. So, mom...
Phil : Okay, buddy. We're gonna need you on the front lines sooner than expected. Are you ready to be cute?
Luke : Please.
Phil : Go get 'em.
Luke : Hi, mommy. My tummy's growling. Can I have some pas-ghetti?
Claire : Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a shower tonight, your hair smells like cheese. I'll get it.
Luke : Okay, I need a giant lollipop, and I need it now.
Robbie : Oh, there's my girl!
Claire : Oh, my God.
Robbie : Mwah!
Claire : Robbie?!
Robbie : Look at you!
Dede : Surprise! I invited him to dinner!
Claire : What?
Dede : Didn't I tell you she'd be excited?
Claire : Huh? I... Uh-huh. I don't know what to say.
Robbie : Well, maybe a fuzzy navel wine cooler will loosen you up. Sure used to.
Claire : Ohh...
Phil : Hey, honey, who's this?
Claire: This is, um... Robbie... My boyfriend from when I was 17 years old, whom my mom invited to dinner.
Phil : Fasten your seatbelts. Phil Dunphy.
Robbie :Hey, Phil. How do you know Claire?
Phil : I know Claire from being married to Claire.
Robbie : Whoa, whoa, whoa. U-um... Wait a minute. Uh...
Claire : Mom didn't mention that I'm married with three kids?
Robbie : No. All she said was that you were still trying to figure out your life.
Claire : Really?
Robbie: Yeah.
Claire : Okay. Mom?
Robbie : Dede?
Dede : Aren't we all?
Claire : Uh, no. Not really. Why would you not mention that I'm married?
Dede : Oh, God, Claire. Not everything in a conversation is about you.
Claire : Mom...
Dede : Mm-hmm.
Claire : ...I could use some help in the kitchen.
Dede : Your words, not mine.
Luke : Whoa. You came here in a limo?
Robbie : Yep. That's right, little dude.
Luke : Are you rich?
Phil : Luke, that's not polite. Maybe Robbie isn't rich, but he needs a limo because he has a lot of DUIs.
Robbie : Nope. It's nothing like that. The truth is, Luke, I am rich, but not with money. I've got my abs, I've got my hair, and I've got a super-sweet job driving that limo outside.
Luke : Cool.
Robbie : It is cool. Hey, Luke, who's taller? Me or your dad?
Phil : Oh... I don't think we need to... I am just wearing socks, buddy.
Claire : I just don't understand why you invited him to my house.
Dede : Because he's an old friend. What was I gonna do... not invite him?
Claire : Yes. Yes.
Dede : Sweetheart, I don't know about you, but that is not the way I was raised.
Claire : You raised me.
Dede : You're overthinking this.
Claire : Uh-huh.
Dede : I was thinking that it might be a hoot for you to see him again.
Claire : And did you think it might be a hoot to ask me first?
Dede : No. If I'd asked you, you would have said no.
Claire : Of course, mom. Of course I would have said no.
Dede : Oh. And I'm the bad guy. Honestly, Claire, I wish I had a tape recorder.
Gloria : "Once upon a time, there lived a family of bears. There was papa bear"...That's you, Jay.
Jay : Ah. Okay. Let's see.
Gloria : Do you want me to hold it and stand in the driveway?
Jay : "Holy mackerel, this is good salmon." I feel like they missed an oppor...
Gloria : Shh! "I don't want to eat the fish. They are my friends!"
Jay : What kind of voice is that?
Gloria : I am a bear.
Jay : A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.
Gloria : "And then the baby bear said..."
Manny : "Good night, mama. Good night, papa. This has been the best day ever."
Gloria : And after she kissed her parents good night, she drifted off to sleep. The end."
Manny : Whoa, whoa, whoa. She? Baby bear's a girl? We have to do it over. I would have played it totally different.
Jay : I think you nailed it.
Manny : And what's that supposed to mean?
Gloria : Manny, you're fine. But, Jay, I need to tell you something.
Jay : It's a bear, Gloria. I did the best I could.
Gloria : No. I don't want you to get upset about this, but I'm not going to the party.
Jay : What?
Gloria : Yeah, it's because your ex-wife is going to be there, and we're never good together. I'm feeling very nervous. It's better that I stay here.
Jay : Wow. I... I don't know what to say.
Jay : Greatest news ever!
Gloria : So you're okay with this?
Jay : Well, I wouldn't say I'm okay with it, but I get it. I feel like I'm in the same boat with your friend's daughter's first communion coming up. I always felt like the husband never liked me. Maybe you're right. I should probably skip it.
Mitchell : Wait, wait, wait. So Robbie Sullivan's at your house right now.
Claire: Yes, he is having dinner with my family.
Rpbbie : And let me tell you something. this chick was fat.
Claire : Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.
Mitchell: You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing the freaks we used to date.
Cameron : 'Ello, gov'nah!
Mitchell : I gotta jump. All right. Let's hear it.
Cameron : Sir Fizbo-lot, royal court Jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess 'oos in need of a jolly good time!
Mitchell : No!
Cameron : Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme. But "mefinks"... That a court Jester is right as rain!
Mitchell : There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.
Cameron : Oh, come on. It's gonna be a boring party without any entertainment.
Mitchell : I agree, which is why I hired a princess. Cue the gasp.
Cameron : How could you do that? How dare you?! Entertaining and delighting children is who I am.
Mitchell : Just be a parent.
Cameron : But I want to...
Mitchell : Go.
Cameron : I want to...
Mitchell : Now. Stop.
Gloria : I was thinking about what you said, and maybe I should go to the party.
Jay : What'd I say? I didn't say anything.
Gloria : About Maria Victoria's first communion. We cannot let other people make us miss important family events.
Jay : What?
Gloria : I'm gonna miss Alex's graduation, all of Haley's weddings, just because of Dede? I love them. They're my family, too.
Jay : Whoa, whoa. Slow down. You're up to weddings already? H-h-how about this? Try missing tomorrow, and then just see how that feels.
Gloria : Ay, Jay. You're so good to me. That's why I have to go. You're gonna be there for me the same way I'm gonna be there for you at Maria Victoria's first communion.
Jay : Wait a minute. That's back on the table?
Claire : Well, you know, we didn't want to break curfew.
Dede: Curfew?! Oh, right. As if you two ever honored a curfew.
Haley : I love your stories, Nana. Keep on goin'.
Robbie : Your father used to scare the crap out of me.
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Dede : Well, evidently not enough to keep you from sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning. I didn't know whether to punish you or make you pancakes.
Phil : Hey, hey! Ha ha ha ha!
Phil: Halfway through dinner, I told Claire that whenever she had the urge to lash out at her mother, she should just squeeze my hand instead. A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.
Robbie : Claire, you remember that time we cut school and we went out to the pier...
Claire : Mm-hmm.
Robbie : ...And we played that game, and you won the...
Claire : Giant panda bear!
Robbie : The panda bear... Right.
Claire : Yeah. Yes.
Robbie : Yeah. Do you remember what we did after that?
Claire : Yes.
Robbie : Hey, do you still like roller coasters?
Claire : Not this one.
Dede: You know, Robbie was a rogue, but he could charm your socks off. Although I doubt he stopped there.
Alex : Wow, mom.
Claire : Mom?
Dede : We're all adults here, honey, pretty much.
Claire : Okay, I think we're... we're done.
Robbie : Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early-morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in Jeopardy.
Alex : Who is Alex Trebek?
Robbie : Uh, he's a game-show host. Why?
Alex : No reason.
Robbie : Claire.
Claire : Yes?
Robbie : This was incredible. Thanks a lot. S-so great.
Claire : It was so great.
Robbie : So good to see you.
Claire : I know.
Robbie : You look so good. Catching up was so fun.
Claire : Really good.
Phil : Hey, you... you take good care. You take good care, now. Yes. Ohh, let's do it. Let's do that.
Dede : I'll walk you out.
Haley: Bye!
Alex : Really, mom?
Claire : I was young.
Haley : I thought he was sexy.
Claire : Go to your room.
Haley : Okay.
Claire : I did it. She brought all the crazy in her arsenal, and I did not crack.
Phil : I think a bone in my hand did.
Claire : Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Phil : You know what hurt more?
Claire : What?
Phil : I used to think your mother loved me. Apparently, she always wished you'd married Robbie.
Claire : Oh, no, sweetie. This was all about her trying to annoy me.
Phil : Come on. She's practically walking you two down the aisle.
Claire : Ohh. Oh. He left his phone.
Phil : All those mother's day cards I sent her... All those joke e-mails she forwarded to me months after I'd already seen them. Well, no more polite "LOLs" for you, Dede.
Claire : Oh! Oh!
Phil : Holy cow! Wow. Okay, well... You were right. It's not about me.
Claire : Oh, God.
Girl : You are princess...
Mitchell : Stop eyeing the princess. You're gonna freak her out.
Cameron : I don't know. I-I think the whole idea of needing a prince to come along and make you happy, sends the wrong message, Mitchell. I really do.
Mitchell : Really? And a grown man pulling boxer shorts out of his mouth doesn't.
Cameron : I'm...
Claire : Hi, sweetie.
Mitchell : Hey, Phil.
Phil : Hey.
Claire : So...Where is she? Where's mom?
Jay : Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell : Oh, no. I thought she was coming with you.
Claire : Oh, no, no. I haven't seen mom since... let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
Jay : What?
Claire : Yeah.
Mitchell : No, my God!
Claire : Yeah. Yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep, and then this morning left a cute little note that said, "having breakfast with Robbie!"
Jay : What the hell is she doing? He's half her age! Don't say it.
Gloria : I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful. It has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That is the question.
Claire : Dad, what's going on over there?
Jay : She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax, washed it down with a shot of tequila.
Gloria : Ay, look at the princess. It's so beautiful.
Cameron : Really? 'Cause I don't see it.
Cameron : Excuse me.
Princess : There's the birthday girl!
Cameron : Glitter? That'll settle in her lungs. So, I wanted to ask what method of payment you prefer... Cash, credit card, check?
Princess : Why, princesses don't get paid, except maybe in laughter and sparkles.
Cameron : That's nice. But I really need to know.
Princess : All I ask is that a little girl's birthday wishes... "Come true"
Cameron : Miss, seriously, if you want to get paid, I need to...
Princess : Fine. You can make the check out to party stars incorporated.
Cameron : Never break character. Never, ever!
Princess : But...
Cameron : "But" nothing. When I was a clown, my shoe caught on fire, and one of my fellow clowns put me out with a bucket of flammable confetti.
Princess : What's happening?
Cameron : Even as they loaded me into the ambulance, I continued to make balloon animals!
Mitchell : Flammable confetti?
Cameron : There was a seltzer bottle right there!
Mitchell : I cannot believe it. She brought him to the party!
Claire : Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna...
Mitchell : Stop. No, not... not now. The last thing I need is some big scene, Claire.
Claire : You know, she's doing this just to torture me. Mm-hmm.
Mitchell : No, no. She's doing this to get back at me because I didn't let her stay with us.
Jay : You're both wrong. This is about me. I got the young girl. She had to get the young guy.
Phil : Well, she and I are good. We had a long talk last night after you and I "split" that bottle of wine, and you "fell asleep" on the stairs.
Gloria : I don't know why everybody's getting so upset about this. Maybe it's about passion, about what the body wants, what the... what the heart wants for the heart.
Claire : Dad, seriously, can you deal with Cheech and Chong?
Dede : Hi, everyone. Jay, Gloria.
Gloria : Oh, buenos dias, Dede... B-buenos... ...Mi amor bella. ¿Cómo está?
Jay : Uh, yeah. Uh, Gloria... Come on. That's enough.
Mitchell : Hi, mom. Hi.
Dede : Oh, Mitchell. Mwah!
Mitchell : Thank you for coming.
Dede : You remember Robbie.
Mitchell : Yes, I do. Yes. Hi.
Dede : Oh! That's Lily! Oh! I guess you're trying to keep the outfit I sent her clean.
Mitchell: So, Robbie, it looks like the years have been treating you good, huh?
Robbie : Hey, what's up, Red?
Mitchell : Okay. Um...
Robbie : I love this guy. Remember, we used to wrestle around all the time?
Mitchell : Yeah. Please stop. Is my baby watching?
Roobie : Good to see you, man.
Claire : I need to talk to you for a second. Let me just... Whoa, whoa, whoa. ...Ask you a little something. What are you doing with my mother?
Robbie : Hey, I've got a code. What happens in the limo stays in the limo.
Claire : She's my mother!
Robbie : Look, I know this is all a little freaky, but I had a crush on your mother back in high school, and it's always been kind of a fantasy for me.
Claire : Ew! You were dating me and fantasizing about my mother?
Robbie : Ohh, boy.
Claire : What?
robbie : I think we both know what this is really all about.
Claire : Uh, no.
Robbie : You still want me.
Claire : Oh, my God. Are you insane?
Dede : Oh, what's going on here, you two?
Robbie : You are.
Claire : You're insane.
Robbie : Claire still wants me.
Claire : No. Don't.
Dede : Oh...Oh, I should've seen this coming.
Claire : Oh, really.
Dede : One minute she sees I'm happy, and she swoops in!
Claire : Didn't swoop! I didn't swoop. If anybody swooped, it was you! You swooped!
Mitchell : Claire, hush. Not now! Not now! Not now.
Claire : No, stop, please. She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her.
Mitchell : Okay, fine, but make it quick.
Claire : Why does everything have to be so hard with you? Why can't you just be a normal old grandma?! Why do you... You come in here, it's some sort of sick game for you to just push people and push people and push people and see how far you can push them! And so fine... Look at me! You win! You win! I'm screaming at a princess party, mom!
Phil : : Claire. Claire...
Claire : I'm screaming at a princess party!
Phil : Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire. Robbie? I think maybe, you know, you should take off.
Robbie : Yeah, yeah, look, I hear you, Phil. Uh, but between you and me... I'm getting some serious vibes from the princess over here, and I'd kind of like to play that out. Oh.
Jay : Hey. Time to go.
Robbie : Hey, Mr. P. How you been?
Jay : I'm doing good. But I never liked you in the basement with my daughter, and I don't like you here with my ex.
Robbie : You know, your little intimidation game may have worked on me when I was a kid, but I'm a full-grown man now... And I think I should go.
Mitchell : So much for keeping it all about Lily.
Cameron : Well, yeah, and I certainly didn't help by berating that perfectly sweet journeyman princess like I did.
Mitchell : Oh, God, look at this place. Everybody's traumatized. Oh, we need somebody to pump some life back into this party, huh?
Camerno : I got this. I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.
Mitchell : Or...
Cameron : Is that a roundabout way of saying a certain clown can come to the party?
Mitchell : I was wrong. Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
Cameron : Oh! You just made a little girl very happy.
Mitchell : Yes, well, I can see that.
Jay : You okay?
Dede : I'm fine. I will be fine.
Jay : 'Cause you know Claire gets stressed out. That stuff she said out there...
Dede : Was all true.
Jay : Yeah.
Dede : I don't know what I was thinking with him. I feel like such a fool.
Jay : You got flattered by the attention of a younger guy, and you got a little carried away. So what?
Dede : It's not that. It's... I divorced you, because I was looking for something else. I haven't found it. But when I come back here, I feel like I have to prove something. Like people are looking at me, saying, "You broke up the family. What do you have to show for it?"
Jay : You did the right thing. We were stalled. I didn't have the guts to end it.
Dede : That's because you're a decent man. And that doesn't make it any easier. I just don't want to be thought of as "Crazy Nana." That's not really who I am. I think, more than anything else, my real problem... is her!
Gloria : Huh? No, Dede! Ay, ¿qué pasa? Oh. Ha ha.
Claire : So, maybe it isn't about me?
Mitchell : Or me.
Jay : I told you it was about me!
Gloria: No! No!
Phil : I got Gloria! I got Gloria!
Cameron : This is such a precious gift!
Mitchell : I know. I can't believe my dad sat down and did this.
Cameron : Keep going.
Gloria : Jay, pay attention. It's your line!
Jay : I just had a damn line. Manny, freshen this up for me.
Gloria : No, no more drinks until we finish this.
Jay : Who cares? Cam's just gonna return it anyway.
Mitchell : Cue gasp.
